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Should I stay or Should I Go


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Ok, For lack of anyone to really talk to here goes. My wife and I have been married for seventeen years. We have four kids 21, 19, 15, and 9. My oldest is a young lady and the rest are boys. Yes you can figure the maths wrong. I was married young before and the two oldest were came with me. But she raised them and loved them all the same. We both had early marriages and subsequent divorces and had sworn in vain to never remarry again. The two yougest are ours. I was in the military up until two years ago I retired and we relocated for work in N.C. Our marriage has had your average ups and downs like any marriage. We have been through alot of tough times with me being in the military..absenses, frequent moves, etc. My wife was always there for me and put up with things due to my career other wives wouldn't think of. I always appreciated that and told her often. We met and were friends with each other for over a year before we fell in love. It was totatly accidental, but great at the same time. We loved each other dearly all these years and have always been good together as well as good friends. I love her more than life itself.

She has always been honest with me. About seven months ago she met a woman at a friend's party. I was with her at the time. They hit it off. I thought she had found a new friend. As she wanted to hang out with her friend more often I began to feel a little left out. Finally she told me that she was attracted to this woman and wanted to experience something with her. MOST guys out there would think the old "two women thing" at this time. I was surprised somewhat but I told her at the time if it was something she needed then I would try to understand. (Understand this, this woman meant everything to me and still does but I only wanted to make her happy) Well, as you can probably guess it made her REALLY happy. To the point that she beagn staying away from home with her friend.

For the first few times I was able to cover with the kids saying that she stayed too late at our friends house (40 miles away) and stayed the night to not drive home half asleep. Then she started staying away two, three, and four nights. The older ones have figured it out, but worst of all my nine year old son is really smart for his age. He doesn't know the details, but he knows whats happening. I try to be there with him and my kids have really been there for each other and me. I tried talking to her but she has made up her mind that she is moving out. She tells me she loves me and then leaves to stay with her girlfriend. She comes home on the weekends. She has a good job and is still working. I don't remember the last time we made love. But we still cuddle and she has opened up to me a few times. She says she is confused. But at the same times she is making plans with this woman. She has always been a great mom and wife. She says that we have been in a rut for sometime. I have never lacked for telling her I love her or for showing affection for her. She is still attractive to me. That goes the same on her part. All our friends always accused us of being high school kids. We have always had a strong healthy relationship. Always open and honest with each other. I ask her if we have a chance or can we make a go of it. She says that she has to do this, and that she doesn't know about us.

We went out with the kids yesterday to the movies and for a bite to eat. She held my hand, kissed me some, and told me she loved me. When she looked into my eyes it was my wife, my best friend looking at me. It was good...life was good. I could breathe. She left today.

Her mom knows, I didn't tell her, my 19 year old son called and talked to my mother-in-law because he was upset and worried. She talked to my wife and basically said that her daugter was confused. She thinks that she is going thru a mid-life crisis. My wife is 36. I am 41. Even her closest friends say the same thing. I am trying to understand this but truthfully its killing me. Breathing is no longer a natural reflex. She is the love of my life, the mother of my children. My mother-in-law and father-in-law have always considered me one of the family. They still love their daughter but they know its killing me and the kids. They have offered to help us come to GA and get us settled. I told my wife and she said she wouldn't be coming but that I should since I would have the support of her parents and my mother. I have pleaded with her a million times to give me and the kids a chance, and herself as well. Sometimes she seems to seriously consider it., but then turns away. Her nerves are shot, I know my wife she doesn't eat right, she has stomach problems, etc

I am pretty sure that between these things I have mentioned and other things too numerous to mention that she is having a mid-life/Idenity crisis.

Something about this woman seems to have made a different lifestyle more attractive than marriage and kids. THis is so not like her.

I never give up. I am just too damn stubborn or stupid. But she says she needs time to figure out what she wants. I don't know whether I should leave with the kids and go to GA to give her time and space. Or stay longer so that she won't forget that we exist, and that we are still important. If I leave I might be making the biggest mistake for all of us. However, everytime she walks out that door I die another death. Truthfully, if it weren't for the kids I don't know what I would have done by now. They are my anchors! As long as she comes to be with them and me it seems like part of her is still trying. I might just crush any chance of her pulling out of this tailspin if I leave her alone with that woman. (Incidentally, according to our mutual friends this woman is a good person, that she seems to be pulled into this herself without much control) They don't like this either but will always be friends to both of us reguardless. We are not fighting. The craziest thing is that she still loves me and says with meaning. I can still feel it. I would gladly fight hell itself for this woman.

I can't fight this other woman for various reasons. If I say anything about this person, my wife gets really defensive and I lose. I feel that if this woman were to drop out of the picture my wife and me could have sometime that could heal everything. That maybe she would commit time and effort to us. I have pleaded with her to give us time. To leave her by herself and go stay with her mom in GA or her friend in Illinois so that she can collect her thoughts with nobody around, but she says she can't leave the job. (Its a real good one and she will be making a large amount of money soon, and she loves the job) She told me I was a great husband, dad, friend, and lover. Then she kissed me and left again the next day. WHAT THE HECK!

One minute I think that going to GA would give her time and I would have adults to talk to, and a sanity check or two. See, she has always been my best friend, now I can't talk to my best friend. And maybe (slight chance I know) she will figure out whats really important to her and come back to us where our home is in GA. But if I do I could be slamming the door on the only woman I will ever love. Maybe with this last connection completely severed she will lose everything to this and I and my kids will lose her forever. I must make this decision to stay, and then to leave 10 times a day now. I confess that I am luckier than most guys that have their credit cards crashed,loss their kids and home and are treated like scum. She has not treated us badly like that . But at the same time I am a fool who loves the woman who is his wife for better or for worse and always keeps hoping for the best. She seems so lost sometimes and I worry more for her for the sake of her, more than I do do for my family as a whole. You see she is the other half of me. When I leave and hope and pray she will remember us but my heart will slowly die inside waiting. The only thing that will ever be left is for my kids.

But then I am scared if I stay that things might get ugly or I might just go right off the edge and do something that I would regret. I am not a mean spirited man. I am decent, hardworking, and have basically good moral values. I don't want this to get ugly. All I want to do is hope that my wife and I will have a chance. Maybe I am just a lovesick fool who should just wake up, leave, and forget it. But she is my life, my love, and the best friend I ever had.

I can't quit believing in her! In us! In fact this reality I am in feels so unreal its scary. This is a nightmare that I keep praying I will wake up from.


There is a fine line between love and Insanity
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I've read your post twice to make sure I didn't miss anything. I'm so very sorry to hear you are going through this. It looks to me like you are stuck in a very bad spot with no way out.


I understand perhaps your wife still loves you and is confused. And it sounds very much like you still love her. Do you think she would agree to counseling to try and figure things out? This will be very painful for both of you, but its the only thing I see that can save this relationship.


If she will not agree, I highly recommend you go to counseling yourself. Since your wife was your best friend, you have noone to confide in right now. And you really need to - probably more than at any time in your life. You have recognized the signs that you might do something stupid. Extreme stress can really do a number on your body and your mind. So for your sake and for your kids sake please go see somebody you can trust. They can help you with sorting things out for yourself, how to break this to your kids, taking care of yourself, etc. Its going to take time but you can get through this.


Of course we will try to help you here as well, but most of us are not professionals. You may need some medication to help settle things down for you a little bit.


Hang in there. I will pray for you and your children. PM me if you need to.

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