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Orbital

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Posts posted by Orbital

  1. I was in a situation sort of like this years ago. Went to a bar  and my friend pointed out the waitress was into me. He just assumed this by the way she spoke and looked at me. I was right out of a bad breakup, so not really good at playing the game at the time lol. Anyway, went back a second time and saw her. I said something awkward about us hanging out sometime and she then told me she has a boyfriend. Girls like that have tons of opportunities. So, maybe she really had a bf, maybe not. She seemed to be extra flirty with me, but at the end of the day, it may not mean much. I do want to say I felt GOOD about TRYING. You really have nothing to lose. You become pretty indifferent to “rejection” at some point and then you find someone. Cheers. 

    • Like 3
  2. 15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    You know I would advise this later down the road.  I think the best gestures he can make is over and over and over again in their daily routines and interactions.  The date night and "romantic" gestures will seem too over the top and like a ploy to have sexy time.  But showing her that when she does do something around the house -not gushing over it -but genuinely "I notice you took out the garbage -thanks!" Showing restraint when frustrated.  Over time the person sees the other person making the effort to change the daily interactions from stressed and agitated to smooth and peaceful.  

     

    I agree. Though we did have a romantic night tonight and I could tell she was feeling close to me, I really wanted to try having sex with her, but I didn’t bother. Figured it would backfire. I need to just focus on making her feel safe and comfortable daily. 
     

    UPDATE: After I made this post from our basement, she calls me on my cell and tells me she misses me. I said, “Is this a booty call?” She said, no she has to take a shower but isn’t going to tonight because of the storm. She says anyone could call me for a booty call, but not many would say they miss me like she does. I know I sound like a dog now, mentioning sex to her, but I can’t help it. I didn’t get mad or anything by her response, just said I miss her too. So, she can get all lovey dovey with me on the couch, but is not interested in sex ever again I fear. Maybe I’m just moving too fast at this point. I can’t expect much. I know sex is a big deal to women.  Don’t get me wrong, I DO enjoy the closeness with her, and the emotional bonding, but I guess jump to conclusions that we will barely ever have sex again. 

  3. 5 hours ago, electricorchid said:

    Have you ever thought that the porn/masturbation hurt her ego and pride at one point? To be honest with you, I would get turned off or deeply and hurt about that If I were your wife. The problem here is that like "lostandhurt" said above that you're focused on the "what" and not the "WHY" so that you're not having sex but I don't see that you're very concerned as to why you're not which is the biggest and more significant issue at hand. 

    We women are emotional creatures, we need to feel wanted, sexy and seduced by you. When you fix these issues your wife will start being in the mood again. 

    Funny how you men always resort to porn or divorce as a quick and easy solution when you're only digging yourself an even deeper whole. Instead of jacking off to random women who don't even know you or care for you like your wife probably does then, invest time and work into this emotional connection to then fix the physical.  

    To be honest, I never wanted to divorce. I said that in the original post because she mentioned us separating. I told her that sex would be my last priority as I want her to feel better with me and regain trust. I know she feels bad about her saying that now. So far things have been fairly better since the night I made this original post, though we are not having sex and I have not tried to. She was very close to me on the couch tonight and we held each other through a movie. I made us a big dinner, surprised her with her favorite cookies as well. This was not some plot to get laid, though as we were close on the couch the thought ran through my head of how much I would like to have sex, but I’m too afraid to even bring it up. I guess I should just hold off on that for a good amount of time. 

    • Like 2
  4. On 1/1/2023 at 6:52 PM, Batya33 said:

    The problem is not getting frustrated.  The problem is how you choose to react.  I get frustrated.  I'm a mom of a teenager, I get in my "moods" where I'm irritable/hangry/feel like I'm being pulled in different directions for no good reason and as an adult, a married adult I see it as my obligation to manage my reactions to my feelings.  I come up with preventative measures too -I make sure to stay hydrated, exercise daily, notice when I need some space, try to get enough sleep and knowing my "triggers" - and avoiding letting things build up. 

    Sometimes I have to choose keeping my distance - recognizing I'm feeling frustrated so I need space and know if I step aside I'll feel better in __ amount of time.  It does not always work. But the issue isn't "getting frustrated" it's how you react to it and also whether in hindsight you can prevent build up next time.   

    You don't need to be in a good mood.  You need to be able to manage your reactions to your emotions.  No sex doesn't keep you in a bad mood. You keep you in a bad mood.  You can feel deprived of sex and react by taking steps to improve your attitude, your perspective, your relationship.  Or you can do the negativity/pity party thing and take it out on her when she forgets to run the dishwasher again.  Your choice.

    Hi, thank you. I agree with what you said. I know it’s ok to get frustrated. In the moment, I just react too soon and will usually outwardly show I am in a bad mood by cussing loudly. This of course will put her in a bad mood. I need to get better about my reactions, which I have been. 

  5. 2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    I guess I'm an outsider but what specifically have you done about your anger management issues? I mean of course she's concerned -common sense -that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and you haven't explained here what you did to change your behavior - specifics.  Meds? Therapy? Cutting out caffeine? Exercising? Meditation -some combo? She is right not to make herself vulnerable to another outburst by you.  

    And then you are resentful and maybe you like she "admitted" she doesn't help around the house and this triggers you.  She doesn't deserve an outburst but obviously it's frustrating if one person isn't pulling her weight.  So is she going to change? What is she going to do to increase the teamwork part?

