help me figure out what this guy wants from me!

[missmebaby]

i am currently in a very confusing relationship. i dont really know what this guy wants from me, i dont know if hes with me for all the wrong reasons, and i dont know whether i should even want to stay with him. let me explain:

 

we've been together now for 4 months. in the beginning he was the most amazing guy ive ever dated. he paid alot of attention to me, called and text messaged me alot, took me out to dinner alot, was always tellling me how much he liked me, and was always treating me good and making me feel like i was the only girl in the world. after 2 months he was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me someday. he was always talking about the future with me and he seemed so crazy about me it seemed like he was obsessed with me and he started to get a little annoying. but i stuck around because he was such a great guy and he had had 2 very long relationships, never cheated on a girl, has a great job, etc and i thought he was someone i should be with. and i did really end up falling for him.

 

well after about 3 months he started to act differently. he still called me often, but not as much. didnt ask to see me as often, stopped giving me lots of compliments and telling me how much he loved me, and basically paid less attention to me. but it was nothing big or even that noticeable so i figured he was just getting used to me. after about a week of him acting like that i woke up next to him one night at 4:30 in the morning to see him sitting up in bed wide awake. i asked him what he was doing and he said he was thinking about some things. so i asked him what he was thinking and he told me that he was thinking about how hes not ready to get married anytime soon or move in with me anytime soon. he said he wants to wait awhile. it really took me by surprise but i just told him i understood and that was fine. then a few days later he surprises me again by saying he thinks he wants to break up with me. he said that he had a dream about his ex girlfriend and he realizes he misses her and he feels guilty to me for feeling that way. he said he also sometimes feels like he just wants to be single. then later that night he calls me and says that he thinks its just a phase hes going through and the dream just really freaked him out and he does want to be with me.

 

so everything is pretty good after that, a little awkward because i dont really know how to act around him. but i leave for vacation a few days later and im gone for a week. while i was away he called me every few hours, only went out one time with his friends, was always telling me he missed me and was worried about me, and text messaged me "i love you and miss you baby! have fun and come home soon." the night i came home he insisted on coming over when i got home at 2:00 in the morning because he wanted to see me and wanted to just "touch me and hold me." i told him that it was very late and i was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed but he got really mad and said ive been away for so long and i still didnt want to see him, and it must mean that i dont care about him, and he begged and begged to come over even if it was for 5 minutes just to see me. (he lives a half hour away). but i didnt give in and i said i was going to bed and i would talk to him tomorrow.

 

that was 4 days ago and ever since then things have been kind of hot/cold with him. he took me out to dinner everyday since ive gotten home, and once for breakfast. saturday he had planned on seeing me but then called and asked if it would be ok to go away with his friend for the day/night. i said yea whatever i thought we had plans, but go ahead i wont be mad. so he changed his mind and said no i dont really wanna go, i want to see you and its supposed to rain anyways. sunday morning we wake up and hes very touchy and cuddly and apologizes for falling asleep so early last night. then he takes me to breakfast but it acting distant and different and keeps giving me these looks but wont tell me why. then we get home and he wants to go to sleep again so we take a nap for about 2 hours. this time when he wakes up hes very affectionate and just wants to cuddle and kiss me, and somehow we get on the subject of how he always dates younger girls. and he says "yea younger girls arent ready to get married yet, they just want to have fun and thats what im looking for. if i date a girl my own age she'll be begging me to get married after 6 months." i couldnt believe he was saying this because of how in the beginning of our relationship he had talked about marriage and our future all the time. so i said something to him about it and he said "yea guys always get caught up with a new girl in the beginning. but i finally realized it and thought whoa what did i do? and i knew i needed to slow things down. im just looking for someone who wants to have fun and have sex right now." i was stunned that he was saying all this especially because he was always saying i would be his future wife but i just told him thats fine, im not looking to get married soon either.

