Don't know what to do...

[Wayfara]

you mustn't be the one giving up and saying things like, I've other friends, why would losing one matter

 

Well I just have heard so many times that there is nothing more pathetic than a person who doesn’t know when to give up. But maybe giving up now is giving up to soon. I do overanalyse things sometimes as I’m afraid that I’m not rational enough. Thinking things like ‘maybe you’re just idealizing E and don’t see her faults, maybe your emotions blind you and E isn’t anything you think´. Stupid I know… I feel like she’s one of the greatest but then I think I’m infatuated and not really thinking straight.

 

I’ll do as you say and go over there Saturday and hope that she’ll listen to me this time, giving it some days to settle things down. This will be like the forth time I do something like this (apologizing for the bullying, explaining my mother’s behaviour the first time, going over there with the note that we were even). I’ll write a short note this time too in case I forget what to say and if she refuses to listen to me I can give it to her before I go.

 

Flowers and a bag of flour, lol. Well buying flowers is expensive, I’m thinking of a cheaper option like picking a bunch of dandelions from the lawn. What do you think? Just kidding, I know I place I could go to not too far away where I have seen nice looking flowers of many colours.

 

My mother has left for her vacation now. I had a talk with her before. I asked her if she would accept me if I happened to be bisexual, hypothetically speaking. She was like “But sweetie you’re not” and I said “But if I was”. She said that she hoped I would test guys before labelling myself like that. She says she wants me to form a family and be happy, meaning getting a husband and children. Like I have said before, and which I told her, I don’t think I want children (I know I’m young so it’s possible I change opinion about that later). She thinks that my biological clock should be ticking already, that my age is the perfect age to have children and that I only should be waiting for a the right guy to be the father, like if I needed to be in a hurry to get married when I’m this young. Well, well, she met my dad when she was sixteen, married him at eighteen and got me right before turning nineteen. At my age she already had me, so by comparing me to her I’m already late.

 

I told her that I wasn’t going to live her life and that if she didn’t like that I would have to move far away from her. She said that of course she would accept my decisions and that if I was gay she would accept that too just that she didn’t think I was. She thinks that I’m only confused; she even said something therapy. To bad for her I highly doubt that a therapist here would think of homosexuality as a disease to be cured. Anyway she says she’s going to be nicer to E in the future, she admits to have overreacted and treated her bad and that she hasn’t anything real to complain about her as E seems polite (she managed to remain civil toward my mother yesterday so my mother can’t complain about that).

 

So I’m a bit happier today, the situation maybe isn’t as bad as I thought. I just hope that E will listen to me when I go and see her.

 

And tell her that you've told your mother exactly what I've just told you to say.

 

Should I really do that? Wouldn't that be like I'm admitting maybe being bisexual? I have a feeling that if I did that she would suspect that I have feelings for her and I'm not sure she would be okay with me thinking of her that way.

 

Tigris, I hope you will feel better soon too.

[Wayfara]

(you speak English better than some of my friends, and I live in England).

 

Lol, thank you. Well writing is easier than speaking, teachers have been complaining about my bad pronunciation so my worst problem with English is speaking it.

 

Try getting your mother to apologise to E if she hasn't left yet

 

Well she already left. I don’t think she would have agreed to do it anyway, admitting that she behaved bad to me is one thing but admitting it to E I don’t think she would.

 

Also, while your mother's gone you should get E to teach you to cook. Should be fun!

 

Lol, yeah I really should ask her to help me with that.

[aquatic]

I don't what shocks me more, that you just laid it out that you're mostly likely gay or that your mother didn't combust after hearing this. That took guts I'm happy for you. Granted she's in denial, I think she took it pretty well! Surprises, surprises... I just hope once she's back from her trip, and by then this info would have really sunk in, she's as accepting of the gay thing and of E.... hmm, I wonder how she's connecting this to E; her brain must be on overdrive at your aunt's house-- the success of E's sapphic conquest!

 

maybe you’re just idealizing E and don’t see her faults,

Well, on the friends level, once you hang out with a person, you immediately know if you're on the same wavelength or if it's hate at first sight. Seems you genuinely like her company and the way her mind works.

