Becky1108

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When did you break up? Has he moved out? Even though it hurts to end things, it's better than living in a parallel universe in two different worlds.

You would like a sort of family life and romance and he is just along for the ride but has no interest in what you want.

You were driving the relationship alone hoping he would become what you hoped for. Hopefully once you're free of him taking up space in your life, you can focus on the life you want and finding men who enthusiastically participate in a relationship.

He said he was done last night. He packed a bag and went to his parents for the night. However today he is saying that he loves me and doesn’t want to break up. Part of me thinks it’s just because he knows how convenient it is for him to be with me and I know he doesn’t want to go back to living at home with his parents. 

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry you're hurting, but he doesn't seem to be the right one for you. There are men who don't tell horrific lies and who have no problem expressing their love. When you're ready you could meet someone who's exactly right for you. 

I know there are men like that out there and I know at this stage I’m bound to feel like this but I really don’t want any other man to do that for me, I want it to be him and more importantly, I want him to WANT to do those things for me. He says he loves me enough, so if that’s the case why would you not want to show the woman who loves you so dearly and whom you also love and the one who does everything for you some appreciation at least 

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like as soon as you moved in together he just started coasting along on autopilot. Discontinue overinvesting in him. That may help level the field.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, the same man. I do agree, I think that since we moved in together, I’ve essentially took on the role of ‘wife’ and he’s just gotten too comfortable with that

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Can you list his good qualities, the things you love about him RIGHT NOW? Not things he used to do a year ago, but what you currently love about him. 

Given all the other issues, are you staying with him because you truly love and cherish him or because you don't want to be single and have to start over with someone new? 

He is a kind honest person deep down and I know that he does love me a lot, he just has issues and I’ve always been willing to work through them with him, the issue here now is that he doesn’t obviously do the little things to show it. He has made some big changes, he used to be a horrific liar and he has stopped that since I threatened to leave him a year ago if he didn’t stop. I know he has the ability to be caring, but he just cares about other things in his life a bit too much more right now. Unfortunately he thinks that me trying to express my feelings is immature and has decided to end things.

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

yes. because you're wasting your time waiting on anyone to change. 

 

that's your belief. I think partners do nice things for each other everyday. But even with your belief being the norm for sake of argument, this guy does nothing. ever. 

Do you fear being single? Why don't you leave? Take the dog and leave. 

I don’t leave because I truly do love him a lot and can’t imagine being without him. We had a big fight because of me expressing my emotions and he’s said he is done because ‘I am immature’ for telling him how I feel, so I guess it really is over now 

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me it's not about honeymoon phase.  My husband and son just brought me my favorite chocolate from the city they visited as an "early mother's day present." I've known my husband over 20 years, we lived together very briefly before marriage, together this time around since 2005, married almost 15 years.  I don't need the one nice thing a month thing.  He walked my son to school this morning instead of sleeping in because he knows 

Why do you need "one nice thing a month?" Because there's been such an absence of nice things? Did you use I statements like "I feel uncared for by you when you don't acknowledge Valentines Day."

Are you planning to marry him? Are your goals aligned? Why do you live together- what was the purpose of sharing physical space? 

He's telling you take it or leave it- that he cares for you and isn't going to show it the way you would like him to.  I'd stop doing stuff for him if it you feel resentful -that has negative energy with it and it's not worth it.  

I'm sorry you're disappointed.  You are right it's not about $.  My parents had really hard times and my dad always got my mom cards, etc.

