black eyed

Sorry, a bit cheesy!

Do you remember the first time we met

You turned away from my gaze

I fell, tumbled head over heel

And every time you were near, I took a deep breath

I would love to smell your hair

I would love to feel your skin

I would love to taste your mouth

I would love you to let me in

Your eyes haunt my sleep

Your face keeps me awake

Your voice awakens my butterflies

You’re amazing, angelic, and truly divine

I would love you to want me

I would love you to touch me

I would love you too hear me

I would love you to see me

I would love you to love me

And then you looked back

And reached into my soul

And every nerve in our bodies connected

you moved towards me and took my hand,

our worlds stood still

and you told me

I want you

I want to touch you

I want to feel you

I want to taste you

And run my hands through your hair

And lay my head on your chest

I want to love you

Hold the stones in you bare fist

Scrape your knuckles

The salty blood

Drips into my eyes

And the shards of bone pierce my skin

Freeze dried and full of sin

My heart is served

With blood sauce

And pickled sweat

On your plate

Hold the rock

Crack the skull that first appears

And wipe it up with your hair

Wrapped around my neck like a noose

I am hung out to dry

On your flag pole

And the breath from your mouth is a gale

That rips the flesh from my bones

And leaves me exposed

Muscle and sinew and quivering organs

I am dead to you.

The tattooed night sky reaches my eyes

And the whispering wind, my soul

The shimmering stars are friends of mine

And my world will be complete and whole

I will share this world, its joy and delight

And watch the sun turn the black to light

I will feel the warmth of winters end

I know for sure that I will love again.

Brilliant!

From that I am sure you are an amazing person and one day you will see that.

"whenamansloveisreal" if you are referring to when I said she has done far to much damage maybe I should clarify.

We lived together for a year - it was blissful but one night she said to me she just cant do this anymore and needed a break .We spoke and she finally decided she was going to try.During this converation her phone rings and I hear her telling this guy that no she won't be able to make it. Anyway a few weeks later she does leave and about a week later she's crying and asks to get back together.But I don't ask her to move back.

So we carry on with this cycle of her breaking up and then getting back together a few times and then things start going okay and we get engaged.

All this time my daughter gets very attached to her.

Then her brother is in a serious car accident and is in intensive care for 4 weeks and in hospital for three months. All this time I am with her at the hospital every night and sometimes twice a day.

Then her father finds out he has kidney cancer and lands up in hospital at the same time,so for another six months we are at the hospital every night and I look after her and her mother while he is in hospital.

I fully understood what a tough time it was for her and I was there for her.

So anyway last December while her dad is still in hospital she tells me that she is so drained from all that is going on and a women from her work has invited her to go away for the weekend to a resort.I totally supported that and even drove her to the woman from her works house and gave her a little card telling her to enjoy her weekend etc...

In january I am at work and a friend of mine that works with her tells me did I know that X had gone away for the weekend with another guy. So I phoned her and confronted her and she finally admitted it.

So once again we broke up.

She crys etc and then like an idiot I take her back again and forgive her.

Then the cycle starts again - one time just before we broke up yet again I had bought her Brian Adams tickets because I know she love him (not my kind of music) and she lands up going with another guy she had "made a connection" with even before we broke up.

And what will you know I took her back again!!!!

So know with this last break up I have decided that is that. She has hurt me (AND my daughter) one to many times.

I know I have been a fool but man even through all this I still love her!! How messed up is that.

Yeah

I am definitely going to leave the phone at home!!! but then my mind starts thinking what if she phones to wish me a happy new year,but then should I even answer or should I care??

I don't know.

Maybe take the phone but stay sober?

Sounds easier then I think its going to be.

Hi Blender

unfortunately I have stipulated visitation and this new year she is with her mother,otherwise I would spend that time with her.I just wonder if staying at home by myself might just be worse.

Hi everyone.

I am hoping for some advice on how to cope with all these conflicting emotions I am going through and am shortly going to go through.

It seems that the more I try to keep my head above water the harder it becomes.My life just seems to become more confusing.

At the moment I am trying to cope with my feelings of really missing the ex and keeping with NC even though it is so tempting to just give up.But now with everything I am trying to deal with, new issues arise.

I have been invited to my ex mother in-law for christmas eve.Originally it was just going to be her and my ex wifes grandmother and my daughter.She usually spends it with her boyfriend and her mother sees me still as her son and we have a very good relationship. But now it turns out that her and her boyfriend are going to be there and I cannot refuse because I have already accepted and my daughter is so excited that I am going to be there.

It is just going to kill me watching the three of them interacting like the family that was supposed to be mine.

So now I am trying to deal with how I am going to get through that night when my best friend who has invited me to a big new years party tells me that my ex girfriend prior to my current ex (I know it can be quite complicated) is going to be at the party with her husband.That relationship did not end very amicably and I have not seen or spoken to her in more than three years.

