ghostgirl116

Day 11 - I am in hell. I wont call her or contact her there is no use. That would make this all worse. 2008 will forever be my worse year ever. I lost my wife of 20 years in May, and today I heard two songs that started the day of totally wrong.

 

She never cried in front of me by Toby Keith and

 

Better as a Memory than as your man by K Chesney.

 

to make matters worse, Had a huge fight with my roommate who is the Godfather of my Kids, and my Best friend.

 

They say bad things happen in threes, what's left to lose. My son, My Parents or My life. Getting to close to the bottom of the barrell. Dont know how much more I can take.

i'm sorry its such a tough day for you. its like that... good days/rotten days, days that start good and end rotten, or the other way around. you have so much on your plate... go easy on yourself. "this too shall pass"

(((()))) gg

I never thought I'd make it to 15 days, but here I am. Half the challenge is done, and I'm getting stronger by the day.

 

I admit to a bit of a relapse of anger and regret, though. I can't help but think of what could have been, over and over again. It pisses me off to no end that things had to end the way they did. I wonder if I'm missed, or if the face that I'm really sticking to my guns this time has started to freak him out.

 

Oh well, there's no use in speculating. It is what it is.

o my gosh,,, i feel the exact same way today!!! well, i don't feel the anger, but some regret. ok, lotsa regret today. and wonder if i'm missed.

sending good thought your way...

xo gg

24 hours down.

and guess what?

best 24 hours in the past month.

im not saying i wont have a bad day soon.

but its no longer about him missing me.

or him talking to me.

 

its about me.

keep it up, mattysfun!

xo gg

you just sound like a lovely woman. mark is missing out. i think what makes things so hard is that we have this need for control. it feels good when you realize you just have to give it up and hand it over. i'm struggling with that, too.

i'm at this point today where i feel a little afraid that i won't ever see him again. i know some people will scoff at something like that, as we weren't together very long at all. but i haven't had a bf that i enjoyed and felt so comfortable with since i was very young, and its so hard to know that i have to let that go. i try and comfort myself knowing that whats meant to be will be.

xoxo gg

DAY 3

 

I don't know what to say. Yeah, it hurts a bit. But since I had already moved on to a large degree before trying to win her back, I'm in a good spot. I've been dating different women anyways. So, its cool. I don't know if I should keep posting here, because this NC will most likely last FOREVER. That's the hard part. FOREVER is such a scarry thought.

 

i know just what you mean.

 

xo gg

i'm glad you understand needing the help with closing the door. unfortunately, i guess i'm just doing it by myself. just taking his lack of contact and going with that. i keep wondering that he may have done that in the email that i deleted, but i won't know. i have so many other things going on that require my attention, so i know i don't have the time/energy to be concerned with what ails him in his too. that sounds terribly selfish of me in a way... but he made his choice. i guess i just never thought in a million years he'd want to be back with someone who disrespected him so, who made him so miserabel, whom he couldn't wait until she found someone else so that she'd leave him alone... all a red herring, like i said. wouldn't matter whether she was there or not (and she'd always be there, they have a young son together), he still closed me out.

had a rough day today. some other stuff going on, and i just feel exhausted emotionally. and there is no one that i can turn to. it sucks.

felt pretty peaceful this morning, though. so i'll try and think of that.

i hope you are well. thank you for thinking of me.

xo gg

still nc. i haven't counted, as i have no intention of contacting. this is my second stint of nc, and i think i may be at day five? ok, thats counting!

i've started to feel guilty and childish for looking at his ex wife's myspace page, even though i didn't go looking for it. i think i looked at it a total of three times. not anymore. last i looked, it looked like she was under the impression they were getting back together? i'm still completely floored with it. he was always respectful of his wife, but was miserable when they were married... and i could see why! she has been extremely disrespectful to him. ok, i know thats just a red herring in the scheme of it. i guess i'm just floored, thats all.

i am feeling a little better each day. i can't wait until i'm through this and can just move on.