I guess you’re right. Even the little things like taking the dog out for a walk if I’m busy but he can’t even manage that. I guess my point was kind of hinting at that I know when you’ve been a couple for an extended period of time your partner isn’t going to be doing nice things for you every single day, and I guess he makes me feel bad for expecting anything nice at all? What hurts me a lot is I know how much he has done for other people, I know he will have kept photos on his phone when he was with them, I know he’s taken people away for weekends, I know that he’s even spent £5000 on a holiday he wasn’t that bothered about going on because it was his ex’s favourite place, they were only together for 2 years too, so it’s not like it was a relationship he was in for a ridiculously long amount of time, this just makes me feel that he valued other people more than me, which hurts me as I demonstrate enough that I am nothing but a good, loyal woman to him, I may have my moments as everyone does, I’m not perfect, but I do try. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, we live together (and have done for 1 and a half years) and we have a dog, so you could say we are pretty serious and definitely past the honeymoon period. Now I’ve noticed more and more that probably since we got past the 1 year mark my boyfriend just makes no effort to do anything nice for me or to make me feel special (and yes, before anyone asks, I make a LOT of effort for him, I always pick up his favourite snacks when I’m out grocery shopping, put fuel in his car, cook him his favourite meals, make sure he comes home to tidy house if I get home from work before him, ALWAYS make a big effort on his birthday with gifts, getting his favourite cake and planning a lovely dinner for us, I’ve taken him for a weekend away, I even replace his cologne if it runs out). Now my boyfriend doesn’t really do anything like that, and whilst I’m not materialistic it would be nice for him to kind of return the favour, he never surprises me or plans anything for us to do, I didn’t even get a card on Valentine’s Day (I wasn’t too fussed about not receiving a gift, but a card at least would have been nice, meanwhile the one I got him is still unopened). Last year I didn’t receive a single birthday, Christmas or anniversary gift or card (we were pretty broke at the time but I still made an effort to get him something small at least, so I’m sure he could have managed a 99p card), he doesn’t ever cook for me, he never buys me flowers because he said it’s pointless because they die, he doesn’t even have a single picture on his phone of me or us together (he used to, he just deleted them, no idea why). Now this has bothered me even more because I know full well that he used to be thoughtful for past girlfriends and when I asked if he kept pictures of them on his phone in the past he said ‘yeah but they always got deleted in the end’, that really upset me as we are not at the ‘end’, he just doesn’t want to keep them, it makes me feel like *** in all honesty, like he doesn’t value me anywhere near as much as he valued them. I know he is capable of being thoughtful and doing all those little things because he did for at least the first year, he would leave me little notes in my bag to find throughout the day, get up and make me breakfast if I had to work on a weekend, run me baths if I was sick, he even made a scrapbook for me. Now I know the honeymoon phase never lasts and it’s not going to be like that all the time, but he could still make an effort to do even one nice thing a month, or at least get me a god damn card for an event such as my birthday or Valentine’s Day. I’ve tried to speak to him about how I feel about this, and his reaction was just to get angry and say that he will never change so if it’s so important to me I should think about what I really want. This upset me even more because it feels as if he doesn’t care? Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to make an effort? 

On 2/26/2023 at 4:48 AM, SooSad33 said:

How long were you dating before you moved in together?  And how familiar were you with his 'habits'? Is he usually responsible with things like money?

Re: his work and leaving it due to it causing him anxiety, understandable.  One is best to leave a business where it's affecting them in a negative like that,... but, he had nothing to go to when he did this 😕 . Is usually best to quit a job when you know you've got another one lined up - or yeah, this will happen.

How is his mental health?  Is he truly 'able' to work okay?  You said he was let go of the new one...  Some people come to realize they can't do it. 😕 .  Things like one's anxiety can become overwhelming. Is this maybe why he uses weed?  Sadly, that can also cause some to become more anxious, etc,  depending on what kind you use.

And as for his 'threats'. there will be none of that!  Maybe he has a very low eq?  Some people lack empathy and have no idea what other's may be feeling.  BUT, either way, if my partner threatens me with that, yeah, I'd seriously consider actually doing so!  Is not like YOU had no stress thru all of this 😞 .  ( and sorry to hear of your loss ).

