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katy76

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  1. Absolutely! And that’s why I’m so pleased my boyfriend has dozens of female friends that he texts, goes for lunch with on an almost daily basis, and meets for dinner at Christmas time when he goes back to the town he used to live. For me, my boundaries mean I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who: a.) is in contact with ex girlfriends b.) hangs out with women who are trying to romantically pursue him Obviously there are plenty of people on this forum for whom their boundaries include the opposite. That’s fine, but there is little point in you commenting on my posts. You can shout and scream at me all day, I’ll never ever come round to your thinking and will ignore all your posts. Thankfully you can date people who don’t have these boundaries and I can date people who do. The reason for my post here is because I don’t know if this woman fits into my criteria of (b) - a woman trying to pursue him. none of his know, it’s too ambiguous. Therefore I find it difficult to know how to proceed - work on my insecurities and keep them private, or ask him to respect my feelings. I’m here because currently I don’t feel like he is respecting my feelings and I’m not sure how to deal with that. Or if I need to - as maybe I’m overreacting.
  2. It's happening once or twice a week. I asked him if he could reduce it to once a month but he said no because he enjoys it, and again that would be too controlling. He suggested once every other week. Our relationship has been very good until this past month where it has just been continuous arguments about various different things. Perhaps because I am on edge over all this. The first of arguments happened before this text - when he told me he was going cycling in the morning, would be back at lunch time and we would do soemthing together in the afternoon. But then he didn't come home until 4pm and was uncontactable all that time as he doesn't cycle with his phone. This woman took him on a huge route. So there's been a few occasions with things like that happening where I have felt he's not been very considerate. Generally after work when he goes cycling he will be home around 8pm, that's because he stops cycling once it gets dark. It may be later in the summer and sunny evenings but he's only started cycling with her recently. I asked him to join a cycle club but he says he prefers the flexibility of being able to cycle whenever is convenient for him with this woman.
  3. This post isn't about trying to decide whether she is shady so not sure where you got that from? The post is to decide whether I am overreacting and need to deal with my feelings on my own, or whether my boyfriend is disrespecting me and ignoring how I feel about this situation, and maybe not enforcing boundaries. Also I have stated I have spoken to him about how I feel, please re-read my post. He won’t do this – he says he always has to go to hers because she only knows the routes round that area and neither of them know any routes near where we are. By doing that he says I am not respecting his feelings. He does not want to feel like I am controlling who he can/can’t see, and when he puts it like that it makes me feel awful.
  4. Recently I made a post about my boyfriend whom I have been with 8 years. He has recently started 1:1 cycling once per week with a woman 20 years his senior from work. He hardly knew the woman from work prior to the cycling (she works in a different department). After two cycling sessions he cancelled a third due to weather and she sent him a text. About half the people on my previous thread thought this text was forward and suggestive of her being romantically interested in him, despite knowing about me. The other half thought I was reading into it, and probably insecure. I am writing this post to kindly ask for more advice. Since my last post, it's been two weeks, and two more cycling sessions. My boyfriend drives to her house after work where they begin and finish their cycle. Due to rush hour, the round trip of driving to her house and then back to our house, is taking him an hour and a half. I think this is crazy. Secondly, yesterday after their cycle the woman invited my boyfriend into her house for a cup of tea, so he stayed there an extra half an hour doing that. If I didn't have it in my head that this woman was "after him", I obviously wouldn't have been bothered about something so trivial about a cup of tea. However, this upset me. After this woman sent my boyfriend the "ambiguous" text, my boyfriend found it strange and said he didn't know what possessed her to send that when he hardly knew her. But since then having cycled twice more, he says she is not flirty whatsoever in person so he is satisfied she has no untoward feelings and wants to continue the cycling. However, I feel disrespected and the longer this carries on, the worse I feel. So my question is, should my boyfriend be putting up better boundaries / being more considerate about the fact this ongoing friendship is causing me distress and cut her off (I will not ask him to cut her off, but have made my feelings absolutely clear). OR do I need counselling to address my insecurities and have I made this into a huge thing when it isn't so that now I'm reading into everything? *Please note, this woman is not lonely - she is part of running and cycle clubs (loneliness was a suggestion in previous post).
  5. no it is a kiss but I am not really bothered about that
  6. Yes wiseman, I know I have nothing to worry about with my boyfriend. I trust him completely not to cheat. I guess, my only concern about him would be he might struggle to enforce boundaries (not because he's interested) but because he would feel uncomfortable doing so. And with such ambiguous messages he would find it difficult knowing when to say something and when to say nothing. I mean this in relation to if this woman ever made HIM feel uncomfortable. I found this comment quite rude from you actually. Like you think I am making presumptions about this woman, you are making presumptions about me. My partner has plenty of hobbies, including football, swimming, cycling and going to the gym. I actually cannot/choose not to partake in any of them! We do other things together that we both enjoy and no resentment when the other person does something without the other. Due to his field he works predominantly with women. He has lunches with different female colleagues regularly, which are actually probably more intimate than cycling. I can assure you I don't have issues with my boyfriend doing things or seeing people. I had no problem with him cycling with this woman at all, until she sent text messages to him that I interpreted as "suggestive". And maybe I interpreted them incorrectly, I don't know. Several people on here don't seem to think so. The fact is none of us can know for sure. But if she is attempting to pursue him, I find that disrespectful both to me and to our relationship. And that's not OK, regardless of trust in my boyfriend. That's not what a friendship is.
