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So we spoke last night. I tried to frame it in a way that wasn't too formal or serious but then I didn't wanna just brush it off after saying something bugged me prior to last night. She basically didn't add much, said that she knows how to fake but hasn't with me, since there isn't any need to because she never hasn't enjoyed it and that if she didn't enjoy it or didn't want to engage, she would just say.

Its hard to buy this given she just seems like she'd keep shtum and keep any peace rather than risk causing conflict, hurting feelings etc.

*It* wasn't awkward after that conversation and maybe, aside from all of this I just need to be more patient and take my time more in the bedroom department. I'd like to hope we aren't just incompatible and that communication can rectify some things, but I just think she's the kinda girl who goes with the flow, isnt one for deep and serious conversations or any kind of conflict, says yes (even though she wants to say no), puts the pleasure of others infront of her own etc

23 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Did you ask her face to face?

Please don't say this topic was broached via texts.

No face to face

Just now, boltnrun said:

Why don't you buy it? Have there been other instances where you caught her lying to you?

I don't "have one" every time but I absolutely love sex. And I'm not lying.

I dont know maybe like others have stated its born out of some kind of insecurity but also I just go off my intuition and maybe that'd wrong. 

I've just asked her and she says there isn't ever a time she doesn't enjoy it and she would say if she didn't, so I just gotta take that, even though i don't fully buy it

9 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Coming with a straight forward opinion here but don't take it personally, after all the only information I have is via a few posts.

а) Please, don't do it over text and don't start with an accusation. "Why are you faking it?" is absolutely an accusatory question. You seem more offended than actually curious and caring about her, her pleasure and changing things for the better.

Your feeling of frustration is valid but I disagree with your train of thought and your approach. Part of being mature is to work towards 1) minimizing (negative) reactivity and 2) preventing resentment from piling up. Those are actually a great basis for good communication, too.
In this situation you've somewhat breached both by:
1) The text "we need to talk" without the possibility to talk face to face sooner - it's a very very important conversation to have but it's not urgent. What gives you a sense of urgency is your anxiety/anger around it. You just want to relieve those much more than you're motivated to put a foundation of blossoming communication. In my opinion it will be beneficial if you find ways to calm down and think about how and why you feel the way you feel.

When you meet next time, ask honest questions, listen carefully what she's saying and say how you feel instead of giving evaluation of her actions (this is rude, that is disrespectful, etc.).

2) You've noticed it some time ago and didn't address it right away. Yes, it's good to take a breather to gain perspective but if something frustrates you a couple of times, certainly don't sweep it under the carpet for too long.

b) and c) Perhaps that's who she is at this point of her life. A people pleaser, avoiding conflicts and maybe avoiding getting into deeper conversations out of fear of conflicts, who knows. It's unrealistic to suddenly expect brutal honesty. Your best bet is help provide an environment where she'll feel safe to come out of her shell.

Ultimately maybe you're just not compatible. But by any means it's worth working on communication.

On the topic of orgasm, in short - I almost never finish but I also thoroughly enjoy it most of the time. To the point of spacing out of pleasure, just no climax. So I really dislike when people associate strong orgasm with great sex. Sex is so much more than keeping score.

Good luck.

That's brilliant advice honestly thank you.

Since texting her the whole we need to talk thing I've since realised - since at that time it was fresh and I was angry and hurt - that the anxiety I would cause her by saying we need to talk makes it seem this huuuge conversation when really I should make it comfortable for her by making it alot more low key 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, because you are sexually incompatible. You seem to want very distinct and obvious feedback and a play-by-play during and after sex. She's not like that.

So I'm supposed to either (a) just know or (b) walk?

Is this your 'advice'?

Communication Communication communication 

On 12/12/2022 at 5:53 PM, moodindigo91 said:

Honestly, if she's "faking" it -- why do you care lol 

This hits it on the head for me. I would say most women typically don't cum after every sexual encounter. I definitely don't. But when I do, I have a very similar experience to the one you describe your GF having. When I don't I typically play it up a bit, because I know that the man is trying to and expecting me to orgasm. My ex used to literally ask me if I had an orgasm after almost every session. This gets annoying. Men should really stop measuring how successful they are at sex by how often they make women orgasm. Because honestly, although I don't orgasm every time I have sex, that doesn't mean I didn't thoroughly enjoy it. Your GF probably thoroughly enjoys sex with you, and plays it up a lil if she didn't orgasm for your ego's sake. That's a nice GF if you ask me. 

Edit to add: The pressure you're putting on both you and your GF for her to orgasm every time you have sex takes away from the experience of the sex itself. Why not just enjoy it? 

