L143myself

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, no. That's about as close to an apology as, "...things were said...".

Skip that. Let him wonder if the note was read by you or whether it wasn't worthy of a response.

Head high, and keep moving forward, sister!

👏 No set backs for this gal! I won’t lie though, very unexpected and thought he would take a hint I did not want any contact hence not having any way to reach me! Haha 

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately many abusers become stalkers. Delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Disregard the note but save it as evidence if he bothers you again. The note is creepy and he's only thinking about what his body needs? 

Yeah, hopefully this is just a one off and doesn’t continue! There was a reason he’s blocked on everything and yet still can’t respect my boundaries. 

He must be really desperate if he is willing to come to my place and hand write a message for a booty call or whatever his objective is lol😆 good riddance haha

UPDATE:

So it’s been around 3 weeks!! Toughest week for me was the first and now I’m just getting back into my routines and living life. I remained no contact.

3 days ago I went out to my car and I got inside but noticed something on my windshield…it was a note addressed to me. I opened the note and sure enough it was from my ex…he said that he wanted to reach out to me but he couldn’t. Then he proceeded to say that this time apart has given him time to think, and that his body needs me around (I know it’s weird he always described feelings in terms of his body) and that he knows we ended on bad terms and that we made eachother upset. No accountability no real apology. He says he wants to meet up and have a conversation in person….which I’m not really sure why.

part of me really has nothing more to say. I’ve already made peace with it. What do you guys think and should I meet up and talk to him? I don’t really feel like it would be of any benefit considering I do not want to get back together. Thoughts??

I suppose he could’ve sent me an email. If he really wanted to as he wasn’t blocked on that. Part of me almost feels robbed that he broke the boundary of no contact that I put in place but removing him from my life, he over stepped it and came to the source …

On 2/27/2023 at 10:02 PM, catfeeder said:

Consider stepping away from this for a while. Answers can come to you more easily after you've focused away from it long enough. It's how you'll build the right perspective to revisit it later.

This doesn't mean that grieving is off limits. It's perfectly natural, but it's a process, not something you can 'solve' by spinning.

Each day consider allowing yourself the time you need for your emotions to move you and move through you. But instead of getting stuck inside a spin, think of something you'll want to reach for and move your focus toward that. Over time see how well you can motivate yourself to increase your focus 'toward' things.

So glad to hear that you've been starting to feel better. You can always reach for help from a counselor or therapist if you decide to work through your answers in an organized way, but first allow yourself to build your confidence as you have been. Even occasional setbacks cannot take that away from you.

Head high.

Thank you for your response! I’ve been doing okay for the most part. The thoughts still come back here and there as you mentioned but whenever they do I try to focus on other things! I even find myself wanting to talk about the breakup and all the hurtful things less and less as days go by. Some days I do have the set backs but as you said trying to maintain the focus forward , and owning my truth in the now. I know who I am and the type of person I am and I was letting another person tell me what my character was. Why I placed so much value into his opinion?? No idea. But I have blocked/deleted from all social media. Still going strong and have no intention on reaching out. I’ve been staying at one of my best friends place for the past week and that’s seemed to help with my recovery as well. She’s been super supportive and very kind during the difficult time for me. 
 

There are times when I re hash things and get stuck in the spin but I quickly realize this and try to not think about it as it doesn’t change anything and has no value on myself as person. Also reading back my responses has helped as well. Daily check ins and being present in the moment has really helped too! Keeping this head of mine high, thank you🙏

On 2/27/2023 at 7:43 PM, Jaunty said:

He actually comes of as a very mean mean man, from your recounting of things he's said to you.  Definitely require much more than this guy EVER gave you in your future relationships.  It might require some help to get there.  Take care.

