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Everything posted by thisisrichey

  1. yeah you have no say over what he does. eveybody has a right to do as they please and what works for them. you especially have ZERO say on what he does when you're not with him. lastly, by asking him not to, it actually puts the power in HIS corner to do so - see what i mean? act like you don't care - then dont' care if he does. then the power is back in your court (and most likely he won't do it).
  2. kiss her. you want to. she wants to. she's looking for a man - who won't be so easily scared from desiring her. in a way by NOT kissing her its like you don't want her enough and are allowing all these trivial things from desiring her - see? she's looking for a man. so man up or leave.
  3. nevr ever show up or do anythign "unannounced" or by surprise! that crap works in movies but NEVER works in real life - it's SUPER CREEPY!!! i would let this guy go. you're only bf/gf, and it's only 2 yrs, and yet he's talking children and using the possibility of children as a "weapon" against you to gt you to act certain ways? enh. move on. lastly.. telling him your "feelings" won't change his mind. what about telling him your "feelings" will say more than you being with him for 2 years?????
  4. beware of any man that gives flowers and reads poetry... things do not usually go well with such men (that do this in the early stages). trust me on that one.
  5. Ok well firstly - your motivations are ALL wrong. I get that you're friends but you need to let go of this idea about "what people think of you." To want to tell her first so she has a favorable opinion of you and hears your side first is the COMPLETE wrong approach to all of this. Especially with your ex's FAMILY members. That being said - yes of course it's fine for you to tell her that you and he are no longer together (that is a FACT, not an opinion). The better way to appraoch this is to stick to the facts, and not opinion - and let the person decide what they want to decide on facts - not who did a better "sell job" to win her opinion over as to who was good or bad. AFTER ALL, YOUR version of the story is probably YOUR perspective and subjective anyway. That's just human nature. So. keep to the facts. It's okay to be open. But don't turn this into a he said/she said match to win favors or to "look better" - that's completely inappropriate at ANY time to be driven by that. Learn to let "what peopel think of you" go. Trust me you'll be glad you did.
  6. ah hah.. the "nice person syndrome".. yes tha'ts you. you give give give too readily that you get taken for granted and that becomes your identiy, "the person that will give you wahtever you want for nothing.." I used to be this way. Many people have been that way before. So yes... you need to think for #1. You need to make sure any/every interaction is like a transaction.. "what's in it for me? is there enough in this for me to do this?" Now while it is good and we all do volunteer to do things for other people - do it because you genuinely want to do it for them and becuse you enjoy it. How do you know if this is true? Very simple. If they never give anything back to you after that - will it bother you or are you good? If you're good - you're donig it because you want to and are happy to. If it will bother you - you're doing it to 'win them over' and gain favor back (or "ingratiate them back to you"). The latter is a no-no. So.. here are the things you will start doing NOW to turn this ALL around the other way (I nkow.. I did them. I've made the change.. and it works!): 1. Only ever volunteer to do something for somebody else because you SINCERELY want to do it - aka.. if they never "pay it back" to you no problem. In fact, you never even thought of wanting them to pay you back for it! 2. Even with #1 above, catch yourself and force yourself to sometimes STOP yourself from volunteering to do somethign for somebody .. JUST to practice saying "no" until it's 2nd nature. VERY IMPORTANT! 3. Start to see things as a transaction and make sure "what's in this for me" is satisfied before you do it - don't do it an hope/expect payback later. You will be SHOCKED (I was!) just how cool people are about it when you say "no" and how they don't hate you, look badly upon you, and how quickly they move on about it. aka.. "wow.. it actually wasn't a real big deal to them I said 'no'.. " Youl will be SHOCKED at how peopel on't automatically see you as a bad horrible person simply because you said "no" and aren't volunteering to help out so much. (I myself hardly ever volunteer to help much at all now, once in a while i do it because it's the right thing to do.... and it's never wrong to do the right thing...). But realize, there aren't that many times when "its the right thing to do" b/c most things just AREN'T nearly as big of a deal as you think (when you're in "nice, winning them over" mode). You will be SHOCKED at how people instead, start to do for YOU instead! (yes. part of this is to start asking for help from others.... for sure... but don't abuse this.. just when you truly could use the help). Sounds crazy doen'st it? It isn't. Give it a shot and stick to it for a while and you'll see.
