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Firstly I would just like to send out my heartfelt feelings for all the other people on this board, at least knowing that you are not the only one kinda helps.

 

My situation seems all too familiar & is detailed below, the problem I am facing right now is I am absolutely certain we were meant to be together (I know this sounds cliched but I really really am certain of this & dont want to lose the 'one' in my life)

 

Me & Lisa started dating when we were 17 (8 1/2 years ago) & had a really good relationship, she also played in my band which is still going with a few member changes).

 

About 4 years ago I had an indiscretion (heavy petting but no sex) with a girl at a party. I was going on holiday with L the next day (with my parents also) so I couldnt handle the guilt & knew that what I had done was wrong & would also destroy her. I told her & we argued etc but in the end she forgave me for which I am eternally grateful.

 

That Xmas eve She couldnt get into the pub which me & a group of friends were in & the girl with which i had cheated on L with was there with her boyfriend. In a drunken moment we kissed each other but that was that, i never told Lisa about this becuase I knew it would mean the end.

 

Fast forward 2 years & things were going fine, again when drunk at an office party I kissed a girl from work which was a huge mistake & was all sorted in the morning, there were no feelings at all between the two of us. Again I didnt tell L about this because I was too guilty & wanted to protect her feelings.

 

Now I know that i did really wrong & that I only have myself to blame for her feelings about all of this (which she does know about now). Anyway the final 2 years of our relationship kinda jsut passed with both of us jsut really existing, sure we went on holiday & we got each other great presents, But looking back i missed all the warning signs & probably gave out enough of them myself even though I did love her greatly, I took it for advantage (Even though I had promised myself I would never do this).

 

So it gets to November just gone & she was pretty cold & a bit distant so I knew something was up, now I had always been waiting for the day when she cheated on me because I pretty much knew it would be inevitable after all that time, I quizzed her about it & eventually she told me there was a guy at college (shes doing an MA) she fancied & she held hands with him & they kissed once. I dealt with this, obviously upset but forgiving & we had a period of 2 weeks to resolve this before I went on holiday for a week. When i was on holiday i called her & sent her emails, she didnt reply to any of my emails even though she was fine on the phone - it felt like things were back to normal. Until I checked her email account (using the forgot password thing) which was despicable but my intentions were honarable just to check my emails were getting through.

 

When looking at her inbox there were 5 or so messages from the singer in my band & curious - thinking they would be regarding the band - I opened one. Shock horror it was all about a night when they had kissed each other, drunk at my house on the day I moved in after I had gone to bed. I was devastated, I had a feeling something was up becuase on the last few days of October a group of friends including the singer (who has been friends with us for many years) & her had all gone to Manchester in a people carrier & I sat in the front to give directions & keep the driver awake. On the way there things were cool & we all had a good time in Manchester watching the wrestling (very grown up!). On the way back everyone was falling asleep & Lisa was leaning on the singer from my Band - I looked & was very Jealous - I wanted to be in the back with her, If only I had. It turns out this was the first time anything had happened, they had started to hold hands in that kind of affectionate way.

 

After about $400 of phonecalls from USA I had kind of dealt with the feelings of betrayl & wanted to keep up the relationship, she informed nothing was going on & to this day I still trust her about this. I needed to work out the best thing for the band (which looked like it could really be going somewhere at last) so we talked & decided not to let the singer know that I knew because he isnt very good at conflict & he would leave the band.

 

I got back from america & because of all the phonecalls things kind of just went ok. Until the 3rd Jan when I called her & she was quite cold so i apologised & tried to call her again but once again we kind of just argued, so i sent her an email along the lines of whats going on, I want this relationship to work but I am fed up of being messed about etc (God I wish I had never sent that email) she phoned me back & said it was over & that she didnt love me. We talked by phone some more & I found out that she had kissed the singer again in the middle of december (2 weeks after I got back from holiday) Again it was in my house whilst i was drunk & passed out (Now please dont think I have a drink problem it was a massive group of friends all very drunk at an xmas party that progressed back at my house so everyone was drunk including her & him). So my obvious question was how much does this have to do with the realtionship breakup?

 

The answer i got was that it was nothing to do with this that was a sympton not a cause & that she needed space to be herself & had been feeling less & less like she loved me for about a year (why didnt she tell me - I know I should have noticed & I feel like an absolute idiot & I kick myself everyday for being complacent about my love for her). She told me she really doesnt want to get into any relationships anytime soon but also said she does have feelings for the singer. The end to the tale is that after talking & kind of initally agreeing to be friends I stayed in that night with a couple of friends & cried most of the evening in disbelief (although we had split up once before it was 4 years ago & only for a day) she went out with her friends & the singer was there & they again kissed, she has since told me that she really really wishes this had not happened & really feels bad for what she has done.

