Belg

Moving on while staying together is just evil. I think my ex did that to me. Not only did I not expect the breakup for the most part (but I did notice a rough patch for cues I wasn't fully being mindful of), but honestly, our relationship was improving while she was choosing to move on. My hopes for her were going up and my efforts in the relationship were both increasing and paying off while she was directing all her emotional investment into breaking up and dating someone she barely knew.

 

Yeah, while it's hard to judge a situation rationally, it's important to not cling to hope that doesn't make sense or wouldn't be beneficial.

 

I think you did the right by texting her that. Apart from kids or business affairs, there's no real reason to talk to an ex unless for reconciliation (if one has feelings for the other). She holds even more power when she thinks she can have her feelings alone dictate her relationships with other people, including her relationships with exes. It gives you more power than you have otherwise, but yes, the dumper maintains most of the power in the dynamic in the long-run. The power dynamic only really swaps when both parties have a change of heart (dumper wants reconciliation, dumpee does not).

 

When I would communicate with my ex for the first 4-6 weeks after the breakup, I had the perception as well that she "felt so great with all the power"). She eventually started sounding really depressed and lonely for another few weeks, and conversations with mutual friends who she was willing to open up to confirmed my perception of her feelings. When she started dating someone else, it seemed like she was empty, and panicked when I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. When she last texted me (for my birthday after 3-4 weeks of no contact since learning she was dating someone else), she seemed to feel guilty and inadequate. Point here being that peoples' emotions after a breakup are variable and take a long time to process, and many people do it in longer-term stages. Dumpers especially seem to go through different longer-term phases, whereas dumpees tend to have tumultuous emotions throughout the day with lessening severity/investment as time goes on (both may hide from their emotions in things like other relationships, hobbies, productivity, or other things).

 

Man.. this girl.. :( Sucks to still care about her so much and to be so in-tune with her emotions and needs. None of this had to happen. I don't think she even wants what she's moved herself towards, but there's nothing I can do to change anything. It's such a weird position to be in where your ex is a stranger, but you still seem to know and understand them so well.

Hi

maybe it's wrong what I am going to say. In the beginning "the situation of caring" is bigger for the dumpee than the dumper. The situation for the dumper is at this moment freedom, happiness,... (situation in mine story and others). But when time will pass the situation will reverse? I read a lot of posts in this thread and in 9/10 it is this situation.

I think sometimes it is also the proud of the dumper that will hide their emotions. There will always be a part of you in the dumper that will make them insecure. In my 1st post I told you she lost her patience because I didn't reply + she told me on the phone 2 days later this made her unhappy because she felt her ignored (a crack in her ego).

My first ex was even worser than mine second ex (my first post is about this second ex). She was so cold and mean to me after the BU. The moving on part with this ex was much easier than with this ex #2 because she said the most hurtfull things. She dumped me and after 7 months of NC she sent me a text (this was in 2015)! She was missing me and was wrong what had happened..., but I was in a relationship with ex 2 at that moment so i said please leave me alone. What i will say is that even the coldest and meanest person will change their mind. There is always a part of you in her/him. A mind will bring up memories in your mind + in the mind of the dumper.

Time & space will make huge difference I think. Having "some" hope + faith will heal and isn't that bad.

I wish you the best of luck 11moreweeks.

hi!

Thanks for your reply!

I never knew this (the part of moving on). She was always acting in a normal way.

I don't live on hope, because this will create a bigger disappointment if there is no reconciliation. I also think it isn't bad to have "some" hope, but in my conditions these hope is below zero at this moment haha.

I think patience is a difficult thing in the beginning (also a problem for me). I know I will not "wait" like i did in those 30 days NC because i don't have the feeling she will ever text me again. Do you think i did the right thing to tell her that she can only text me if she can change her decision? I'm worried about it because she is feeling to much power because of this (my opinion).

On the phone I also had the feeling in her voice that she was feeling so great with all power (telling me she didn't understand why i'am not happy afther this NC+ talking with no emotions).

It is very hard because the one you loved is a "stranger" at this moment.

Belg

This is a wonderful thread!

I think every situation is different. This post is not to get some advice, but to show my situation.

My gf broke up with me in January after 2.5 years together. She told me I was to needy, clingy and that I didn't trust her 100%. It was just out of the blue because she never told me these feelings...

A couple of days after her decision she was not sure about it, she was very emotional and was still thinking about it. I was hoping, begging pleading, but she stayed with her decision. So i went NC to give her space and time.

30 days of NC passed and I didn't receive any messages. I was hoping on just one text from her, but nothing happened ( it made me suffering to count the days).

This week something strange happened... out of the blue (after 40 days of NC) I received a text from her '' how are you?". I was in panic and couldn't answer it directly. So another text from her followed. I was like OMG what happens here haha . She texted me in her second text "she understands if I won't reply. In the same message she told me a memory of her and me and that she was thinking about this memory. For me it was very strange... I think some people here also remember some tips from relationship experts to send a message to your ex with a good memory or a happy feeling to break NC. I replied 1 day later, the following 3 days we were texting about nothing special the only thing she was still asking again and again how I was doing because I ignored this question and I texted something different.

On day 3 of this contact period i called her because I was suffering (I still love her and this was giving me hope so i was missing her). On the phone she was a different person, I was shocked. She told me her text was only to see how I was doing, nothing else. If I replied I was doing great she would feel her better (lowering her guilty decision). She also said she was unhappy because I replied a day later on her messages.

I asked her how she was feeling in those 40 days of NC. She told me the first 2 weeks it was horrible, she was very lonely and thinking about me. After a couple of weeks she didn't miss me anymore. She was very happy and didn't feel suffocating anymore + she didn't regret her decision. She could't understand why I was still suffering because she moved on. So she moved on after only 40 days of NC when we were 2.5 years together this made me feel very disappointing. I told her to stop texting me because I was unhappy about it. I also said you can only text me if you change your mind. She said ok, but you can text me whenever you want.

I still lover her and want her back, but i think it won't happend because she is to sure about her decision. Maybe it was also to fast for her it was only 40 days of NC, i have read something in this thread that really missing a person starts after 3 months of NC. It is strange to see how a person can change she was so cold and insensitive. I also don't know if it was a good thing to say that she can only contact me if she will change her mind. I don't know what the future brings for me, but I will post here if it is some positive news. Day 1 of NC starts again today.

So an ex will come back, but not always to come back in a relationship. Watch out with those texts.

I wish everyone the best!