    This isn't about sex.  Sex drive and sexual activity decrease seems to me to be perfectly understandable because she doesn't trust or like you much so why would she want to have sex with you? No need to go to daddy issues on this one IMHO.

    I understand her not trusting me. I went to therapy a little bit. I’ve been better with outbursts but I still get frustrated. She’s a very difficult person tbh. If something isn’t done her way, SHE gets mad or defensive. She has a hard time seeing things from someone else’s perspective sometimes, I think.  She rarely compromises when it comes to us doing silly things like what movie we want to watch, etc. I understand that is a superficial thing, but it still frustrates me. We do have some things in common, but I get discouraged with her lack of wanting to try new things and her laziness. At least tonight she did offer to help me clean. I guess maybe she does feel bad about last night. On the daddy issues, she has used that as a reason for her depression, lack of interest in sex, etc. Does it make sense to me? No, because she hasn’t seen that man in over 20 years and whatever past she has didn’t keep us from having a good sex life before. She also told me that she lost interest in sex with her last bf. About 3 years into their 4 year relationship. He was abusive to her too though. She did have some uterine fibroids removed in 2018 and claims to have adhesions now which can sometimes be painful…but she has yet to do anything about that. Wouldn’t a normal young woman with a sex drive want to have this resolved? So, sometimes she is in pain, which I understand. I’m not trying to have sex with her during those times. I guess it’s like a hopeless cycle for me sometimes. I want to be in a good mood around her and not get upset, but no sex keeps me in a bad mood. 

  6. 2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:


     

     

     

     

     

    Wait What?

    You have been together for 8 years married for 1 but have been having intimacy issues for at least 2 years?  Why did you get married?  Did you both think it would make things better?

      How was your sex life at year 4? 5? 6?  Figure out when it changed and then slowly work forward.

    You cannot solve a problem without figuring out what the core issue is.

     For now take all the pressure off both of you by sitting down with her and telling her you really want to work on the relationship and intimacy issues so you will not expect more than a kiss and a hug until she feels the desire to be more intimate with you.  Assure her there will be no porn or masturbation and you are going to look into finding some help with all this. This will be good for her so she isn't on guard worrying that a hug or a kiss will lead to sex and you will not have to worry about being rejected.

     It took time to get here and it will take time and a lot of work to make this better but the good news is there is a lot of room for improvement.

     Are you willing to see a counselor?  Even if she will not go with you?

    Don't give up and lay down, fight for the relationship and happiness.

    Lost

    PS In the meantime you need to look into how to please a woman sexually so when you do get another chance you can rock her world. If you can really pleasure her she is way more likely to want a round two, three, four....   If you think you know what you are doing think again, there is always more to learn and not that crap you see in porn videos!

     

     

    Yes, just kind of slipped into this habit where I masturbated and I assume she did the same. The sex was great when we first met and continued to be that way for years. She told me many times it’s the best she ever had and no guy before could really give her an orgasm like I am able to. But, we’ve had a really rough relationship and I have been emotionally abusive as she has as well. She doesn’t trust me because of my anger issues. She tells me it is hard to have sex with me because if she is vulnerable like that she just fears a week later we will have an argument or I will get upset with her about something like her not helping with dishes, cooking, etc. she actually admitted last night that she does not really help at all. She blames a lot of this on her past now and claims she has been in “flight or fight mode” for the last 15 years or so due to being abused by her step dad and then recently her biological father passed away. We’ve both had kind of a rough last few years with losing people. 
     

    She apologized to me this morning about last night and said she would go to a sex therapist with me. We’ve already gone to a “regular” counselor before. I personally don’t think I ever get much help from counselors but she seems to think they are ok, so will give it a shot. 

     

     

  7. 4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    I think she never regained trust in you or that you cared about her from the time period with porn, etc. Why did you wait 7 years to marry -was it both your choices for good reasons or were you not sure of each other (believe me I didn't get married quickly and we were 42 when we married -got married 3 years and 4 months after we started dating -which was our second time around together in a span of 7 years).  That might inform the issues from way back then.  

    I'm sorry you're struggling.  I think it's uncaring of her to say "I'll just lay there".  There's built up resentment there IMO and she's dealing with it in a passive aggressive way.

    We probably weren’t suited for each other. I mean, we argue over the dumbest things but I always have faith that we can fix it. She doesn’t trust me because of the arguments, basically. She also thinks I’m fickle about a lot of things? Like who I choose to be friends with. For example, I will be friends with someone and then I will express to her that I am frustrated with that person over something they do. Isn’t that just life, though??? She says stuff like this makes it hard for her to trust me. 

  8. Long story short, I’m 39 and my wife is 37. We have been together for 8 years but married a little over a year. We don’t consistently have sex anymore. That has probably been the case for a few years now. A lot of that has to do with petty arguments and me choosing porn/masturbation for some of that time. I know that put a huge dent in things, so I have over the last couple of months expressed that I want to improve our sex life, which we are intimate maybe once or twice a month. I am so frustrated. My wife has recently told me a few times that she just doesn’t really care about sex, but we still go on dates, she will get all dressed up, etc. then we get home like tonight on NYE and she says “well, I guess I can just lay there.” Which honestly doesn’t make me feel good because it’s clear she doesn’t really want to have sex. I told her I’m upset and feel rejected. She’s on the phone with her Mom now talking about how she knew NYE would go south (we have petty arguments frequently and holidays tend to go badly). I guess I’ll just anticipate a divorce at this point. 

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