CraziJ

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whose house is it? How long have you been living together? Do you co-own or co-lease? Who's on the deed? Who's on the mortgage?  Can you afford the place on your own?

- It's under my name, all of it.  It's been about 5 years since we've been living together.  I can afford it on my own.  She's getting a sign on bonus after 90 days and was willing to use that on the house.  I should let the truth go and have her use that on her next place.

 Why does she "think" you're staying when you have one foot out the door? Sever all financial ties. Sort out who owes who what and start paying your own bills separately. 

- She thinks that because she needs constant confirmation.  Once she got a job and was comfortable, I had to remind myself of why I knew I had to leave.  Look past the resentment and dig deep as to why I knew it was right because I hadn't visited it in so long.  During that time, she needed that confirmation because of her anxiety.  Until I could find that reason again, I fed her falsities.  I know that's not right, but this was an every other day thing.

Stay in the guestroom. Stop using anyone for sex when you have no intention of staying.  

- As MissCanuck said, the romance is all but dead.  She's chalked it up to "That's just who we are."  

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was she physically ill/on disability? Was she laid off/on unemployment? Don't string anyone along. Sever your unfortunate cohabitation ties and end it.

- She quit her job because they cut hours so much that she lost her benefits and couldn't afford much of anything on that wage.  She wanted to take time to find the best job for her at a good wage and work on her mental health.  I signed up for it being all me.  When I took a second job, she spiraled out of control and took her a fair amount to get back on track.  She's much better now mentally and is now working.

My caring for her got myself here.  She feels we're stronger for having gone through it, I feel we're weaker because I've lost my voice due to unfulfilled needs and lack of independence. 

 

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The latter, but I think you already know this. 

Right.  Thinking to myself typing this out was kind of confirmation in and of itself.  I'm in such dire straights financially though that it's almost tempting to stay so that I do get that help, even though I know it's the wrong thing to do.  I don't want to prolong the relationship, I just want the help really.

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What exactly did she need you to do? And why was she out of work for so long? 

It sounds like you've been her caretaker over the last couple years and the romance is effectively gone. You know what you need to do here. 

She's a very anxious person and has big bouts of depression.  That kind of explains both.  Her anxiety keeps her awake and while she knows I need the sleep, she can't help it sometimes.  A bad week may give me 20 hours of sleep for the work week while others will be 30+ hours.

I don't mind playing caretaker, I thrive on bringing people joy.  I just struggle on being heard when it comes to me.  And it's not like we haven't worked on it.  If we had trouble stating a need, we wrote it on a white board until we felt comfortable saying it plainly.  When those needs stopped being met, especially when she'd recite them back to me, I felt as though there was no point of even talking about my needs anymore, no matter how big or small they were.

I've pushed back a lot of feelings and emotions to make sure she was in the right place and I know it put me in the wrong place for myself.  I think I need a therapist to sort some of this stuff out.

Thank you for your response.  Sometimes you just need to say it out load to know how messed up it really sounds.

Realistically I should get another job, pay down my debts, and work on me.  Then find someone better for me.

Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time.

I've been in a relationship for far too long and I know it's something I want to get out of.  Long story short, my girlfriend of 5 years has been unemployed for 2 and a half of those years and I've had to bear the weight.  It goes without saying there's an amount of resentment that builds no matter who you are, but I've talked about smalls things she could do to help me out through those years (she's very needy, so I simply asked to give me space from time to time.  Helping with the dogs, we have 3 dogs and taking care of them and her financially/physically can get exhausting.  Helping me get to sleep at a decent hour, there've been many days she needed me so much, I'd only get 4 hours of sleep before work.), and she was unable to keep any of those promises on a regular basis.  I know personally it's hard for me to ask for anything, but I didn't make it a secret these were important to me after a while.  There were moments the issue would come up naturally and she'd point it out herself.  Suffice to say I have reasons outside of that resentment.

Here's where we stand now.  Because of financial hardships, the house has gone to crap.  Over the past 2 years, I was able to help her get the mental help she needed and find a job she loves to start helping out financially.  I told myself I'd stay until the time this took place because I genuinely want her to succeed and have the help she needs.  She's willing to help out financially now because she thinks I'm staying with her.  I don't feel this is the right thing to do, but that would help me out a lot.  Is her help a reason I should stay, or is it just an excuse to prolong this relationship?