Her rolling over to be on her phone though, I can't say that's something I ever do. That seems to be the main issue. 

I mean I cant speak for any man but myself but maybe, just maybe the combination of the female orgasm being harder to achieve and also it being a conclusion of sorts, entices alot of guys in to that being their final goal. I know I have fell victim to this sex philosophy, and visibly still do, which may I add I dont think is as harmful as lying!

Like I just said to another poster, it is not so much her faking it (even though this isnt good), but it is the fact I (a) havent communicated this sooner, (b) she never seems to initiate any kind of deep, meaningful communication like this, (c) she seems to please rather than be brutally honest. Underpinning all of this is COMMUNICATION.

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's a misguided attempt to protect your ego. 

It could also be that she sometimes isn't that into it and wants to conclude the act, and figures if she pretends to have an orgasm, you two can finish off. 

Then why not just say 'im not feeling this'?

A core of clear, honest and non judgemental communication is absolutely pivotal to a good vibe of a relationship and one hundred percent a deal breaker for me if not there, a long, LONG way way ahead in importance of whether she fakes it not is the fact she cant TELL me.

13 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Honestly, if she's "faking" it -- why do you care lol 

This hits it on the head for me. I would say most women typically don't cum after every sexual encounter. I definitely don't. But when I do, I have a very similar experience to the one you describe your GF having. When I don't I typically play it up a bit, because I know that the man is trying to and expecting me to orgasm. My ex used to literally ask me if I had an orgasm after almost every session. This gets annoying. Men should really stop measuring how successful they are at sex by how often they make women orgasm. Because honestly, although I don't orgasm every time I have sex, that doesn't mean I didn't thoroughly enjoy it. Your GF probably thoroughly enjoys sex with you, and plays it up a lil if she didn't orgasm for your ego's sake. That's a nice GF if you ask me. 

Edit to add: The pressure you're putting on both you and your GF for her to orgasm every time you have sex takes away from the experience of the sex itself. Why not just enjoy it? 

Her rolling over to be on her phone though, I can't say that's something I ever do. That seems to be the main issue. 

Why would I not care, LOL? Faking is still a form of lying and not to mention the reasons as to why she would even want to fake it in the first place? Listen I've faked it once before with a condom with a one night stand but I wouldn't ever entertain doing it with someone I'm close to, it'd wrong.

Communication is key here.

8 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

So, you're planning on being passive-aggressive?

I'm honestly fumbling with not the sex so much or what she might require of me but the communication aspect of it and what to say

31 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That is extremely poor communication. Yikes.

You want to talk about an intimate topic via text?? And you want to question her orgasms via texts?! That's the easiest way to NOT get an honest answer and to put her on the defensive side.

What you need to do is to find a comfortable time to have this discussion face to face. Tell her that you enjoy having sex with her, compliment her and then ask her if and how she enjoys it too. Ask if there are things she'd like you to do so that she can enjoy herself more. Listen and show her that you're willing to try new things for her.

You've been physically intimate, so you can carry an intimate convo. If she doesn't suggest anything, then you either realize you're not compatible or you accept it for what it is.

I have text her to let her know that something is bugging me and just before she left I think she may have realised this anyway but I have not specified what it is that is bugging me and I may just play it slightly coy and say 'We can talk about it when I see you, but no biggie'. I obviously maybe should not divulge all over text but I cannot sit here until Friday or Saturday and be like 'Yeah all good, cool, all is well etc'. I would go crazy. Plus it is fresh in my mind today.

20 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Oh my, she got her phone out and you weren't even off her and began ordering food?!

I'm all for working things out OP, I really am - but you have to ask yourself how compatible you are with who you start hankering down with. These bored actions and sex issues normally start happening around the 7 year itch, in my opinion. 10 months in, you should still be in full blown honeymoon mode, thinking each other walks on water and ripping each others clothes off in a fit of passion every chance you can get! (Okay, maybe other peoples expectations are different 🤣 but that's my personal thinking anyway!)

How are the other aspects of your relationship?

The female orgasm is a little bit of a complicated thing. The man can't do absolutely everything. Part of it is up to the woman. The woman knowing herself, being able to speak up or just move and change up what's happening to suit her - pleasing herself sometimes as well, or having her partner involved, it is not the mans complete responsibility to get her there. I know this myself because, when I first was with my husband, I was a virgin, at 18, and I'd never even touched myself (yeah, I know!) so I didn't have a clue what turned me on or how anything worked, no joke. So as much as we were madly passionate about each other, I would only have an orgasm a couple of times a week, and we were at it like rabbits, two, three times a day sometimes. Now, after 15 years, I almost always do, but this is through me discovering things myself, and also my husband knowing me so well. I think it took about a year for me to really get into my groove and explore things. Having a partner who loves you deeply and is highly involved romantically is going to give that tender, open environment for that kind of thing.