Yeah…unfortunately those flags came early and I still ignored it, probably so swept away by the “amazing connection” we had and overlooked them. Definitely a lesson learnt for sure. And something to be mindful of in my next relationship. For now it’s self healing and exploring myself as I’m not sure why I didn’t listen to the red flags I saw. I need to do some discovery and have an appointment with a counsellor on Friday. I want to come out of this stronger 💪and increase my self worth that I deserve better than what I subjected myself to. I let it happen and I take full responsibility for that. Doesn’t make it easier unfortunately. But this forum has also helped me to see the bigger picture as well and for that I am thankful. 🙏

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you dodged a bullet based on many things including keeping you in the background, abusive talk and behaviors as well as manipulation.

It doesn't matter if he was cheating or not, so don't complicate things through conjecture. Don't use that to explain or justify his behavior.

There were enough red flags in themselves to be glad he's gone.

Rather than speculate about other women, focus on yourself and your wellbeing .

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Cheers and thank you for for the advice and insight! It’s been around 4-5 days and I can feel myself getting better as the days go on.

my mind still wanders sometimes and tries to overthink it but it has improved and I’m hoping to continue to think about it less.

Lots to learn from this and about myself too. I have lots of questions I need to figure out about why I tolerated the behaviour and overlooked it. 

Your advice and time is very much appreciated!
 

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Good grief, girl, why on earth did you tolerate such nastiness and disrespect? I would have dumped him then and there. 

Sure he did. You were a secret in his personal life. That is exactly the type to cheat. You were willfully ingorning some serious red flags. 

But he treated you poorly even apart from the secrecy. You need to raise you standards and ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be walked on like this. 

Thank you for the response! I look back at it now and see it much more clearly. I think everything within me wanted him to be exactly what he claimed to be. I gave him way more than the benefit of the doubt with not meeting his friends or family, but it became a red flag I could no longer ignore and started asking questions about it. And funnily enough, he talked the talk but had no intention of backing any of it up.

I’m going to use this time to reflect on myself and learn as to why I tolerated this. And as you say- I do need a backbone . I need to work on that and strengthen my self esteem. Here’s to the journey of finding myself again!

And you’re right about the cell phone too, any other person probably wouldn’t have cared. I would’ve done the same for any of my friends too. Two worlds colliding and damage control sounds about right. 
Brings me some relief and healing with this information shared. Cheers and thank you 🙏 

3 hours ago, TheRawTruth said:

So is the issue that you can't meet his friends, or is the issue him being cold and distant, while seeming to gaslight you? Either way, it doesn't sound like you're happy. I can't speak on the cell phone incident because I don't know anything about a "quick message" feature. Nor do I get how messaging one of the callers would let your boyfriend know his phone was safe. Especially since he didn't have the phone to RECEIVE the message. I'm confused by that. But be that as it may, I'm not sure who ended things here. You say YOU did, but he seems to have just as many problems with you as you do him. So this NEEDED to end.

Now, as for him gaslighting you, I would have responded by reminding him of all the times I DID pay (and offer to pay) on my own and then say "So how have I never tried to pay? I just gave you multiple examples so you're full of it." Then wait for his response. But since it's over, it doesn't matter. He may have been gaslighting, but even if he wasn't, it sounds like it was going downhill regardless.

For the gaslighting example that I was curious about was when he told me that he wants to see my “true character “ and that he sees my true colors and that I’m not a genuine person. Even though I did offer to pay when we went out (not always) I’m not perfect and I didn’t even know he had an issue with the amount I was paying as he didn’t even tell me. He just decided to put me through a test - which he has put me through multiple ones in the past without even just communicating the issue. He said that if I knew what the issue was, then I’d fix that issue without being an actual genuine person that offers to pay. Mind you, I do offer just maybe not as often as he’d like, which hey if he mentioned it and we actually had communication about it, I could’ve met him where he wanted me to meet him. And he told me I was taking him for a ride and using him and that I showed him my true character.  He never admitted any fault for himself or has apologized - I felt like I had to defend my character and was questioning my actions even though I should know my truth.

