I am new to the forum but I thought I would try this community out and see if I can get some helpful advice. My now ex-girlfriend and I have dated for about 11 months and we recently broke up. It was a month-long heartbreaking journey and I feel like there are still loose ends to be resolved so I was wondering if this wonderful community can give me advice. Here is the background first:
My GF and I have been dating since September of last year during her senior year in college. It was her last semester and she was to travel outside of the country for about 7 months after graduating before she was going to come back to the states to start her career. We knew what we were getting ourselves into and both took the risk of starting a long distance relationship after being together for a short period of time. During this time away, she just spent time with her family split between Korea and Russia (she is not originally from the USA) and prepared for her career. So pretty much we dated about 3 months in person and 7 months of long distance.
During this time, both long distance and in-person, we were clicking every single time. We were well balanced and gave each other much needed comfort and emotional support. However, with most relationships, there were times where we clashed in personalities. There were times where I didn't consider her unique position of not telling her family about us, which really didn't bother me at that time (This issue will come up later in the story). There were times where she would have to constantly repeat little things she has already said. And there were also times where I would miscommunicate due to a language barrier (we mainly spoke in her native language, which I am not very fluent in). I felt at the time these were common issues couples face and I figured we had ironed out our problems because we continued our long distance relationship.
Fast forward several months in June and we are now in our 6th month of our long distance relationship. All of a sudden, she becomes distant. She doesn't reply to my texts, we are not facetiming as often. So naturally, I ask her if there is something bothering her. She told me that she needed time for herself. I respected her wishes and gave her the space she wanted. During this time-off of no contact, I believed that she was getting stressed out with not being able to find a job, especially a month before she was scheduled to come back to the states. Then a week later, she texted me and said she felt better and less stressed. We were texting like nothing even ever happened.
Not even two days later, I make the dreaded language barrier communication error mistake and I guess she was getting frustrated at this point with my lack of communication skills in a language that I am not 100% comfortable with. She again acted cold but not in the same way as the first time she wanted space and time for herself. So again, naturally, I ask her why she is acting this way, but this time I also ask the question of why she cannot come and see me after months of being apart (PREFACE!! We had agreed earlier in around May that because she can’t tell her family about us, it was going to be hard for her to visit me at my current location because she was going to be with her family in the States for about 2 months). I figured after being months apart, she wouldve at least changed her mind and come up with some sort of excuse to come and see me. I told her that she wasnt putting enough effort into the relationship and that is when she exploded and said those were extremely hurtful words, especially since I agreed on not meeting her until she was away from her family. I guess my constant pestering and bickering about the situation did not help. This was also the time when she brought up lack of comminication skills and her frustration of me not understanding things on the first tome. In the end, her perspective was that my lack of understanding of her situation and constant pestering was another form of stress in the long distance. Mind you, this all happened about 4 days before her flight back to USA. We again after this huge argument and agreed not to speak for another few days.
During this time again of her not wanting to talk with me, i kept telling her how I was sorry and shouldve been more understanding. And all this time, I didnt realize how much my shortcomings were being burdensome for her and that I will try and be more understanding. Days later when she is going to the airport she tells me ok and that she is about to board the plane. I figured this additional short break was good for both her and I and told her that “thank you for your understanding and to text me when you land” when she landed, she didnt text me back until the next morning. In my mind at this point was “why is she acting like this again and not wanting to talk..is it that hard to tell someone they landed?”
With all of this frustration pent up inside of me, I told her through text that we should break up. This was not what I wanted but i felt at the time that this is what she wanted because she was being very cold and inattentive, which she was never like. She was always the instigator, the one that would always want to do things. So out of all this frustration I told her lets end things. In hindsight, she didnt want to end things, and me saying lets end it was again hurtful to her.
Her words were “How could a couple of weeks of me acting different because I was going through personal issues and i problems with life be the deciding factor for me to end the relationship. I went through so many measures to keep this relationship going to understand you and to work things out, but I never wanted to cross the line of breaking up.”
My response was “How could I have known any of this if this is what it takes for you to tell me all of this. I cant do the guessing game. Im sorry, i shouldnt have said lets break up. Lets just take a break.” Her final response was “ i am just not good enough at expressing my feelings and I hoped that you were more understanding of this. But I agree lets take a break until things get better." So we agreed on a month long break in the middle of july until at least she is away from her family. Then, We had no contact for another 10 days until I couldnt stand my regret of telling her lets break up. So i reached out to her….
She told me that only hurtful words and memories were in her head and that as more time passes on, she cannot think of any of the good times we had. I again asked her for her forgiveness and hoped she would change her mind. Days later, she tells me she is tired of this back and forth and that we should break up. After about a month of constant heartache and confusion, we are now broken up, with all of this done through texting most of the time and no face-to-face interaction.
So here is my question:
She has some of her stuff at my house. She asked if I could send her stuff (clothes and shoes). There are more small furniture but she said I can keep these things. Now in my mind, because I think there are so many loose ends, especially since we texted during all of this, I feel like in about a month when I can get to her stuff at my house, she would hopefully have a change in mind. Like I said, she is always the type to be the instigator and always needs someone there to support her emotionally and physically. Maybe this month off will have her miss the good times we shared. Maybe if I show up to her doorstep and deliver her stuff directly and we get to see each other, things will change. What is everyone’s thoughts on this? Should I wait during this month and then show up to her place with her stuff (she will be miles away from her family at this point and will live 4 hours from my place)? I am fine with the idea of driving 4 hours to give her stuff back. If she takes me back so be it, if she doesn't so be it as well. I just felt that ending a relationship over the phone is the worst thing anyone can do and talking about it in person may end things differently. She never gave me the chance to talk about it in person, and my thought is, with the time apart and me being able to see her again and talking about, things may be different.
Thank you everyone..