oldworld
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Posts posted by oldworld
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:
I wrote that if I was on the fence about a spark I gave it till date four. Then my test was I had to enjoy kissing him or desire to kiss him. There were times on the first meet or first or second date I knew for sure there would never be the right chemistry. One time I ended at date 2 because he was going to do most of the traveling to see me (where I lived had more going on -over an hour for him) plus he was so into me and so I told him I didn't want to lead him on and have him travel to see me. He took it well on the phone and then didn't take it well the next day via harassing emails. I regretted actually telling him the truth. I think you should appreciate that she tried to be open about how she was feeling and that she thoughtfully didn't want to lead you on.
Your question makes little sense to me -how can I just enjoy someone's company if I know there is no potential for a spark? With some people you just know. Very often has nothing to do with looks or body type.
I do appreciate that she was open and honest, and I respected her wishes completely. I'm sorry in your case the guy was a jerk and couldn't keep himself from sending harassing emails.
It's interesting that you don't understand how you can enjoy someone's company if there's no potential for a spark. If expectations are set aside, it's just having fun. Maybe it'll become an actual friendship- not a "friendzone" or whatever else. If there's honest communication, then no one is leading anyone on. It's like approaching it from the other way around- when you become friends with someone, you don't think about whether there's a potential spark. If that happens later on, when circumstances change, so be it. But it's not the reason for the friendship.
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2 hours ago, gamon said:
I think what you're asking is if she gave you more of a chance would she eventually develop an attraction.
The answer is, it's irrelevant because she's not interested.
End of story.
I get it, I'm not asking about her specifically on this anonymous forum. I'm asking in general, do people feel you know all you need to know by the second date? Or if you enjoy each other's company and have fun together, do people agree you can put expectations aside and just enjoy spending time together?
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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:
But that isn't why she said she wasn't going to continue dating you, is it? She didn't quote stats and percentages. She very kindly explained why.
This one was a no go. That will happen. The right woman will be on the same page as you. This one simply isn't.
That is her reason- she wasn't feeling anything romantically after the second date, and so chose to end it, which implies she doesn't feel it will develop any later on.
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I respected it, I didn't try to convince her of anything. I'm simply asking on an anonymous forum, for my own understanding, do people generally agree with her perspective that if you don't feel chemistry by the second date it won't happen? Do people feel I am old-fashioned for thinking that it can take a little longer for chemistry to develop and if you're enjoying each other's company it's worth the investment? For thinking that people can just have fun and get to know each other, putting expectations aside?
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I quoted her texts and what she told me. By the "stats" I mean the general feeling in today's world that if you don't feel anything by date 2, you're better off ending it and assuming it won't develop.
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Recently I met a woman at a local restaurant and we talked for over an hour about common interests, then decided to exchange numbers. We made a date, had a great time, talked for hours, found out we share values, interests, life goals, opinions. After we listened to jazz and everything felt great. I followed up and we made a second date, again had a great conversation over dinner, laughed, enjoyed each other's company, went to another spot and talked for longer. She kissed me goodnight, generally a sign of encouragement I believe. This was the weekend before Thanksgiving, and she had family coming for the holiday. So when I followed up, told her I had a great time, I gave her a couple of options for a third date- offered to make her dinner or take her out again when she could depending on her holiday schedule. She accepted, said she was grateful we met- a sentiment I returned- and said she'd decide closer to the following weekend. No problem. Everything seemed to progressing naturally, and it felt we were on the same page. The day after Thanksgiving, I followed up to ask what she'd chosen so I could plan it. Generally I tried to show interest and willingness to devote time and energy into planning. She sent a text back saying she thought about it. I'll quote direct so as not to misinterpret: "I think you're wonderful and I love spending time with you, you're very interesting and I can have great conversation with you. I just unfortunately don't want to lead you on. I hope we can remain friends." I bumped into her at a coffee shop on Saturday, she sort of played it off like nothing happened, but I was caught off-guard. She did not want to sit and talk. I texted, asked what caused the about-face, she said: "really enjoyed our conversation, it was refreshing to get to know someone I could talk to and I still am grateful we met. I wanted to still give it a chance, but I just wasn't feeling anything romantically. ... I thought about it a lot and felt it was better to tell you sooner rather than later and to keep going on dates." So, I know there's some actuarial tables out there where experts say if you don't feel a spark by the second date, there's a 94% chance it won't happen. But my feeling (which she did not ask about) is we live in a society that expects instant gratification- better to cut your losses after date 2 than give something a chance. Despite both wanting to start a family, sharing values, sharing interests, and being able to maintain enjoyable conversation for hours without awkwardness, it's not worth the investment if its not an immediate spark. Am I so old-fashioned to think we could just enjoy each other's company without expectation and if it doesn't lead to a romance, we still enjoyed it? For me, connection leads to a spark, and connection takes a little more time and effort. I don't feel it's leading me on if she's honest and communicates. Heck- tell me you'd rather split the bill going forward and just have fun without worrying. But cancelling a date already accepted and ending any further plans feels a bit like something was withheld all along, and I just hit a dead end. Offering to remain friends feels like a boundary rather than a meaningful category. Can anyone tell me if I'm being too old-fashioned and not keeping up with the pace of today's world? Do you agree with her and going with the stats, or can you treat someone like they're worth the investment even if you don't feel the romantic connection immediately?
Expectations, second date
in Dating Advice
Posted
These are polar opposites. The first is when you are becoming friends with someone, not dating, no thought is given to where it may lead. It's just circumstance or whatever brought you into proximity to become friends.
The second, her offering to be "friends" because she no longer wants to date, is a boundary- so no, I don't want it because it has no meaning. And as you said, I don't want to hang on.
The point is, I think it's better to be in the first situation- just enjoying the moment without worrying about what may come of it. I don't think you have to make final decisions by the second date and end up in the second situation, keeping somebody at arm's length as a "friend."