SamWiseUp

Two years you waited? I definitely don't have that much patience. Two more days, maybe.

SamWiseUp

No kidding, Shorty. Sometimes it just blows me away. Another gay friend I have says he's pretty sure the guy likes me, but that he is just more passive than what I'm used to (I'm not used to taking the lead as my friend well knows).

Gonna have to give a report after tomorrow night I guess.

SamWiseUp

Well, we're going out tomorrow night (in a group again), but last night we talked privately (and I confirmed for him then that I am gay) and he said he needs to talk to me about the "arleady taken" issue and that his life was "complicated". Talk about keeping me in suspense!!!!

At least we can hang out as friends. That may be where this ends up, and I'll have to let the other feelings fade......or he could totally surprise me to.

Oh, the anguish of waiting.

SamWiseUp

Thanks. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm gay from the things we've talked about and the way I responded to his coming out. But no, I didn't say "yeah, I'm gay too."

I definitely need to find out if he's "available", though it sounded like he's not partnered or dating right now (he didn't say so outright, but this is what I conclude from what he has said). I guess I don't know how to find out any other way than to ask directly, which is one way.

I could also ask him out and see what he says. I hope he's not like the girl you mentioned that took 4 weeks. That's really lame.

Any suggestions on how to find out? I wonder why he wouldn't mention "someone else" when he came out.

SamWiseUp

Well, guess what happened a few days ago? He came out to me. So, that's one hurdle out of the way. He didn't say whether he had a partner or was seeing anyone, and I was so surprised that he told me that I didn't ask any questions.

We're going out (not just the two of us, others from work will be going too) in a few days. We'll just have to see what happens. If I learned anything from this, it's that I really should trust my instincts and not ignore all the signs and signals just because it seems it's too good to be true.

So, you guys think I just just go for it? Or should I be cautious and try to find out if I have any competition first?

SamWiseUp

Well, it's been about a month since I last posted on this. My crush and I have gotten to know each other as friends. We still haven't gotten onto the subject of "us" per se, but we have gone out. Once. He paid, insisted on it, then told me the next day it was his pleasure. At first he was hesitant, but when we got there we had a great time. Dinner, drinks, talk. Today a group of us went out, and he was with us (there were like a dozen of us in a group), and he stuck with me in the crowd the whole time (we were at a museum). Plenty of eye contact, and even some innocent body contact. It was great, but it's like "ok, why do I keep doubting my instincts???"

Honestly the suspense is killing me. When we talk, it seems we can talk about any subject, except what the deal is with us. I know he's single, lives alone, and I'm at the point where I'm really not sure I can trust my gaydar. It's never taken 3 months to get from first meeting to really getting to know one another.

I just have to know if this is all in my head, or he's just slow, or shy, or playing a game, or what ??? Any advice?

Riding on a bouncing bus will get me hard. Doesn't mean the bus is

gay (or the bus driver)

Good points. Gay is not just who gets you off, it's really about same

sex attraction, plus emotional longing to be with men for good

and not with women.

I really think the original poster has some other needs to be

identified and met. My point with my previous post was that man-to-man

touch can be normal and acceptable, and doesn't have to automatically

be sexual...even if it's touching intimate places. If a man or a woman

stroking you makes you hard, that just means your body is working

properly. That's all.

SamWiseUp

Hey mtastic.

Thanks for the post and your insights. I did actually invite him to join myself

and another coworker to go out for a drink after work, and as usual, he acts

like that would be cool, but then bows out. If he is gay, I'm sure he's

closeted. I just don't think he'd be that shy with me if here were out to

anyone. I'm very straight acting, and not out at work, so perhaps he's

confused about me too.

He seems far too outgoing and comfortable with others to just be a sensitive

straight guy with no partner. I'm not saying that is a bad thing to be, it just doesn't seem to fit him. I know he has friends, he's talked about them. But they're just friends.

So, what would be less threatening than going out for a drink but is "socially acceptable?" Maybe "mixed company" is the ticket.

Thanks again.

SamWiseup

Why is it acceptable for women to be turned on by pictures or videos of other women but not acceptable for a guy to be turned on by a picture of a penis? Truth be told, there are probably more guys out there that feel the same way but would never be brave enough to admit it!

Must be societal conditioning. I can't think of any other good reason.

Maybe men can't admit the turn on because they are afraid it may make

them appear weak or insecure. I really think this is an American thing.

There's such shame about the body, but I don't know why. Other

countries, guys are more touchy and playful with each other, and it

doesn't have to be sexual.

