relevart

I posted a year ago this May. In that time, you and I are speaking again finally. Messaging, actually. No phone calls calls and certainly no face to face meetings. You contacted me because you said you knew I was lonely. I waited a week before responding. I actually told myself I would not respond, but I gave in and responded. We both knew I would. I am amazed I We were cordial to one another. Gone was the animosity you showed me the last time we spoke. You may recall that I told you until you could talk to me without yelling or being accusatory, not to call me or come by anymore. Well, you didn't, LOL, for three and a half years.

You have refound your religion and aside from feeling I was lonely, you were worried about my soul. I have always felt that my spirituality was between me and whatever version of God or god or fate I believed in that day. I told you I still pray and that is true. You hinted that prayer made your depression go away and you hoped it could do the same for me. After thirty years of depression, I doubt it, but I left that part unsaid.

You helped me get back in my daughter's life. Our kids love you very much and I have never doubted you as a parent. So your word helped with her and maybe even with our son. I am glad you did that. I love those kids so much, but they are at the age where they get to choose if they see me at all. I was just a little older than they are now when you and I met and you remember how awfully my dad nd I got along. Your words with them carried some weight and I appreciate that. 

You have probably noticed what I do. Every week or two, I find some reason to message you again. You told me I could do that if it was about the kids or if I wanted some advice. I seem to keep stretching the limit a little at a time. It makes me feel good to be on good terms with you. Don't tell anyone, but I still have strong feelings for you. I wish I could tell you this. You were my best friend for so many years and who do we tell our problems and secrets to if not our bet friends. It would feel so natural, but alas I can't. Like I mentioned in my last post a year ago, you are someone else's wife now. 

I know we are not getting back together. Seeing those words on the screen seems weird because we have broken up and got back together so many times, it just seems natural. But I knew when you left last time, there was no getting back together this time. Too much had happened. Too many words we could not take back. It still has n

I posted a year ago this May. In that time, you and I are speaking again. Messaging, actually. No phone calls calls and certainly no face to face meetings. You contacted me because you said you knew I was lonely. I waited a week before responding. I actually told myself I would not respond, but I gave in and responded. We both knew I would. I am amazed I We were cordial to one another. Gone was the animosity you showed me the last time we spoke. You may recall that I told you until you could talk to me without yelling or being accusatory, not to call me or come by anymore. Well, you didn't, LOL, for three and a half years.

You have refound your religion and aside from feeling I was lonely, you were worried about my soul. I have always felt that my spirituality was between me and whatever version of God or god or fate I believed in that day. I told you I still pray and that is true. You hinted that prayer made your depression go away and you hoped it could do the same for me. After thirty years of depression, I doubt it, but I left that part unsaid.

You helped me get back in my daughter's life. Our kids love you very much and I have never doubted you as a parent. So your word helped with her and maybe even with our son. I am glad you did that. I love those kids so much, but they are at the age where they get to choose if they see me at all. I was just a little older than they are now when you and I met and you remember how awfully my dad nd I got along. Your words with them carried some weight and I appreciate that. 

You have probably noticed what I do. Every week or two, I find some reason to message you again. You told me I could do that if it was about the kids or if I wanted some advice. I seem to keep stretching the limit a little at a time. It makes me feel good to be on good terms with you. Don't tell anyone, but I still have strong feelings for you. I wish I could tell you this. You were my best friend for so many years and who do we tell our problems and secrets to if not our bet friends. It would feel so natural, but alas I can't. Like I mentioned in my last post a year ago, you are someone else's wife now. 

I know we are not getting back together. Seeing those words on the screen seems weird because we have broken up and got back together so many times, it just seems natural. But I knew when you left last time, there was no getting back together this time. Too much had happened. Too many words we could not take back. It still has not been easy. Even after eight years, I still think about you and miss us. For a while, the memories hurt. Good memories, bad memories, it didn't matter. They all hurt. Lately the good memories don't hurt as much and every once in a while, I can smile thinking about the good times. But I still cannot move on. I have realized I will not date again. Relationships hurt. All relationships do, eventually. And what do I have to offer a lady with my mental and physical situations? But that is neither here nor there.

I did a lot of thigs wrong. It took me a while to realize that. Once the realization hit, I knew it was too late. But I still told you I took my fair share of the blame in the marriage ending. I wish you could do the same. I would love to hear from you that you regret we did not make it this time. I need to hear you say it was not all of my fault, that I am not the bad guy. I would love if yu could tell me our love was real. I need these things and I think that is why I keep messaging you. I want to keep that door cracked even just a little bit. But I don’t think I will ever hear those things. And until I do, I will not be able to move on

ot been easy. Even after eight years, I still think about you and miss us. For a while, the memories hurt. Good memories, bad memories, it didn't matter. They all hurt. Lately the good memories don't hurt as much and every once in a while, I can smile thinking about the good times. 

I did a lot of thigs wrong. It took me a while to realize that. Once the realization hit, I knew it was too late. But I still told you I took my fair share of the blame in the marriage ebding. 

It's been more than seven years since you left. You're somebody else's wife now. But still I miss you and think of you. I don't know why. We have not talked in three years and have not seen each other longer than that. I cannot believe you are out of my life. I still keep the memories. This is not about you. I need to move on.

Thank you! I just found some old poems I wrote that I thought were lost forever. I think this was the most recent one, written back in 2001!

I used to be something of a (so called) poet back in the day. I guess.

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cranberry sauce (10/2001)

regret for lazy daze

& wasted nights

i blew my mind out

on relativity

the sun still rises in the morning

& sets over lost angels

but i’m a young old man now

sometimes i hear them mumbling

they’ll come back soon

just like they always do

to let me know how i'm doing

How are you doing?

hazy days and lazy nights

love for sale but not for keeps

everyone looks thinner

everyone looks better

through sex-soaked strobe lights

the movement

broken in time

unconnected

video images from an alternate universe

& i’m staring at the moon

through red sunglasses

invisible to all

invincible to no one

they’ll be coming for me soon

just like they always do

blues for sister someone

wearing a light sundress and white hat

i think i know you

i think of you

when i’m drinking

trying to forget

i think i’m sinking

calling out to no one

waiting to wake up

from another man’s reality

touch me

i’m moving on the outside

touch me

i’m reaching from the inside

they’re almost here

I thought about you today. Not about you leaving and the immense pain I feel. Not about the odd and hurtful choices you are making that directly involve our kids. But I found something funny in the course of a routine day and on reflex went to my phone to call you. No, I didn't actually call you. I didn't even bring the phone out of my pocket. But in that one second between the thought to call you and the realization of what is going on, I was happier than I've been in months.

I could be there in 90 minutes if you said the word.

The problem is that I have become so disillusioned with the world (I'm female in my early 40s) that I feel like nothing I write will ever make a difference and change things for the better. So right now while I have tons of time to write, I just find it impossible. It's making me feel very, very depressed.

What exactly do you want to change and how do you think writing a play (or a book, a movie or a song) ill do that?

The reason I write is to reach people, but if what I have to say is not something people care about then why bother?

Write for yourself. Have fun with it. If it's real, it will reach people. If it's forced, no one will care about it.

It's my calling...I have to keep writing, but right now I'm very blocked.

You're setting yourself up to fail with all this pressure on yourself. It's your "calling." You need to "reach people." You want to "change things for the better." If I put that kind of pressure on myself, I'd probably start drinking. Or take a hammer to my computer. Relax a little. Just write for fun.