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fantastic relationship broke up purely due to different religion.


Karhu

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yes. I guess she is a bit of a "princess" and the world then seems to revolve around her. Everyone notices her, she has strangers/stalkers tracking her car movements, many many admirers of her stuck in the "friend zone" (a lot of her male friends got INCREADIBLY jealous when I started dating her). She says she would prefer not to have all the attention, bus somehow her personality and actions seem to attract many satellites.

 

I wonder how many other guys she’s done this to.

 

Well I’m not going to be another satellite. I’m not going to suck up to her in some dream of someday winning the princess back.

 

I am who I am, I believe in what I want to believe in. I am the only one that can change me.

I will be open minded and respect other people for what they are, and hope that others are also open minded and respect others beliefs. But I will not bend over backwards and become someone’s slave, I am an individual.

 

Now I’m seeing she seems a bit narrow minded, not accepting me for my beliefs that she knows absolutely nothing about. You can’t judge something you don’t know about. And she won’t look at anything besides the interpretation from her church, because she’s scared of being affected by a “bad spirit”. I think you only really know you have the truth if you investigate everything and make an informed decision. For the real truth is not scared of independent investigation.

 

I guess I’ve at least learnt from this that the qualities of independent investigation of truth is important. And respecting others beliefs is also important in a relation. I think it’s more important to respect others differences and utilize the differences in the harmonious union then to simply change partners whenever there is someone that thinks differently, as a narrow minded person will not be happy in the long run when something else inevitably pops up. While an accepting person in a relation built on communication can deal with differences.

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Maybe I missed some further developments in this thread but how is it judging to decide only to marry within your own religion? I agree her personality might not be suitable for you (and she doesn't sound very nice) and I am glad you learned all this about her and don't see her as perfect but unless she actually judged your religious beliefs I don't see why her preference to date within her own religion is a judgment of your beliefs.

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Maybe I missed some further developments in this thread but how is it judging to decide only to marry within your own religion? I agree her personality might not be suitable for you (and she doesn't sound very nice) and I am glad you learned all this about her and don't see her as perfect but unless she actually judged your religious beliefs I don't see why her preference to date within her own religion is a judgment of your beliefs.

 

I think it’s fine to make a decision about something when you understand it. It is infeasible to expect everyone to believe the same as you.

 

What I don’t think is right is if someone makes a judgment on something they know absolutely nothing about, and say they can’t even try to understand it, as if they investigate it they would be affected by a “bad spirit”. And so blindly follow what their sect of the church teaches, labeling things they don’t know about as a “bad spirit”.

 

Blindly following any interpretation can only lead to fanaticism. And if the person was born in another part of the world it’d be just as likely they’d be blindly following Muslim, Buddhist or whatever religion their family/culture is involved in, and automatically call anything else different from the faith they were born into as being wrong.

 

I think people should respect other people’s beliefs even if they don’t believe them themselves.

And not pass judgment on things they don’t know about.

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I don't see why her preference to date within her own religion is a judgment of your beliefs.

 

She was fine dating him all these years knowing their differences in beliefs and then something suddenly changed. In my mind the question is is she just using their religious differences as an excuse to break up?

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Karhu,

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. You are an extremely thoughtful guy, and you deserve better than this jerk of a girl. Regardless of the whole religion mumbo-jumbo, it's clear that she doesn't give a rat's a** about you or your feelings. The business with her taking YOUR Dublin ticket- she's walking all over you, man.

 

I'm sorry, she doesn't need time to sort through her feelings. Dump her now, if you haven't already. Start looking for somebody else. For somebody with your maturity and depth of feeling it shouldn't be difficult.

 

If it comforts you at all- just from the discussions on this thread you have encouraged me to learn more about the Bahai faith (spelling?). I consider myself pretty learned in matters of religion, but Bahai is a faith I know nothing about. If you are a typical representative of your faith, it must be a very beautiful faith indeed. A lot of what you have said demonstrates a much more mature worldview than the religions I am accustomed to.

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She was fine dating him all these years knowing their differences in beliefs and then something suddenly changed. In my mind the question is is she just using their religious differences as an excuse to break up?

 

from what I understood it was only a few months, maybe shorter and I agree that she may be using it as an excuse.

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Thank you for your kind words

 

Yes, it is a very positive faith. It has helped me through many things in all aspects of my life.

 

I like it how there are reasons behind the guidance instead of having to do something purely on faith.

It has helped me grow immensely in my personal life. The down to earth teachings for how to build a unified global civilization also inspire me a lot as I’ve always wanted to assist in making the world a better place, making heaven on earth. I used to feel like a lone ranger in the betterment of the world before I found out about the Bahai faith, now it’s nice to now be surrounded by lots of other positive people with similar goals.

