heartsnspades

Update: 

As I’ve talked to close friends, some who knew I was struggling with this and some who didn’t, I’m feeling confident I’m making the right decision and that I also have a strong support system behind me. A hard pill to swallow was that, while it seems like my boyfriend is Mr. Right and I had a “perfect” relationship, the reality is that I didn’t. I am obviously not having my needs met, and the fact that the idea of marriage to this man as never appealed to me, he’s unfortunately not the one. I’m becoming more comfortable with the uncertain future once I make the break, and  confident in my ability to handle it. 
 

thanks all!

48 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, it happens.  Especially when you're this young. Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

You only being 24 and been involved w/ him for 7 years.  You're ready to venture out again, feel some freedom and spread your wings.  That's okay 🙂 .

Since you've been feeling this for a couple years, I say it's time to stop beating around the bush and be honest and make your break.

Maybe plan out all you want to say on paper, like a letter, so you won't fumble or go blank ( like I do, lol).  Plan a day, where you two can be calmly together and have a 'heart to heart'.

Look around for an apt for yourself or even rent a room off a friend, etc?  And inform him you will be packing to move out in maybe ... 2 months? ( kinda like how you do it when moving from an actual apt/home- we usually give 60 days notice).

I am just thinking along the lines of respect, not just up & out in a week - up to you.

Expect him to be hurt.  But you can't be made out to feel any 'guilt'.  Of course, I'm sure you will.  And do you have your own bank acct?  is best you do this.

Like I said, he will hurt and it's normal ( the grief process), he'll need to lean on his own family & friends for this.  As it was a LTR, so emotions will be present.

But, for sure, is best to admit how you feel & be honest.  It is your life & you know it.

Good luck!  Spread your wings again 😉 

This is advice I was looking for, how to manage the time line of the breakup. I was wondering if my boyfriend would be okay with an extended deadline to leave, because I don’t want to be out of each others lives within a week either. I want to support him along with myself because this break will cause financial and stability strains on both of us. 

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's difficult because you have spent most of your young adult lives together and there's nothing glaringly wrong. However you've been wrestling with this for almost the entire relationship:

 

Oh my god, I remembered I posted on ENA in the past but I didn’t realize it was five years ago…. I really have been living with this for so long. Part of it is because many people in my life constantly comment on how “healthy” and “amazing” my relationship must be, because on the outside and on paper it does appear to be that way. No one really knows I struggle with wanting independence. So in a way I feel like I’ve gaslit myself into thinking this is what I should stick with because it’s easier than the break. Covid also made being in a domestic partnership really appealing…. Seeing that old post is extremely eye opening 

I’m mainly posting to ask for advice and experiences people may have for leaving a long term relationship. I am feeling 90% confident this is the right decision for me, but of course doubt is settling in and it’s a very difficult decision I’m about to make. 

Background about my current 7 year relationship: My boyfriend and I (both 24) have been together since high school. We moved in together two years into the relationship, and have been living together since. We’ve moved twice, bought furniture together, vacation with each others families, adopted a cat, etc etc. Our lives are incredibly ingrained with each other’s, and no one else I know around my age has a relationship like mine. 

I’ve been struggling with the idea of staying in this relationship for a couple years now, and most of that struggle is in my own personal desire. My boyfriend probably is one of the best partners out there, he’s understanding and accepts me as my own person. The issues I have in our relationship are not faults on his end, but are things that clash with my deep inner independence. He’s the kind of person who’s completely content to spend the rest of days together, buy a house and start a family. He wants to give in fully and be lifelong partners, which I admire greatly. But I long for the freedom that comes without ties in a relationship. I’m really tired of having to report to someone where I’m going, having to set aside time for another person. And of course, not feeling as strongly about him as I used to. There are adventures I want to plan for myself, and the idea of having a person at home “missing me and being lonely” without me feels suffocating. But unfortunately these adventures are not something I want to share with company, I truly feel like I need to go on my own way. I simply am running out of energy to share a life with another person 24/7. 

And I can’t lie, there’s a desire to meet others. I come across many connections that fall short, because I have boundaries put up so I don’t disrespect my partner. Not always in romantic senses, but all those last minute getaways with friends or allowing myself to become comfortable around new people are going by without me. 

I know I’m outgrowing him, but when we’re together it’s so incredibly comfortable and nothing seems wrong when I spend time with him. Until lately, where the idea of my life passing before my eyes is consuming me. But the thought of breaking up, figuratively shooting my self in the foot and letting go of the comfortable lifestyle we’ve built is really scary. Our lives are so entangled that it wouldn’t just be a breakup, it’d feel like a divorce and would change my entire lifestyle. However, I’ve recently spent time away from him doing things I love and spending quality time with others and I never felt so good about myself. I felt like I was unlocking a potential within myself I never knew before. I can’t ignore the feelings of wanting to separate from him anymore, like I said it’s been brewing inside for years. I’ve accepted I think, that if I leave I may not find this again. But at a certain point I’m not going to be treating him fairly because our relationship is not my priority anymore. 

I’m curious if anyone has stories to share about similar experiences and what they did immediately after breaking up, how did they support themselves or how did they plan for it.