 

so then takes me out to lunch. when we get back i tell him im going to go home but he begs me to stay so i do and we hang out the whole day and he keeps calling me baby and saying i love you so much, and kissing my forehead and everything is going great. he keeps staring into my eyes and smiling at me and keeps saying thank you for spending the whole day with me, it was kinda nice. then he offers to take my car and use his own money and fill my tank up with gas. when i leave that night he calls me and tells me to look in the glove compartment and in there he left another $20. he said he knows im low on money right now and he wants to help me out and take care of me.

 

really i just dont understand this guy at all, or his intentions with me. one minute hes all about me and the next he seems freaked out and distant. hes almost 25 years old, i thought dating an older guy would be slightly easier but he doesnt seem to know what he wants. another thing that really bothers me about this guy is that there are times when he wants to have sex with me and i dont. we always have sex at least twice a night which i am fine with, but around the third or fourth time it starts to really hurt and i tell him no i dont want to. i dont know if he doesnt take me seriously or what but he usually ends up forcing my legs apart and forcing it in. hes not like really rough with me or anything and ive never been like NO SERIOUSLY STOP, so i dont feel like hes raping me or anything. its possible that he doesnt think im serious when i say no, but i usually say no i dont want to, seriously it kind of hurts and sometimes i try to get away but we always end up doing it anyways because he wont quit. then there have been a couple times when we have had unprotected sex and ive told him "do not cum inside me, seriously make sure you pull out" but he cums inside me anyways and gives me this big smile when hes done like he doesnt expect me to be mad.

 

basically i need some advice as to whether or not to stay in this relationship and what this guy actually wants from me and whether or not we have a future!

[Batya33]

Many relationships start out hot and heavy and continue that way for the first two months. That's when it is time to keep a clear perspective and understand that the honeymoon period is not yet over, that the other person's behavior while not fake may be influenced by smittendom, and to be reasonably cautious and protective of your heart in those early stages so that you get to know the person at a reasonable pace over time - not closed off of course - we all have to take risks and be vulnerable but reminding yourself that it is still early.

 

Often at the 3-4 month mark couples decide whether they want to go forward and get more serious or whether it was mostly a cloud nine-fueled romantic beginning but that there is not much else in common. This is one reason I wait to be sexually intimate until a few months in.

 

Your story doesn't sound confusing but more that he is doing the normal questioning at this stage but is having a harder time because he got ahead of himself with all the marriage talk. The problem is that he is being rude with the telling you about his ex, and what he wants right now is just s_x, etc. Listen to what he says. If you are not on the same wavelength better to get out of this now than get even more attached and have him say "but I told you I just wanted to have fun!"

[Scout]

What this guy wants from you is to use you as an emotional and physical outlet for expressing his hostility towards women. Please RUN, don't walk from this "relationship."

 

If you stay with him much longer, your perceptions of men are going to be badly damaged, as well. Not to mention your self-respect and self-esteem.

[Jayar]

He sounds disrespectful in your last paragraph, but aside from this you're seeing him WAY too much, making yourself WAY too available, and acting too serious. Believe me, kick him to the curb and he'll come back full-force. Not that that is a GOOD thing necessarily but seems to be that way, doesn't it? When you're not around he wants you, and when you're around he doesn't.

 

Not thinking this guy is really good date material (because of your last paragraph) and I personally think you're playing a VERY dangerous game with the unprotected sex... Especially since pulling out isn't even effective. But since your question was about why is he hot/cold, well he's hot/cold because you allow and encourage him to be.

[RebeccaChow]

Okay he's really weird. I don't know but he seems to be someone who plays around with feelings.

 

If you're looking for something serious you can probably look elsewhere. 'Cos he's going all hot and cold, which is hard to predict and annoying.

 

Probably sit him down and talk to him about it, ask him what is it he really wants. Something serious or just something to pass time? Take good care hun.

[missmebaby]

well im not ready to break it off with him just yet. the disrespectful things that hes done have only happened twice, and im not sure if he even took me seriously when i said to stop. im going to be very careful though.