 

I like the dandelion thing! Cute. I'm not kidding. I think it would look a bit weird if you bought her a costly boquet, though I'd get her the bag of flour instead-- my humor's, uh, unusual that way lol. Whichever, as long as it's nothing fancy. It's a peace offering, you don't want to end up looking like a suitor.

 

And don't disclose anything about your sexuality to E, but do say your mom realized it was wrong of her to do that afterwards, especially after seeing how upset you were about it.

[Wayfara]

I don't what shocks me more, that you just laid it out that you're mostly likely gay or that your mother didn't combust after hearing this.

 

Yeah I was lucky that my mother didn’t combust. Well she already suspected that I have had some doubts about my orientation since the poem incident, so it didn't come as a total surprise to her. And I thought I could as well take the opportunity when she was feeling guilty for upsetting me for what she did to E. But yeah she’s in denial, I just hope she’ll get used to the idea and not go crazy about it once the guilt is gone. She’s probably hoping it’s just a phase.

 

I wonder how she's connecting this to E; her brain must be on overdrive at your aunt's house-- the success of E's sapphic conquest!

Lol. I have been telling her all time that E hasn’t made any sexual advances toward me and that she has denied being gay several times, but even then my mother felt the need to call me this early morning to warn me about her. She told me to not let my guard down around her and not let her confuse or take advantage of me, that I should be strict with the friendship boundaries. She says that E can’t be straight as she admitted not being attracted to guys and if she doesn’t like guys then she must like girls. Well I’m still thinking that E could be asexual.

 

it would look a bit weird if you bought her a costly boquet

 

No, I won’t buy the flowers, I was thinking of picking some. I don’t know, are dandelions a good idea or should I pick some normal flowers which aren’t seen as weeds? I’ll take with me a bag of flour too to see how she reacts.

[candy_the_confused]

i looked for the flowers and their meanings and found out that:

 

DANDELION mean Faithfulness, Happiness.

[aquatic]

Oh, my nose! I was drinking while reading your post. I was like, huh? Dandelion? Weed? So I looked up a pic online and gah, snorted some coffee up my nose laughing when I saw they're 2cm-wide yellow flowers. Oh yeah, you'd have to bald an entire field to gather a decent boquet with that one. "Here, E, I picked some lovely weeds for you." LOL. I was thinking of mums! Yup, go for normal looking ones (like mums) LOL *shakes head*

[candy_the_confused]

lol aquatic you are too funny!! wayfara when you pick the normal flowers, let us know what they are so i can find out what they resemble before you give them to E!

[Wayfara]

Well I picked some buttercups, wild pansies and oxeye daisies and some other flowers I don’t even know the name on in Swedish but that looked nice. I almost got tempted to pick some flowers from the park but I didn’t (last time I got caught by an old lady). I’m going to E’s place in a couple of hours; I hope she’ll listen to me (I’m pretty nervous). There is a chance that she won’t be home as it’s Midsummer’s Day today, so if not I’ll try again tomorrow.

[candy_the_confused]

Good luck wayfara, hopefully everything will be fine between you two and hopefully you will find her and she will give you the chance to explain.

 

aside from everything E is lucky to have a caring friend like you. Good luck again

[millaj]

Sooo, how'd it go? I really hope it went well.. Honestly, I think that E does like you in a romantic way and I think that what she said to your mom about if she liked a girl, she would pick a girl who liked girls.. to me that means that she wouldn't go after you b/c she thinks your straight. After reading a lot of your posts, I think that she thinks your straight as she still thinks you really have a huge crush on that guy.. b or whatever his name was. lol.

 

I'm just going to say something here.. If you already have got to the point where your like gonna drop her as a friend b/c you think it's beyond repair, why not just tell her like it is. You really have nothing to loose. Just write a letter of what you want to say, and then once you get it to the point, then talk with her. Don't give her the letter, but sometimes it's nice to write things down so you can get to the point without going on a rant and confusing people.