with the cell phone, he lost it outside in the snow and I found it. He went home and he lives with his brother (that I know from class). When I found the phone I noticed a missed call on there - so I figured he was using a phone to call it. I sent a message to the number from him phone just saying “your phone is found, all good” so he wouldn’t worry about it. But then he got very upset that I did that. Mind you, I didn’t have any bad intention for doing it. But reflecting now I should’ve not messaged at all. I’m only human and I make mistakes too. I did apologize and told him I was sorry . But after that, it’s like there was no coming back. He held a grudge. Then the next day he told me it bugged him, but then wanted to reconsider breaking up and told me he wanted me to meet his mom and that I was wifey material. I told him that he was just saying that in the moment and that we had more issues we needed to work through. Less than 24 hours later he did a complete 180 and began to tell me all the hurtful things telling me I’m not genuine and I had ***ty behaviours etc. 

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you for your kind words. 

Whenever you have to defend yourself to clear your name, it's most likely gaslighting which is typical psychological warfare.  Gaslighting is manipulating the argument in a very obnoxious way.  I'm very familiar with this type of ugliness.  Like you, I am the one who ended up groveling and apologizing.  Never fall for a gaslighter's trick and trap.  I don't do that anymore.  I'm done.  You were called bratty and causing trouble.  Yes indeed that is classic gaslighting all the way.  It's pinning the blame on you because the perpetrator will NEVER take responsibility for what they've done and said to you because they're a narcissist. Narcissists and empathetic types are always incompatible.  

Get stronger.  It's better not to hold out hope after a person treats you badly.  It's better to protect yourself by keeping safe and moving on.  Eliminate people who are not good to you.  Peaceful estrangement is better than being with a complicated, high maintenance person.

Thank you for providing me with a little light during this learning process for me as I recover and heal and learn to love myself again. 😊 I will take this advice with me. Just reading this is helping me to come to an understanding with this entire situation. Moving forward slowly but surely.

I hope you also find peace in your healing journey!

29 minutes ago, arjumand said:

"I could care less about meeting your f&^ing friends..."

And you stayed after that? You really need to get into some therapy and figure out why you would even spend one minute with a guy who is nasty, dismissive of you and then felt it was okay to forgive you for having the nerve to introduce you to a friend. This guy is a complete loser, but the fact that you spent a year with him means there is truly something wrong with your self esteem and you need to figure that out and fix it. 

 

 

I agree, I’m looking for answers. I look back on it and was in the whirlwind of feelings. I knew it felt wrong and I still stayed. I don’t even know why I did. Maybe I liked the companionship but still when I look back I deserved more than what I was given. I overlooked his actions 100%. I wanna be stronger for my next relationship and I want to heal properly. I think I take words to heart even though I know different and I’m not sure why but I’d love to find out.

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

The part where he wants to see your "true character,"  currently seeing "your true colors," claiming to be a good person and took advantage of him is a form of gaslighting because he's deflecting blame away from him onto you so you're left defending yourself.  The person who gaslights will never admit fault nor apologize in a million years which is typical.  This is their trick and they're a master expert at gaslighting.  It's their narcissistic trait for which there is NO cure.  

You move on by eliminating abnormal, bad, hopeless people from your life.  I understand how you feel because despite our stories not being the same, my feelings have parallels with yours.  Tricky people are mentally sick.  You can't do anything with them except enforce healthy boundaries which includes estrangement.  Estrangement equals peace.  

Let time heal your wounds.  As your wisdom becomes ingrained in you and you do what is common sense, you will grow stronger by the day.  You will see.   

I thought it felt off because I felt like I had to really defend myself and who I was. I almost felt attacked by his claims and he kept going on and saying the same thing in different ways. It has also happened in the past before (something similar) where I felt I needed to defend my character. The argument in the past never got resolved and I ended up apologizing , and nothing on his end. Then he told me I was just causing trouble and being bratty. 
 

I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation with how you’re feeling as well - almost comforting to know that the similarities in how were meant to feel almost validate our truth and bring us back to a reality that can be quickly lost in.

As the days go by I feel a little better and it’s helpful to have some insight from this forum and friends/family. 
first day back at work since it happened and it’s tough getting back into the little routines. It still stings at times but I’m hopeful 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I can assure you there was someone else who he presented as his actual girlfriend.  And she likely knows nothing about you OR he dismisses you as a "friend" or someone who just won't leave him alone.

