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FF-lawyer last won the day on December 27 2020

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  1. You are all right, very very right. I will move on. Thank you all!!
  2. @maritalbliss86: I don’t know if he can be that asset... I only know he is not right now. That story really sounds similar to my situation, unfortunately. @LaHermes: life IS really short and the worst thing is that this is the motto I’ve been living by my entire life, constantly chasing all my dreams, and I am not following it right now. This is very unnatural behavior from me. My friends also think this is unusual. @bluecastle: I feel like it was the dynamic we had the first 4 years actually. But this was before he began gradually having problems, so that might not count. Maybe th
  3. @boltnrun and Jibralta: I see, thanks. I do have reasons to believe that he can’t be trusted to take the reins, but I am unsure of my own assessment, as I tend to be a but harsh on people. I hesitated in the last 2 years, I know, but I was so happy that he moved to me 1.5 years ago that I wanted to make things work no matter what. Being with him everyday was just overwhelmingly great, despite a boatload of issues, and it took a VERY long time to give it up. @bluecastle: honestly, as proud as I am of my own achievements, I don’t want to be with someone who is “lost”. What I would like is s
  4. Thanks all for your great insights! “Standing here on the sidelines, my heart breaks a bit for both of you, as you're missing out on knowing the expansive, almost overwhelming form of comfort that comes from respecting your partner and he's missing out on the similar form of comfort that comes from feeling respected for exactly who he is. This is just me, and my own belief system, but I think people thrive and come into themselves most authentically when they feel respected, not when they feel like respect is a carrot on a stick that will come if they run fast enough to snag it.“ I g
  5. “Do you really think, truly, that you could do something that would make your loved ones lose respect for you and you honestly would be clueless about such a huge mistake that could result in that? Really??” No, I don’t think that at all, I was simply answering the question in the event that I’m screwing up and I am clueless. He does seem clueless though, as he was shocked when his psychologist told him that his relationship with his parents is not healthy and that he is being a doormat. He was also not aware that he is not able to make decisions despite him being stuck for 7 yea
  6. If he told me (or if my parents told me) that he had a lot of respect for me 8 years ago and that he doesn’t have any respect for me anymore, I would think that I did something terribly wrong and I would analyse what went wrong in my life, why I acted in a way that people lost respect for me, and apply the necessary corrective actions. I would not necessarily feel inspired, but I would also not feel judged or under pressure at all, I would appreciate that someone is honest enough to tell me that I’m screwing up. I would prefer that than continue to screw up without awareness of the situation.
  7. @Batya33: oh I was referring to your reply “I don't think it's abuse at all for parents to do the best to help their child be independent and reasonably secure." to say that they did not help him become independent when he was a child. Of course I did not know him when he was a child but given what they are doing still now, I’m assuming it was like that or worse when he was a child. I have also heard a lot of stories of his childhood (told by him or his parents) which clearly indicated that they were not raising him to be independent. I of course agree that this is on him, as I said mult
  8. @Batya33: he never acts mean or like a jerk, but he does shut down a lot. The specifics would be mostly setting strict boundaries with his parents and following through/not feeling guilty after doing so (saying no and not complaining about it to me afterwards basically), not shutting down whenever anything unpleasant happens (being able to discuss concerns without him being overwhelmed to the point of not hearing anything anymore and/or feeling attacked, or if he feels that he is going to get overwhelmed, to clearly say so instead of shutting down). I also do think that these issues take quite
  9. Well, I focused this post on what I am doing wrong, not him (after all, I can only change myself), but yes, I am very aware of his issues. I am aware that he does not have any coping mechanisms (no healthy one at least - his default coping mechanism is avoidance/escape), he has difficulties controlling his negative emotions most of the time (be it sadness, fear, regret or stress), he is unable to set any boundaries with his parents, he is a massive people-pleaser to the point of putting other people’s happiness over his (his parents even explicitly told him that their happiness is more importa
  10. @bluecastle: I don’t have that impulse with anyone but him! I’m thinking out loud here but when I think about it, I personally don’t share my issues with him or anyone unless the situation is really extreme (but that happens so rarely, maybe that happened once during the course of our relationship - in general I guess I just rarely have issues at all, I don’t know) and then I am looking for solutions, not emotional support. I guess I’m trying to replicate what I would like him to do in my position. The fact that he cries a lot also makes my impulse to provide solutions much worse, because it
  11. Which goes back to the point that I’ll just step back from his issues and he can deal with them in the way and pace he wants. I definitely think that he leans too much on me for his issues and I try too much to solve them. Thanks everyone for your insights!
  12. @reinventmyself: will do! @wiseman2: for the first 6.5 years I was actually very close to his family and liked them a lot (didn’t think I was superior at all!), we used to visit them all the time. Basically I was considered a part of the family. It’s in the last 1+year (basically since he told them he is moving to me) that they have gotten really mean to him, me, and us, and my ex-boyfriend has been very unhappy with them, fought a lot with them, cried a lot, so I’ve gotten gradually angry at them. I’m not saying their background is wrong, I never said that, I’m saying that their treat
  13. @reinventmyself and Jibralta: you know, I have thought about that option so many times over the past 1+ year and never bit the bullet by fear of stagnation/things going horribly wrong but you have convinced me, I will so do that!! That might actually be the radical change that we need. Thank you for your advice! @Batya33: I don’t like being the leader in the relationship (but love it in my professional life) so per reinventmyself’s advice/opinion, I will stop being the leader and see what happens.
  14. @Jibralta: he is definitely leaning way too much on me for his problems. We have already discussed that and I have pointed out that maybe he could dump a bit more on his psychologist, which he has been doing for the last 2-3 months. I definitely do not want to be that involved (it’s exhausting!) but I want to be there to support him so I don’t want him to feel that he can’t talk to me about his problems either (I was very careful about that when I suggested that he talks more to his psychologist). Again a balance to reach, it seems. No offence taken for your second reply - good enough bal
  15. @smackie9: we have also discussed this but for now I think it would be best for him to stay in his country for a bit to get better (and save money) before moving to a completely new place! But a new place is not off the table in the future. @RoseMosse: I do feel guilty for the misery he has been through since he moved for me. I know it was his decision but I still feel guilty. But his misery has definitely made me miserable as well, and that is what prompted me to break up, as I couldn’t take it anymore emotionally. @LaHermes and Wiseman2: you’re definitely right. It doesn’t matter t
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