  7. Why do you want the traditional college experience? And why can't you do that at 23? Wait a second. I'm confused. You "want the traditional college experience" and your plan is to EVENTUALLY transfer to a 4-yr college - yet you think graduating at 27 is "too old". Which is it? You are putting together impossible standards here. A traditional 4-yr college experience will take 4 yrs (if not more) - and even longer if you go thru community college or jr college first. My best advice to most people is this (because they all do what you are doing here) - STOP COMING UP WITH THE ANSWERS/SOLUTIONS BEFORE YOU ASK THE QUESTIONS/KNOW THE ISSUE! In other words.. stop coming up with your answer before you even define what it is that you want! Why do you want to go to college? What do yo uhope to get out of college? What are the options that would fulfill those things you want to get out of college? Be as specific as you can on each answer! Once we know that - then we can tell you what your best fit is. EX 1. I want to go to college so I am able to be a qualified candidate for jobs in the X sector while I pursue my career to ultimately become a Z. EX 2. I want to go to college to experience the full college experience and explore some studies and areas I have been curious about and help me figure out what i want for a job or career. EX 3. I want to build a career as fast as I can (optionally: "in the X industry") EX 4. I want to find the most financially frugal way to get started in a long term career (optionally "in the X industry") What is it that you are trying to accomplish and solve here? Your "mission statement"? Without that you are shooting at blanks and will have far less probability of actually solving your problem or goals. So start there! College is not the only avenue available to build social skills. And you may find that undergrad college would not be the best conducive envrionment for a 23 yr old to build "social skills" since it's emphasis is on academic learning (too much studying and learning with people 5 yrs your younger). Instead you can go to events, classes, conventions on this - or even just go volunteer or join activity clubs to build social skills. To figure out how to be admitted into any institution, contact their admissions office and ask them what is required and what are their typical or expected standards for gaining admission to their institution. Each college or university is different so identify the ones you are interested in and contact them and find out. (the most important part of that is their DEADLINES for applications.. you will want to know that NOW so you dont' have to wait or waste 1 additional year simply because you missed an application deadline). Good luck!
  8. great job! NO CONTACT really is the way to go until you are MENDED and healed and moved on! And you REALLY will know when it happens when you're ok again. As the saying goes.. "if you have to ask.. it hasn't happened yet..."
  9. start ordering more expensive drinks than her and see if she still insists on alternating rounds. If she suddenly drops it - you know what this is about.
  10. if you're end game is to get back into a relationship with her - then walk away .. FAST. Entering into an FWB does not rekindle anythign about a relationsip. Sorry. If you get involved in this manner HOPING to win her over again with a DIFFERENT end goal - you are not only going to get hurt, but you are lying to her by agreeing to an FWB when you know you have no interest in just a FWB. NOT a great way to try and start a relationship - based on a lie to try and manipulate them back to you. Let her go. Or else you're going to get REALLY hurt on this one.
  11. i don't think it's unreasonable and you're being a bit jealous here. He has a co-worker who is also married and committed, and they end up talking about their kids a lot (which MOST parents do when they've recently had kids). whether you realize it or not, YOU yourself probably talk more about your kids than you realize - and if you had somebody to talk about that you see every day and spend 8 hrs with every day and have kids about the same age - you'd be talking to them and about them and about your mutual kid stories CONSTANTLY as well (i know.. i see it all the time amongst parents). So.. yeah.. let this one go. They're talking about KIDS (no other context comes up!) so this is just him being excited and having a good time talking to a colleague he can identify with when it comes to kids and parenting - especially as a recent parent. Find out why you are jealous and resolve that within yourself. There are absolutely ZERO signs of disloyalty here or any interest or potential for disloyalty here (he woudlnt' be talking to you this much about her if he were going to cheat with her, now would he? no cheater ver makes it THAT easy for you to figure out they are cheating and with whom....) let this one go...