 

Good luck love. I'm looking forward to learning more about this situation. Just be patient.. if she shuts you out, just accept it. If she says she wants to just be your friend, then accept that. If she decides she's in love with you too, then accept it.. just try and be forgiving and accepting of whatever direction your friendship/relationship goes in.

[Wayfara]

Well when E opened the door I held out the flowers. She thought that I had come because of bad conscious and said that she didn’t hate me, that she only wanted me leaving her in peace. I begged her to let me in and explain but she thought it unnecessary because there was no hurt feelings, she just wanted me out of her life. I tried to give her the note but she wouldn’t take it. She said that I could consider my business there done. She was so very cold; I couldn’t hold back my tears in front of her (humiliating, she’s the only one that can make me cry like that).

E: “Don’t cry.”

I told her it wasn’t something one can stop with on demand.

E: “Okay, come in then.”

She pulled out a chair for me to sit on.

E: “Water? Milk? A blanket? Tell me what to do.”

When I didn’t say something fast enough she fetched a brush and began brushing my hair (I think she thought it could have a calming effect on me) while she began explaining how she thought it was better that we didn’t see each other to any further extent, that even if it wasn’t of meanness that I had brought my mother to have the talk with her she just wanted be left in peace and quiet.

 

I asked her how she really could think that it was I who dragged my mother to her apartment. That I wouldn’t do that as she meant a lot to me, that she already ought to know that. She asked me if it really wasn’t mine idea and I assured her it was the truth and handed her over the bag of flour. She laughed.

E: “An ulterior motive to everything. You were hoping of getting new baked cookies, weren’t you?

I told her that my mother was sorry for the way she had treated her. She said that my mother had nothing to be worried about. She said that her lack of interest in guys didn’t make her a lesbian because lesbians were interested in girls which she wasn’t and that she never doubted being straight until relatives began asking her strange questions about good-looking girls and giving her strange presents such as movies about girls falling for other girls. She said she thought she was a late bloomer and that she hoped that she could be spared the blooming, that she already knew enough about sex to know that it wasn't the thing for her.

 

She told me that when she lived at home she often saw her mother and her boyfriends go around naked during the mornings or after having sex as her mother thinks that the naked body is beautiful, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Her mother doesn’t think that something beautiful as lovemaking should be hushed about either and has since E’s early teenage persisted with telling E her sexual secrets, informed her about enjoyable positions and even promised that if E ever gets a boyfriend to induce him to the secrets too. Every time E makes a visit her mother insists with telling her all the intimate/explicit details of her sexual relationships with her new soul mates. I’m grateful that my mother doesn’t tell me that sort of things.

 

She was combing my hair for a really long time. I always feel physically aware of her and well her standing right behind me was making me even more conscious (she would think me a pervert if she knew). Well before I left she put the flowers in a vase and thanked me for them. She’s coming over to my house later today.

 

she wouldn't go after you b/c she thinks your straight

 

Yeah she probably thinks me straight. I just don’t know how to show her that I’m available if she’s interested and at the same time not have her realising my feelings if she’s not. Well the chance that she does like me romantically isn’t that high as she said she wasn’t interested in girls. She hasn't done anything for me to think that she sees me more than a friend. But I’m glad that we are friends again so I don’t want to destroy anything.

[Tigris]

She might not be interested in girls but she could be interested in ONE GIRL but doesn't know it yet.

 

Thank you everyone for the get well wishes. Sometimes I feel ok during the day and others I don't feel very well at all. My body is struggling to fight off the infection because my immune system doesn't work properly. I'm taking the antibiotics but it could take a few days for them to get into my system properly before they start working properly.

 

I've got to now. I'm feeling weak and sleepy again. I'll keep popping on here to see what's happening.

 

Wayfara you're doing a good job. I'm proud of you!

[mojito]

only recently discovered this board...and immediately was hooked on your story. So I'm back reading about your journey.

Amazed with your writing skills, for someone whose first language isn't English, you have impressed me.

While you are young....you truly are working at being the best person you can be.