 

We had been together for a year before we moved in together and basically lived together during lock down. I’ve always known him to be good with money generally as his family always brought him up to be that way. He started to smoke weed about 6 months into our relationship, and at first wouldn’t smoke a lot. He did start smoking more a few months before we moved out but that was due to the pressure of living with his family as they had a strained relationship at the time. He did stop a month before we moved in together (this is around the time we signed the lease as we had to wait a month to move In). I thought his intention was to give up smoking, but he started again a few months after moving in, it started as one before bed to help him sleep but when he quit his job, it got worse. 
I wouldn’t say his mental health is bad, he has good days and bad days like any normal person. He’s absolutely fine to work and he is working now. The reason he quit a job was because his boss was too pressuring and he lost the other one due to his clients not performing. He finally has a job again and is back to working now but as we owe money, we are still in debt and when I express any emotions about how I feel about this, he brings up what he is doing now and doesn’t take responsibility for landing us in this mess in the first place, I express that he won’t face facts that he allowed this to happen to us and that’s what makes him react this way. 
He doesn’t seem to have much empathy, each time we have these conversations he says I’m negative and I should be grateful at what he is doing now and makes me out to be the bad guy, he even tells his friends I am difficult but doesn’t tell them why I may be acting the way I am as he doesn’t want them to know about his flaws. 

My partner and I have lived together since 2021. At the back end of 2021 my partner left his job as he hated his job and it made him feel really anxious, I was okay with it at the time as I thought it would be a few weeks before he looked for a new one, so I didn’t mind being a sole earner at that point, especially as we had paid 6 months upfront for the rent on our place so we just had bills to pay, which at the time were not too much, I could afford it for what it was (please bare in mind that in my previous job I didn’t earn too much, maybe like £1400 a month, and was a student at the time). Anyway, he went 5 months before getting a new job as he just got comfortable being at home all day, we had to start paying rent again a month before he got a new job, the reason he actually got that job was because we had to start paying rent again and the first month did make us pretty broke as he had also taken out a pretty big loan just before he had left his job 5 months before and the loan repayments were a few hundred every month. As our utility bills started going up it meant we had to spend more on these so most months we were just getting by as although we both earned about 3000 between us, it meant that we had to spend more on rent, bills, food, fuel for the car as these all increased in price, as well as paying for the loan repayments. My boyfriend also likes to smoke weed so he was paying for this too. I decided to make sacrifices to our expenses such as not going to meet up with friends as much if it was a plan that would cost money, not getting my nails/hair etc done because it meant we’d spend less (I know these are small things but these are the things I ENJOY doing, just bare that in mind for now), we also had to sacrifice going out for date nights, going away etc. All this time he still got to enjoy doing the thing he liked to do, smoking weed, which a lot of people will know is not a cheap habit. Throughout this time we also did have to borrow money from family as some months we would be short, I also had to take short term loans. 6 months after getting his new job, he was unfortunately let go, a week before his employment ended, we got a letter to say our rent would be increasing, as well as bills going up AGAIN. My boyfriend clearly didn’t think this was a matter of urgency as he decided he didn’t want to get another job and wanted to start a business (it was in a field where he wouldn’t really have to spend much, but it wasn’t the right time to not have that security). He didn’t exactly put the work in and it didn’t ever take off and earned him 0 money, but he still didn’t get a job and again got comfortable being at home, all while I was working every shift under the sun to earn more, whilst still sacrificing things, but he still got to sit and smoke weed, we would literally have to borrow money off his parents to pay the rent. He eventually found a job in January but didn’t start until the last week. It was really rough around Christmas as we managed to have a decent time but I was worried about money, I hated the situation we were in, so I did start to look for a higher paying job myself. We couldn’t really pay the bills in January so I had to speak with the companies and ask for a payment freeze which they did, I did also land myself a new job but unfortunately I lost a grandparent. You could say I was going through a rough time. I was juggling working my job to pay bills, grieving a loss, helping my family through it and trying to get a new job at the same time as well as looking after a house, boyfriend and pet. The whole time, if I ever got upset about the situation, my boyfriend would get angry, tell me I’m too dramatic and childish and that I’m causing him hassle and if i carry on I’ll be single. We both have started our new jobs but we owe so much money out. How can I get through to him that I’m not being difficult and I’m just expressing my feelings over his actions without him getting angry?