twopercenter

...they basically go thru a withdrawal period b/c the feelings of the affair was like an addiction...they have to get over that excitement (not reality) and come back down to the real world...

 

..it is such a long and hard road to travel...and don't forget to give yourself time to forgive....it will happen gradually as she proves herself by her actions (and her feeling fade for him) ...you can't will forgiveness and trust back onto yourself...i'm still working thru that stuff...

 

Thanks for this supportive post. I can see where some of the others can't see any way to forgive this betrayal - I admit I am having a lot of trouble imagining a day when I will be past this.

Yes, she did a terrible thing to me. Call me a fool if you like, but I cannot accept the notion that she doesn't love me because she did this.

People make mistakes. I'm one of them and I know how easy it is to become attracted to the point of an affair.

How?

Well, it happened to me about 9 years ago. I ended it before it became a full - blown affair with sexual intercourse, but I never told my wife about it. I just carried the guilt around with me. It made me feel I wasn't worthy of my marriage and caused me to become withdrawn and probably contributed to the reasons she went out and had an affair herself.

Since finding out about her affair, I have told her about the affair I had so many years ago. I explained that I had a certain amount of empathy toward her since I'd been there myself.

I'm sure some of you out there are thinking that I'm getting what I deserve now. That may be true.

I prefer to think that I am strong because I am staying with her, not weak. The easiest thing in the world to do would be to just kick her to the curb, but given my past, that wouldn't be very fair would it?

Affairs are never justifiable, but they are understandable - and if they are understandable then they must be forgivable.

 

As hard as this is the solution here is you have to forgive her, totally. I know how intensly hard that is. But if you dont do that you always will have lingering feelings about this. You dont have to forget about what happened and shouldnt.

Iceman,

It would be so much easier to forgive her if she didn't still have feelings for him. If this affair had been ended by her or her affair partner instead of me discovering it in full bloom, that would be easier too.

I am in to much pain right now to forgive. All I can do is hang on and try to build some positive bridges over the gap between us.

Ouch..sorry to hear this.

 

Is her affair partner married also? If so, does his spouse know about the affair?

He is recently divorced.

I give you a LOT of credit for trying to work things out. Many people would just walk.

Thanks. I don't know why, but it's encouraging to hear those words.

Not sure if it's possible to EVER fugoing to trylly get over something like this, but I know that MANY couples marriages have become stronger after an affair because it forced them to REALLY look at what they were doing wrong and to REALLY start talking again...which was probably something that led them astray to begin with. Truthfully..the affair partner is the one who should be doing all the necessary work to gain your trust back. Is she doing anything to show you she is NOT in contact with him anymore? Does she get defensive? Is she truly remorseful about this? I would think if someone were sincere about working things out, they would whatever was necessary to make that happen...ie, counseling etc..... These are just a few things I wanted to throw out there....

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there...

If there's one thing she could be doing, it's showing me more remorse for what she's done. I think she still feels that the affair was justified by my failure to meet her emotional needs.

I am encouraged by her willingness to go to more counseling if that's what I want, but I don't think she'd make the first move to suggest that.

She is accountable for her time when she's away from home and gives me the opportunity to question her without becoming defensive.

I am hoping that our relationship can be rebuilt from the wreckage it is currently in. We are both willing to try. We are certainly doing a lot of talking and spending time together. We have had more meaningful conversations in last 2 months than we've had in the past seven years.

I'm hoping that her feelings for her affair partner will fade before my willingness to work on this does. That's all.

You say that you know she still has strong feelings for him but how do you know that? Has she explicitly or implicitly said so? It is easy to project how you think a partner should feel rather than talking to her and finding out from her own mouth.

 

I take it that part of the counselling is to discover why she cheated and how you can be reasonably assured she won't do it again?

She has told me herself that she still has these feelings and that they will take time to get over.

 

Maybe it would be good for you to go to some sessions by yourself.

 

I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for you. This sounds like it will be really hard to move past.

I am going to sessions with a psychologist to help me deal with my feelings.

I wish she were going also. It might help her see the relationship she had in a more realistic light. I'm pretty sure she would completely refuse to if I suggested it.

Married 10+ years

2 kids under 10

It's been almost two months since I discovered my wife's affair. As is often the case, her affair partner was someone I knew, too. In fact, I would have called him a friend up until December 18th.

The affair was more than a one night stand (15 months) and would probably be continuing right now if I hadn't discovered it.

We are still together - have resolved to try and salvage our relationship. We have attended couples counseling, been reading books and doing a lot of talking.

Although I have no way of knowing if this is true or not, she swears she has had no contact with him since the first week following my discovery apart from a chance meeting several weeks ago in public.

I know she still has strong feelings for him. This is hard for me to deal with. I'm giving everything I have to make this work, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle at times.

I know it'll take her some time to get over him, but I don't know if I can keep on working as hard as I am so long as she's carrying the torch for him.