 

Yes, I agree I should get back onto the dating scene. I know there are a few females that are very interested in me.

I generally don’t rush into things, I am only interested in dating for potential of a serious relationship.

 

My intuition normally is very accurate, which helps direct me towards more positive people. That’s why I was so suppressed about what happened with this woman as she seemed good at first. I value a persons integrity very highly, and good communication skills are important, as inevitably all relationships will have rough patches, the key to success is not just how strong the sparks are at the start, but how the two complete individuals can work through the issues in life, and develop through the process.

 

I see man and woman as the two wings of a bird. Equality is essential, for if one wing is weaker then the bird can not fly. Differences are important, a bird can’t fly with two right wings. Unity in diversity allows both wings to support each other, moving in unison to obtain the miracle of flight.

 

I just have to find my other wing.

 

 

 

Yes, it was about two and a half months. I know that’s not that long, but still, I agree this might be just an excuse.

If it is an excuse, then I’d prefer hearing the real honest reasons.

I believe truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues.

If there is a problem I prefer people to talk openly about it. I can handle the truth, and advantage from learning from the truth. But then I guess the real reason is often very hard to articulate, so it’s good to have a scapegoat reason for breaking up.

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I saw her last night, first contact for over 2 weeks (just when I was getting my mind straight).

 

She just happened to turn up at the salsa club that she knows I ritually go to every single Monday night, and then said “oh, what a pleasant surprise to run into you”

 

Actually I knew she was there when I walked into the place and ran into her brother in the rest room. I saw considering slipping out the back without meting her, but then knew that her brother would tell her that I was there, and it’d be strange. So I was civilized and made an appearance.

 

She nodded when I came in, but was in the middle of a dance with a guy, so I waited for them to finish their dance to greet properly, but she just went on to chat up the guy for an hour or so. It was a bit strange, but didn’t really bother me as I went on to do my usual dancing as if she wasn’t there.

 

Later we got to dancing together, there was the usual chemistry when we danced, we always get wild together, and do a lot of crazy dance movies. Then the guy from before interrupted (don’t you know it’s polite to wait for people to finish the song) as he was leaving and wanted to give her his phone number. I could see the intentions, with clear body language, flirtatious looks and smiles from both sides. Then she came back, and said that she wanted to learn Spanish, and he was willing to teach her. Sure, I believe your motives… NOT!

 

Well that doesn’t matter if she does it in front of me, as she’s my ex. Although she is a very flirtatious person, which bothered me a bit before, and if she wasn’t interested in me then why was she still flirting with me last night?

 

Anyway, she gave me a lift home (in the spirit of NC I probably should have refused her offer and taken the bus). When we got to my street, we ended out sitting in the cat chatting for an hour, not talking about relationships, or any of the issues, just light hearted joking etc.

 

I know in an unrelated conversation (can’t remember exactly what it was about, but a different context) she said “I couldn’t hurt anyone”, which I replied “at least not intentionally”. I didn’t elaborate on it, but could see in her eyes that she was affected, maybe she’ll go home and have a think about what she’s been doing.

 

Anyway, we mainly had light hearted fun conversation, it was a lot of fun! But that doesn’t change things, if she’s going to not respect me and my beliefs, and also be flirtations with everyone then I don’t want to get involved and would prefer to move on with my life. I only want something that is real and serious. So I’ll be friendly, but I guess I should still be moving on.

 

She also said that she had lots of photos from the holiday and wanted to invite me around to see them (actually I’m kind of curious if she replaced my ticket with another guy). I indicated that it was ok for her to call me. But I know I’m not going to bother chasing her.

 

I am wondering about all this no contact stuff that is so popular in the forums. I think that a lot of our problems came from misunderstandings, so communication through friendship could be beneficial.

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I don't think she disrespected your beliefs - although you might have disrespected her beliefs that she should not date outside her religion - if her decision had been based on not wanting to date outside her religion that is not "disrespect." However, as you describe this, this likely has nothing or little to do with religious differences - this is simply a matter of she wasn't into you enough to be exclusive. I think it's a mistake to try to be friends with someone you still have feelings for because friends - by definition - share details about their dating and relationships, right? particularly in your case since you say you are so into open communication you would talk about the other people you each are pursuing and dating, right?

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although you might have disrespected her beliefs that she should not date outside her religion -

 

That's not fair to say. It's not like he forced himself on her, or begged her to date him. If her "beliefs" mandated that she only date within her tribe, then she should have made that clear at the beginning of the relationship, which she clearly did not. This is more about an issue of basic respect, not religion, and she's clearly violated that on many accounts, regardless of whatever beliefs she may or may not have.

 

I don't see anywhere in here where he has demonstrated anything but complete understanding and acceptance of her faith, which she is not reciprocating.

