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JyPark

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  1. I meant the rude/mean/passive aggressive things I type. (I guess maybe, I should learn not to type things I wouldn't want to say out loud either. I don't think anyone deserves to be talked to passive aggressively or be mean to) I don't have the capacity to say those things out loud. One good takeaway from my relationship is that I can talk to other people about my feelings, I can talk about my pain. For the longest time, I had only had my therapist to talk to about my feelings, but now I feel like I can talk to other people in my life about it. Maybe not to the same depth or degree as a therapist but I'll work my way there eventually, I'm sure. What do you consider her then? I'm unfamiliar with the lingo of essentially a cyber relationship. The purpose of my blog was just for me, not an audience. To just be an outlet to express myself for myself. I never cared if some stranger followed me or read my posts. Generally, it's just something I post to get out frustrations, post uplifting things when I feel down in the dumps, posting about my stress about school, etc. Essentially venting without having to find an actual person to vent to y'know? But yeah, definitely no more cryptic messages.
  2. I do imagine it quite entertaining to read the ramblings of an ex.
  3. Yeah, no definitely. I know it was petty and immature of us to post to each other that way. Probably why moving forward, I know I probably can't do a cyber relationship, maybe not even long distance. I can be much different showing my bad sides via text than I can via person lol. I don't have the capacity to say the things I type out loud for the most part. It's not how I'd ever speak to someone in person, I mean. My boss who I'm close with (probably a bad idea to tell her my personal drama but she kept pushing) pushed me into talking about my breakup and it was a good experience. Like many of you said, I rushed in too quickly before I even met this person and not that she was all bad but I need to realize my worth and my boss really helped point out that I'm still young and I have a really bright future and career. I can't let one person mess that up for me. She was brought into my life to teach me a lesson for the next partner I have and I'll be even stronger in the next relationship. And I value that lesson, and her -- I always will. We just weren't right for each other, no matter how much both of us wanted it to work. Thank you for this. I think I just needed to hear the same consensus multiple times to get it into my head.
  4. Thank you for that. I'll stop posting on that blog. I deleted her from most of the social media that we use together except for one. I left her on there in case I ever wanted to reach out to be friends (she said I have to reach out to her), I'm still not sure if I want to be friends with her in the future but I just didn't want to close the door until I was sure.
  5. Yeah, I understand. I think I just jumped into it so quickly because: I've never been interested in having a relationship (hence, 28 and never had a bf/gf) until I met her so I thought it must have meant something that I was so into her despite me talking to hundreds of people and making friends online over the years. I have always been in the mindset that my career came first, and she made me start thinking there was more to life than just a career. She made me want to be a better person (moreso than usual) and I was willing to go out of my comfort zone so much for her. Like I said, all these firsts made me go crazy because no one has ever made me feel that way. We always had this really strong emotional connection and I thought that had to mean something. I know it's immature of me to think this way, I just wished I could go back and approach the relationship from everything I learned post-break up. Is that pathetic of me?
  6. Noted 😞 . It was hard because borders was closed from COVID and we just kept getting closer until I just had to ask her out. Otherwise we would have met sooner. Live and learn, I guess.
  7. I tried to understand from her point of view and she's been through past trauma from previous relationships that my lie about the ex was a big deal for her and I totally understand why she feels angry at me for that. She doesn't understand my point of view though and called me a liar. So no matter what it's done. Every time we talked before NC, she kept saying we can try at friendship and I don't know if I want to be friends with someone that sees me as a liar, untrustworthy, etc. I know it's not the end of the world. I'm just so used to running to her and telling her how my day is or how I'm feeling and it's so hard that I don't have that person anymore. I'm not a social person, I'm in med school so I don't have time like other people my age. I'm also a homebody so it's more difficult for me -- like I don't really do social media or social events aside from school. But thank you for your kind words. I needed that. I know how immature it is that we're both kind of posting to each other over our blogs. I already realized that when I was first posting here. We're both immature and maybe that's because we're both hurt and pain makes you do immature things or maybe I'm just an immature person. I know emotionally, I'm immature -- I have no experience at all to build from. I keep people at a distance from me emotionally in order to not get hurt so when I got with her and let down my walls, I told her everything. (aside from the bf thing). And it felt so great to be able to tell someone whatever I wanted. My friends irl, I just never felt that kind of closeness with them. I don't share emotions with friends irl, I just don't let people get close enough to me to see that side of me.