She doesn't seem that great with her communication and you also seem very cautious. I understand not wanting to put her off or hurt her feelings, but you guys should be able to talk about anything, especially if this is going to last forever (I'm not sure if you are looking at potentially forever, I am presuming here!)

I would definitely not text her about this. Oh man, how many times has tone and feeling been misrepresented or misunderstood via text? I think if you bring this up, it should be really private and loving and in person. Make sure she doesn't feel judged. It's not her job to orgasm as well, it's not like it has to happen every single time or she's not good in bed. I know you know this, but sometimes people can get very defensive and hurt about this kind of topic. Gentle and loving is probably the way to go. 

I am a bit concerned she never acknowledged your complaints about the phone thing though. That is not too great a sign in my opinion, but again, I am looking at this from the distance and over the internet.

x

Other aspects seem fine. I make her laugh. Shes smart. A little clingy but very affectionate. A few silences between us sometimes maybe..

As said above I text her to let her know something was on my mind and we can work through it when I see her but I cannot keep a smiley happy face on for a good solid 4 or 5 days until that conversation.

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

10 months is still very new - how is the communication between you both? Can you talk in depth about personal or meaningful things? Or do you feel like you are still very much in the getting to know each other phase?

 

I’ve never understood why women fake, as all it does is promote the sex you’re not really too hot about.

 

I would have a relaxed conversation with her and keep it very up beat. Encourage her to be honest, tell her it’s okay but moving forward you want to please her. 
 

I personally think you know almost straight away if you’re sexually compatible with your partner. Do you feel this deep down, or do you have reservations? 
 

Also, physically, a woman can’t fake an orgasm, because if you are inside her, she will contract - back, forth, back forth - in some people this is intense and obviously, in others more subtle, but it will always happen internally, and you can actually see it from the outside as well if you’re really looking.

 

Just a side note - if she feels watched, or pressure to always orgasm, this can create even more faking, or a very unsexy atmosphere of observation and suspicion. Let her know you don’t expect her to get there every time when you bring this up - this might stop her faking if she feels comfortable being honest and open and knowing it’s no problem if she just had a good time but didn’t get the Big O! 
 

x

Communication is improving but still a bit poor. I am not the best at direct communication and she is a smiley, people pleaser who agrees with me too much. She is honest though when asked, but she will not initiate.

I have had a feeling she has faked it a few times because I kinda know, and I have asked her afterwards 'Have you ever faked?' and I think she said something like 'No, I wouldn't know how'. I just do not belive that.

I honestly don't pressure her mylolita, if anything, I just keep a steady pace and rough her up a bit which I know she likes, but not overly. I notice covers her face when missionary or closes her eyes but I think a lot of females do that to take themselves to a place of orgasm and/or to focus solely on touch and not visual.

Do you think the only way to broach this is face to face and not over text? Because I kinda want to text her and just simply say 'Why do you sometimes fake it?'..

2 hours ago, treasure_island said:

Don't pressure her into climaxing. Some women fake it b/c they feel pressured and don't wanna make the man feel bad. In order to orgasm, the woman needs to relax physically, mentally, emotionally. If the woman doesn't feel like orgasming, then she shouldn't. There should be no pressure. Sex can be beautiful without orgasms too. 

Just make her feel comfortable. Tell her that if she doesn't want to climax it's ok, and to enjoy the moment.  There's no confrontation in that.  Either way, you make sure you are pleasing her very well. 

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It seems like this is the real issue. 

Would her faking it once in a while bother you if she didn't immediately clock out afterward and get back on her phone? (which I also find insensitive and rude, to be clear)

I remember once we had sex and literally as I finished she stayed bent over and opened up her phone ready to order food. I made a half joke out of it and kinda said that was rude but she has done it again once or twice.

If she isn't red faced, unable to speak and shaky legged, I have not done what I was supposed to.

1 hour ago, Kbtoys said:

I wouldn’t outright bring it up, but just ask if she enjoys it and if she would like certain things i.e. positions, toys, recommendations, etc.  She should be able to communicate with you on her preferences.  I have had times where my gf wants me to take my time, other times get it over with, etc.  It just depends on their schedule, mood, etc.  She might need to reply on the phone for work, school, family, prior commitments, etc.  