I really feel like just disapearing until these holidays are over.How on earth am I supposed to handle all this?

Aaaarg!!!!

So now why is it just as I am thinking things are going to be okay these holidays out of the blue she phones me. I didn't recognise the number (I had deleted it) so I answered it.

Well so she just says "am I disturbing you?" and I say no and then she proceeds to tell me all about this beautiful bowl she saw (we had be looking all over for one for the table before we split) and she was wondering if she could buy it for me. I said no I don't think that will be a good idea.

Then she tells me how every time she hears that song from Snow Patrol "Chasing cars" she thinks about me and that she misses me! What is she trying to do????

Anyway I tell her that it is just the season and all that is making her miss me and it will pass and she says "is that what you tell yourself?" and I say "Yes" and she says "does it work?" and I just say "Yes"

But then I go and say something stupid - I say "hey you should come visit sometime" and she says "are you sure?" and immediately I regret having said that so I said "sure,maybe someday." and she says "when? in like ten years?" so I laughed and said "probably" and she says "yes I think it will be hard"

So I can hear that she doesn't want to end the conversation and before I again regret saying another stupid thing I tell her thanks for the call and look after yourself, and she keeps saying yes you must come visit my dad has something for you etc...

Well then I said "okay take care" and ended it there.

Why do you think she would do this? what are her intentions?

Anyway I have been invited to friends for what I think most of you would call a barbeque?? (we call it a braai) and I think they are going to try and set me up with someone today.

Your avarice is opaque,

your penitence is feinged,

a deceptive facade you have successfully gained.

You are crass and insipid

a wanton debaser,

seductive,licentious debauchery liberator.

And for all these reasons,

and many more unsaid

you tore out my heart

just to get ahead.

You ripped it out

and tore it up

not so unintentionally,

but that is just they way you are

and the way you will always be.

To all the times of loneliness

and desolate despair

times of raging depression

and abandoned desire to care,

mythological hapiness

and legendary bliss,

I raise my cup

and toast to times like this,

for when these moments pass,

as they most certainly always do

life seems so much better

when these times are through.

Wow

thanks, those are some wise words. Blender I have had a moment of clarity and you hit the nail on the head. I think I am wishing for a time past that I know is not going to happen.The honeymoon is long over,the beginning was good but the end just dragged on and on.

The future looks bright.

I am going to put my daughter first and spend some quality time with her this christmas.We are going to enjoy the new house I bought for me and the ex and soak up the sun in the new pool that she will be missing out on.

Thanks guy,lets hope this feeling lasts!!!

Thanks for the replies guys

RayKay,funny but rollercoaster ride is exactly what I have used to decribe what I have been through and yes it was definitely a toxic relationship.

I suppose I should understand about getting through all this, my last serious relationship was with my wife - we were together for ten years,married for five of those.She left me for one of our good friends (not really such a good friend I guess!) and that pain was almost unbearable.It took me three years before I could even start dating again but we have been divorced for six years now and we are now really good friends but I would never want her back (by the way the cute little puppy in my avatar is my daughters)

But even though my mind knows time will heal it is just the here and now that is so difficult and for some reason this girl feels like a bad drug that I know is going to be my ruin but i just cant stop.

Okay

I have read just about every post under relationships and could have posted many times under just about every forum (my relationship has gone through every stage - breaking up,getting back together,coping etc..), so finally I have decided to stop lurking and start posting.

Just a bit of background:

We were together for three years - engaged for about a year.Throughout the three years she must have broken up with me about eight times (the whole story is seriously complex and complicated) but finally after the last break up 3 months ago and her trying to get back with me once again I decided to call it quits and went into NC (73 days now) and I have been doing fantastic.

But this is where I start getting confused. Last week she happened to arrive at my work for a job interview and it totally threw me (we work for the same company she is just at a different branch) She never got the job which is probably a good thing for me but I somehow felt disappointed????What is that about?

Anyway today her dad (he works at the same branch as me) comes into my office and starts telling me how when things ended between his daughter and myself he never meant for me to disappear from his life and he loves me like a son and him and his wife still want me in their life even though I am out of her life etc.. and they have bought me a christmas present and then he starts to cry!!!!Believe me he is a strong human being and over the last year and a half I have stood by the family while he was battling cancer and had his kidney and bladder and a few other things removed so his crying really knocked me.

So later today I get a text message from her saying her dad told her he spoke to me and how relieved she feels and I must remember I am always welcome.

Now I know I can never go back to her - she has done far to much damage but all I can do is think about her and how much I would love her to be in my arms and spend Christmas with her and her family.

Damn I just can't seem to get this woman out of my system - what do I do now???