LaurenJJJ

37 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Why are you "grossed out"?  

I understand why you would be hurt by the breakup, and him driving 3 hours to dump your stuff outside your door is harsh.  

But getting all wrapped up in something you found out a whole year after the end of your relationship is not healthy, especially since you have a boyfriend yourself now.

Who he is dating, his relationship with his mother, whether he has a special condition that makes him attracted to "old ladies," how much money his business earns,  his father's inheritance plans; none of that has anything at all to do with you.   

Move on!  

Does it really have to be explained that someone might be disgusted that they were sleeping with a man who was in a relationship with another woman?  I would never have consented had I known that.  Now theres articles in my local newspaper about him and his "soulmate".  That article is what has brought this up again, not the fact that I hadn't got over it.  Have you ever had an ex get an article published in a newspaper, all about how he met his wife, with photographs of them together, videos,  dates and details of when and how they met and everything?  You must admit it is quite unusual.

I suppose its sort of funny in a crazy kind of way.  I wish I'd never met this guy.  He is an absolute nightmare.  I turned down so many decent guys for him.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You said you are "raising awareness".  I asked how exactly are you doing this?  I was giving examples of how you might be "raising awareness".

I didn't say you were "wrong" either.  I said your anger (which is obvious, although you used the word "disgust") hurts no one but yourself.

Your posts are actually making me feel so uncomfortable that I had a look through just one page of your (extremely extensive) posting history.  It seems that you regularly try to tell posters (i.e. random people off the internet) what words they can and cannot use.  You particularly have an aversion to the word "gaslighting", probably because your responses tend to be classic gaslighting themselves, and you don't like being called out on it. 

I'm not going to sit here and answer you like an obedient little schoolchild.  I can use whatever words I choose.

Unless you have something constructive to say, please stop responding.

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you judging how frail this woman is based on the photos from the newspaper article?

You say you are trying to "raise awareness".  How are you doing this?  By posting videos online?  Writing to the newspaper?  Posting blogs?

Being angry because you were "replaced" by a much older woman hurts no one but yourself.  I was "replaced" by a woman 16 years younger than me.  I didn't claim to be "raising awareness" when I expressed my hurt and anger.  I was jealous, frankly.  My catty comments about her appearance and lack of intelligence were just me expressing my jealousy and pain at being dumped.  My jealousy didn't hurt them, it only hurt me and made me look petty.  It changed nothing.  My ex remained with the 23 year old and I had no choice but to accept it. 

I'm not angry.

What is this about me posting videos online?  There was a video attached to the newspaper article on the online version.  Nothing to do with me.  Its in the public domain.

I suppose you think my friend who is so creeped out by this so much that she has stopped going to the classes is wrong as well?  There are literally 2 likes on that article online.  All of the other articles on the page have got loads of likes and positive responses.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.  I'm really glad I'm no longer with this man as he has so many red flags about him that he is almost puce.  I always had concerns about his behaviour and secrecy if I'm honest but I conditioned myself to ignore them.  Men make awful comments about womens' appearance all the time and no-one says a thing, but don't dare to be a woman and say anything about anyone's appearance!  

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t.  Physical attraction is essential. And judging why one person might find another person attractive is a huge waste of time. Especially when it involves drawing judgey and shallow comparisons 

No, you actually made up a little fantasy about me only being attracted to my ex's good looks and told me I was shallow because of your own little made up theory.  You deliberately ignored a post where I had described many of the other reasons only a few posts above mine to run with your little narrative.

What is your motive here?

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Possible based on speculation from the woman who believes she was wronged by that woman’s partner. Hmmmm

You're actually trying to bully me now.  Do you usually do this thing of trying to walk all over people and deliberately be unkind?  Have you thought about therapy to help you with this tendency?  Do you actually realise you are replying to a human being here and it might be a good idea to moderate your words before calling people names and throwing around accusations?

15 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Bitter is the exact word I thought.

But you also think that being physically attracted to the person you are in a relationship is "shallow", so I think you might possibly not be the best judge of what a health relationship is.

13 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You dodged what I said quite nicely.  You made sure we knew he was good looking as you said it a few times but that doesn't make anyone a good person.  Common interests and hobbies are more important than a pretty face.

I said your comments about this woman were insulting to older people and you dodged that too going on about how unhealthy this woman looks to be.  Maybe she is not healthy, maybe she just looks unwell but is actually not ill.  You cant paint all older adults with the same brush. Maybe this guy wants her for harmony, if she has any.  Who knows!  Somehow you need to get over this.  You got dumped and you are hurting but it's wrong to slam older people who are not as attractive as they once were.