  12. If you're going to be with him, you need to trust him. If you can't, you need to break it off and look elsewhere to somebody you can trust. Simple as that. In fact it is unfair for you to hold him hostage over a past that nobody can change (and he can't change). So the choice isn't HIS, it's YOURS. Can you trust him? Great..... let it go and move on. If you can't, let HIM go and move on.
  13. just tell him you have decided not to continue with the fwb and wish him well. that's it. you don't actually owe him an explanation. If he insists on asking it's up to you whether you you want to tell him and what you want to tell him - after all it WAS an FWB. It IS considered "casual" by nature and thus an "at will" situation (aka anybody can leave at any time). This is why people enter into FWB's. Good luck.
  14. No you are not being reasonable. But I'm willing to bet that if you attempted to see if you could re-schedule the dinner - just try - and came back to her and said, "i'm sorry honey.. i did my best to see if we could re-schedule the dinner.. unfortunately some of the other guys had to go thru hoops to make arrangements to come and so we couldn't reschedule it" - I think she'll be okay with it. My guess is - if she sees that you considered her first, did your best to accomodate her, but couldn't because you're being a good friend and not overly inconveniencing your friends (after all.. it WAS scheduled first, you DID tell her ahead of time, and it's harder to reschedule 4 people than 1 person) - i think that's all she can ask for and wants to see. Of course she'd love to get a ride from you but some things are "out of your control." But what IS in your control - was the ability to initially be open to, think of, and attempt to accomodate her first if at all possible - even if it fails. Give that a try and see if that changes her tune. (aka.. females and gf's dont' take kindly to the straight out "no" without trying to accomodate them.... catch my drift?)
  15. ah yes.. the first taste of true independence and new exciting life and friends.. hard to pass up isn't it? You are correct to want to explore, spread your wings and experience the world rather than be tied down and settled - absolutely! So do that! However. If you truly love him and he has always treated you well - that is hard to find and might be gold you don't want to let go of. while I normally poo-poo the idea that anybody has found their lifemate at 14, I also know in today's world that finding genuinely good, sincere, people who treat you well and consistently do - is EXTREMELY RARE!!! My best recommendation to you is to try to make it work while still being your own person and exploring. The healthiest couples have a VERY healthy dose of "me time" and individualism - it isn't the ones who are constantly together and do all the same things (anybody would go MAD doing that for decades!). So try not to let the sincere, sweet, good people escape you. But never stop exploring and strething your boundaries to absorb more. Hopefully in this case you can do both. (aka don't get too enamored and excited with only "shiny new things"... ). If its just a hinderence and you can't get him to stretch and explore to (on his own or with you) - then yeah.. this phase of life is to explore and get out there first and foremost. Good luck and enjoy!
  16. How do you not have a choice? This i do not get. Why would you want to keep or feel you "must" keep her in your life if all she's done is play games with you? Stop being a victim. Own your life. Own your destiny. Choose your path and stop blaming others for it. Cuz this is what you are doing.
  17. how is your case special? we've all been there.. many more will be there in the future.
  18. If you know for sure you will LOVE Job Offer #1 and company and never want to move or leave it, you can then alert Employer #2 that you are withdrawing. But I always recommend to LET other employers pursue you because yo never know what they may offer. What if you took Job #1 and the day before Job #2 is going to make you an offer of double the money, you tell Job #2 "i've decided to go elsewhere"? Why do that to yourself? I can promise that any company out there (including the 2 potential employers you are talking to) are talking to multiple candidates to compare and get the best (or cheapest) person for them and their situation - why can't you do the same? Jobs are not like relationships. It is ok and just expected that if you are looking for a job you are looking and talking to multiple potential jobs. So don't worry about it for now. Just go get every job offer you can and thus pick the best one. Continually receiving job offers ALSO is a terrific negotiations tool to keep your CURRETN employer in check and make sure you get deserved raises and promotions. EX. I doubled my pay in 2 yrs when I came back to IT because i was open and always listening to interested parties who wanted my services. Do you know how long it would take to double your pay if you stayed at the same job with the same company? I dont' think ANYBODY ends up getting double pay in their lifetime if they stay within the same job. Why would i want to keep myself from doubling my pay? The employers need YOU. Make sure they realize that and tatke care of you for letting them have your services. good luck by the way!