  7. Thanks batya, they are scheduled to go again this evening. Looks like it may be becoming a weekly/ twice weekly thing. I will see what happens tonight and keep you informed.
  8. Dear Batya, as someone who has lurked on this board for close to a decade I have come to highly value your opinions and advice. Do you have any advice in this situation? Even if it is for things to carry on as they are.
  9. I probably need to emphasise this is a BRAND new friendship that my boyfriend has with this woman. He said he hardly knew her as he rarely spoke to her at work and she only works two days a week. They have now been cycling twice so they are very much at the getting to know each other stage of a friendship. I feel some of you may be thinking these texts are completely normal as you would send them to some of your oldest and dearest friends. I’m not saying she isn’t simply being friendly. I am not sure what she thinks I just had a bad feeling. I do completely trust my boyfriend so I hear what you are saying - that she is irrelevant. Yet it just sits uneasy with me if she thinks with each cycle she is getting more invested in the idea of being with him romantically. To clarify the woman is divorced. While my boyfriend found the texts a little strange, they aren’t strange enough for him to cease contact so for now things are just going to continue and he is actually going cycling with her this evening. I was fretting about things after reading all these posts so I asked my boyfriend if I could see the texts again. I had actually remembered them wrong here is what was said: - My boyfriend cancelled the cycling - The woman replied: -My boyfriend did not respond - An hour later the woman text again: -My boyfriend replied to reschedule (for today). - The woman replied: - My boyfriend did not reply - The woman text again:
  10. Thank you Batya, do you feel a text like what she sent is respecting our relationship? Saying "looking forward to seeing you" instead of "looking forward to the cycling"? He is going cycling with her again tomorrow so will see what that brings, if anything.
  11. I don't know, maybe you are right. He has lots of female colleagues who is good friends with, including a colleague who he used to work with that he now meets up with at Christmas etc. I don't have any concerns. I just found these texts weird, but I do find it interesting how other people also feel those texts indicates she is romantically interested in him. Whereas, other people such as yourself see them as innocuous. It's confusing
  12. Thanks all for replies. I should probably state I can't go with them as I have Crohn's disease and I am not able to keep up or cycle for that distance without awful pain. I do enjoy lots of walks with my boyfriend. My boyfriend replied to the text "looking forward to seeing you" with "I was looking forward to it as well", which in hindsight wasn't the best reply and didn't enforce boundaries. I do completely trust him, I know he would never cheat on me or leave me for this woman. However, it just feels like swimming in murky waters. I know everyone is different and everyone has different boundaries about what is acceptable to them in relationships. I feel like 1:1 time with a woman who attempts to become more than friends with my boyfriend (not saying she IS doing this, I don't know for sure how she feels), is crossing my boundary. I am kind of just using this post to get outsider perspective.
  13. Thanks so much for your replies. My partner found the texts strange but says there has been nothing to indicate she likes him when he sees her face-to-face. He therefore currently does not want to cut the alone time, as he genuinely enjoys the cycling. We have not long lived in this area so we do not have many friends here. I feel uncomfortable having to wait and watch this unfold but do not feel like I can dictate to him that he cannot see her. I do completely trust him and know he would never cheat on me but at the same time I find the current situation disrespectful to our relationship.
  14. Hello, I have been with my partner nearly 8 years. We live together with a mortgage. I am 29 and he is 32. Recently a woman at my partner’s work invited him to go cycling with her. This woman is very active, goes running daily and cycling a lot doing time trial etc. My boyfriend isn’t close to her at work she is just someone he sees in passing, I would describe her as a work acquaintance. This woman also only works 2 days a week at my partner’s work so he doesn’t see her everyday. This woman is in her early 50s. So my partner did a time trial with her and then another occasion on a weekend did a long cycle just the two of them. I never thought anything of this. Then on Friday my boyfriend had annual leave and was planning to go cycling with the woman. However, he changed his mind due to the weather forecast so text her to cancel. He then drove back to the city where his family live to visit them. After he cancelled my boyfriend phoned me up to tell me after he text the woman, she replied saying “that’s a shame I was looking forward to seeing you :-/ “ which both me and my boyfriend found a little odd. Then when my boyfriend came back to our house after the weekend with family he showed me the text where I saw she had also sent him a few texts over the past few weeks trying to make conversation. For example after she said she was sad they cancelled the cycle she then text again asking how was his drive home. I found it odd she was trying to get some kind of conversation going. The woman knows he is in a relationship. Am I being paranoid or does this woman like my boyfriend romantically?
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