Compare rugby and football. Rugby there's little protection, and the guys

are grabbing each other all over the place, and ripping each others

clothes, etc. But in American Football, there's all that protective gear,

and most of the time is spent standing around not doing anything but

looking cool.

Hope that analogy is good for something.

SamWiseUp

Some people are not shy in certain situations, and are shy in others. If he is secretly paranoid about others finding out about him, he may have to repress a big part of his personality in certain situations. Like for example he is working, so he knows how to be himself in public, but he may have terrible self esteem which keeps him from getting close personally with people.

You're awesome. I think you're right. Maybe he's still learning whether

or not he can trust me. I have to confess, I've been really focussed on

my own feelings and wants here, and not given much thought to what

he might feel or want at all.

Being gay in this culture isn't easy, I would think. He may not be out to too many people either. You could take him to a jazz club, that would be fun. Or take him to play tennis. Maybe you two could sign up to take a class together or go to a conference, or a cruise.

Lol, well a conference could do. For work. That would make sense.

Even work would pay for it. What a concept!

Ok, I have to chill on this for the weekend, put myself in his shoes, and

think about where he might be coming from, instead of just thinking of

myself.

Thanks.

SamWiseUp

I am thinking he is really shy. Why not invite him to something like a comedy show or a movie? That way he can relax!

Hey, that's not a bad idea. The guy's always cracking one-liners. I

will have to see what's going on around town and see if he's interested.

I guess going to a bar might make him feel too uncomfortable about

having to make conversation, although it's weird because he's always

over chatting with me. Maybe he's just really slow to warm up, and I'm

just really impatient because I really like him.

Thanks for the advice.

SamWiseUp

The only real way that you are going to find out for sure is to go out with him and see what sort of an impression that he gives you.

 

If he won't go out, then I guess you will never know....maybe the reason that he never flirts is that he is in a committed relationship, and he doesn;t want his partner to be upset. Does he wear a ring?

Nope, no ring. He's told me he's not married, no kids, and all he has

to come home to is his dog. I once teased him that so-and-so must be

his girlfriend, and he replied with strong emphasis that there was no

girlfriend.

Like I said, I have invited him out for a drink, and I get neither yes nor

no. Hard to work with that.

SamWiseUp

Sry bout that, what are some good questions i can ask him?, ones that can really give you a yes or no answer. I am gay, and i think he is, but i dont know how to tell for sure

Hey, I'm in a similar boat. I can't figure out this guy (and I like him).

Anyway, I think some guys are afraid of rejection, so they maintain

control of the situation by keeping it ambiguous. You might be able

to learn about him by asking him about past relationships.

Does he know your gay? Sometime when you're out together, you can

mention an attractive girl and see what he says and whether he looks

etc.

It's hard to ask someone right out if they're gay, because they may

very well lie thinking they need to take the defensive.

Hope this helps. I don't always know how to proceed either. I've

tried my own above advice in my current situation, and I'm still

not sure.

SamWiseUp

I think I would stop them, but I don't know if thats because I'm not letting myself be gay.

 

I think I'm just overanalyzing everything.

Ok, I'm gay. I used to try to ignore it. I do think you're making this too

much of a head game. It seems to me from reading your posts that

your issue is more of wanting to feel like a man yourself, not that you

might be gay. If masturbating while looking at a hunk is all your

feel comfortable with, then I think there's just something symbolic that

you are idealizing. If you were gay, I think you'd look for opportunities

to check it out and see if that's really who you are.

Get out of your head, follow your heart a bit and see where it takes you.

You can always forgive yourself if you look back and feel you made a mistake.

Relax!

SamWiseUp

Ok, here's the deal. I am totally in the closet at work (and to most people actually), and there's a guy at work that I really have a big crush on at this point. We've only known each other for 2 months, but in that time, it seems we've really hit it off. The problem is when I try to hint that I'd like to go out with him for a drink, he doesn't say no, but he doesn't say yes either.

This guy is a few years older than me. I know he's not married, no kids, and I think he's gay, but I'm not sure. What I do know is that even though there are some attractive women in our office, he never mentions them, or really even talks to them (unless he has to for work reasons), but he's often next to me at my desk talking about whatever, asking me questions about what I'm doing. He also makes a lot of eye contact with me whether he's close by or on the other side of the office and looking my way. And he's always smiling.

So, I don't want to be pushy, but I really want to ask him out. Maybe he's just nervous? Maybe he's straight and I've totally pegged him wrong?

Ok guys (and girls), advice please! I want to figure out if he's worth

pursuing (is he gay) and does he like me too, or just want to be friends.

SamWiseUp