Help....Am I really destined to be a monk!

[no6]

OK. So the deal is if you can stop me from running away and joining a monastery in a far and distant land you have succeeded.

My wife and I have only been together for a short time but even from day one I have never felt any 'chemistry' with her. Everything else about her really is great and she loves me to bits, but I am just not attracted to her. Why did you marry I hear you shout. Well the fact that she is very popular with my family, loves me deeply and we get on well. Maybe I'm being too choosy.

Since the day after she moved in with me I have felt deeply depressed and in a constant state of panic, as if trapped. I do not have any children presently, but the thought of having them terrifies me.

I have tried to consider what things would be like without her, but it brings partly relief and partly panic. Relief because a decision has been made and I can move on, and partly panic because she will permanently be gone and I may have made a mistake letting her go thinking someone better for me is out there. However, life with her brings a tidal wave of panic in that I feel trapped in a marriage that my heart is not committed to.

I had also considered whether this is a subconscious excuse and that my real problem was the girl's worst nightmare, the man with a commitment phobia! However logically I approach this, I keep asking whether a marriage can exist without that sexual chemistry, is it that important or does it just wear off with time anyway.

Right now I just don't know where to turn and hour-by-hour my plans change as to what to do, from sticking with it, to flying off to the forests of Peru! Your view (not on flight details!) would very much be appreciated.

(Brother) D.

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[charmed]

Hi No6,

 

I do believe that you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons - especially since you felt no chemistry since day one. You are not pulling your weight in the relationship either, and that is being untrue to your wife. Your fear of leaving because you might not get better is selfish.

 

You really shouldn't be in this marraige - especially since there are no children so far. Why did you marry this girl in the first place? Just because of the family connection?

 

A marraige without sexual chemistry can last once there is emotional chemistry - and remember when you are 70, sexual chemistry will be the last thing on your mind!! Do you find yourself sexually attracted to other women? If so, that could certainly cause a problem in your relationship.

 

You really need to think this out - perhaps some therapy would ask you the sort of questions you really need to be asking to get yourself through this situation.

 

Hope this helps you some,

[SunnyScott]

Ouch! What a sticky situation, why did you proceed the relationship and marry this woman? I know that she's a good person and everything, but if from day one, you weren't attracted to her, then how could you poceed in a courtly manner?

 

I'm just having a hard time comprehending the situation, but anyway, what you should do is get some marital counseling or something. I mean, you guys get along and everything, so try to see what's going on.

 

But, if your heart really isn't in this marriage, you must be upfront and tell her. Women would rather hear the truth than be lied to. The longer that you stay in this relaitonship, the longer you prevent yourself from truly being happy as well as her.

 

Women sense when something's wrong, you need to tell her upfront! I hope things work out...