Nope, SusieQ...he's never too busy!

 

I've come to understand that His ways are so much higher than mine, how could I possibly understand the mind of my Father, He who created all?

 

So yep, He knows how much you and me love our men, and only He knows what the big picture is.

I'm right there with ya girl, I don't have flowery words of advice, I'm going thru it myself, but we are not going thru it alone!

i just wanted to say i find inspiration in your whole attitude!!

xo gg

day 2

oh my god, did someone just kick me in the gut all night?

Day 4 -

 

I feel ok, talked with her about kid issues last night, taking my son camping this weekend to West Virginia. Should be a lot of fun, we both enjoy guns and planning on killing some paper targets. I have counciling this morning, not to sure what we are going to talk about. I think i have made it through the five stages. I probably have some issues to work on. The loneliness seems to be subsiding. I am ok by myself with plutonic friends. I believe all that right, yeah, I do. I use to worry about my future, not so concerned anymore.

 

So Giddy Up Day 4. I hope I feel this good or better at Day 30.

 

Dave

 

A good morning and hello to Kaylajoy, MP, and gg Thanks to you guys for getting my focus off of me and my problems. Hope your day goes well.

i hope your day is going well!

gg

thanks kayla. i hope you are doing well today.

gg

Sorry gg,

 

would never judge you or tell you i told you so. You have been supportive to the rest of us here. I really feel bad that you are so down. I bet when your happy you fly with the clouds. The bad feelings will pass. Remember what I told you about smiling and saying something nice. Encourage someone else and you will be encouraged. Hug your daughter, it will help. I know when I hug my kids, the problems of the world go away. . . for a while.

 

As far as the myspace stuff. . . I have heard there is tracking software, I doubt most people even use the stuff.

 

Here for you

 

Dave

hi dave... i keep thinking that most folks would give me up as a hopeless cause!! thank you for the kind words.

the weird thing is, i'd sort of like a response like... "look, i'm with someone else" or "leave me alone". not that that is really what i WANT to hear, but that i'd feel then that the avenues have been exhausted, and feel like i really tried, and could let it all go. no fantasies about seeing him, etc. i guess in some ways, given how crappy things have gone for him, and i can imagine that its esp. hard given that he's 40 and starting all over again, i worried that maybe i'd been too harsh, wanted too much when i wanted it, and not been understanding enough. the last we saw each other, (over a month ago), it was so pleasant, and we had such a lovely talk. and the next day, when i didn't hear from him, i freaked, and called that evening and gave him a hard time. i apologized the next day, but never got a response or heard from him until three weeks later, after i sent him the email telling him he was a cad. i kind of wish i'd read his response now, because it could have given some closure then. not to mention, i have a very personal part of myself that i have been struggling with for well over a year... and i know that i would not be good in a relationship, and these fantasy "meetings" and conversations have just been killing me. so, although it would hurt like hell, i guess i need him to help me close the door.

thanks for everything.

i am such a dummy sometimes. ever since i came accross his ex wife's page, i popped on it again twice. i don't know why i do these things.

anyway, a few days ago, i saw that she had put in the area of how she was feeling that she was in love with ****. i really didn't look beyond that, but despite how he seemed to feel about her when we dated, i wonered if perhaps they were reconciling. it seemed pretty clear by some of the ways she acted when we dated that she really wanted him. once she called him when she knew he was with me to come and fix their son's tv... it was midnight, and i could hear her arguing with him as to why he wouldn't come and do this thing for their son (he is three, by the way, so he was sleeping). then around the time that things started to fall apart for him, and he needed some space and time (he later told me that he was a complete @****** to everyone but his kids at this time), i would send him emails (even before that, too) and messages on myspace, and she knew his passwords to both and went in and erased all of my messages to him. some of my emails were very personal. he didn't confront her on it, he just changed his password.