  19. there is nothign wrong with being single. AT ALL. Just ask the 5 out of every 10 married couples who divorce if they feel there is anything wrong with being single or how they would feel if they coudl go back and decide to be single or married/divorced again. :) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with being single. EVER!
  20. yes.. phone sex is cheating. it may not be physical betrayel to a partner but it CERTAINLY is mental, emotional, and psychological betrayel to your partner. The golden rule is this: would your partner feel betrayed if you did it in front of them? would you be okay if your partner did the very same thing with somebody else on you? If your partner would feel betrayed if you did it in front of them - it's cheating If you would feel betrayed if your partner did it with somebody else to you - its cheating.
  21. 1. NEVER make your happiness or future dependent upon something else. Always make it about things YOU yourself control. You've now learned this lesson. NEVER forget it again! 2. Why is it hard to have your job nowadays? I understand why it's hard on relationships - but it's not impossible. Why? 3. In the end, you must always do what's right and best for you - not your mother, not a gf, not anybody else. You can already see how impossible and horrible it is to try and build your life with all these dependencies and expectations to appease everybody else - STOP THAT - and only do what's right and best and appeases YOU! (so that means.. your own business.. moving out.. going to school. DO THOSE THINGS! Maybe you can't do them all now, or all at the same time - but DO THOSE THINGS.. not what mom or an ex-gf or a gf wants.). This ties into not comparing yourself to others and trying to live up to or prove yourself to somebody else. STOP. The only person you have to live up to, impress, make happy, and live up to expectations for IS YOURSELF! STOP worrying about everybody else, what they think.... no more! This is YOUR show - not theirs. Not anybody else's. 4. As far as the alone part. That is a natural human being trait - we are social animals. BUT ... there is a difference between wanting and needing social interaction and DEPENDING on it. Again. ONLY DEPEND on you! Don't depend on anything else you can NOT control. The funny thing is - when you start just worrying about yourself, controllling what you can, and live that way - that ends up making you the best version of yourself, thus the most DESIRABLE version of yourself - and that's when the GOOD ONES start being attracted to you. So not only is this a better way to live, and good advice on how to live, it will ACTUALLY get you better and more companionship and a far more active and effective dating/relationship life! 5. Yes.. you DO need to do the hard work of figuring out your life. But it's not as hard and daunting as you may think. Just think of what brings you joy. What makes you smile. What you would do for free and be happy with if we didnt' need money. From those things you can figure out what you're good at and make you happy and make life enjoyable that you can maek a life out of. 6. Lastly.. if you have to beg and plead - then it's not right for you. Anything you have to beg and plead for that somebody else must grant you - is never the right choice or the answer. Back to #1 - NEVER make anythign important to you and to your happiness DEPENDENT upon somebody else. NEVER! Because it's not. anything you can think of that seems dependent upon another can be self-fulfilled if you reogznie what is driving it. "I want her back because it makes me happy" - well. then the need is "your happiness" - not "being with her because it makes you happy" -see what i mean? FIND THE ROOT need - not what you think is the solution to that root need - THEN we can talk about all the things that can fulfill that root need ... THEN you have a list of the things you can do that will take care of it. Pretty easy if you figure that part out and do it that way.
  22. 1. Your gf isn't coing back. When females break-up - it's usually for good. It takes them a long time before they finally decide to break up so once they do - it's over. 2. Who knows about the hotel girl but she's obviously a bad apple so do not pursue anythign with her. 3. It doesn't matter if hotel girl messaged your ex-gf (not sure why she was mad or sent hate mail to her - you're not even her bf anymore). Move on. Make better decisions and choices. Raise the standard on who you decide to get serious about- hopefully more mentally stable and reasonable people. Don't worry about whether your ex- accused you of cheating. You know you didn't. You don't have to prove anything to her. She will believe what she will believe for the reasons she believes them. That's not your concern and you can't change it - don't waste energy on it or her.