You stayed after this?  Oh no...

Please block his contact info and never allow him into your life again.  I don't care what pretty words he says, he should not get one single second of your time after that performance.

It hurts to think that there could have been someone else. Now it makes me wonder all the times he wasn’t with me if he was actually out with another woman and not at a friends place at all. I guess I will never truthfully know.

Trying to reflect back on it all. He did spend a great deal of time with me. And didn’t seem like the type to cheat on someone. But unfortunately I will never actually know. He also would take me out a lot too, but I guess that doesn’t mean he wasn’t with someone else…😩. He just didn’t seem like that type of guy but I also didn’t think he was this type of guy either to turn it on me and just leave as if I meant nothing. That’s what hurts the most .

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Really? Because everything about this guy is screaming that he was leading a double life. 

No kidding. He probably had a very hard time explaining to his girlfriend who the heck had his phone and why he wasn't answering it himself. 

This is so typical of someone who is cheating. They know what they are doing when your head is turned, and assume you are capable of the same. It's projection. 

So his real girlfriend doesn't figure out the whole story. You inadvertently blew his cover and now he's scrambling to get you out of his life and cover his tracks. 

Seriously. I have a friend who was once in your shoes. Dated a man for nearly two years and was practically a secret the whole time. He always had excuses about not bringing her around friends or family. Want to know why? He had a whole other relationship of six years. That was the woman his loved ones knew as his girlfriend - they had no clue my friend even existed. He'd been cheating for 2 years and neither woman knew about the other, though looking back, both saw signs that something wasn't right. 

Don't ever allow someone to keep you in the shadows like this. It's usually always because they are hiding a messy truth from you. I would put on this man having a girlfriend, and you are the unwitting, secret "other woman."

 

The thing that makes me think he was loyal was that he was usually at my place for the most part. Left all his stuff at my place. Spent a lot of time with me. But now that I’m thinking about it, it was totally possible. More than possible 😕 

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I read something a while ago that Ive already said here once or twice: The reason why we stay in a bad relationship despite other half mistreating us, is because no one else would put up with them. You ignored all the red flags, allowed him to mistreat you and allowed him to tell you some very hurtful stuff(how you are a bad person and using him). Any other person would be long gone by then as they wouldnt want to be mistreated. But you chased his validation hoping that he would introduce you as his girlfriend to his family and friends. That is something that you would need to workout why you allowed it. 

Just out of curiosity: how secretive was your relationship? Did he, for example, allowed you to publish joint pictures on social media? Did he introduced you as his girlfriend to people you would greet when you go out? Did you even hang out with other people, for example your friends, as a couple?

I knew his brother from class (we were all in the same class together). Started to date and he never told his brother for the entire relationship.

He told me he was a very private person. Lived with his brother and 2 uncles. Told me that the place would be too crowded and to wait until his uncles moved out. Uncles moved out and still didn’t follow through with it. I did get invited to his house once but only when his brother was out on a work trip. I looked at the entire house and it didn’t seem like he was hiding anything, showed me around the entire place. 
 

We did go out in public and held hands and did all the PDA. We took eachother out for food , activities etc. 

Early on in the relationship we did bump into one of my friends at an event and I introduced her to him and he told me “I could care less about meeting your ***in friends” and told me he didn’t sign up for this. He then told me that he would give me “a pass” and let this go and go along with the night and pretend that everything is fine. Instead I ended up making an excuse to my friend for why me and him had to leave the event. 
 

the red flags were there the entire time and I was blind sided by them 😩

never did I meet anyone in his life. He told me he mentioned me to his friends, and said they wanted to meet me but it never happened. He knew it was important to me.

i revisited the conversation again a week before we ended things about meeting his family or friends because it was becoming a red flag to me. And then he said that he will the next time they get together, but that they only get together really for birthdays. And then proceeded to tell me if I wasn’t happy with the pace of the relationship then I could leave if I wanted to. 
 

