Kenny818

Whatever floats your boat.

I am an average-looking guy and I have dated below average women, average women, and women some people considered out of my league.  Sometimes there's just chemistry outside of physical appearance and that's fine.

I recently started dating again.  A buddy of mine is a photographer.  He introduced me to a model who he knows through a friend of a friend.  She was an easy 8/10 for me.  But I just didn't find her interesting.  Looks are important to me, but also personality and education.  Honestly, if you bring only looks to the table at this stage of life, it might not work out.  So I had two dates with her and called it quits. 

My last long-term relationship was with someone slightly above average, kind of cute but not "hot".  Maybe 6/10 but she was at least easy to talk to and spend time with.

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Did you actually write this in some sort of official document/report? 

 

No. I only mentioned the sexual harassment issue and the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight in official reports. I was told to more or less "let it go" since losing his job might mean he would get deported. This isn't exactly true since as a white collar employee he could apply for an extension.

I did say verbally (and never in writing) something to the effect that I couldn't justify keeping someone on, simply because they need a visa to stay in the country.  They basically thought that it was insensitive of me to ask for him to be replaced because of that. 

3 hours ago, greendots said:

This. Do you really want to work for a company that has a very politically charged working culture?

 

I think the thing that pissed me off is they could have just told me they weren't going to proceed with renegotiating a contract. Instead they're using the PIP so that I'll technically leave in worse standing than if they had just decided not to rehire. 

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Sounds like a very politically charged work environment. Also the fact he was given cover for a sexual harassment incident, really makes me think you are being targeted by the higher ups who want to purge honest feed back.

Tread cautiously.

Guy who I described above, got married to someone in HR several months ago.  His wife went to the same college as the HR director, though they graduated in different years.  My boss happens to be from the same country as this guy.  Though I am also from that country as well, I am a dual citizen here, having immigrated 12 years ago and obtained citizenship in 2020.  I have done my best to assimilate and have learned the language, while many immigrants/expats from that part of the world do not.  Because of that, I somehow am perceived to have more "privilege," while these guys are thought to have it tougher than I do.  So, some people are quick to consider any moves against them to be overly harsh or discriminatory.

I can say that in the last year, things have become weird.  For example, our company operates in both the official language of our country and English.  If you're an "external hire" (meaning a non-citizen) you can officially get a professional training credit to learn the language, but if you're a citizen, you have to come in already knowing English.  In practice, it meant that people who were non-citizens would simply get hired one paygrade up from normal with very little actual oversight on them learning the language (for instance, weren't required to show receipts or transcripts of enrolling in a training program).

On 4/22/2023 at 8:12 PM, Batya33 said:

OK. Is there anything in their criticisms you would find helpful to work on in this job or a future one?

As the PIP is written, they're not very helpful as they can mean just about anything, and the goalposts could be moved.

The closest thing to a legitimate criticism, in my opinion, is I came across as being "insensitive" towards an employee who is an expat.  This all started about 2 years ago.  He tried to make it seem like I was giving him a hard time because he's a foreign immigrant, but that was far from the case, and he just wasn't making the cut.  Unfortunately, my boss did tell me to cut him some slack as he's new in this country and just getting adjusted to being in an unfamiliar environment.  So for six months, I kind of let him get away with a lot that other people (including other expats) did not get away with.

After six months, he still wasn't doing very well.  Some people had lost patience with him too, particularly after a certain sexual harassment incident.  Other people just felt he was quirky and that this incident was a product of cultural misunderstandings.  So I was told to just give him an official written warning (which would expire at the end of his 1-year contract).  Come the end of the year, I didn't want to re-hire him (and submitted the recommendation to my boss as to why), but my boss didn't agree and also mentioned that we should re-hire him so that he can continue to have a visa and rights of abode here.

That's when I said that nobody really has a "right" to a job if they can't do the bare minimum the job requires.  Now the fallout for that might unfortunately be that they lose their visa, but once they are out the door it's the government's problem.  That was considered incredibly insensitive.  Admittedly, I probably should have worded it better.

Long story short, he did get hired for this year and that's when he basically went from simply being incompetent to also being antagonistic.

12 hours ago, Coily said:

Unless you are in the HR dept, why do they have to approve of your communication and not your immediate supervisor?

One of the guys who works for me has pretty much said he doesn't like being managed by me and that he wants my position. His wife works in the HR department and is close to the HR director. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

A performance improvement plan (PIP) is a document that aims to help employees who are not meeting job performance goals. Does it concern you that they want these improvements or are all contractors/employees subject to this process?