I didn't respond to your particular comment because this post isn't about older people.  Its about a specific older person.  You are not going to get me to repeat words that you want me to say to make you feel better about something.  It is nothing to do with "attractiveness".  Its about infirmity, vulnerability and possible exploitation.  There are many people of that age and older who are not like that.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also if you actually knew this person you might discover that despite your perception that she is physically frail -even if she is- emotionally and spark-wise she might be spunky, enthusiastic, full of the good kind of self confidence -a real presence - so very attractive including romantically - I would suspect especially since she is an entrepreneur this might be the case.  But yes - it's none of your concern and none of your business.

She's not an entrepreneur.  He seems to have roped her in to do the catering.  I am concerned that it might be a predatory marriage and I think raising awareness that this can happen is a good idea.

I don't know which country you live in, but in my country, if you have a disabled partner, you actually get paid a reasonable wage by the state for caring for them.  You can also get a free car, renewed every 3 years. reduced public transport, and other generous allowances too.  The lady likely has her own house, which according to the laws of my country, her spouse will inherit when she passes away, and if she has any children, they will miss out.  These are the hard facts.  He was also cheating on her with me for around a year when they first met.

A friend used to go to his classes and has stopped because she phoned me up to say how creepy the newspaper article and attached photos looked.  The woman looks confused, not sparky, and she is unsmiling, while he is grinning away.  Given that he was very dismissive and rude about older women when I asked him if there was a chance he might be attracted to one of them, I find it surprising that he's done such a turn around.

Of course it may all be wonderful and a great love affair but from what I can see is that he has chosen to do something which puts him in contact with a large number of older single and likely lonely women, for whom a young, handsome man is clearly going to dazzle them.  He admitted to me that the business barely makes any money.

In the photos attached to the article, I saw that he had also started wearing the clothes that men in from her country would typically wear.  It looks really strange because he is the complete physical opposite of men from her native country.  He is doing the mirroring thing again and it really draws you in and binds you that person, I speak from experience as he did it with me.  I also didn't really appreciate what cultural appropriation meant before I saw that, its really strange.

I think some male posters have on here have had bad experiences with being rejected by women and are maybe enjoying a little too much hearing about a woman who has been rejected.

I can't believe that a poster criticised me for being attracted to a former partner and called me shallow, making up a story that it was the only reason I was in a relationship.  What are you meant to do?  Have relationships with people you aren't attracted to?  Date them for their money or the lifestyle they can provide you with?

Women have to be very careful of men who prey on their loneliness or vulnerability.  I have no idea whether that is or is not the case with my ex, but I think I'm uniquely placed to be suspicsious.  I'd be very concerned if I were one of her children, lets just put it that way.

Basically, I've got a bad instinct about all of this, its like a gut feeling that something is deeply wrong somewhere.  Nothing I can do about it but don't shoot the messenger!

7 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

So you liked him because he was good looking?  That's a pretty shallow reason to like someone. People are more than their looks.

I found your comments about this older woman to be insulting to all of the older people out there, male and female.  

As I explained just a couple of posts above, as is normal in relationships, physical attraction formed part of it but he also shared all of my hobbies and interests and seemed very similar to me in many ways with similar ambitions, motivations and approach to life.  Why would you assume the worst of someone in the way you have done?  Don't you realise this sort of thing can happen?  Lucky you if you've never met someone like this in your life so far.  I was completely taken in by him at one time because he was presenting himself as the perfect man to me based on my interests and hobbies.  He told me complete lies and presented himself as a completely different person than the one he actually is.

And yes, my description of the woman is factual.  Its very unusual for a man of that age to be attracted to a woman old enough to be their mother and who is physically not in the best of health when they already have a girlfriend.  Its clear from her appearance that she is not a healthy 60 year old.  She is struggling to stand up and he is supporting her and she looks really quite unwell otherwise.  I'm concerned he has ulterior motives, based on his being highly manipulative.  The best case scenario is that he has mummy issues and is trying to replicate the relationship he had with his mother, who latterly spent years dying slowly of a serious disease.  Its also really easy to control someone like that, of course.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

In the future don't make romantic relationship decisions based on a man's looks.  People are more than their appearance as you can tell from his new relationship. 

No need to be "disgusted".  He was the wrong one for you.  You're now free to meet a man who's right for you.