 

it just makes it so hard for me to believe that maybe he is just using me, or keeps me around just for someone to have fun with. he doesnt go out with his friends anymore, he calls me at least 5 times a day, hes always taking me out spending money on me, even when hes not in the mood to have sex he will cuddle with me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. also, he says things like when we have "our" own house, and "our" own kids someday. just driving in his truck he is always holding my hand, and he just takes off in my car and goes and fills it up with gas with his own money. its always him talking about our future together, i never initiate that kind of conversation, and usually hes the one to say i love you. that just seems like an awful lot to do for someone you dont love or care about. hes a very very attractive guy and he could get tons of girls and he knows it. if he just wanted to have fun, wouldnt he be going out with his friends and maybe looking for someone else?

 

im thinking that when he calls me later i will tell him ive been thinking alot about what he said about just wanting to have fun and i will ask him what his intentions are with me. am i just a piece of a*s? am i just a rebound? am i someone to hang out with so he doesnt get lonely? or does he see a future with me? im so scared to bring this up because i dont want to seem insecure and i know guys hate talking about this kind of thing. after we had such a great day together yesterday i dont want to make things weird between us again.

 

theres one thing that keeps popping up in my mind that would explain the way hes treating me. his ex girlfriend. see, everyone told me how great of a guy he is and how he will take care of me. and i saw at the beginning of our relationship how great of a guy he is so i figure there has to be a reason why hes so hot/cold with me. hes had a 5 year relationship and a 2 year relationship. i guess he was very much in love with the girl from the 2 year relationship and he told me everything was perfect with them and they were planning on buying a house together and getting married. he told me she was the perfect girl but suddenly she left him for his best friend. he told me he was devastated and got very very depressed and drank a whole case of beer every night and just partied like crazy with his friends to try and forget her. he didnt sleep, didnt eat, and cried alot. that was a year and a half ago that they broke up but he still slept with her a few times until a month or so before he met me, because they had some big fight or something and stopped talking. shes still currently dating the guy that used to be his best friend. i dont really know the whole story. hes talked about her quite a few times but i never thought anything about it because i talked about my ex too and it seemed like he was over her anyways. but then he had a dream about her and he got to thinking about her again and admitted that he missed her. then i got to wondering if hes been feeling that way the whole time we've been together. im the first girl hes been in a relationship with since her. shes a very beautiful petite girl and ive honestly never heard him say a bad thing about her. i feel like i will never be able to live up to her and i think that she is part of the reason that hes acting so weird with me. whether hes not over her, or is just scarred from what happened with them.

 

any thoughts on whether or not i should have that talk with him tonight or just let it go and see how things go? is there anything else i should say to him or some way i should act around him? and his ex girlfriend, what do you think about that situation?

[Scout]

i usually say no i dont want to, seriously it kind of hurts and sometimes i try to get away but we always end up doing it anyways because he wont quit.

 

Ok, please re-read your own post. What you are describing here sounds like a regular occurrence, and this is NOT NORMAL SEXUAL BEHAVIOR FROM A GUY.

 

You posted on here because you had concerns and worries. Now you're making excuses for him and justifying his behavior because of a past relationship. Past relationships do not cause most guys to insist on continuing sex after a girl has said no and is trying to get away.

 

Good luck to you. You're going to need it if you continue to pursue things with this guy.

[annie24]

YIKES! I have to agree with scout, his behavior is NOT normal. Any boyfriend I've ever had, if I've ever said "stop" or "no", even just ONCE, they STOP. Right then and there. That is what most guys do. This one, from how you describe him, sounds disturbed. First he is so hot and cold, it is not normal. One day he wants to marry you, the next minute he doesn't, then he wants to see you again. it is so weird. I have to say, does he have some mental problems or something?

 

And really, what you are describing really sounds like rape. If you said no, and he doesn't stop, that is rape! 3-4 times, FORCING your legs apart. This is a very dangerous situation, you should run away from him and don't look back!