 

They have been used in the past in place of the usual "two weeks notice".

We had a few new people come along in the paygrade above me and they have been using it to get rid of people and bring on their own people.

Finishing up my second year where I work.  Typically, we start re-negotiating contracts in May, they'll let you know their decision by the middle of the month, and you have to commit by the end of the month.  But they implemented a new rule that prohibits negotiating a new contract if you are on probation or on a PIP.  PIPs are usually 90 days, but mine only goes till June 1, when my contract ends.

Well, what's on my PIP you ask?  A lot of it is stuff like "Must demonstrate a good fit for the community culture" and "show effective communication skills to the satisfaction of the Head of HR".  Some other stuff about how I have to help an insubordinate employee improve his performance.

It's probably time to consider greener pastures.

To sum up my last few years, between being in the military for mandatory service, having a job in a remote town, COVID, and a few medical issues, dating has been put on a back burner. More so for a serious relationship.

But I decided I'm not getting younger and want to get back out there.  My situation isn't ideal at the moment - been on thin ice at work the last several weeks due to office politics and might be officially unemployed very soon.  Nonetheless, I decided I actually need to start looking so I'm going to shoot my shot.

I'm back in my hometown (actually the capital city of my country), but I don't have a huge circle.  Recently I've had a few matches from apps, but either got ghosted after a while, or the few that did convert to dates were kind of duds.

Don't really drink or go to clubs, as I'm past the age for that and I don't care to stand up all night in a loud, noisy place.

In the past, I was also kind of self-conscious about who I would date.  For instance, at one point I felt uncomfortable dating women who made more than I did since I was raised to think that a man should be the provider in the relationship (sorry if that sounds sexist).  On the other hand, I didn't like to meet people I found boring and that usually entailed a minimum education level (a university degree).

I guess I would like to meet people in person, but not really sure where to go for that.

On 4/2/2023 at 8:06 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think its a demotion when your duties and salary stay the same and you even managed to get a new job title. You might argue that its not a promotion, and that your colleagues that joined 6 months before excelled and not you, but its not a demotion. Lots of promotions sadly dont end up on performance but on who can "kiss as" farther.

I would have to agree with this.  On the other hand you can have promotions in name only, where you're doing more work but for the same salary!  

If I were OP, I wouldn't sweat it too much.

On 4/19/2023 at 7:11 PM, Batya33 said:

I understand this.  Back then one of your priorities was to be with someone who could do things that someone without that mobility couldn't, and another was to feel accepted by your friends and family (which some might say should not be a priority but we're human).  Her priority likely was to be with someone who accepted her as she was. 

Yeah, when I look at it that way, I guess it doesn't seem bad.  I mean she was actually pretty slim and fit, and able to do most things, and even do a lot of outdoor stuff.  She just had to do them in a different way that sometimes required more planning.

At one point she asked me of the wheelchair was a dealbreaker going forward and I told her "no," but in my mind at the time, it was "No, but..."  

Still, I couldn't help but feel a bit bad when we slowly drifted apart.

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree @Kenny818  Sometimes when you dissect and over analyze despite being already happy, it's as if you're trying to create problems which would otherwise not exist.  Just enjoy the ride.  Treat problems as they arise,  not the other way around. 

Here's one example from my life:

Years back, I had a job at a hospital and I met a nice girl at the hospital foodcourt/canteen.  Anyways, we kind of clicked and I texted her a few days later for a date.  Now the thing was that she used a wheelchair to get around (she couldn't move her legs but was otherwise normal).  I now wondered about a lot of things, like if friends and family would think I was strange for dating someone in a wheelchair, if there would be things we couldn't do together, etc.

I actually did enjoy spending time with her when we were together, but when we weren't I was overanalyzing it.  Not to beat a dead horse, but I think after a while she did somewhat pick up on the vibe and decided it wasn't going to work out.

Now maybe down the road it would have turned out that we didn't have similar interests or something, but had I not been worried about what people thought of me, at least I wouldn't have appeared to be a jerk.

On 4/17/2023 at 2:27 AM, Cherylyn said:

As long as you are happy with him,  nothing else matters.  Don't over analyze.  Accept your happiness with him and if all is well,  all is well.  🙂

This is good advice.  I myself have a problem with over analyzing everything, including relationships which can lead to what appears to be indecisiveness.

But sometimes the risk has to be taken and you can regret not taking it later.