I have seen the transition from the young and frustrated young kid in school, to a wonderful inspiring young woman.

Much luck in your journey....btw I think E's confusion and/or lack of 'action' may very well be connected to fears of intimacy...but I do 'read' in your posts, many instances where she has exibited gestures, towards you, that can be very intimate. I'm thinking she shuts down out of fear of being hurt. When she learns to trust...she'll be able to open herself to love.

Wherever your journey leads you....you'll be ok...you are an insightful, kind and loyal woman. Magnificent attributes indeed.

Much peace.

[Tigris]

Welcome to enotalone mojito.

 

I agree with you about E being afraid of intimacy. She probably thinks that everyone's like her Mother when they start having sex. She needs to be taught that it's what she wants it to be and not what her Mother says it is.

[candy_the_confused]

wayfara i'm so proud of you, you are such a sweet young woman, making the effort to go to her house holding the flowers and flour, God i'm sure that E kept staring at them after you left.

 

I don't know why i have this feeling that this girl likes you a lot, obviously as most of us can see she is scared of intimacy, but she has a good heart too.

 

Your tears meant a lot to her, never think of them as humilation wayfara because they are not, they just reflect beautiful emotions that you have inside.

 

This time she brushed your hair instead of cupping your face, how cute!

 

good job wayfara you are doing great, be happy about the friendship in the meanwhile, get to know her and yourself more.

 

Give her time to trust you, she'll open up, and you'll get to know her more, and eventually you'll find out if there is a possibility for you and her to be more than friends. Good luck.. keep us updated.

[aquatic]

She hasn't done anything for me to think that she sees me more than a friend. But I’m glad that we are friends again so I don’t want to destroy anything.

Yes, quite so in a nutshell. Happy for you that you're friends again. Good going, Wayfara.

 

When you're hanging out one of these days and having those talking sessions, you should casually mention something along the lines of, "Hey, do you count on me as a friend? Not just someone to hang out with, but a real friend?" If she says yes, follow it up with "I was thinking, especially after the last time we fought, you preferred to just quit and shut me out. That hurts a bit." Then tease her that she should really stop making you cry all the time. Then propose a deal with her that should anything bother either of you the next time, you two will talk it out (over cookies, if she's inclined, lol). Keep it light, nothing overly dramatic. I think it would help E become more aware how to deal with fights next time and how it affects you-- let's try to keep instances of you knocking on her door about to have a breakdown at a bare minimum Though it's cute how E's still so child-like in some ways, soothing problems with cookies, hair brushing and sock tortures, she should learn that some problems are easier to solve when you talk about it and not just clam up.

[Tigris]

I agree with Aquatic about the talk about fighting.

[millaj]

Good advice aquatic.

 

Wayfara, that girl loves you!

[Wayfara]

Thank you Mojito. Well most people use to be nice to their crushes so it’s not unusual kind of me to try to be nice to E, after all I like her and want her to like me And if I hadn’t got the crush on her I probably wouldn’t have realised how cruel I indeed had been to her and would most likely continued with being mean to her until the term was over (yeah a horrible thing to admit and a disturbing thing to know about oneself, so I’m not really that good of a person).

 

Your tears meant a lot to her, never think of them as humilation

 

Thank you but I really wanted to be cool and composed so I felt very exposed and soppy when the tears came.

 

Thank you for the advice Aquatic. Yesterday when she visited me I asked her if she counted on me as a real friend. She said that a “real friend” was a big word and that she needed some minutes to think about it. Yeah she didn’t even know if she counted me like one. Well eventually she decided that yes, she counted on me as a real friend. I told her that it did hurt a bit that she the last time we fought just decided to shut me out. Then I teased her saying that she really should stop making me cry all the time. She laughed a little and agreed, I think she was embarrassed for the times she had made me cry. Anyway we made a deal that we would talk things through next time something bothered us.

 

Then she gave me a pot with cookies she had taken with her.

Me: “Oh so cute.”

E: “No, it’s not cute, it’s just a present.”

Me: “So sweet of you.” [i know that she doesn’t like to be cute and sweet so it was just teasing on my part.]

