Neil123

I just found out my ex just landed a presenting job for the biggest music broadcasting company. She's moved onto great things like I knew she would. Very bittersweet right now. Genuinely happy for her, but my healing is about to get a lot harder.

I think I need to leave this forum for now. I just need to go this alone now I think. Best of luck to all of you in your battles. I'll be back in some time to check on all your progress. Good luck!

Thanks!

Hmmm I'm so unsure. I think I could handle it, but only because she probably wouldn't contact me very often (every few weeks) so I'd get a lot of moving on time in between.

Maybe it's better to pretend you're on LC and actually be on NC. NEVER contact them, and sometimes contact them back if necessary. I feel the biggest issue with moving on is your injured ego. Will give me an ego boost and put the ball in my court when she does. Also get's rid of the uncertaintly of 'is she not contacting me because I said not to'?

I think you can act unavailable, maybe even more unavailable, when on LC, as long as you stay in control?

Though China, our situations are completely different. Like I said, she would contact me very rarely, which I might be able to handle. Your ex does it every day. I certainly couldn't handle that! You know if I was in your shoes, I'd be totally NC, right?

She sent me a long email last night with a heartfelt apology for the Bestival situation after she spoke to my brother. She feels guilty, cried, hopes I don't think she's a ***** bla bla bla....

I sort of mainly want to get the upper hand to move on AND if poss make her realise she made a mistake.

Not sure whether to a) ignore it

b) respond saying thank you nonchalantly

c)respond saying thank you nonchalantly and reiterating my need for NC after i stupidly said she could contact me the other day

d) use as an opportunity to bring up other stuff

My bro said she's a bit down. She's drifted from ALL her best friends and has a load of new ones. I suppose they're fun and exciting but it must be a lonely feeling so feeling very bittersweet for her right now.

I'm sure he will hurt. Supposedly guys typically bottle it up and then it hits them later. I couldn't tell you as my emotions are strangely very feminine.

It's also ok to want him to miss you. We all do. That's just your shattered ego talking. Every human longs to feel important and knowing they miss you gives you your fix. But just don't obsess over it. It's YOU time now, so do other things that make you feel better and more 'important'. Work out, get a hobby etc. I see my break up as at the very least a HUGE learning experience and a hump on the road to emotional maturity, so I quite enjoy scouring the forums to read other people's experience and solutions.

Day 4

Went to a day festival yesterday and then had an afterparty around mine until about 7am with about 30 people so I had a great day and night. A hot girl that I used to fancy, who's now single slept in my bed. I initiated her sleeping in my bed, but it didn't feel right so I didn't make a move. Some people say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone...hmm I'm not sure if that's right for me.

I really regret calling her the other day for the first time in 4 weeks. She sounded genuinely happy without me and i don't think it was a front. Though i'm not surprised, she's beautiful and cool and I think she's enjoying the excitement and freedom to date exciting guys and party all she wants to. She also dismissed reconciling quickly and sharply when I mentioned it.

Though she did say she still loves me and misses me, that "it just wasn't our time", that "we shouldn't get back together soon" which was quickly corrected to "she's not thinking about ever getting back together currently" and finally that she's overruling her heart with her head (she has a very stubborn head!!).

She tried to over rule her heart with her head before we got together but eventually she caved after a whole year of mutual heartbreak, said that the guys she was dating ''just weren't me'' and fell in love with me. I'm thinking once again, it's down to the luck of if she meets the dream guy that both her heart and head accept so she can move on.

She was nowhere near a perfect g/f, but part of me wants her back one day. My heart saw our break up as a wake up call to try harder and communicate more, her head says it has to be final. It doesn't help that her best friend was in a toxic relationship with her first love and they reconciled several times to amount to nothing either, which was referenced a lot when we broke up.

Not really sure how to approach it...I just need to let her spread her wings and hope her heart brings her back right? Hopefully her heart will come into play more when the summer excitement fades and those dark winter nights return...and in the mean time just keep focusing on myself?

I'd LOVE some opinions, haven't had any in ages. I feel neglected What's your experiences of heart vs head?

I havent posted in a while, but currently going on 3rd attempt day 16.

And its pretty good, i have to admit. I do have a question i need some advice on.

I was asked to return to my previous job position, where me and my ex worked in the same building, but at different companies. we do have some contact now, but its not initiated by me and we haven't met at work yet, since I took the position today and she didnt work today, as i know.

