Cjwestgarth

Lowest point can you message me

Please can you message me ???

QUOTE=lowest point;5481206]I don’t know how I found this place, maybe it just found me? But I have read through every post in this thread and it hits home hard what has happened to me.

Today would have been my mum’s birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago, suddenly my world crumbled and I was scared of losing her but I thought that she would get better, after a month in hospital she was released for enough time to enjoy her last Christmas. In January she was moved to a hospice and lost her battle so suddenly.

My girlfriend stood by me the whole time, she was close to my mum and she helped me through.

The funeral was in February and I felt myself changing and my focus was not on my relationship anymore. In March I took my girlfriend on holiday to try to escape from my feelings and as soon as we arrived back I got ill and developed psoriasis on my body.

I had alot to come to terms with, I felt physically ugly, needy and not worthy of my girlfriend. I lost focus on the relationship and I thought that she would do better without me as I was now a broken man and not the person that she met.

I ended it about a month later and my only thought was “if you love somebody set them free – if they come back then it is yours forever” – I prayed that she would come back.

I bought a house and I moved out of her flat where I was living and I concentrated on myself – It was almost like I was an island and I built a wall around me and pushed everyone away who reminded me of old times, including my dad who I stopped speaking to. I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I concentrated on my work and renovating the house but the entire time in my mind I was renovating the house as a family home for my girlfriend and her daughter and my sons – the children were from previous relationships.

I didn’t hear from her, the months passed and I got better, the psoriasis cleared and I spent time in the gym and slowly started feeling my old self again and I was ready to tell her. Two weeks ago I tried to call – but she had changed her number.

So I sent an email trying to explain - and there was no reply.

I panicked and sent some flowers with a note asking her to call me. She did call in tears saying that her boyfriend had seen the flowers and it had caused rows.

She then sent a text saying that she couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to realise what she meant to me and that she was in a strong relationship now.

I sent another email a few days later to apologise for sending the flowers but my only regret was not sending them sooner I also told her that it hurts that she is not speaking to me after what we went through. But now she won’t reply.

I just want her to know that she is the most important person in the world to me and that I never stopped loving her or thinking of her for one single second. But now she will never know it.

I want her to know that there is a home here for her and her daughter and I want to have a family with her and make the commitment that she wanted me to before – we regularly looked at rings. But now she will never know it.

If I had a time machine I would jump into it right now. I am trying to explain this from the side of someone who ended their relationship after losing a parent, and no other reason, but to be honest I still can’t explain what happened – I now know that I was depressed and I guess it’s an instinct to push people away when you are ill.

I’m not going to defend anyone’s actions, least of all mine,- but it is slightly different when someone ends a healthy relationship to grieve – There was no grass is greener and nobody else involved.

I am writing this so it is here forever, maybe one day she will find this place or maybe it will find her?

I think this is right, sorry don't know how to use the site.

But to the people who went through the grief and pushed your partners away, was there ever a chance of getting back together? Did you want them to forget and move on or did you want them to not give up on you?

My partner has been a really really horrid nasty person. But I love him so much, I can't let go of what he had before his stepdad comitted suicide. Should I give up on him? Or not?

Hi I have no idea how to use this site sorry. But Miri I am going through the exact same thing!! Can we talk?

Sorry for the slow response. When I saw him after six months, I just tried to be friendly and civil but he was really tense and agitated. It was really awful to see him act so oddly toward me, like I was a stranger. His apartment had been my home for the last 8 months. I asked him very gently if there was anything he wanted to say and he kind of said no. But then he just said he was sorry for the way things ended. I asked why he was behaving like this - why we weren't friends or seemingly even on speaking terms - even though there had been nothing wrong between us. He couldn't really explain it except to say that he couldn't deal with any emotional obligations. I think he was pretty unfair about some things he said, even paranoid. Like he claimed he was disturbed because he'd heard a rumor that I was going to move into his neighborhood when I had never planned any such thing. It was very strange. I think he was on meds (he had been before we started dating, as well) so that may have had a factor.

 

That was eight months ago and I still have not really heard from him since. He hasn't ever contacted me or asked how I've been. I still feel like it is really messed up. I can understand putting some things on hold when grieving, but not just completely cutting someone out of your life who was close to you and who clearly cared about you. I see signs of him resuming a normal life, having a good time, seeing his friends, as if everything is totally normal again. But maybe that is just on the surface. I don't know.

 

I still don't feel all right. I don't know if I ever will stop feeling pain over this. I find it hard to accept that someone who supposedly loved me could just so completely cut me out of his life so suddenly and not feel remorse. We were very happy and I know we shared some really great times together. Could those memories just mean nothing to him at all? I feel like he has gotten over, or perhaps blocked out his grief but I'm the one who is still grieving for losing him. And that is incredibly unfair. If he could at least reach out and show some sign that he cared - even if he could only be a distant friend - it would help, but he just acts like I never existed. I deserved better.