Please can you message me ???
QUOTE=lowest point;5481206]I don’t know how I found this place, maybe it just found me? But I have read through every post in this thread and it hits home hard what has happened to me.
Today would have been my mum’s birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago, suddenly my world crumbled and I was scared of losing her but I thought that she would get better, after a month in hospital she was released for enough time to enjoy her last Christmas. In January she was moved to a hospice and lost her battle so suddenly.
My girlfriend stood by me the whole time, she was close to my mum and she helped me through.
The funeral was in February and I felt myself changing and my focus was not on my relationship anymore. In March I took my girlfriend on holiday to try to escape from my feelings and as soon as we arrived back I got ill and developed psoriasis on my body.
I had alot to come to terms with, I felt physically ugly, needy and not worthy of my girlfriend. I lost focus on the relationship and I thought that she would do better without me as I was now a broken man and not the person that she met.
I ended it about a month later and my only thought was “if you love somebody set them free – if they come back then it is yours forever” – I prayed that she would come back.
I bought a house and I moved out of her flat where I was living and I concentrated on myself – It was almost like I was an island and I built a wall around me and pushed everyone away who reminded me of old times, including my dad who I stopped speaking to. I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I concentrated on my work and renovating the house but the entire time in my mind I was renovating the house as a family home for my girlfriend and her daughter and my sons – the children were from previous relationships.
I didn’t hear from her, the months passed and I got better, the psoriasis cleared and I spent time in the gym and slowly started feeling my old self again and I was ready to tell her. Two weeks ago I tried to call – but she had changed her number.
So I sent an email trying to explain - and there was no reply.
I panicked and sent some flowers with a note asking her to call me. She did call in tears saying that her boyfriend had seen the flowers and it had caused rows.
She then sent a text saying that she couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to realise what she meant to me and that she was in a strong relationship now.
I sent another email a few days later to apologise for sending the flowers but my only regret was not sending them sooner I also told her that it hurts that she is not speaking to me after what we went through. But now she won’t reply.
I just want her to know that she is the most important person in the world to me and that I never stopped loving her or thinking of her for one single second. But now she will never know it.
I want her to know that there is a home here for her and her daughter and I want to have a family with her and make the commitment that she wanted me to before – we regularly looked at rings. But now she will never know it.
If I had a time machine I would jump into it right now. I am trying to explain this from the side of someone who ended their relationship after losing a parent, and no other reason, but to be honest I still can’t explain what happened – I now know that I was depressed and I guess it’s an instinct to push people away when you are ill.
I’m not going to defend anyone’s actions, least of all mine,- but it is slightly different when someone ends a healthy relationship to grieve – There was no grass is greener and nobody else involved.
I am writing this so it is here forever, maybe one day she will find this place or maybe it will find her?