 

so my question would be should i tell her that i am back there working or not, since we do have some contact after the BU.

Hmm what do you think? I think in this situation, it'd be common courtesy to let her know. Just make sure that it doesn't look like you've done it to be closer to her, especially if she's hoping to reconcile?

Maybe just a 'hey, just texting to let you know I was offered my previous position again and I decided to take it as I preferred that role. Hope you're well'

Maybe wait for other opinions as well, but that's what I'd do.

Day 3

When I broke up with her, I opened up about my slight self esteem issues (maybe caused by temp unemployment - waiting to start job) and asked for another chance, but she refused. Was probably the worst thing she could have done to me at that stage for my fragile SE and I think that's why I've felt so low.

I never treated her badly because of it, we just fought a lot and I was going to try to beat it head on. Not quite sure if that was selfish of her or she did the right thing? Surely somebody in love would have given another chance?

Anyways, just had to get that down. I'm off to SW4 today with about 20 friends, CANNOT WAIT. Have a great day soldiers!

Day 8. Ouch ouch ouch. Feel as if I've slid back 10 weeks in the last few hours. How bizarre. I could almost cry I long for him so much. Is this what I'm to expect from NC? I feel WORSE today.

 

Never not spoken for 8days since the night we met. Feels horrible.

 

Wonder if he misses our daily banter? Wonder if he's fed up with Miss FAR? Wonder if he wishes I were on a beach with him?

 

Somebody slap me 😭

Here's a *SLAP* as well.

Though i'm proud of you! That's a looong time. Next time you get an urge to contact him or reply just remember you'll be back at day 1 and remember how sh*tty i felt after my lapse.

NC will feel worse before it get's better. You get comfort and hope from talking to them and when you don't, you get scared that it's over. But you need to get over that hump to move on. It WILL happen for you, just like it will for all of us. Just give it time - as it moves on, you'll think less and less and wonder less about him. Just soldier through with me!

Hope everyone's ok today!

Seriously don't know what my issue is. I genuinely don't even think I love her as a person. What's there to love? I miss our kisses, our hugs, the sex. But ANY girl would give me those. She gave me nothing that another girl wouldn't.

So why am i struggling to let it go? I think I know. She's a gorgeous model. Seriously the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen. Tall, slim and blonde with a beautiful face and big blue eyes. She was my trophy girlfriend. The fact that I obviously saw her as integral to how others viewed me speaks volumes about my mentality. My ego just feels broken without her - she defined me in an unhealthy sort of way.

I read this on another thread which really is true for my situation:

I have moments of happiness, it's not constant, and there are sad moments now and then too. But the happy moments are valuable reminders that the real happiness comes from within me, not from another person. When one of the happy moments does happen, I try to remind myself, "wow, you can be happy without him."

At some point in the past, probably soon after you first met the guy, you made the decision that you needed him to feel happy. You may not have been aware you were making that decision, it may have been unconscious. But you did decide that. And then it became part of your belief system, the belief that you did need him to feel happy. And now that seems like a given: that you must have him in your life to feel happy.

So, your task is to make a new decision: that you don't need him in your life to feel happy. You may not believe that at first, because it contradicts the belief you still hold that you do need him to feel happy. So it may not seem real at first, it may seem like you're forcing yourself to think something you don't really believe. You may not believe it at first. Just keep making the decision as many times as you need: that you can feel happy without him. And that you will feel happy without him.

At some point within the last 2 years, I subconscious elevated her from just a person to something that makes me feel good about myself and how others view me. Now it's gone, I don't feel good. I need to start making me feel better for being me. I did say all this 3 weeks ago but I am moving on, even if it's slowly. I do feel more accepting than back then so that's a positive.

I went out with her - it was like our dates - and at the end she puts it that she's not coming back. So for me it was worse in a way, in person not on the phone.

I should move on thus and find someone more willing to invest in me than she was.

She'll regret her decision one day, I'm sure, but it will be too late.

Hear, hear. I keep telling myself a line from a 'How I Met your Mother' episode I watched recently where Ted has to get over a girl who left him for another man. He says 'the love of my life is yet to come'. It helps. Don't put a name on it or envision her, but just think that THE love of your life is yet to come. Now hurry up and get over the pretender!!!

Day 13 of NC, latest attempt. Today I feel better. better than yesterday. Still I tend to hope though like Neil's ex, she told me she doesn't want to try again. She just gave up on us without trying really. She always used to want to have her space and with nc I feel I'm giving it to her again.

