sd98223

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How do you figure your drinking tendencies and her new interest in weed and your communication issues work with being able to have and raise a child? Is she suddenly going to transform back from party girl smoking weed and playing video games weekly to being home to switch off night feedings ?

Surely if saving for IVF is a challenge I can’t imagine you’ll hire a live in night nurse and nanny to raise your child so you two can continue drinking weekly and smoking weed and for her living it up this often with her new friends ?

Why does she want a baby ASAP given her newfound social interests ? I remember having a quiet evening on NYE 2008/09 - I’d certainly celebrated it with my SO/husband in a quiet way but that night I was 56 days from being in labor, so so tired and I bagged on meeting up with local friends to ring in the new year. But told my husband to go and leave me and my baby bump to waddle around comfortable at home.

Life didn’t end when we became parents for sure- I felt like I’d won the lottery -  but my nightly activities the first 10 weeks (he slept through the night very early on !!) involved me doing the midnight feeding, perhaps indulging in some Diet Coke and chips ahoy cookies, and napping for a few hours. It was bliss. Would that be blissful for your partner ???

Thank you for your reply. 

Saving for IVF is new. Previously we saved for emergencies and holidays etc.

Completely agree with your comments on the drinking etc and children. The exact reason if she pushes the issue on wanting them sooner it's a no from me. We're not in a place for it and theres a lot to prepare for. If the issue is pushed it's a flat out no. I'm not bringing a child into our current situation. We've been happy for years and this is the first real rift we've experienced. Bringing a child onto that is not an option I will consider. And if that's a deal breaker for her then so be it. Shes trying to speed the timeframe up by several years and that's not happening. 

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

My honest opinion is that I can actually see both sides of the story here. I saw you put tags "GLBTIQ" and "lesbian" so you are both women, right? Just trying to get a better picture of the situation. 

You said that previously your wife didn't really have any friends and would only catch up with your friends and family. As you actually pointed out yourself, having friends isn't wrong. I'm getting the sense that *one* part of the problem is that you're actually not used to to your wife having her own friends. I don't think just her having friends should make you uncomfortable. I know that you don't know them and I guess that's because previously she hung out only with YOUR friends and family. 

I see your point that if these people are her good friends, she should introduce you to them. She should probably also invite you out with them at least sometimes because you're her wife. I think in a relationship balance is important. So as you said, she can do things with her friends but she needs to spend time with you too. And she's allowed to see her friends but sometimes they need to include you as well. Especially because you always included her with your friends and family.

You mentioned that she never used to go out and the first time she had a night out was with you. Even though your wife is 29 but sometimes people who missed out on partying and having fun when they were younger, start doing it later in life. 

Regarding the weed thing.  Everyone has different opinions on it so I guess that's between you how you and her feel. Maybe she didn't think smoking weed was a big deal because she knows you're not anti drug in general. You said you used to smoke it back in the day and your wife smoked it a few years ago.

Me personally I don't mind if my partner goes out with friends and I always did the same. I really value my friendships. I've been able to have some friends for like 22 years because I still put a lot of effort into my friends when I was in relationships. But I agree with you that your partner shouldn't ONLY spend time with friends and not with you. And that you should get introduced to the friends and join them sometimes.

I'm not sure if your wife is just acting like this because she never really had friends or went out and now she's "gone overboard". I think it's good you talked to her about how you feel. 

This is just my personal opinion but if these friends are purely platonic, e.g. straight female friend, then I don't see any harm her being friends with them. I actually did stay the night at my best friend's place for example for a sleepover and especially if we went out late to a comedy show or something. I smoke weed very occasionally and I don't mind if my partner smoked it. But again there needs to be a balance. Like, if your wife goes out and stays the night with the friend, then comes home later the next day. Meanwhile you're just sitting home alone. 

I don't necessarily think that just because someone who is 29 - 30 years old goes out for drinks that they're immature and acting like a teenager. I guess if they're doing it constantly then maybe. I think if someone only does it sometimes to let their hair down sort of thing, it's fine. Also you don't have kids so maybe she's not feeling like she has big responsibilities that she's neglecting. But you're right that she shouldn't be neglecting your relationship.

