StraightShooter

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Why are you stubbornly trying not to accept this is on her to fix her trust issues? 

Because maybe the way you fix someone's trust issues is by showing them you're someone they can trust. 

The other part of me feels like no matter what she will never trust me. She's always accusing me of lying and the thing is I'm really not lying at all. I remember one time my mom kept calling me and I wouldn't answer because I knew it was over some drama going on that I didn't really want her to hear so she questioned whether I had more than one "mom" contact in my phone because her ex used to do that. 

I remember another instance that I went to her house after work and she said I didn't smell like diesel fuel (I'm a heavy equipment operator) and accused me of not working that day stating she had no clue where I've been. It just so happened my company shorted my paycheck that week as well and made her even more delusional. 

What puzzles me the most is the guy she dated after me is a well-known player and she says they broke up because he was an a-hole but she apparently trusted him? I've never cheated in my life and she's constantly accusing me of being dishonest. 

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You are not understanding anything I said. I have been with my husband 33 years and married 28 next Sat. I completely GET devotion. However, my mom’s was entirely displaced and literally almost ended her life literally on many occasions. If you are breaking up and she is running to others and coming back yours could be misplaced as well. 

I am not really sure if this is a pattern at this point. The first time we broke up it was after our first date and was a miscommunication and only lasted for about two weeks. The second time it was for six months and she started dating the guy two months after we broke up. She claims he came into the picture long after we broke up, but I remember him drooling over her pictures while her and I were talking.... 

I last asked her if she was talking to someone last week and she said no. I'm not sure if she's talking or seeing someone right now. I have a bad feeling that she is but at the same time it could be my damaged way of thinking since my ex was that way. 

A lot of why we didn't workout this time was that I was still damaged from my divorce. That's why I'm kind of agreeing with the split momentarily. I think it will take me a few months to get right again. I just hope she's putting effort into herself and not someone else in the meantime. 

Does anyone still not have a clue on how to earn someone's trust while not really speaking with them on a daily basis? 

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Ok, let me explain something before you figure I am talking out my backside. My mom married my dad who had severe mental health issues and spent almost THIRTY YEARS trying to “ fix or help him”. Never worked because he didn’t want it to . What happened to her ? Driven into actual physical poor health due to it. She lost her hair , she mobility challenged etc etc. Her kids ( my brother and I PTSD because my mom stuck with someone with severe issues) 

I married someone with utterly debilitating anxiety and with me having PTSD made me worse and him worse.
 

The difference,  my husband actually wanted to sort himself out and did . We both had extensive therapy and fixed a lot of our issues. Why different result ? We WANTED to succeed. But that has  to come from inside the person. 

She goes to therapy and so do I. I think everyone falls under the spectrum of these disabilities to a certain degree. 

People assuming I have no self-respect because I have fought for a woman that I love and refuse to let mental illnesses or uncertainty taint our relationship. I guess we should live our lives with one foot out the door. There are risks with everyone; we just choose who we want to take those risks with. 

11 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

If you don’t want to leave, always be with her like you said. You give her time, yes, but let her know that you will be there when she no longer needs time. I hope you don’t hurt yourself doing this.

Finally, someone answered the initial question that I asked. I don't want to leave at this point, no. 

I'm confused on how to give her time, but still be there?

On both instances in the past that she left, she didn't come back until after I stopped trying. I walked away with the mindset that I had exhausted all efforts to show her that I cared. It's surprising to me that she has not blocked me any. I was extremely good to her though and I put forth effort that most people would have never put in, which at some point she may see. She's not ready to close the coffin just yet though for some reason? 

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

This is toxic and she has her own insecurities to deal with. You are NOT the answer nor solution to get insecurities. She can't put that on you.

I'd say it's best to walk away and move on to healthier choices.

Look, she was already checking out of the relationship here:

 

That's not how it's supposed to work. When someone turns you down... Turn around and walk away. Have some self respect. Don't allow her to use you or allow yourself to be used like an object over and over.

Again, best to end this, learn from this experience, and move on to healthier choices.

It's funny that you mention the whole having self-respect thing, because that's exactly what she said to me when turned me down the last time. I assumed she was pushing me away back then because she felt I was going to hurt her. I figured showing her I wasn't willing to give up on her would win her over and according to her, it did.

The thing is... she entered a relationship with another guy not long after that. I left her alone and when they broke up, it didn't take long for her to come back into my life. I stopped chasing her and let her be happy with someone else and she reappeared. She told me being with him made her realize how much better for her I really was. She also made a public post on facebook telling everyone how no one has ever fought for her the way I did and that is what won her over and allowed her to put her guard down. 

I realize I will have a handful of people here telling me walking away is the best option. At the moment, that's not what I'm willing to do nor what I'm asking. I'm asking hypothetically if you will, how you can win back someone's trust while "giving them time"? The back of my mind almost wonders if she knows that I've put extraordinary amounts of effort into her that no one else likely will do, so she she's testing the market for the time being and if there's no winner then she didn't push me away and I'll be here. 

So I met this girl last year that I fell in love with pretty quickly. The first thing that I learned about her is that she is very paranoid and protective of her heart. I know she had a man walk out on her in a very cruel way before and she says every since then she has developed walls around her heart. She was bad about breaking things off with me at any slight inconvenience but I was always there when she wanted to come back around and I showed her that I wasn't going anywhere and she finally started to trust me and fell for me it appeared... 

Then things started to get "bad" I suppose. She started appearing uninterested and very distant. Her responses got shorter and without the use of pet words like she used to always use. She told me that she was diagnosed as bipolar but I knew that I would need to accept that and accept that her personality will be hit and miss at times. I was paranoid because I had been cheated on and stuff before and she was being distant and I assumed that she just didn't want to be with me anymore but didn't want to hurt me again so I ended the relationship. After I ended it, she was extremely angry which I could tell was her way of dealing with being hurt and let down. I immediately regretted what I did and I've tried now for about a month to fix it and she just keeps giving me the run around on what she wants... 

At first, she told me she wasn't sure she could get past what I did because me leaving her broke all her trust and the thing she loved the most about me was the security that I gave her. She said she counted on me not to hurt her and walk away because she has abandonment issues. She said the fact that I did so without warning made her uneasy about trusting me again. I bugged and bugged her to work things out and she said I was trying to force what I wanted on her without giving any consideration to what she wants. I asked what she wants and she told me for me to earn her trust back and prove myself again. Now it took months before to get this woman to trust me and she turned me down so so many times before she finally put her guard down. Now I'm sitting here wondering what it's going to take to fix things. I know I made a mistake, but how can I ever fix it by giving her time and in her words "earning her trust from a distance?" 

My ex-wife cheated on me in the cruelest way, so it's hard for me not to wonder if this girl is testing the waters and seeing what else comes along and if nothing better passes by then I'll get another chance. The last time she ended things she blocked all forms of contact with me. Now, she's not saying no but telling me I need to give her time without trying to "snap my fingers and us be back together". She tells me to respect what she's asking for which appears to be right now time. How can I show this girl that I love her and I'm here for her while not trying to force anything? How can I show her that I'm not going anywhere while not talking to her? Any advice?