Jennifer Pearson

18 hours ago, anchiixz said:

I met my boyfriend online around two years ago, and we have been in a LDR for about a year and six months now. 

Most of the time, our relationship is great, mature, and loyal - however, there are periods when it gets REALLY really hard. 

 

My boyfriend suffers from depression, and has had periods when he completely isolates himself and shuts me off. In November, he began having a really hard time - he would go for barely talking to me for a month, to basically texting me once a week till January. 

Having BPD, my own mental illness couldn’t physically let me go through this constant ghosting and pushing away - so, I broke up with him and we agreed to try again when he heals.

 

A month later, he texted me again, saying he’s been trying his best to work on his mental health. Me, being the anxious-attached partner, immediately took this as a sign that he wanted to get back together. 

Although he told me he’s still not 100% okay, I insisted on trying again and getting back together and that I will stay with him through anything and everything. This was very obviously something I shouldn’t have done - I should’ve let him heal before doing anything again, especially because I underestimated how bad his mental health can get.

 

Since then, (February 8th) we’ve had our ups and downs. He started going to therapy every day (for a bit more than two weeks now) and is on meds for his depression and ADHD. 

However, he seems so distant and cold - when I compare our old texts to now, I can see how much more ‘emotions’ he had before, how much he told me he loved me and missed me, and just any intimate texts in general. He used to help me when I was feeling down, and was always by my side. I get them rarely now - almost never, and I genuinely don’t know if it’s because of his depression or just because he doesn’t love me as much anymore. He isn’t as excited when I send him pictures of me, and even the explicit ones (he said his libido has been low ever since he got on meds). However, we still talk about the plans for our future and I can see that he sees me in his. There are times when he genuinely is excited to talk to me, call, and just spend time together in general.

 

We also had a fight two days ago. He just came back from his appointment and told me ‘he was exhausted’. After that, I tried texting him and he wouldn’t answer for the whole day.

I got upset, and told him that I’m tired of begging him to just stop ignoring me (he has a habit of doing that). He blamed me saying he needs space and that I should’ve figured that out when he said he was exhausted. (keep in mind, I’ve learned to give him space when he needs it. I literally just asked him to tell me when he needs space, and to not ghost me).

We haven’t talked since then, and I honestly don’t plan to check my messages for a few days at all. Maybe we need some time apart.

 

I need advice on how to cope with this. If someone has ever dealt with depression and taking meds, or someone who has, I’d love some advice on how to cope with that as well. 

I constantly offer him support, but he prefers to isolate and deal with it himself.  I always say I’ll be here if he needs me.

 

Does he not love me anymore, or is it his mental health that’s building a barrier between us?

 

 

I DON’T plan on breaking up with him, so please don’t tell me to leave him because I won’t. 

I was thinking about going off for a week or two and refrain from talking to him even if he texts me. 

 

I’m just scared things will stay like this, and that our relationship will never be like it used to be. 

If I had to guess, I'd say that things between you and your boyfriend are rocky right now. Clearly, you want to be there for him as he deals with his mental health issues, and this shows how much you care.

A person's mood and behavior can be affected by depression and the medications they take. Your boyfriend's emotional distance and coldness may not be indicative of how he feels about you but rather of the difficulties he is having managing his mental health. You should tell him how you feel and find out how he is doing emotionally. Make it clear that you care about him, but that you must establish limits to protect your own well-being.

Separation can give you both a chance to think things over and tend to your own emotional wellbeing. Be sure to discuss your hopes and fears for the future openly and honestly before you part ways.

In addition to supporting him in maintaining his current medication and therapy regimen, you may want to consider doing the same to help you manage the stresses of your long-distance relationship with someone who suffers from mental health issues.

Supporting your partner is important, but so is taking care of your own mental health. It's healthy to put yourself first in a relationship and establish healthy boundaries.

It sounds like your friend is having trouble understanding boundaries and is being overly clingy. You should be clear and polite when expressing your needs and setting limits, but you should also be firm about them. It's okay to prioritize your spouse or other relationships over your friend's desire to spend time together.  To get some space from your friend, try being open with them about how you're feeling. It's crucial to keep your independence and not feel bad about it.

From what you've described, it sounds like you're in a sticky situation, and it's natural to feel stressed out. Don't forget about your own needs for a change. It's encouraging that your boyfriend recognizes the value of therapy, but you might benefit from having someone to talk to as well. You can tell him how worried you are and urge him to keep going to therapy. Let him know you're there for him, but don't be afraid to put up some limits if necessary.