Kanbi

Ok, it's been two weeks since anybody's given me their advice. Two weeks and I feel like my relation with my father is slipping. Everytime I see him, I can't help but hate him. I'm sure he knows why I've been acting this way by now. It's been two weeks and I haven't gotten over it. I'd really appreciate some advice.

Actually, my parents don't seem so happy with their marriage, yet they still stay together, probably for their children's sake. Still, the fact that he did those things still hurts me. So far he hasn't reacted so I'm not sure if he discovered the files were deleted.

Well, about talking to a school counselor. . . . . . I don't know if I could be comfortable with that since I don't know them. Actually, my family is pretty distant from our other relatives so I don't see them much. I'm not really close with them either.

I once posted a topic a month ago where I discovered my dad looked at sex sites. I decided not to interfer and live life on, pretending I didn't know even though it still ate me away inside. Today, I decided to "check" on my father's computer if he was still going to such sites. I also decided to go further in my "investigation" by looking around the hard drive for any files that were related. What I found . . . . was a video with my dad having sex with another woman whom I have never met before. After that, I deleted all the files he had except for that video (since it required a password to trash that certain file). This whole day, I've been crying and it's eating me. I can't tell my mother this. I just can't do it. I had to pretend that I was watching a sad movie when she walked in on my crying in my room and as I continue to type this, I'm crying. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how I should feel. I didn't think things would be as bad as this. But it is. I'm really scared that my dad will leave my mom. My mom is working full-time and goes to school at night. Her salary is very low and it's actually my dad who supports the family. I don't want my mom and my little sister to suffer if my dad leaves. Eventually, he will find all his "files" deleted and he will know it's me. I'm the only one besides him in this house who know anything when it comes to computer. I know that there are many people out there facing far worse situations, but I really need help. I'm really confused.

I'm going through a similar problem too, except I didn't really catch my dad in the act. It was just about a week ago when I just found outmy dad doesn't know I know. I can totally understand you. My family doesn't talk about sex either and I also get uncomfortable when watching love scenes on a movie. Point is, I think you should give it some time so your mind can clear up. Don't confront him about it just yet because I was about to but I didn't. And after waiting for one week, I'm happy that I didn't confront him. The difference is, your dad knows that you know. Still, I suggest giving it some time, because waiting has really helped me.

Also, I haven't been talking to my dad lately and I'm still disappointed in him. I'll be honest. Every time I see him, I can't help but avoid him. I suddenly felt like I didn't know what my father was like anymore. But don't let it kill your relationship like it's killing mine, cause I'm certainly not happy with what's going on with my relationship to my dad right now. It's just something that I can't help. I wish I wasn't angry at my dad, but I just am. Some people may find that fathers looking at porn normal but my father was viewing teen porn. I myself am a teenage girl so it was pretty disturbing. If I had caught him masturbating, I really don't know what I would think.

Thanks, it's good to hear something from somebody who's been through a similar situation to mine. I guess I should delete them. Sure, it sounds childish, but I know I'm not going to talk to my mom about it and I'm certainly not going to confront him about it.

I'm sorry, but then is it normal for a father to look at teen porn when he has a teenage daughter? If you were in my shoes, wouldn't this have bothered you? Not to mention, I'm only fourteen right now. This is a bit much to discover.

Thank you very much for all your concerns. Even though I wish I never found out about this, I'll try my best not to let it eat me up. Of course, I'm still not sure what to do, but before, I was very confused, and now, my mind seems to be clearing up a bit. Everybody's thoughts really helped me on this. At first, I was reluctant of posting this up because I was afraid (I'm not sure of what), but now, I'm glad I did. Thanks a lot to everyone.

Do you share that PC or are you usually not supposed to be in his office?

I'm not suppose to go on his computer or be in his office, I have my own computer. I'm also the oldest of two. I have a younger sister, so I have no older siblings to help me with this either. The rest of my family live over seas. My mom is a pretty sensitive person. I'm positive that telling her this will only end up hurting her.

I don't know, I think this wouldn't bother me so much except that the sites he looks at are apparently "exploited teen" sites and since I myself am a teenage girl, that disturbs me. A lot.