  8. No, we were planning on meeting this summer. I guess part of me just kept hoping she'd change her mind. I have no experience to build from, but I thought that people that break up get back together sometimes. I know there's 2 camps where people say it's possible and the other says you broke up for a reason. I had always thought for me personally, as long as the other person can change, it can be fixed if both really wanted to work at it (or try to fix it) Never met in person, just video call/messaging. We're both 28. Nope. Plan was this summer if borders opened. We were dating but have been friends/acquaintances for about 4 years. Thank you for this. I was being straight aggressive because I was upset about the break up. I didn't know she read it. Once I found out she read my blog, I've done nothing but apologize for problems I contributed to. Thank you everyone. It's just so hard to move on. I know break ups happen all the time. Long term relationships. Ours wasn't even long term and I guess since this is my first relationship, it's hard for me to let go because I thought she was so important to me, and I thought I was so important to her. Like I know there's no chance she'll try to fix this... but I don't know why I keep having a sliver of hope even though logically, there's no way.
  9. She broke up with me about a month ago and it’s been about 2 weeks of NC. We both have tumblrs but she doesn’t really use hers. When we were going through our rough patch, I posted there a lot with inspirational quotes or self-love quotes. I was feeling very insecure. I don’t know if she was reading them at that point or not. When she did break up with me I went straight to my tumblr to start word vomiting everything in my head about how I was feeling. (The stuff you don’t usually say out loud because your mind is a dangerous place). I was angry, I was sad, I was broken. I had gone 1 week NC and I decided since at that point we still hadn’t met yet (borders closed because of covid) there really wasn’t any harm in asking for one more chance – so I wrote a really long heartfelt message listing my shortcomings, how I know the break up had to happen, how I wanted to work on myself. How I wanted her back after I had time to work on myself. She said there was no chance for us to get back together. Her original reasoning for the break up was that she underestimated her ability to be able to do LDR, though she’s been in LDR before. After the break up, I told her I lied to her about having a boyfriend before. (I know this was wrong, my reasoning at the time was she really hurt me before 5-6 years ago when we were friends (my first heartbreak) and I didn’t want her to know how much our loss of friendship affected me. I wanted to make it seem like I was doing perfectly fine without her in my life and hence, my lie, which I still know was very wrong to do but I can’t change that). She said she can’t trust me anymore either so that’s why there’s no chance. If there’s no trust, then her feelings aren’t going to return. I didn’t know she still read my blog but I checked and she posted something a bit passive aggressive so I confronted her and asked her why she was reading my blog? She simply said sorry and she won’t read it anymore. I believed that because she made a big spiel about how honesty mattered. (She also said all she could offer was friendship – but all the hurtful things she said to me, how I can’t be trusted, how I’m so good at lying, etc, I don’t see how we could be friends if that’s how she views me). I continued posting my usual feelings, quotes, etc. At that point, despite her saying no chance, I still had hope. A sliver. July 4th weekend I woke up and checked her blog and she posted something extremely mean to me and it made me feel terrible. I then posted on my own blog and she deleted her post and later posted saying she wasn’t sure if I even checked her blog anymore and she doesn’t care that I post because it doesn’t affect her at all. At that point, I just couldn’t deal with posting so I just stopped and did other things to pass the time and try to heal. I was still sus of her checking my blog so I looked at the traffic to my blog. (A few friends read it occasionally) and yep, she’s still checking my blog to see if I post, nearly every day or every other day. I didn’t post for the past 2 weeks but I felt like I was in a better place to start posting again. I deleted the negative/me pining over a lost love kind of posts because it wasn’t productive to me to keep seeing it. I posted about becoming a better me and I pinned a quote that I have always believed to be true that we all deserve someone who thinks we’re too important to lose. I want that in a future partner. I saw that day she scrolled through my blog, maybe trying to find the posts I deleted of me saying I loved her or what not. The next day, I posted a podcast I listened to about relational self awareness. I learned so much listening to this podcast. I listened to it at least 4 times over the past week. (I’ve been listening to a lot of self improvement, relationship improvement podcasts) It was powerful. She checked my blog again, this time for longer so I’m not sure if she actually listened to the podcast or not. But now that’s messing with me. Why is she checking if she says she has no feelings for me anymore? Should I stop posting again? I just don’t know what to do – I’m the only one in my family that’s been broken up with that’s a girl so it’s hard to have someone to empathize with how I’m feeling or help me through this break up. This is my first relationship, and though it didn’t last very long, it was very intense for me because of all these firsts. I wish I could post the entire story so someone can just talk to me as a 3rd party but it’d be soo long. But I’m willing to message someone about it if they’re willing to listen.
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