 

Hi and thank you for your response! Yes we are a lesbian couple however; im gay and she is Bisexual. One of her friends is a straight women from what I know and the other 2 are straight Male. I dont really have rules on sexuality and friends. I think you can be friends with anybody. E.G if I have lesbian friends it means nothing. I dont have lesbian friends simply because... well i don't my friends are straight. What I will say though when I did used to be friends with lesbians (grew apart with life) there is no way she would have been comfortable me ever staying with them alone at there home. Also when I used to go out more frequently shed message me quite a bit throughout the night which i never minded. I'm told I bombard her after sending a couple of messages that get ignored when shes out so now I dont message her at all while shes out. It seems like double standards to me. 

I definitely agree that at the beginning her suddenly going out with friends and staying out was odd to me. It took me a while to adjust to the idea and I think part of that is because it was new. The other reason was because I personally dont ever stay out at friends or families homes. I like my own bed. I like waking up in my own house (except for holidays etc of course) so maybe i did assume the same of her.  The only issue i have with that now is that shes opting to prioritise friends over us. I'm not innocent either. Iv given up trying to make plans for us. We live in a great part of the world (the lake district in the UK) and we have 2 dogs. Iv suggested going with the dogs into the fells, to the lakes with food etc instead of the standard meals out. She agrees that it's a good idea but then never has the energy to want to go. 

I dont have an issue with smoking weed. What I find odd is that 4 years if zero interest and then suddenly "I'm going to this guys house youv never met to get stoned and play video games. I'll have to stay out because I cant drive". Had she said drinks it wouldnt have been so odd to me but shes shown zero interest in weed for years. I am open to the idea that it's very much a me problem and something i just have to deal with. Especially since over the last few weeks I have been quite low and not confident in myself or the relationship. 

With regards to kids we have none and that's something else that cropped up. The plan was we save and in a few years we go through IVF. Now shes changed her mind on that. That's ti far away. She wants children sooner rather than later. My view on it is simple. We need money to pay for the treatment. We agreed to a plan and now youv changed your mind and I'm expected to just go with it? And most importantly how does she expect me to even consider the idea of having a child with her right now when the breakdown in our communication over the last few months has reached a head and we are no where near stable enough for me to consider it?? It feels to me that at this point she cares more about having a child and doesnt necessarily care if it's with me. Shes never said that but that's how I'm thinking at the moment. We havent spoken in person since Wednesday night. We messaged a little yesterday while we were at work and then she went to the beach to think. We havent contacted eachother at all today and right now I dont want to. 

I am not innocent in this. I have a massive issue with communicating feelings etc with anybody including her and that's only gotten worse in the last couple of years so maybe if I'd spoken more sooner it wouldnt have come to this. But then her reaction to me even trying to set some boundaries aka - rather than stay out everytime you go out with friends sometimes could we pay for you a taxi home. Especially when the day after falls when we both have a day off when we can spend the day together.. well that went down like a lead balloon. Me feeling uncomfortable over the weed night and me suggesting that maybe once every few weeks get a taxi instead of stay out has ended up with me being called controlling with no respect for her or her feelings. Right now I'm pretty angry with it all which is why im glad she hasnt contacted and I have no intention of speaking to her right now. The way I see it you want me to open up. To talk. And when i do i get dumped on for it. 

Right now were on the rocks and I'm struggling to see a way out. There doesn't seem to be any compromise and if kids in the near future is a must for her then that's not something I'm willing to do. Not when we are like this. 

Thanks again. 

Well the latest update is shes going to stop going out completely and will go back to how it was before sitting at home all the time... not what I asked for at all. I asked for when she goes out we pay the extra every so often and she gets a taxi home (the taxis are very pricey and we follow a very strict no alcohol and driving rule). Iv told her the plan to go get stoned with a some stranger to me makes me uncomfortable because a) i dont know them and b) it's completely put of character for her. She can do with that information what she will. Iv also asked that she start putting some of the effort she has into doing things with me. I shouldn't be an afterthought.