anyway, i figured with the way that she was with him (that i witnessed firsthand) that she likely still had strong feelings for him.

well yesterday, i do it again. i get on her page, i don't know why. i see that she has moved him from the friend status that was maybe fifth or sixth or so before to third now. and the nasty little blog that she wrote about how he was such a jerk (i'm cleaning up the language) was gone.

and what did i do? i sent him a text. the gist of it was "i was thinking of you and i hope you're well. i miss talking to you." i did this around eleven last night, and i was as sober as a judge, too. i'm and idiot.](*,)

so i'm back to square one.

please don't say i told you so... i already know i shouldn't have.

i have a question... can a person tell if i looked at their myspace page?

he is the one who wanted to divorce her, too, so i can see where she would want him still, maybe. he was never adamant, or never ever put her down or anything, but it would seem that reconciling with her would be the last thing he'd do. not that it matters, really. i'm just really sad and feeling dumb.

gg

thank you for the kind words. i hope that you have a lovely day with your kids. i plan on going down to a festival downtown this afternoon with my little girl. i'm not feeling so down today. i guess acceptance is taking hold... i sure hope so!

gg

i've been really down today. i guess it all just really hit me. i mean, he doesn't care and doesn't want me. when it completely sinks in, it really hurts like hell, but then, i feel like i can better move on. the fantasies are there sometimes... you know, he calls/texts/emails, whatever, just to see how i'm doing. but like i said, its finally sinking in that he just doesn't care.

Thanks gg went to church last night, they talked about forgiveness, I realized that by engaging her in these arguments was part of the problem. I was holding on to the anger and bringing the bitterness back up. She can rant and rave all she wants, she gets no fight from me. too many emotions, too much time invested. There are some very young people who post here who talk about thier less than a year relationships going in the tank. I smile when they talk of how hurt they are and think I would love to have lost a 10 week to 12 month relationship. This 20 year thing makes no sense.

 

How are things going with you ?

 

Dave

hey dave! i'm having the devil of a time these past couple of days. feel so warm and fuzzy for the guy, and really don't feel mad. the not feeling angry part is fine, but not when it spills over to warm and fuzzy! i've had a good cry yesterday and today, which i guess is good, because i so rarely cry. (funny, i used to be a big crier when i was younger... i guess when you have a kid or kids, you learn to wear the mask well enough...)

i keep wondering how he is doing, and yesterday the temptation was huge to check out his myspace page. i took my daughter roller skating instead. then after that found other things to do.

so thats about it. i have some personal things in my life that i have to work on, and try to focus on that... i say "well, you know now is not a good time for you to be in a relationship, anyway".

i hope that you are doing better today. you're dealing with a lot, and you seem strong through it. will you have your kids this weekend?

gg

Day 1 - Again

 

Here I go again. The fighting wont stop. Hateful nonsense keeps getting said. The relationship is over. If it were not for the fact there are kids involved, this N/C would be simple. Made it 15 days a little while back and I felt great. I keep recycling Day 1. I am committing to n/c again.

hi dave! hang in there! i can't imagine how tough it must be with kids. with my little girl's father, he hardly ever was interested in the status of his daughter when we moved to dayton from california, so there were periods of nc, but it was so hard! its just super hard when you have to deal with the other parent!! it took a couple of years (i really had very strong feelings for him, and he had taken up with someone else while we were still together, so i was going through a lot!!), but eventually it just dawned on me that i would be ok. and this calm came over me. (i even remember the moment... i was in the shower! )

it will happen for you, too, dave. it will take time,and you will just need to be patient with yourself.