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That's not fair to say. It's not like he forced himself on her, or begged her to date him. If her "beliefs" mandated that she only date within her tribe, then she should have made that clear at the beginning of the relationship, which she clearly did not. This is more about an issue of basic respect, not religion, and she's clearly violated that on many accounts, regardless of whatever beliefs she may or may not have.

 

I don't see anywhere in here where he has demonstrated anything but complete understanding and acceptance of her faith, which she is not reciprocating.

 

Well, no, in earlier posts he questioned why it had to be an issue to date outside of one's religion. Questioning is fine, judging it as negative is disrespecting her religious beliefs (my religion for example forbids interfaith dating). I completely agree that she should have told him from the beginning that she couldn't get seriously involved with him. Since I decided not to date outside my religion, at age 17, I have never knowingly gone on a date with someone of a different religion. I have made a mistake once - where I thought he was of my religion and as soon as I found out on the first date that he wasn't there was no second date.

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Although she is a very flirtatious person, which bothered me a bit before, and if she wasn’t interested in me then why was she still flirting with me last night?

Because she enjoys flirting with people, and you happened to be there. I really hope you don't think that there is still a chance of something between you... I think she's made it quite clear that she's not the type of girl that you are looking for.

I know in an unrelated conversation (can’t remember exactly what it was about, but a different context) she said “I couldn’t hurt anyone”, which I replied “at least not intentionally”. I didn’t elaborate on it, but could see in her eyes that she was affected, maybe she’ll go home and have a think about what she’s been doing.

Maybe. She hasn't shown any inclination to do so in the past, I don't see why that would change, but who knows.

I am wondering about all this no contact stuff that is so popular in the forums. I think that a lot of our problems came from misunderstandings, so communication through friendship could be beneficial.

Possibly, but that kind of thing makes it harder to move on. At the very least I think it is wise to go at least a week or two with NC, and then trying to reform the friendship later after you've had some time apart to think things through. Just tell her that you need some time to think by yourself or something to that effect.

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Possibly, but that kind of thing makes it harder to move on. At the very least I think it is wise to go at least a week or two with NC, and then trying to reform the friendship later after you've had some time apart to think things through. Just tell her that you need some time to think by yourself or something to that effect.

 

yes, i think you're right. and it doesn't make it any easier when we were together last night, and she was acting sily, giving me the cheeky look, hitting me with a roll of paper etc.

 

i don't mind being friends if she'll be just friends with me, but when we were together she made it seem like there was hope for something more then friends. but then i don't want to mess around with someone that is just going to toy with me and string me allong while she is obviously doing the same with several other guys.

 

i only want something serious, exclusive with mutual respect.

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Well, no, in earlier posts he questioned why it had to be an issue to date outside of one's religion. Questioning is fine, judging it as negative is disrespecting her religious beliefs (my religion for example forbids interfaith dating). I completely agree that she should have told him from the beginning that she couldn't get seriously involved with him. Since I decided not to date outside my religion, at age 17, I have never knowingly gone on a date with someone of a different religion. I have made a mistake once - where I thought he was of my religion and as soon as I found out on the first date that he wasn't there was no second date.

 

that is good you make the decision upfront. a respectful decision before anyone gets hurt.

 

as said earlier in this thread, it doesn't seem like she has some hard rule about not dating outside of the religion, and this only developed later.

 

and i know some of the guys she's flirting with now are not christian.

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  • 4 years later...
  • 7 months later...

Im going through this aswell.. But he ended it with me because his family would not accept me because neither lebanese or muslim.. And marrying outside the culture or religion is a disgrace. But they wanted me to know that they will always love me.. Im not sure how to deal with this whole situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

I should add that im greek orthodox and was raised the same and my family would also not accept the relationship. But i was soo inlove i didnt care and figured since they were my family they'd respect my decision, trust me, and one day accept it.

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  • 4 years later...

I am going through a bit of the same thing. I am Agnostic and he is Christian. That in and of itself doesn't bother me. The problem is that he's joined a Chrisitian Motorcycle Club and MC's are a big part of a man's life therefore it's in my lap daily between conference calls, the call to go to church and Bible study, and finally, the blogs that talk about the importance of their "ole lady" to be supportive and involved. I can't do that since I do not believe in the premise of their club. I can let him go do this thing but the more involved he is, the more it takes from me and that alone will damage the relationship. It seems hopeless but I'll be the one to break it off because if he feels he needs to chose, he needs to choose the MC. Aside from this issue, we are "perfect" together too.

 

As far as your issue here, sadly, you can't change this situation without someone compromising themselves. She broke up with you because your difference was just too great for her. I am so sorry because I do understand since I am possibly going to be going through the same thing.

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