He also told me he had no social media - but then I found out he had Facebook. He never mentioned it to me at all and I didn’t question it either when I saw it. We didn’t have any photos public together or he wouldn’t allow it.

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

When people break up they sort of "overexaggarate" something they mind about you so the reasoning would be valid. "You sometimes dont pay when we get out" is a criticism. But "You are using me and I pay for everything" is a huge reason if he wants to get out. So he used that as an excuse. I would look at it more in that context then in context of gaslighting. And that he just invented a reason to get out.

Now why is that is another thing. You claim that there is nobody else. But he clearly hid you for a year. Its not natural not to know his friends and family after all that time. And its a sign that either you are very casual or that he hides you from some reason. Both are very alarming when it comes to serious relationship. Pair that with him getting so mad that you messaged somebody. And its pretty clear that you messaged somebody that you werent suppose to and that it created him trouble. Sorry but I think you were a "second woman" here. And that its good you broke up. In time you will not question yourself and see it too.

Okay yeah that makes sense , still hurts though. But I knew I didn’t use him, I cared about him and could care less about money. But the way he expressed himself it led me to feel terrible, like a terrible person who treated him like ***, when all I wanted to do was treat him good. It hurts to know he thinks of me that way,‘it’s so painful 😣 

Why am I so affected by that? Why do I care what he thinks if he was the way he was to me? Why do I want his approval? And why would he want to get rid of everything that reminds him of me, I feel so hurt that he wants nothing to do with me at all

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's unclear why you would enter his phone. If this along with the pile of other complaints was what precipitated the breakup.

However his character assignations about your "taking advantage" is just manipulation to end things.

At some level you know there's been red flags all along. Sadly you seem overinvested and he pushed back.

 It seems the relationship was almost anemic and hanging by a thread.  In a way you dodged a bullet for several reasons. He kept you at arms length, he had one foot out the door at all times and you were quite incompatible.

Take a deep breath and reflect away from him so you can sort things out.

Reframe why you need constant reassuring. That's not really a "love language". In fact needing someone's approval and validation puts you in a vulnerable  almost needy position.

Your sense of self and worth is inside you, not what this man thinks or says. This is more of a symptom that you were overinvested in him. His chronic coldness is more about being with the wrong man than love languages .

 

 

Reasoning for entering the phone was that he lost his phone near my apartment. He went home and I guess his brother called the cell phone. I ended up finding it outside. Went and saw he had a missed call and figured it was him seeing where his phone was. Sent a quick text just letting the number know the phone was found. Didn’t look through anything as I felt no reason too. Just wanted him to know it was all good. And yes now reflecting back I see it wasn’t the best decision but I did apologize and I wasn’t meaning to cause an issue.

Yes, I did overlook all the red flags. And I see that. I do have work on myself to do and to determine why I let myself stay when things weren’t good. I thought I found my person in him when things were good they were great. And then I wouldn’t know who I was getting from day to day. 
 

I just feel upset that he felt he needed to test me throughout the entire relationship 😕 he never could trust me even if I gave him my entire trust. 
 

he knew that his friendship meant so much to me as we were friends before we dated, and that I was more afraid to lose him as a friend than anything else. And now he’s taken that away and wants absolutely nothing to do with me , it hurts me to know that. 

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

Go no contact, and you will eventually move on. Given time and distance away from him, you will realize he did you a favor by breaking up. Use the time to boost your self-esteem, because if you don't, you will continue to attract, and be attracted to, men who aren't worthy of you.

If you don't have a support system of friends, try some new hobbies to find others to share fun times with. 

This relationship will have taught you some lessons about what you deserve and who you should avoid in the future. You're likely too close to the situation to see the big picture right now, but with time, I hope you'll begin to see the light.

Take care.

Hey thanks for the response.

I’ve been staying with a few friends of mine and trying to keep busy right now. Trying to get back to business as usual but it still hurts.