I would just communicate with her on what you like and she should be able to do the same.  If you can’t at least tell each other your bedroom preferences then might be a bigger issue on communication.  I get annoyed as well when my gf is in a time crunch and just wants a quicky just so she can resume cooking, watching tv, browsing on her phone, etc.  The type of sex and connection isn’t always going to be the same, so just as long as you both know what situation.  
 

I’m sure your gf also has somethings she would like to address, but maybe the communication isn’t open to the type of conversation.  She would probably rather be on her phone browsing, but takes time out of her day to let you know she still wants some type of connection with you.  When that stops, then it might be an issue.

I feel like I want to bring it up outright though, as direct communication is something that is not my forte and strength and if I out right bring it up I may, just may get an outright answer.

While obviously not sounding too accusatory or putting her at unease.

Hello.

Me [32M] and my girlfriend [27F] have been dating around 10 months and the sex has been (a) regular, atleast 3 or 4 times a week and (b) pretty good for the most part but there is one thing that is bugging me and has done for a bit now..

I think she is faking it quite a few times.

How often exactly? I don't know. Since when? I dont know. Why? I don't know.

She seems to get off by stimming her clit while slow doggy/missionary one leg up.

There's obviously been quite a few times I'm sure I've made her cum, so afterwards she usually needs a good 5 minutes before she can speak or she's flushed or her vagina tenses up just prior or during or he whole body contracts etc.

But a few times her whole body is as loose as anything, she makes a little herky jerky movement in her hips, no tensing and then when I go to touch her clit (thinking it's way too sensitive to touch), she doesn't pull back of back off, almost welcomes it. Afterwards she's on her phone within a minute like everything is normal. Kinda rude.

I'm not 18 year old and clueless, I am 32 and I have had sex enough times to kinda gauge when a girl *sometimes* tends to fake it.

My trouble is how do I bring it up without making it weird or awkward for next time we ***? I don't wanna sound accusatory but I also don't wanna sit there and act dumb or like I don't know/care.

TL;DR : I [32M] am pretty sure my partner [28F] is faking it and I don't know why or for how long and I dont know how to approach it.

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you didn't text her back because you don't want to see her again?

No. It was honestly moreso the conversation just came to a halt and I opted to give the whole communication over the internet thing a day or two of rest. 

Also semi figured it'd be a decent idea to see if she'd reach out to me, since most of it - I feel - has been from me to her.

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want to see if she is up for a sober date? Has she contacted you?

Yes I do. After we woke up Friday morning, I walked her to work, we then exchanged texts that day, she text me back Saturday morning and I sidnt reply. 

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you know for a fact she isn't having drunken hookups with other men?

I hope you used condoms.

 

In 2 weeks? No of course I'm not a fly on her wall but I'd hazard a guess and say maybe not, for a few little reasons.

45 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You barely know each other, OP. 

But I would hardly describe her as reticent if you're aleady having sex. Just because you haven't had any deep conversations yet about what you're both looking for doesn't mean she is reserved, exactly. 

But you would be wise to cut out the boozing on these dates. You will never get to know each other properly if you're always smashed. Try arranging a real date. Not just an alcohol-soaked hookup, since it will probably also leave her wondering if that's all you're after too. 

 

Yeah maybe I jumped the gun. And maybe I havent considered a) her BPD may interact with this and b) I myself haven't particularly made any position I may have clear.

I think if we meet up again, I would definitely like to actually remember interactions and stuff and be able to get to know one another without alcohol.

Hello all.

I started chatting to a girl on Bumble, we exchanged numbers, chatted a little on Instagram and then we've now met up twice. 

I wouldn't call it a date per se, because all that's happened is we've had a few little ice breaker'esque conversations, proceeded to stifle any awkwardness with heavy dousing of alcohol and went on to have sex several times after. Whether we actually *vibe* or not sober is another issue. She also over shared on the first meeting, saying she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Thing is, I dont know what she thinks or even what she wants. Does she want marriage and kids? Does she only want something casual? I mean I personally don't want a full blown relationship right now but I'd be open to like, keep this *arrangement* going, so long as it's mutual obviously.

But she hasn't once said *that was really good lastnight* or *you're nice* or even if she said *you're too arrogant, bye* She has gave me nothing.

I think the word that may describe her is reticent. She does also strike me as a little shy and maybe wants me to take the initiative, I dunno its hard to gauge. 

Also I mean, I may be wrong but, I think if I just left our convo on Instagram alone, I don't think she'd reach out much, if at all.

What does this tell me? And should I just ask her what's up and what she actually wants? Or is 2 *dates* in too early for that deep convo and should I just keep it light, easy, fun, breezy?