It was actually based on shared interests and he seemed to sort of mould himself to whatever I was into somehow (its very hard to describe) so I felt like he was my psychic twin or something.  He even started adopting phrases I use.  I actually have a new boyfriend, but could I just correct you to point out that I'm free to do whatever I want, not just to "meet a man".  My life and self worth doesn't revolve around meeting men and having boyfriends.  But thank you for your comment, I know you are only trying to be helpful.

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A bit? No, it's a major red flag. 

I would not be able to respect a man who doesn't work, for no good reason. It say all kinds of things about him that would turn me right off. 

Well, he worked full time when we first got together.  He had a good degree level job which it would have been relatively easy to do part time or less intensively if he found his then job stressful.  Then he stopped and didn't tell me and seemed embarrassed by it.  And then because he seemed embarrassed by it, I didn't make an issue of it.  His father is wealthy but doesn't give him all that much money.  Maybe he's counting on inheriting some of it one day.

Anyway, I see now that my boundaries were gradually eroded and I got drawn into not asking awkward questions because I didn't want to upset him.  I was too easy going.  but also because my normal boundaries were weaker than usual with him because we came originally from the same small town, I kind of knew his parents, we shared a mutual group of friends (whom he has now all dropped).  I have much stronger boundaries in place now.

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the attraction here? He seems like a loser.

He is very charming and good looking, comes across as very caring and sincere.  In retrospect it was fake and exaggerated.  But its difficult to explain how good he was at convincing he was.  But you are right.  A young healthy man not holding down a job is a bit of a red flag.

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

How much time did you manage to spend together in those two years? 

Nearly every weekend, holidays and other times we were free.  It was a 3 hour drive.  I don't know how he fitted in seeing another woman (and from the dates given in the newspaper article there was a long overlap) except that he doesn't work (his father gives him money).  His business doesn't really make much money but it keeps him occupied although its nowhere near full time.  So I suppose that gave him time but she certainly wasn't seeing him at weekends!

Just now, Jibralta said:

I think you have to look at the situation and identify exactly which part (or parts) is causing you to feel sick. That will tell you a lot about yourself.

Well, the fact that I was totally duped by someone who was lying to me.  I trusted him because I knew his family from way back and had known him for 15 years in total through a mutual hobby and mutual friends (whom he has also all dropped now).

The fact that I ignored many red flags and couldn't quite put my finger on why I didn't fully trust him

I think I had slightly weak boundaries where he was concerned because he is extremely good looking and charming and a very plausible liar.  He lied a number of times to me.

The fact that I would never have consented to sex if he hadn't lied and told me were were in a committed, exclusive relationship.

I think the guy gets a kick out of ending relationships coldly and abruptly and I let him do that twice.

The fact he was having sex with another woman during our relationship and I suspect he has deliberately picked a wife from a culture that practises polygamy who might put up with his cheating as long as treats her well at home.

All of that makes me feel sick.  The guy is a manipulative liar.

"Not even sure why you brought up his living arrangement. Or why you guys were living apart if you really wanted to be with this person."

Work.  I have to work to earn money.  After we split up the first time, I ended up getting a job in another city 3 hours drive away.  We had plans to move in together when I found another job back in the original city.  I didn't have time to put it all in the original post.  It was a normal relationship.  I wouldn't immediately move in with someone and give up my job the minute I start dating them.  The living arrangement relates to me replying to a point raised by a previous poster.

I don't know about over-estimating my looks.  I can't exactly change my skin colour or age.  Its not as if I can make myself be born 25 years earlier.  I do the best with what I have.  I don't want this guy, he presented a completely different personality to me with different interests which appealed to me.  None of us are Hollywood actors and I don't think they are really a very good representation of normal, healthy relationships.  Keanu's on-off girlfriend isn't the best example of stability.

I don't care about him any more, my question is how do I get over the feeling of disgust I have that he was lying to me and was almost certainly having sex with me and this other woman at the same time (for between 12 and 18 months as far as I can work it out)?  I feel sickened by it.

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you're correct in your assessment. It sounds like you chose to get back together with him even though he ended things because he wasn't interested in a relationship with you (same thing as "I don't do relationships").  So that is when you took a risk dating him again.  Especially long distance.

