Jump to content

DancingFool

Platinum Member
  • Posts

    12,111
  • Joined

  • Days Won

    118

Community Answers

  1. DancingFool's post in Sex in a long term relationship was marked as the answer   
    If that's the case, then the more you pressure him about sex, the more he'll shut down and become even more insecure. By pressure, I don't mean literally pressure, but rather the more you talk and ask to try different things the worse he feels about himself. He doesn't hear "let's explore and have fun", what he is hearing is "you are letting me down you fat loser." I know it's not what you intend, but it's important that you understand what's going on in his head.
    It sounds like his depression/self esteem issues are situational. So rather than talking and asking for, come up with fun ideas for better cooking and eating habits. Also, do pick up some new physical type hobbies - tennis, golf, hiking, whatever. Go do some roads trips on weekends and just change your scenery. You might need to take charge a bit and be the initiator of all that. More of a here is what we are going to do and be very positive when he participates and steps up.
    Once you are both more fit, you might find that the libido and fun in the bedroom returns more naturally. Less talk more action kind of a way.
  2. DancingFool's post in Moving into boyfriends home was marked as the answer   
    100% ^ this.
    Do not move in with someone you haven't known for at least the full 4 seasons so to speak. Holidays, family, traveling, etc, etc, etc. See how they handle stress and so on. Get to know someone for at least a year or more before you even consider living together.
    You are already encountering some pretty big differences in how open you both are to people in the home, privacy, etc. Consider that is just tip of the iceberg.
    As for your specific question about whether compensating him is reasonable....yes and no. Yes in that it's reasonable to pay him to make up for the lost income. Reasonable, but not advisable. No, in that this is a long standing mutual relationship that you would be breaking up, so it's not just about the money today. If your relationship falls apart, he'll lose the income and both of the relationships, yours and theirs and that's not reasonable at all.
    Your money would be much better spent downsizing into your own place and continuing to see him and see how it all goes with time and really take that time to get to know each other properly. Perhaps at some point it will make more sense for him to rent out his house completely and move in with you instead. Assuming things are going well and it all works for the both of you. Can also be that you'll be glad you have your place as you part ways. 
    At this point it's better that you keep your own space and invest in that.
  3. DancingFool's post in She's on a dating app to ONLY see if was there? was marked as the answer   
    No she can't tell the truth. Yes she is totally toxic and psycho. Yes she is treating you like a complete idiot by telling you the bs that she did about her dating account. No, she doesn't respect you at all. 
    The real question - what more do you need in order to understand the above and move on from this basket case? I mean aren't you even a little bit disgusted with her that she thinks you are such a fool that she can lie to you like that? Stop expecting manipulative liars to be honest and start believing people when they show you who they really are. Trash isn't gold, OP.
    As for the e-mails, it's already going into the trash folder. You do have to learn some common sense willpower - you see an e-mail from her, hit that empty trash button and move on. It might actually feel good to exert some control over this and regain your personal power instead of opening it, reading it, and asking how high you should jump for her.
  4. DancingFool's post in My GF goes to extreme measures to hide me from her friends and family was marked as the answer   
    You don't confront her. I mean you've already tried and all she does is brush you off and dismiss you. That alone is grounds for ending the relationship.
    Being someone's dirty secret is not a small matter. Even giving her a huge benefit of the doubt that she isn't cheating at this moment, she is still completely disrespectful toward you and your relationship. She is literally treating you like a second class citizen and that's never something you should tolerate. 
    Unfortunately, you can't confront someone into wanting to respect you and act like a normal person. All you can do is respect yourself enough that you walk away from toxic people and never look back. 
  5. DancingFool's post in Should I be upset? was marked as the answer   
    Blame shifting and gaslighting are standard fare for these types of people, as is presenting themselves as the victim. That's what makes their behavior so confusing and difficult to see through, especially so when you are an empathetic person. They are also very good at engaging and manipulating others around them to support their toxic behavior. This is why it's not recommended to go to any type of couples counseling with these types. They can fool therapists and manipulate them as a weapon against you.
    Rather than focusing on him, realize that one of the biggest tell tale signs that you are in a toxic relationship is when you are feeling crazy and acting out of character for yourself. When you feel confused about what is right and what is wrong even though normally you'd know. It's like brain fog sneaking in. Also, when you do get into a fight, you walk away thinking, "maybe I was at fault and I could have done better, I can control and fix this." This idea that you can fix it is what keeps you stuck. In fact being headstrong in this situation makes walking away even harder for you because you are more stubborn in your belief that you can make it work than an average person.
    The latter above, the "I can fix it", is the addiction part. When the relationship is good, you are feeling amazing and you desperately want that feeling back. When he picks a fight, you think that maybe he is right, you should have done this or not done that, so surely you are in control, you can make things great again. What you are not grasping is that you can NEVER make or keep things good. He will always move the goal posts and will always find ways to drive you crazy and then point a finger and say "you know, if you just tried better or paid more attention to me when I asked...." He is 100% in control of the dynamics of your relationship and is playing your empathy and your headstrong personality like a violin and using it against you. He will do it as long as you continue to stubbornly stick to the "I can fix this" mantra or until he finds a new bed that he sees as an upgrade. Remember that narcs are really bad at being kicked out of your life, but really really good at discarding you when they no longer see you as useful to them. Stop the madness and step away from this.
    Your biggest battle is really against yourself and your desire to fix what cannot be fixed. In reality, peace and not having to worry about this guy or suffer all the fights and abuse is a million times better for you and your children. Use that headstrong energy to better your own life instead of pouring it into an empty void that is your relationship with yet another narc.
×
×
  • Create New...