I guess, I'm just worried about what other things he might be hiding from us. I'm starting to wonder exactly what type of person he is. Reason why I don't to bring my friends over is because, well, I'll be honest, I'm just worried about what my dad thinks, if you know what I mean. I'm not so close with my mom either so I find it hard to bring up such a topic with her. Right now, I just feel like going over to his office and deleting all those sites from my dad's computer right here and now.

I don't really have anybody to turn to. I have no role models, and I'm not really close with my family. I guess I sound like an immature person here but I'm really concerned.

Well that changes my position on it. How old are you? I would be pretty uncomfortable knowing a father is looking at teen porn and has a teenage daughter or son. Your profile does not indicate whether you are male or female. You have to handle this the best way you can but if you confront him directly he probably won't change his behavior, IMO your mom needs to know. It's a touchy situation and if you are 100% sure he is looking at it and has a special file for it, I see other issues in your parents relationship. I think keeping this from your mom may do more damage than good.

 

RC

I'm only 14, going on 15 soon in about two months. Plus I'm a girl. And yes this has made me feel uncomfortable around him. I'm now reluctant to bring friends over.

Hi Kanbi,

 

Just put it from your mind. It could be that he looks at porn, it could be that your parents look at porn together, it could be that someone was using his computer and looking at porn.

 

Your parents are together, that's good. Everyone is entitled to a private life, and if you're not their partner, then it's really no one else's business. Must have been a bit of a shock for you though! But honestly, just tell yourself that it was an accident and nothing to do with your dad, and do your level best to forget about it.

 

Take care!

I know for a fact that my would never look at porn. And, even though they're married, they have major arguments and always fight. They're always talking about each other behind their back and I can't even remember the last time they smiled at each other or even hugged each other. I think they're still together for their children's sake. . . . . . so, not to change the topic, but I think that should give you guys an idea of my parents relationship to each other.

By the way, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

Normal is hard to define. I'm a father and have no interest in looking at porn on the web but that's just me. Depending upon what type of porn he is looking at would help to determine my level of horror. I guess if it was typical Playboy Magazine type pictures it would be different from hardcore, teen or interactive sites.

 

I think you need to discuss this with your mother because it is going to eat you up inside if you don't. Her reaction could start world-war three around your house but your father needs to be aware that you know, so he can either stop or be more careful.

The sites are definitely hardcore and teen sites. I really don't want to tell my mom though. I just don't want to cause another argument between them because arguments never help even when one of them knows the other one is right. I would really love for him to stop, because this isn't like the father I knew my whole life, yet everytime I'm picturing myself confronting him about it or doing something, I always get the worst scenarios.

I was completely horrified when my dad, who's still married to my mom, looked at sex sites. I didn't really caught him in the act. I just found those sites in one of his folders, and I'm positive that they're not the pop-ups you get. I'm really confused now, and I feel not only disappointed but betrayed. I always had respect for my father, but now I don't even know what to think of him. A question to all the men, is this thing normal, even with fathers?

As I said earlier, parents shouldn't eves drop unless they have a reason to, such as the kid is not being forthright or the friend is a cause for concern. If you know your parents are listening and you clam up....guess what, its going to make your parent feel like you are hiding something.

I can understand that. But the thing is I'm a 4.0 honor student in high school. I have perfectly good friends who are always nice and respectful to my parents, I always do my chores and my schoolwork, yet sometimes, my mom even suspect me of doing drugs. The last time I got in the most major trouble was back in grade school when I got suspended for cursing. I try really hard in school and I'm in five different clubs plus other curricular activities. Isn't that enough for them to gain enough trust in me? Maybe it's because I have a bad relationship with my parents and sister, but what would that mean that I'm hiding something from them? When something goes on, I always talk to them about it, even if we don't have such a good relationship.

My mother does that a lot when I get a call from a friend which is really stupid because I can always tell when somebody else is on the other end. I just lose all trust and feel like I don't have any privacy. Is this a wrong thing of my mother to do or is this the typical action of the mother of a teenager?