worth the wait?

[alaconda]

hi, I am new here... and I have a question on this topic. I am kinda stuck in this relationship w/ this good friend of mine. Her and I known each other for many years now. We have been best of friends for a long time, and I fell in love with her couple of years ago. I actually told her how I feel... and she told me that she did actually liked me just a year or so before I told her my feelings. Well, she told me that she is into this other guy for a while now, they are not together... but she can't get over him. And she told me that she doesn't really know how she feels about me, she thinks of me as her "big brother" and she said she would never risk our friendship. BUT here is the problem, she gets really jealous when I talk to other girls, she always want to know where I am at and who I am talking to, she always want to see me, she feels guilty if she goes out and not telling me where she is at... and she thinks that her day is longer if she doesn't get to talk to me. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT? I think she has a problem... whether she has a problem admitting her feelings or she just needs attentions... but I do really like her... I don't know what to do. I can't just stop talking to her cuZ she is a really good friend... Do you think it's worth to wait? Will she ever realize? And is it true that nice guy finish last? (sorry for such a long msg...)

[SwingFox]

Dear Alaconda,

 

Nice posting ... good explanation of your situation. The answer on your question look quite simple. The way I see it is this: you draw the line to what you find acceptable in your love life. If you feel you should wait, then just simply wait. If you feel that you should move on, then move on.

 

I find it a scary thought for you to feel so attached to her. I think that if she doesn't make the commitment, you shouldn't feel guilty over what you are doing (with other girls). A direct advice to you could be to blow her mind a little and then see what happens. How? Date a woman, tell your friend that you did, but don't tell her what you have been doing and where you went. Then keep quiet and await her response, or better ... tell her that you have to go places and leave her behind puzzled. Call her the same evening to see how she responds. May be that will shed some light on how she feels.

 

Good luck!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[anon_0275]

Interesting situation. This sounds like a small case of dependency with a twist of insecurity on her part. Since she does think of you as her Big Brother (perhaps with possible benefits) she might use you as a small blanket of comfort. But, since you two may share the same feelings at this time (despite her somewhere lost in Heart Break Hotel) it doesn't seem like it would harm anything to wait a while. But knowing she may be slightly dependent upon you (psychologically) I don't know if I would advise her on other dates you are going on, and intentionally try to leave her out of the loop (although this would be a great way of testing this possible dependency). She might act quite upset if you do tho! If your feelings for her are genuine, the passing of time while she sorts things out shouldn't hurt your chances with her.

[alaconda]

thanks for the responses guys

 

I find it a scary thought for you to feel so attached to her.

well... ME TOO!!! I never thought I would get attach to someone this much... this is actually weird feeling. We have so much history together... we have been through thick and thin w/ each other for a long time... maybe that's why it is so hard to walk away... ...

 

How? Date a woman,

I did date other girls... and yeah... she just flat out told me that she doesn't like it... and that she is jealous of it. But when I ask her why... she couldn't explain... she just think that those girls are not right for me. And it is also hard for me to date these other girls when I am so into her still... you know? I always back right out as soon as things get serious w/ me and these girls... .... how sad... *lol

 

tell your friend that you did, but don't tell her what you have been doing and where you went.

I do that a lot actually... and this is what she would do... she would call me like every hour (really... exact an hour apart)... or send me text msgs on my cell... or better yet... she would start calling my friends to find out where I am at... she has problem??? I THINK SO!!!! and no... she still says that she doesn't like me THAT way... ...

 

This sounds like a small case of dependency with a twist of insecurity on her part.

you know what? she did mention something like that... and she did once said and I quote "It's hard for me to believe that someone like you could like me... when I can't even accept myself..." so yeah... she does have this insecurity thing going on...

 

She might act quite upset if you do tho!

OH YEAH... she did...

 

If your feelings for her are genuine, the passing of time while she sorts things out shouldn't hurt your chances with her.

yeah... my feelings are genuine... that's for sure! BUT... sometimes things are just not meant to be right? and that's what I am afraid of... I don't wanna waste my time and pass up on other chances... you know? That's why I feel so stuck...

[alleyfox1607306442]

I think I can add an interesting perspective on this. My boyfriend has a friend that sounds a lot like this girl. She gets mad about whoever he dates and doesn't like them. She doesn't explain why but expects him to treat her like a princess. Now, I don't think she likes him like that, but it is more of a dependency. I know she doesn't want him sexually, but she does want someone at her beck and call. The problem is that it isn't fair on me, the girlfriend. Girls like this in general have a good guy friend and don't want to lose the attention that this friend will give them. I have had this in a previous relationship as well. It isn't your fault, some girls like someone who will do anything for them, and it sounds like you are falling into that catergory. The bottom line is that you can NOT run your life around this girl. If she is really your friend, she will either pick you up or let you have your own life. Not letting you date anyone else without getting jealous? That is not cool and you need let her know, in a nice way, that this friendship doesn't revolve around her whims, plain and simple. You can wait, but not to long. You are not living your life for this girl.