I have a bit of a strange request. I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB. He's completely loyal and devoted to me and obviously gave all of that up once we got into a relationship. Personally I have very little sexual experience because I always figured it is something to be shared with someone special. And while I'm sure that I must have met people in my life who have engaged in casual sex, I've never met anyone who's admitted to it so it is a very 'out there' idea for me.
I've never understood how someone as sweet and caring as him could do something that seems so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic. I was able to brush it aside for a long time but lately it is causing me a lot of anxiety. More often than not I spend most of the night lying awake with my heart racing, my mind continuously going over how someone so loving could do something like that. I can feel my stomach cramping up as I'm typing this.
He is perfect for me in every (other) way and I don't want to give him up, I've never felt as loved as I do today. I just desperately want to feel at peace with it. I've tried things like masturbating and picturing a random person is there with me, and in the moment itself it doesn't seem that terrible. My own hand, someone else's hand, whatever. But when night rolls around I picture this person I love with his hands all over someone whose name he barely even knows, only to never see them again, and I spend the next four hours tossing and turning. How can someone so wonderful share something so private with a stranger and not feel violated? How can our minds mesh so well except for this one thing?
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to hear, but I guess experiences from someone who's been in my position or someone who likes casual sex as well would be nice. I don't want to ask him about it too much because ultimately it's in his past, and because there's always a chance that what he says might trigger me. But some comforting words from someone who's not directly involved would be great.
I'm not religious so I don't have any specific reasons for feeling the way I feel about it. I'm open to having someone change my mind about it, but as of now I'm just not seeing it and the lack of sleep is affecting my ability to deal with life.
Another thing I should probably mention is that I don't have any issues with the relationships he's been in. Obviously it's not my favourite thing to think about, but it's not traumatic the way the casual stuff is.
Thank you so much in advance.