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Valeriie

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  1. Thank you. I am still trying to figure out how to express things like that but you put it well. I just didn't understand if support in this case was enabling or just allowing him to do what he wants to do. I think I've gotten the answer from all of the replies here though. All of you have definitely helped make this clearer. I tend to be a "don't say anything" or "burn it all down" kind of person and am really trying to express myself and understand that situations and reactions don't have to be black or white. I appreciate your advice, thank you!
  2. Not a chef, he's in car sales. The issue is also this isn't his "career path" he ended up there randomly and has hated it for nearly the entire time he's done it. He doesn't want to do it and doesn't plan on doing it in the future. It wasn't his plan to be there last time either but he is the type that doesn't like change and also likes to punish himself which is what he said he kept him there before. It's also very addictive with the rollercoaster of selling / not selling etc. I've dated other people with high stress jobs (former BF was a pilot) this is not comparable. If he was a surgeon and
  3. These are good points, I think I was just looking for a reason that he was doing what he was doing because it was all so out of control and just beyond comprehension that it seemed there had to be larger reasons for it. He did go to therapy and will be going back once he finds one here. I did encourage it and been there to help him at any point. I just wasn't sure what to do in this situation as I didn't want to enable him or put myself into a situation that was bad from an objective observer. Being IN it skews your perspective and loving him and not wanting him to get himself back into a se
  4. Him working this job fit all the descriptions of work addiction. https://www.healthline.com/health/addiction/work#symptoms He was a 5/always on the diagnosis scale for every question.
  5. That's what he is telling me. I was just not sure how to handle it since I am so against him going back at all. It sounds like it should be a wait and see and then decide if I want to continue with him.
  6. "But the cheating -I don't see where you have any assurances he wants to be loyal and faithful to you - you kinda glossed over this part - curious!" I honestly believe him when he said the cheating was a symptom of the job. He was nothing like what you describe about your jobs, he was deep in it, hated it and hated himself while he was doing it. It was mentally bad for him, he calls it the worst time of his life. He was sickly, skinny, not eating or sleeping just working like a zombie. He had a lot of issues he never dealt with so he used work to punish himself rather than deal with the i
  7. He wasn't like that at the beginning for the first 1 or 2 years and returning now he seems to have improved as well. He had a lot of his own stuff to work on, which is also part of how he ended up in such a job. I do see improvement and going away and starting therapy really did make a huge difference. I am just paranoid going back to that job will slide him right back into old behaviors. Addicts can get clean when they change their lives but its easy to slide back into addiction when you are in the same environment is my thinking... I did consider he was toxic probably right around w
  8. The USA! Corporations here know very well how to treat employees badly but also not subject themselves to lawsuits. He's also working in sales which is much different than a regular 9-5 office job.
  9. I would never seen him, when I do he is angry / agitated and extremely tired. He developed anxiety and depression from working there which doesn't ever help in intimate relationships and served to push me away even more. We coudn't make any short term plans/do anything fun because work would always interfere and take precedence. He worked 830-9/10pm and would go in on his days off as well. We were never able to make long term plans because he wouldn't leave the job. We our sex life became pretty close to non-existent. It affected our relationship 100% and just got more extreme and wo
  10. He moved in with me when he returned from being out of the country. Neither of us supports each other. Our goal is to move together to his home country. He's been here 20 years and we go there every summer, he was able to go this year to decompress from the toxic job as well as spend a lot of time with family and in therapy there. I fully trust what he did there. We would have left to move there previously but he couldn't leave his toxic job. That is my question, I'm not trying to manage his career / job. From both our perspectives it was very toxic/abusive, it was akin to being with som
  11. I have been in a relationship with my BF for 5 years. For the entire relationship he was working in a very toxic environment which fed into his addictive qualities, he worked long hours, was constantly under huge amounts of stress, went in on days off, HATED the job but could not leave. (He ended up there when he left an abusive relationship and grew up with an abusive father). The culmination of all his misery and self loathing was getting involved with a co-worker right before the pandemic. She was from what he says, an abuser too and threatened him. I knew he was in a very bad place wh
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