Only she can change her mind and I don't really think she wants to. God knows why. Went to gym and stopped thinking for some time. Met some people there too including a woman. Can't believe it's almost 2 weeks since we last were in touch. I want to hear from her. Yesterday I wrote an email to her - almost sent it, but I didn't. It would have made me weak.

Please don't send her anything. I'm a firm believer that if they want you, they will contact you. But I threw all that away yesterday when I felt weak and called her and now i feel pathetic and embarrassed. It's been said a million times, but let her go. If she comes back, it'll be because she wants to.

I broke a 29 day NC for the first time. To all those that are considering it - JUST PLEASE DON'T.

I feel awful, sad, embarassed, weak and pathetic. Somebody posted a pic of her on fb and she looked gorgeous so I freaked and after a long search of my emails managed to find her number. Called her and she was so nice. We both said we're doing well and talked about our social calendars (hers is insanely busy I even brought up the BU and I said we could give it another go, but she said she loves me but she's happy.

Ahhhhhhh it hurts. I shouldn't have broken it. I've definitely put myself back in my recovery. Although on the other hand, now I know she's happy and I've heard it straight from the horses mouth that she's not coming back then hopefully I can move on with no hope. Today's a bad day.

Haha, yes, welcome to the back burner there's loads of us here. You..... After all you've said to me and you go and ring her SLAPPED WRIST FOR YOU!

 

Start again, start with a clear deadline in mind. You asked me to do 2 weeks, now I want you to pledge the same.

 

Sorry you're feeling **** again, it's like having a pair of tight new shoes. Every time you put them on its really painful, but each time they get a little less painful until, after time, you can slip them on with no pain whatsoever.

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

Chinafish - contributing crap annalogies since 2012.

Hehe thanks. Not feeling too good today but will things will get better soon.

Did I just give her permission to put me on the back burner? B*llucks!

Ahhh I just called her. What was i thinking?

We spoke for half an hour and had a very mature catch up and even joked around a bit. I sounded happy and confident and made her understand that I was calling with a calm rational head. I said I was doing well and she said she's doing very well too with about 5 parties this week! I put accross that i'd had time to think and thought we could work if she wanted to give things another go. She said she loves me and misses me but doesn't want to. I'm hoping her talking to me and hearing my voice might give her some food for thought...but hope aside, it will probably validate her and help her move on. Damn.

It sort of sucks. She's such a gorgeous 'it' girl that keeping busy is easy for her. She has invites to all the parties, gets free tickets to events and probably gets asked out by loads of great looking guys. It really does make things so easy for her. Suppose if she does come back one day it will be because she really really wants to but considering the above, that's a doubt.

Back to day 1. Sigh.

Like CF said, this is the crux of the situation. For me, I'm starting to realize that the only hope I have is if I do move on. I need to move in order to have hope. I need to grow from our past relationship, but we both need to forget what happened for us to have another chance. The thing is, as you move on, that hope will fade. Eventually, you may move on to the point where you meet someone who obliterates that hope you had for the ex.

 

So, that's what I tell myself. I need to move on before I can have hope. If I don't move on, hope is just holding me back.

Nail on head in my opinion. Obviously i'd like to her come back (actually not so sure) but i'm also aware that I wouldn't have grown and it'd be cowardly to just accept her back. Hence I know I need to move on first if we're ever gonna work and if the opportunity does ever arise, I may not even be interested anymore.

Neil has either been kidnapped or has no need for us today. Hope it's the latter!!!

ha that made me laugh.

I've actually been doing really well recently. Though today's been HARD. I was on the train earlier and as you do, I was looking out for a glimpse of her in the trains going in the opposite direction. Well guess what...I actually saw her! Seriously what are the chances! I recognised the back of her head and then saw her chatting to a boy I know opposite so that confirmed it was her! It put me into panic mode again but I need to get back to recovery. Unfortunately she didn't see me though so it's only me that has to freak out

I know. Sorry if I came accross too good for it, suppose i'd just prefer to go the traditional route beforehand...but it does look great!

Also, another bit of advice for some people. Currently reading 'How to win friends and Influence people'. I decided to because I start work in 3 weeks but i've realised it'd be great for anybody! I'm generally very good with people but it's a great read and a very good way to focus on yourself and your mindset rather than just your body with for example the gym.

As I read it, I also realise things that I may have done wrong with my relationship and alot of things that she did wrong as well.