 

So i was left with this almighty hell of a situation, the first thing to sort was us & we agreed to be friends then I had to sort the singer so I confronted him in a relaxed & proactive manner, even saying that we could possibly mend the situation for the sake of the band (although truthfully I wanted to kill him) He confirmed that he made all the moves on Lisa but said it wasnt his fault & there was nothing he could do, not one bit of remorse or apology, in short he was no friend at all. So he has been ejected from the band but Lisa still wants to be his friend. I have described how cut up I would be if they start seeing each other. How can she have feelings for a guy who has systematically pursued my girlfriend & also done it twice before to other friends (although with no success until now!) He is pure scum in my eyes & I wish I could turn back time & never invite him into the band.

 

The situation i now find myself in is one of disbelief. I love this girl so much & am so sure she was the one, I was so happy & always lived my life to make her happy (although I obviously screwed up somewhere along the lines). I just wish she had talked to me about it before it got this serious & I am sure that part of her feelings are guilt along the lines of;

 

I cheated on him that means i really must not love him & maybe i would do it again, he probably cant forgive me, well in case she ever reads this - i can & i do, you gave me that level of forgiveness & i have always been prepared to do the same.

 

So what do I do now, we have band practice minus singer tonight - with her still in it. We are able to talk & be mates (even though its only 4 days ago) but I still hold onto that love & want her back. I am certain that it isnt just a reaction, I had such a good thing it is worth fighting for & I am not going to give up.

 

I know that badgering her & pushing her into things, always calling, always texting, emailing etc isnt the way to go because it will just push her (possibly into the singers arms - god forbid) but to just forget it & keep minimal contact is sooooo hard.

 

I wonder where she is, if shes ok, hearing her voice makes me happy.

 

We were soulmates & best friends, realistically if we never get back together I would like to think we can remain best friends (ideally i would like to give her the space she needs & then make a new relationship as boyfriend & girlfriend together), the soulmates thing has to disappear because that was part of the boyfriend - girlfriend bond & will never come back until that does. But can we be best mates or will the past experiences stop us being this close will we just become ancillary friends in a larger group of mates (we have a large circle of friends - mostly blokes which doesnt really help me!).

 

I am very scared to give her this space although I will because for any eventuality involving us seeing each other again (as friends or more) I must, I feel that if i do this she will be subverted by the exsinger further & end up in a relationship with him & I will lose her as a friend as well as losing any chance of getting back together then (How can i be happy for her with this guy who has basically stuck a knife in & turned it).

 

It is hard, I want to call her & I do, I want to text her & I do but i do also hold back from doing it as much as I would like, the calls & texts are civil but its really hard not to dump my feelings on her which then means she will feel guilty & run further away, I know what i have to do is be her friend & make her realise why she loved me in the first place, the problem is I dont know why she loved me in the first place, I was 17 life was very very different then.

 

To say I am petrified of being single would be an understatment, I live my life as a social animal & dont want to jump into another relationship but also dont want to be without Lisa.

 

What do I do, Has anyone had a similar situation & actually managed to rebuild a happy new relationship?

 

Thanks for reading if anyone made it to the end.

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Woah. Well, at least you have sorted out your feelings, gotten them all out and really know where your heart. I commend you for going here and getting it ALL out.

 

I do believe that she was hurt, probably deeply, by your "drunken" actions with those other females. That isn't something that is easy for a girl to forget, or forgive. Maybe that pushed her into thinking about the relationship and how strong or true it is. As you said, it's a long relationship, and you feel as though she is your "soul-mate" but you must be honest that if she doesn't love you as you have once loved her, it is over. And sometimes, "just being best friends" is painful, angonizing and impossible. One expects one thing, the other gets annoyed or jealous.

 

Though, I know how you feel, regarding the texting and constant contacting or wanting to call her, it does seem to push some people further away. When you step back and show her that you can live without her (even for a day) then maybe she will see you stronger and more mature and will respect that, come back to you honestly.

 

I understand how hard all of this must be for you. You really shouldn't have fooled around or kissed others, if you did indeed find your life-match. But, I'm not one to say how one should act.

 

Try not to drink too much, aye? It seems when there is alcohol around, trouble is a few steps away.

 

Talk to her, but don't bombard her with emails and phone calls. Don't stalk, though some may seem this to be oddly romantic, most find this to be psychotic.

 

Stay int ouch, give her space, tell her how you feel and wait.

 

See what happens. If it was meant to be, she will be in your arms in no time. Maybe this singer-infatuation she has is just a girlish passing thing, and could have something to do with the fact that you weren't all that faithful in the past? I'm glad you know that what you did was wrong.

 

Good luck, be honest, keep your distance but don't give up.

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