I'm 55.  So is my husband.  We married when we were in our early 40s.  Now I'm 55 and my friends range in age from let's say late 30s to 70.  It really is just a number.  Especially at their ages -it's an age difference but it's quite something that you're assuming she is elderly.  She's middle aged.  So is he, basically.  She's not an old lady.  Actually my mother is 87 and I guess she is technically elderly but she's high energy, spunky, funny, social butterfly.  You're much younger and coming across as some negative Debbie Downer who thinks that others are going to care why you're upset that some guy you were having sex with is now in love with a woman who happens to be older than he is. 

You don't need to share how you're feeling - simply say if someone were to ask - it didn't work out and if you are compelled to share that you're sad about not being with him anymore just do that -no need to share your assumptions about his partner. Don't you feel kind of gross in stooping to referring to this person you've never met as an "old lady"?  

My sense is their age difference is meaningless to them.  You get rid of the disgusting feeling by choosing not to have sex with people who are not that into you because it seems to me you get so attached through casual sex that you're grasping at straws as to why he could possibly have fallen in love with someone else and instead of dealing with that you're thinking somehow he has a disorder because of an age difference and that 60 makes her an old lady.  

Also I would think her business keeps her high energy and active and she sure is contributing to the community and helping shine a light into peoples' lives in the tough situation that exists in many nursing homes.

Thanks for your reply.  I have never in my life had "causal sex" or been attracted to someone who does casual sex.  I knew this man through his parents (who are both now passed away) who knew my parents.  We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship and he reassured me that he was much more mature than when we were previously dating, one of the main reasons being that he had now bought a larger property and was no longer embarrassed by his small flat in a rough area of town.  It actually didn't bother me in the slightest but that is what he said.  So that was the reason I gave him a second chance.  I've only had 4 sexual partners in my life and I'm really hurt by your saying that I was attracted to someone through casual sex.  I didn't consent to casual sex and I would never have had sex with him even once had I not thought that we were in a committed, totally exclusive relationship, and I made it clear to him that those were the rules.  He agreed to all of that.  My plan was to move back to his city once lockdown was over.  And I am perfectly aware that 60 is not old but this woman does not look particularly health for 60.  I don't really want to get into criticising her appearance, but I will say that she is very stooped and frail looking.  I know his mother was ill for several years before her passing and it might be that he likes the idea of caring for someone who really needs him.

Hi everyone, I'm feeling a bit grossed out by whats happened to me and am looking for advice as to how to get over it.

Basically, I was dating a guy I'd known for quite a while, we dated for 6 months previously and then he dumped me saying he "didn't do relationships" and then we got back together 3 years later and were together for 2 years.  Very happy or so I thought, everything great, although by this time it was long distance as I'd moved away.  Then one day he phoned me up out of the blue and told me he had met someone else and was ending it.  Short phone call, refused to talk or meet up and dumped by belongings outside my door.

Just over a year later and I'm reading the local newspaper for our area which I still have online, and theres a centre page feature article about him and his business and how he met his "soulmate" and they are doing the business together.  And it gives their ages.  He is 41 and she is 60.  There are photos of them and she doesn't even look young for 60, she looks quite elderly and frail.  He looks really young for his age and he is a very good looking guy.  The article also mentions how she came from [a third world country] to get married to a man she knew only from the internet, how it didn't work out and they got divorced and she has been alone for 25 years until she met him in 2019 (when we were still together!) and how happy they are together and no longer lonely, etc..  The business is running dance classes in care homes for the elderly.

The article also mentions something about his mother and I think he must have mummy issues because I guess she might be the type who runs around after him.  Its just so weird.  It gave me a real shock to see the man I was in love with coupled up with a woman who looked old enough to be his grandmother.

So now I feel that I was with a really strange man who is attracted to old ladies (this is apparently a thing and its called gerophylia).  I mean I know people can be attracted to people of all ages but the dates and his conduct imply he was cheating on me with her, or vice versa.  He was also extremely scathing when I raised the possibility that he might meet someone who lived closer by, he said that "they were all old women" in a really dismissive tone.  Judging by how stooped over and the extensive dark shadows around her eyes, the woman doesn't look particularly healthy and there has to be a realistic prospect that he will end up as her carer quite soon.

It really is the weirdest thing ever.  I wish I'd never got involved with him.  I feel really disgusted that I was sleeping with this man and really into him.  How do I get rid of this disgusting feeling I have?  It seems clear from the dates that he was sleeping with both of us at the same time (I had an STD test after his abrupt break up call and it was fortunately clear).  I can't talk to anyone about it, people think he's some sort of shy guy and believe the soulmate line and I don't want anyone else to know I was ever involved with him.  I mean, how can you go about telling people you're upset because you got dumped for a 60 year old?