Seriously, i'd encourage you to read it or another book like this. I enjoy that this one isn't just mainly about relationships though as it allows me to focus on the other relationships in my life! Go get it, it's really helping me.

Day 3

I seriously feel good. Haven't even felt the need to come on here since her birthday which is a good sign. I've realised she's massively selfish and I don't need that in my life.

Also started to realise that there are so many great girls out there. I was bored last night so signed up to a few dating sites (didn't subscribe) just to have a look at how bad my last resort would be...and it isn't actually so bad on there; there really are some great and hot girls on there. I'm still a couple of years away from online dating but it's good to know that it's a possibility if all else fails.

Anyways for some reason I do get a very weak urge to contact her for clear the air talks and to hopefully save some dignity after I lost it all when we broke up and i grovelled. I took the blame for everything and even made out I had some self esteem issues that I don't think I even had. But I'll wait until at least day 30 of NC, i'll be in a better position to know if it's a good idea then.

So yeah, i'm doing pretty well. Let's hope it's not just another false dawn!

Day 5 not so good today, don't know why. Spose it's the longest we've gone without contact. Makes me mad that he can just swan off on holiday and I don't cross his mind. Guess the only reason he contacts me at all is when he's bored at work.

 

I thought I'd feel more in control with NC, but to be honest, I just feel unwanted and forgotten.

Everybody feels that way when they go NC so you're not alone there. Even though it was best for me, I was almost angry that my ex hadn't contacted me ONCE since the breakup. Now I don't care so much.

He probably does think of you. In my opinion of course (although I can't be sure), if he's still in contact with you then that says something. When they move on and don't contact you, then that means they probably don't care. But don't get your hopes up, he's probably only in contact because of insecurities with himself and doesn't want you to move on rather than get back together.

Anyways, please promise me you won't break NC when he's back! Just give it 2 weeks and see what happens. My bet is he'll continuously try and contact you and being ignored will hit him hard. Whether that makes him come back one day I don't know, but either it will give him the kick up the arse, or you'll get some space to see he's a d*ck. Just believe in the NC. It does work as you can see from the success stories!

Whatever you think! Obviously you're welcome to make your own choices, but it's just my own opinion. My own ex's birthday was less than a week ago, and I was less than a month into NC and just wanted to concentrate on healing so I kept going. I had wished him a preemptive happy birthday before we went into NC, though, so I'm hoping he knows it wasn't to be petty or make a "point" but just to keep on concentrating on myself.

Good on ya! I suppose a preemptive HB was a pretty damn good idea. Anyways, my healing's been pretty terrible in the last week and I already felt back at square one...i think this will give me a great foundation to just move on now and start healing now.

Yeah I'm going with option 1. I feel good that she responded asking me a question and I feel even better that I get to ignore it.

@Brickheart...Do you think so?

Every situation is different. If it wasn't a friendly break up or she wasn't in my friendship group or it had been longer than the 4 weeks it's been since the BU, i'd have ignored it.

I think I'd have looked very bitter, or looked to have been proving a petty point (and would never have heard the end of it), in these circumstances to ignore it. Ignoring only works if they think "hold on, has he forgotten about it? has he moved on? does he not care?". She knows that's not true. I haven't broken NC for 3 weeks (1st attempt), so to be able to give her my best wishes and move straight back to NC makes me look strong.

Ahhh I text her saying "In spite of the past few days, I do hope you have a very happy birthday". She just responded saying "thanks! What do you mean by in spite of the past few days?".

She knows EXACTLY what i mean. Not sure what to do now, really don't want this to escalate.

My options are:

1) Ignore

2) Respond explaining why I feel she's in the wrong - but that will just end up in an argument

3) Respond saying I don't want to talk about it and tell her to enjoy her day

4) Anything else?

CHINAFISH (and others) HELP

Maybe. I can't gauge the level of fuss. I think it looks weak to ignore an ex's birthday. You CAN turn this around

 

"inspite of the problems of the last few days, I do hope you have a very happy birthday today"

 

I think that shows great maturity, status and fortitude. Of course I don't know either of you, and only youll know what's appropriate

That's great! Thanks China!

Gonna send that tomorrow in the afternoon and then back to NC for the foreseeable future. Easy.

I think yes, wish her a happy birthday. Don't expect a reply. Do it early so your not contemplating it all day, then get your arse back to NC x easy

 

Won't I look like a right idiot? After all this fuss two days before and then I'm wishing her a happy bday, it just seems so....weak? no?