((()))) gg

well, my friend, you are only human. you had a really long relationship, and kids... i can't imagine how hard it is to do nc under the circumstances.

stay strong (())

gg

hey dave! i needed a couple of days away from ena... i love this site, and it helps me a lot, but sometimes when i'm on here a lot, i focus too much on what makes me sad. so i thought i'd step away for the weekend.

yesterday was the ex's b-day. a big one... 40. i was a good girl, and didn't send a text, call or email saying happy birthday. i doubt it would have meant anything.

i hope you are well!

gg

Question gg - You say he is no longer on a pedestal. Do you

find that you actually miss the relationship or companionship more than you actually miss him. That was the conclusion I came to a few days back. I missed what I knew and had, I really dont think I missed her and all the problems. Dont get me wrong there were good times, its just this thing about doing it her way.

 

Dave

well, i'm not sure what i miss to be honest. before i came accross his ex-wife's page, i felt sure that i missed him. i say "before" because i saw from what she wrote that her feelings for him were still very strong, and she says she felt that he never really loved her. i suppose i've started to wonder about his actual capacity to love, romantic love, that is. i know he loves his family, his kids, and i knew he loved his first wife, who ended up having a lesbian affair and wanted to leave him to persue other women. ouch! (yes, he was married twice)

there have been times when it was hard to know how he felt about anything. the relationship seemed pretty steady, and serious. but neither one of us said "i love you". i tend to tread lightly with the whole love thing, and i suspect he does, too.

so i know that doesn't answer the question entirely. the way that he blew me off calls into question some very fundamental things about his character, so right now i'm rather confused. in fact, i'm not sure that i miss anything right now. i'm just still hurt.

doing some things today to feel better... about to go have the hair trimmed up, the nails done.

i hope you are well!

gg

Day 8 -

 

Not Good, Watched a movie "Fools Gold" recommended by a friend. Kinda funny bout some treasure hunters. Unfortunatley they were a husband and wife that got divorced and ended up working it out. God I hate movies, there so BS.

 

God please help me stay strong, she doesnt care, calling her only hurts me. help me stop crying, I cant live this way.

 

Dave

man, i hear ya! i never really liked those romantic comedy type movies. always rolling my eyes, going "really!" and they try to make it so real. a big ol' whatever to that! if i'm going to get lost in a fantasy, i'll take "lord of the rings"!

feeling better today. its been a really busy day. actually, the ex is not quite on that pedestal today. i'm kind of just feeling like i don't care if i ever hear from him again. wow... did i just say that??

hey gg,

 

Cheer up, The highlight of my days is reading some of the encouraging things you say. Please be happy. Many of us need the cheerful things you say and how you seem to be able to go on.

 

I was thinking about starting a "Bucket List" have you seen the movie ?

 

1. Buying a Motorcycle

 

2. Traveling somewhere for a weekend by train.

 

3. Visiting the Alamo

 

4. Paying my respects to SSG Randell Brownfield

 

5. Learning Guitar

 

Still working

 

 

How bout some help with the list ? Have you seen the movie "Get Smart" There is some great slap slick

 

Dave

you know, i started a myspace page sunday night. i had no intention of looking at his profile, and i haven't. but what did occur not very long ago (today) was in my search for friends i ran accross his ex-wife's page. i know that i shouldn't have, but i clicked on it. curiosity got the better of me. he is one of her friends, but she wrote this blog a few months ago about how she felt used by him. and he had sent her a few comments, nice ones, like a happy mothers day. i'm kind of glad i looked, although i guess because i did it puts me back to day one. oh well, don't mind starting over.

but something about seeing it makes me feel like i don't know that i would want him back in my life. does that make any sense?

ok... the bucket list. haven't seen the movie, but i like the concept!!

1. hang gliding. esp. given my fear of heights!!

2. i would love to travel all over the u.s. with my daughter in a camper/rv. just the dog, the cats, and us girls. yeah!

3. go to china, japan, germany, and scotland.

i will definitely think of more!!

thank you for the words of encouragement!! they were so helpful.

gg

just feeling sad and tired today.

cried a little last night. have a few moments of depression today, even a few of anger, but they don't last. i keep faith in the goodness of the universe, so maybe some day i'll actually meet a guy that it will work out and be good.