buzzer

I'm miserable and am thinking of all the happy times we were together. I'm thinking of how you used to play with the kids and made them feel so happy. I miss our alone times. I miss the affection. I miss talking to you, your voice, your smile, your laughter. I miss the good times.

I was so close to contacting you to see if we can work things out. Why do I feel the need to contact you when you have hurt me so much? I'm crying so much from all the pain I feel inside my heart. I can't think straight, work is getting to me, and my life is a mess right now. I miss the good times. I don't miss the way you used to control me. I sit here crying thinking how much I really loved you. I thought you would commit after so many years. I really thought you cared. Why did you have such a conditional love? Why did I not see those warning signs and big red flags? I can't believe I almost contacted you. Am I stupid for wanting you back? I need my self esteem and pride back. I feel like such a doormat right now. All stepped on and torn apart. I'll get over this, I will. It is going to take a very long time.

This NC is extremely hard for me. I hate being ignored. You have passive aggressive emotional abuse. Why did I not see those signs? Why did I let you stomp on me like a dirty old rug? I hate you for ruining my life. I hate you for being such an * * * * * * * . I hate you for not defending me with your family that treated me like * * * * ! I hate you!!!!

I wish things were different between us. I sure miss you a lot. I miss your hugs and gentle kisses. I'm ready to start the healing process. It will be lengthy one.