Well she translated all of that into I just wont go anywhere anymore and I'm being controllong. Iv told her to stop guilt tripping because that's not what I said or want but its clear to me shes happier with her friends than with me. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she is sort of making up for lost time maybe and going overboard? Also I'd be concerned about all the drug/alcohol use - and the focus on them- these outings seem to involve - do they ever meet for a hike, to go running, to go to an art gallery, a museum, the theater? Does she ever consider - I'll go but I won't drink and so I won't have to sleep over.  

How old are these friends? I don't think married people have to do only non-drinking activities of course but I find the focus here concerning.  Did she party a lot as a  teen/her 20s? Also are you invited? 

Hi, 

It's a hard one. She had never been on a night out prior to meeting me. I took her on her first night out. Her going out drinking is not concerning to me. She drinks alcohol no more than once a week. I am the heavier drinker of the 2 of us. Her friends are similar age group ranging between 26 and 32 I believe. 

I do not get invited. It started early days she wanted friends just for her as she felt everyone viewed us as the same person and not as individuals. That was fine. Now I still haven't met them and at this point iv lost interest in wanting to. 

Thanks

Hi all, 

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable here. Apologies this is long and may not make sense! I am 30 she is 29.  

My partner of 8 years (married for 1) are in the middle of a bit of an argument. It's been building up with me for weeks (possibly longer but the last few weeks have just got to me). 

Back story: she met a new colleague at her job about 1 year ago. They become quick friends (friend A) and through this friend she met a couple of other friends (friends B and C). Great. The majority of our relationship up until that her social life was with me and my family/friends and occasionally a childhood friend when they were both free so new friends could only be a good thing. About a month after this she was invited on a night out with them. This involved her staying at Friend A's house as she would be drinking and a taxi home would be extortionate. I wont lie and say I didnt find it a bit odd but that's mainly because it was new but that was a me problem that I got over  these occurrences range between fortnightly and monthly and cuppa etc through the week and after work. She will sometimes ask my permission... I'm not her keeper and I say as much. You dont need permission to live your life. Shes very stressed lately with work. So let's say the last few weeks however was quite frequent before.. 70% of her energy has been in work. The remaining 30%... friends. Shes to exhausted to watch a simple film with me because its "to hard to focus" but it's not to exhausting to meet up with friends drinking etc. But again I let it lie. It's not for me to tell her what to do. I gave up making suggestions. Another example being her mentioning that her friend had messaged wanting to go to a beer garden and how it made her really fancy a pint. I said.. well we can get sorted and go to a beer garden if you want? She swiftly lost interest. 

Last weekend she came home the morning after a night out and mentioned shed had a smoke (weed) with friend A and B after the night out. Ok. She smoked it in the past so have I. I havent touched it in easily 7 years now (it triggered panic attacks) and she stopped maybe 4 years ago.. just outgrew it I guess. Neither of us have a negative opinion of it we just personally dont. Anyways she said about having one with them and I just laughed and asked how it was etc and that was that. She then mentioned that Friend B invited her round one night to to play computer games and smoke. I ignored it and pretended I didnt hear. She brought it up again last night at a family bbq and I said Ok go for it. she then mentioned about going to Friend As one day over the weekend as shes just returned from holiday. Then she asked if I wanted t go on a date night with her. I said yes. Friday or Saturday. Her response "I have to see when Friend B wants us to do the game and smoke night before we decide which day". We went home shortly after and she kept asking what was wrong. I explained very clearly, the plan with Friend B to have a smoke and games at his flat makes me uncomfortable. I'm not going to tell you you cant because that is not my decision but it makes me uncomfortable. If it was for drinks I'd understand a little more but weed which shes had zero interest in, in 4 years with friends who iv never met or had a conversation with? That was just to weird for me. 

Anyways what come of it. I told her how that situation made me uncomfortable but it was her choice. I told her that I was sick of not being worth any energy to spend time with. I was sick of hearing the same 3 names over and over again. She responded that I was completely disinterested when she brought up date night to which I responded because I was an afterthought. Because your friends got first dibs on your time and I get what's left. Iv explained that right now I feel really insecure in myself and our relationship. This is not a feeling iv ever had about myself. She thinks I want her to stop going out with her friends.. if explained that's not it. 

P.S cheating is not a concern of mine. Of all my thoughts this hasnt crossed my mind. 

Thank you