Lillypoo

Hi, I sound like a broken record on this forum as I've spoke about similar issues. I have been with my boyfriend about 2 years. We do not live together. He lives 45 minute drive from me, i do not drive but he does. He is autistic. It is very challenging at times, he does not understand some social rules, hates crowds and loud noise, he finds it hard to make decisions on what we do when we see other, what to watch on tv, what to have for dinner. I make all the decisions, but if something we do is not right or he doesn't like it he blames me. I try to always make him food he likes to eat. I try to choose places where it might be quiet because i care about him and want him to be happy and that does not bother me. The issue is he tells me i don’t care about him. I ask “what makes you think i don’t care about you?” His reply “ i don’t feel it.” I felt very hurt by this because I really care about him, i give him affection, even though i don't get much affection back. I have read, listened and watched lots of things on ASN (autism) and how to make his life easier. No one has ever said I'm uncaring ever, i care too much about the ones i love. I tried to get him to expand on “i dont feel it” but he just ignored me. I snore and i am aware that it is annoying for him but i have tried different things to stop or help the noise but nothing has worked, ive been to the doctors and they did not suggest much. I bought him high quality comfortable ear plugs which he wears but occasionally makes a dig that he makes all the effort because of my snoring. I cant help my snoring. He gets really upset with me and moody and then i feel horrible because ive done that to him. I feel like he doesnt see all the things i do in the relationship. I pay for all the food, he comes to mine because he now lives at his parents and he is renting his apartment. He is off work just now due to another health condition which i think ive been supportive about. I work long hours and he complains that i dont go to the gym to work out, im not fat but im not skinny, ive not put on weight since i met him, i have lost some. He goes to the gym all the time. I feel like he has small digs at my weight at times, which i now have resulted in me wearing a tshirt in bed when i did not before. He never compliments me but is happy to say other girls are hot or sexy on tv in-front of me. I have tried to sit and speak out issues i have but he says “ you are always getting at me, i cant do or say anything right” or “you are causing a drama”. Im the one that feels that they cant do anything right. And i feel he hates me. Im currently sitting in my house while he is sleeping in bed because i kept him up with my snoring and i decided to order him food for when he wakes up but i got snapped at “you know im on a diet, im not eating!” I thought i was being kind and thoughtful but obviously not. There was a loud noise outside last night so i went out to look, i disrupted him sleeping and he moaned at me, i honestly thought something was happening to his car thats why i went to look. I just cant do anything right in his eyes.

This did go through my head. I just constantly feel I can’t say anything about the relationship because I just get called a drama queen. I sometimes feel he’s too immature for a relationship.

Yes this is the same man. Been together over a year. I’m not sure if it’s abusive because I sometimes don’t know if he’s joking or is it serious. I’m starting to think what is wrong with me.

Hi, I’m just looking for some advice/clarification. My boyfriend both in our 30s, he has high functioning autism - means he has communication issues which I do try to understand and have read up and listened to lots of podcasts/audiobooks on to help understand things better. Anyway the issue is he constantly say some rude things some I think are just teasing me in a silly way which I don’t mind and on the other hand he can be very rude and sometimes mean. The other day he said out of the blue “you don’t have a sense of humour, you’re not funny” he then said “I don’t look good in the mornings” I told him that’s just rude and he proceeded to say “ oh you are so dramatic” he’s not exactly a Calvin Kline model. I’m not ugly but who looks good in the morning. But it has made me a little self conscious. He was talking about something (vikings, Greek gods) that I know nothing about and he asked me questions on it and I said “I don’t know, tell me” he then said in a rude manner “ do you even know anything” I felt like that was a horrible thing to say, I said “what do you mean” when I talk about anything that I’m interested in you know nothing it like you don’t know anything”. We talk about lots of things and when it comes to history, dinosaurs or some of the tv shows he watches yes I don’t know because that’s his thing and I’m happy to learn and ask questions on things but I have certain interests that he doesn’t know about. If I say anything a little critical he just says “ your so dramatic and I can’t deal with it” . The other day he listed things that annoy him of me and I listed some that grate on me of him but I then asked to even it out to say things we love about each other, his response “nope I’m not doing that”. It was so easy for him to list the annoying things but not the good. I’m starting to think he doesn’t love me anymore, or even like me. The things he does do for me is he phoned me every night, comes to my house every weekend because he drives (we live in different cities), he sometimes pays for meals out. Things I do for him, I buy him things like expensive gifts, make him dinner everytime he stays, I always organise dates, I’m the one initiating affection. He said he loves affection and I get very little even though I like/need it in a relationship which I have told him but he then says I’m attention seeking. The last time we said bye to each other he shakes my hand, it was weird. I will just say he used to be affectionate and try hard, he used to call me hot, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful but not anymore. He said his last relationship the girl gave him no affection and he says he needs that but it’s hard to do now when I feel like he’s being distant. If I try to talk about it he just says I’m “ overreacting, being dramatic or a drama queen” I never shout or try to argue just calmly put my point across. He gets annoyed if I go silent and say nothings wrong at times because im evaluating and processing saying anything as I know the reaction I will get. Any advice/opinions?

Thanks for your reply. You are right I shouldn’t force things and just let it happen naturally.

After typing it all out I realised it’s definitely my anxiety causing me issues. I focus too much on what he doesn’t do and instead of what he does do. I am getting too “in my head”. Think I need to work on my self esteem too. thank you

It’s more for an emotional connection. He rents out his apartment occasionally for holidays let’s so I can’t always stay at his, he lives with his parents if he has people staying. I try to stay and travel to see him as much as possible, I organise dates that I think he would enjoy, I cook him his favourite meals when he comes over, I buy him little gifts, give him massages when he’s stressed out or just because. I do appreciate him and tell him often.

Thank you. Yes I think I need to work on my anxiety because I don’t want to push him away.

I have brought up Christmas, new year, holiday ideas for next year and I’ve said to him I’d love to move in with him eventually.

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 months. I love him and he says he loves me. In my past I’ve had horrible relationships where they were abusive. This relationship has definitely not been like that, he has been kind, caring, thoughtful and generous. At the start it was very easy and we were loved up. He used to text me cute pet names but he has stopped this recently. He doesn’t phone me as much as he used to either. But he is still making an effort with dates. He took me to a gig recently, he booked it even though he doesn’t like the band and hates concerts, he still went. He goes to see movies I want to see, he drives out to see me every weekend and he booked a weekend away at a lovely hotel and booked me in a massage. I do have a tendency to overthink everything and I do have an anxiety disorder so I’m trying to figure out if the relationship has changed or it just me. He used to bring up future plans with me but now that’s stopped. I asked him this but he just says he doesn’t want to put lots of pressure on us. I understand but I do need to feel it’s going somewhere. When we are out anywhere he never looks like he wants to be with me (again this could be me overthinking). He has never broke up with a girl before so I’m worried he’s not happy. I’ve asked him and he says he is, but I don’t want to keep asking. When I’m upset about anything or stressed he always phones to make sure I’m ok. a little bit about him………… he has autism not high on the spectrum but he’s been diagnosed with it. he has a stressful job and he hates it so I know this gets to him so I’m not sure if Am I overthinking or is he losing interest?