He sent me a long message of some hurtful things and how I’m not a genuine person and that he is happy that I’m out of his life. It’s so painful to get these messages so I ended up removing him. I just don’t really understand how someone could care about you or say they do one minute and do a complete 180 the next like I meant nothing ::

How do I know if it’s gas lighting? And did I do the right thing?

Me (F28) just ended things with my partner (M30) of 1 year the other day.

I stayed in a relationship in which my partner was emotionally unavailable to me - hopefully no one judges me I think it’s something I need to work on myself but I need to know if I’m just losing my mind or if what I was dealing with was true.

I’ve never met his family or his friends. He claims that his friends know about me and I kept being very patient and understanding with him and not forcing the situation but I started to get 🚩 red flags. I approached him about the topic a few weeks ago and mentioned I’d really like to meet his friends and wondering why I haven’t yet after so long. In the past he said he’d invite me over once his uncles moved out (he lives with his brother too) uncles moved out and I still was never invited over unless his brother was out of the house (which was once). 

He told me that he would invite me out but that his friends usually don’t get together unless it’s someone’s birthday - but that’s not true because he just went to his friends the other week but he claims it was more of a guys hangout. He told me that after his midterms that he would arrange something with his friends and didn’t know it would mean that much to me (this isn’t the first time we’ve talked about it, so he knows I wanted to since December) and said that meeting friends and family is not really important to him and he’s more of a private person. After this he said that if the relationship wasn’t moving fast enough for me that I could leave if I wanted to. 

Okay so a little back drop :

My love language is words of affirmation and I’m pretty sure his is gift giving and physical touch (actions). He has been emotionally absent, I think I can count on my hands how many times he has said I looked nice or beautiful, has never told me he misses me, ever. I’ve talked to him about this before and he was trying until he just stopped and then if I ever was feeling emotionally alone or needing reassurance it always appeared that it was never the right time to talk to him about it, and that if I was bringing up the concern he would be dismissive of my feelings and subject change. 

In the relationship when we go out - we either pay for each other. We’re both financially stable and he does pay more than I have - I do offer to pay here and there for food or outings (which is all we really share financially). 

He told me that I was a good woman and that my heart was big (some of the few words he did tell me). And then after an amazing day out together - he lost his cellphone . I ended up finding it on the ground and I guess there was a ton of missed calls. I had no way to reach him because he went home to look for it. I ended up using the quick message to one of the callers just to let him know his phone is safe, nothing more nothing less so he would be assured everything was fine. And yes I do trust him and have no reason to believe there was any cheating.

He came back to my place and when I told him, he said he wished I didn’t do that. I apologized and told him I was just being thoughtful and that I honestly didn’t look at anything else. He shut down immediately and did not cuddle me, was completely cold and distant.

The next day - I knew he wasn’t happy. He came over and we talked. He told me that I was using him and that I was just taking him for a ride. He said I stopped offering to pay for  outings and events and just expected him to pay. He said he was miserable and felt exhausted only having a one way relationship. Never did I use him or never offer to pay. He said that i went long periods of time without offering to pay for anything and that wasn’t true. I said why didn’t you tell me your concerns and he went on to say that he has talked to me about this “three times before” and I honestly tried super hard to remember, we’ve only had a few conversations on total in our relationship and none of them have been about spending or chipping in more. I feel like I’m being gas lighted? Is this gas lighting? I honestly have no idea, I’ve been questioning my actions. He told me that he wanted me to just offer to pay without having being told (so i feel like he’s even admitting never mentioning this to me) because he wants to see my “true character”. And now he says he can see my “true colors” and that I always claimed to be a good person and that I wasn’t a user but that I used him and took advantage of him. All which have me questioning my character and having me defend it. My head is spinning and he is unable to admit any faults in our relationship nor apologize to me. I never ever wanted to hurt him and now he’s saying that I hurt him. He was one of my good friends prior to dating him, and he knew I’d be wrecked if I ever lost him as a friend, and now he wants nothing to do with me and thinks I treated him terribly. Can someone help me to understand or validate my feelings? Can someone tell me how to move on because I feel so lost :/