E: “No, not sweet, it’s just something I did slovenly.

Me: “They look so adorable, it’s must have taken time.”

E: “Do you want me to take it back or what?”

I continued to tease her saying that she would make perfect housewife, that she would look lovely with apron and that her future husband could expect getting homemade cookies every day and while he was working she would patiently wait for him and occupy herself with reading sweet romances. Well she began to tease me too as revenge. She said that she had known all along since we were kids that I secretly didn’t hate her that much as I pretended as I always when we were all alone acted strange around her and sometimes even could be tolerable when I hadn’t my friends with me. So very embarrassing, I guess I always had confused feelings concerning her and wasn’t any good at hiding it either.

 

She said she was going to visit her family tomorrow and that I could come with her so I could get to see her other siblings and her mother and not just her brother.

 

I think E's confusion and/or lack of 'action' may very well be connected to fears of intimacy

 

I think E is somewhat disgusted by sex. She says she doesn’t like the word “lovemaking” (which by the way is the word her mother always uses for sex) because it sounds so emotional, sugary and sickly-sweet. And I have the feeling that she’s to some extent sickened by love too. I don’t know if it could be because she’s asexual or associates sex and love to her mother (apparently her mother always talks about how deeply in love she is). So she isn’t exactly the best person to get a crush on.

 

Wayfara, that girl loves you!

 

I wish, lol. If I would tell someone: “I have a crush on my friend E. She has sometimes hugged me, cupped my face one time and brushed my hair one time but she has denied being gay several times,” and then ask that someone if I had a chance with E I’m sure I would be told “no way”, that the hugging, brushing and cupping of face were platonic, a lot a friends do that, and that I really should believe her words and move on instead of asking me that stupid question.

 

keep us updated

 

I’ll try but my internet hasn't been working very well lately so maybe I won’t be able.

[millaj]

I have this cool vision in my head of the whole situation. What you all look like, etc. lol. I feel like a big sister watching you guys. lol.

[candy_the_confused]

You and E are so cute!!

i'm happy that things are going well between you as friends.

oh careful not to gain too much weight from all the cookies lol

 

so you think if you told someone that you have a crush on a girl that cupped your face once, brushed your hair once and baked you cookies, that this someone will tell you to move on because she probably has no feelings for you except just platonic ones, well this could be true, but on the other hand, if E tells anyone about your mom being mrs detective and accusing E of being a lesbian following her "straight" daughter, and your years and years of teasing and bullying her, this person will tell E: MOVE ON YOU HAVE NO CHANCE WITH WAYFARA!

 

my point is that things are NOT always what they seem to be. look at what you have in your heart for her now, she MIGHT as well have feelings for you even her actions are not saying so in the meanwhile. however i see most of her actions show that she likes you a lot. hope you fix your internet connection soon and keep us updated.

[Tigris]

If she didn't like you at all she wouldn't keep letting you back into her life when things went wrong between the two of you.

 

I'm dying to hear what you have to tell us about her mother and her other siblings. Her Mother is bound to say something about her bringing a girl home. I wonder how much teasing the two of you get this time?

 

Wayfara do you know what's causing the problem with your computer? Have you been doing regular virus scans and updates of programmes? Have you got a Spyware programme? Do you defragment your system regularly?

 

I've had problems before and then I've remembered to do these. If it's something else maybe someone on here could help you?

[aquatic]

E: “Do you want me to take it back or what?”

lol

 

Hope the visit went well. She doesn't have sisters, no?

[alcide]

I gues u really want that girl oh Dear, start treating her extremely nice do everything with her go the extreme with her if u guys bath together take the chance to admire her body. Don't let her see that u'r too interested but just keep doing nice things with her. One day soon she will full for u but u need to make a move on her when u'll get more attach with one another. Let her see that u love her. Take it slow... But spend all the time u can.

 

Do u really want that? You should try to get over her casue I feel she is difficult and it might be alot of trying, but still try your luck if that would make you happy.

[alcide]

so whats the latest with u and E TAKE IT SLOW