  23. Yo do not have to tell any potential employer about any job interviews or job applications you may have elsewhere. That's none of their business. My guess is the "practice" employer is not interested. But it's okay to inquire and ask what the status of it is. continue looking for other options ALL THE TIME and apply and interview. No need to tell anybody else. You do not owe anyting to them (just as you are seeing they dont' feel obligated to you). They haven't committed to you - therefore you have no committment to them or need to ask "for their permission" regarding other opportunities.
  24. Yes.. as a male, I was mentally/emotionally abused by an ex-gf. I also studied DV for many years before that happened to me (over 10+) and it has been something i've continually studied most of my life. Here some things that will hopefully help: 1. Realize that EVERYTHING you are thinking, your doubts, thoughts, fears, etc. - that was ALL part of the abuser programming of the victim's mind. ALL OF IT. Think of it - take any thought you are having (e.g. "i'm afraid i might not ever find better") and I guarantee you if you really think back, you'll notice that your abuser pounded that into your head and repeatedly said that to you. It is no different for every other thing you are thinking, fearing, and concerned and scared about in getting back out there. 2. Realize that because your mind has been altered by your abuser, it will take time to "un-program" your brain back to normal - aka "the way you used to be and think" before you ever met your abuser. To help with this, think a LOT MORE about your past BEFORE you met your abuser or any other abuser you have been with. don't dwell and think about the abusive relaitonhip, but what you were BEFORE you were abused. Most likely you will find a very social, had fun hobbies, had a lot of fun and was very positive and the world couldn't stop you person at some point. That is the REAL you. And the "now you" is how drastically your mind has been re-programmed so that the abuser could keep abusing you. 3. Realize that an unhealthy level of insecurity is the foundation for abuse being successful. It is these same fears (needing to be liked, needing or wanting a relationship, afraid to be alone, afraid to be disliked or thought badly of by anybody) that allowed the abuser to manipulate and program your brain to be conducive to their abusve towards you. If you know that somebody is very insecure about their image - all they have to do is dump constantly on yoru image to make you cower and comply with what they tell you will make you have a better image with them - this is the programming process for abuse. Another example.. if they know you absolutely are afraid to be alone, all they have to do is continuously threaten to leave or do things (like cheat, flirt with other people, etc.) to make you fear them leaving you and you will do even more to keep them (even beg). Again... this is the foundation for programming your brain. Can you get out of this? Yes. Is it difficult and takes a lot of time? Yes. You need to commit and dedicate to the long-haul of re-programming yourself back to get over this. You can not jump back into the "easy comfort zone" of being back with somebody that flatters you and then can easily manipulate your fears again to put you right back into abuse. You must be able to confidently say you no longer fear your insecurities (such as being alone, how people think of you, etc.) Would a professional help you? Immensely yes if you have the ability to see one. In the end: life without fear or worrying about what others think of you, even when they put you down - is fantastic! you own your life again and aren't dependent upon everybody else or your happiness or sense of well being. You do what you want, with whom you want, and enjoy it without a care for criticism by others or judgement. It's a much better way to live and far more stress free. And when you have this type of life in which you are filled with modest confidence (rather than fear and insecurity), you become your most desirable and healthy you - which then attracts the more healthy and desirable mates towards you. Good luck and as a student of DV and former victim - please know you can always hit me up directly at any time with any questions or just to sound off if needed and it would be helpful.. Believe in you like you used to before all of this happened. Rebuild yourself before venturing out to try and find happiness with another. Happiness comes from within, not thru a relationship. Happy relationships happen between 2 happy people - not 2 damaged people. Good luck.
  25. If you're going to go thru life caring about what others think or accuse you of - well.. then you're just going to have to be crazy the rest of your life. If on the other hand, you only give weight to those that are in your inner circle (ex's don't count) and just deflect what everybody else thinks - you'll have a better life. Are you losing your mind? Yes.. for letting your ego/pride get in the way of what others think or accuse you of. YOU know you didn't do it - that should be enough. You dont' have to prove or maintain any image (of honesty, sincerity, etc.) to anybody. You tell him once - "no i did not.. " and if he aint gonna believe it he aint. Screaming at him or hating that he thinks it - won't change his mind once he makes up his mind - RIGHT OR WRONG. let it go.
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