embarrassed...

[Daligal83]

OK, this is probably just a minor thing but it's really bothering me. My boyfriend and I are both on facebook, and one of his friends from high school recently tagged my guy in a picture from a few years ago. I mean that he put up the picture recently, but the picture is an old one. It's of my boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend. OK fine, no huge deal. But then he writes as the caption, "What a nice looking couple." I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months now AND I've met this guy. And this ex is from three or four years ago. I don't understand why he felt the need to do that. It's embarrassing to me because now everyone one of my boyfriend's friends will see it. I just find it rude and disrespectful, but I don't want to make a huge deal out if it with my boyfriend because it's a good friend of his and I don't want to seem like the crazy girlfriend. I'm so mad right now...

[Scotcha]

I would have your boyfriend ask his friend to take down the picture and put up a different one instead. I can't think of any reason why he would put the picture up anyway. I'd be really mad too!

[Batya33]

I am sorry you're frustrated - but decide if it is a "battle" worth fighting. You both apparently like being on Facebook and what you described is one of the "risks" - at any time, someone can post a comment (I assume it's like myspace) or "tag" a picture, etc. I am a little concerned that he has a picture of him with his ex - my ex has pictures of me on his web site but not of us as a couple (never did).

 

Curious - is there a compelling reason you both need to be on Facebook? Is there a plan or intention/understanding that when you get more serious you will take down the profiles. I completely understand it is NOT a dating site in the least but as far as serious couples go, I am not sure why someone in a serious adult relationship would want to be vulnerable to those kinds of comments and attention.

 

"Not sure" - meaning - maybe there is a perfectly good reason - likely social with your other friends - and "not sure" because other than dabbling in myspace and friendster I don't know much about the purpose on being there and how restricted you can keep your profile.

[jengh]

Ugh... this would bother me too...

I'd mention it nonchalantly. Don't make a huge deal about it, just say something along the lines of "interesting caption *name* posted under the picture of you and *ex*"

[Daligal83]

It wasn't a picture that my boyfriend had...it was an old picture that was taken while with his ex that his friend had. So my boyfriend had nothing to do with this. I don't even know if he's seen it yet.

 

Facebook is a way for people to connect, meet up with old friends and update your friends on what you're doing. Probably half of the people on there are in relationships. So it's not an odd thing to be in a serious relationship and have a profile. Actually, there are a lot of married people on there.

 

I don't mind that the picture is up. I really like his ex overall and I was around before and after they were dating. I realize that for 6 months she was a part of his life. It's just that comment that bothers me. I find it to be so disrespectful, especially since I've met this guy. And now my boyfriend's friends will see it and it's like saying they were a better couple.

[Lava Rocks]

People can be such idiots some time! What an *ss! I wouldn't make a big deal of it with your bf, though, sometimes people's friends just lack brains. Maybe just ask him why his friend felt the need to post the picture?

[robowarrior]

Don't put any emotional value on what happens on the internet, the last thing you want to do is attach your emotional well being to the harsh environment of the internet, the whole internet is one big lie, your bf might feel totally different about it, talk to him in person about it, and detach yourself from the virtual insanity of the internet.

[Batya33]

Oh - I know there are couples and married people on Facebook - my comment was that it seems to me that if the person allows others to comment on his profile or "tag" that that might not be the best idea if that person is in a serious relationship - the choice not to keep the profile totally private might - just might - not be 100% appropriate or consistent with being in a serious relationship.

 

Not that either of you are doing anything wrong but it's kind of like - everyone gets tempted and of course that isn't a break of trust or loyalty but why put yourself in a position where there are likely to be hurt feelings/misunderstandings from a comment like that or a "tag" unless it is really necessary.

 

I see so many posts like yours and while of course your bf didn't put up the picture (good!) or write the comment - he does have a profile that allows this type of access (and so do you). Can you both decide on some sort of compromise where you can restrict the access but still be able to connect with friends and old friends?

 

I realize I sound like an old fogey/out of touch - I do see what goes on on myspace however and it aint pretty . . . .

 

Since he didn't post the photo or the comment I say wait and see what he does without you telling him.

[annie24]

on the plus side, it wasn't your boyfriend who did this. And it sounds like his friend is a bonehead. I would just kind of let it slide. I'm sure your boyfriend's other friends will look at the photo and go, "huh? He's dating daligirl now." I don't think the photo was posted with malice, just sounds like something he wrote and put up without thinking. I would decide if this is "worth the battle" to get it taken down.

[sophie274]

Maybe the comment was sarcastic ...

 

It would annoy me too, but no big deal I think. This says much more about your boyfriend's friend than about him!

[midnightrambler]

Don't put any emotional value on what happens on the internet, the last thing you want to do is attach your emotional well being to the harsh environment of the internet, the whole internet is one big lie, your bf might feel totally different about it, talk to him in person about it, and detach yourself from the virtual insanity of the internet.

 

i agree with you in most cases the internet is BS, but occasionally you come accross some cool, honest people after you wade through the attention

[RooferGirl23]

I would let it go. if these are buddies from school days, then they are remanising on what happened back then. It in no way says that they are a better relationship, becuase if they were so great, why are they not together? hes with you, the one he loves.

[chica2007]

oh this would bug me too.. talk to your boyfriend and tell him to talk to his friends.. its not like the friend doesnt know about you..

 

actually I've been in this situation..

 

my fiances best friend.. had a picture of my fiance up on his facebook.. and some random girl (who ended up knowing me and my fiance) asked the friend if my fiance was single.. and he had said yes, hes single.. after knowing we were getting married and met me many times.. i was really upset.. what kinda friend does that?

 

needless to say i didnt talk to his best friend again.. which eventually ended their friendship too.. i feel bad but i dont see why the friend had to talk * * * *?

[Kalika]

Dali -

I bet that once your bf sees what's happened, he'll tell his friend to untag the pic. I hope so, anyways. But this friend would have to be VERY dense to put something like that up and not know that it would be upsetting to you. Do you think that he has any ill feelings towards you for any reason? Is your bf's friend still close to your bf's ex?

[Daligal83]

The guy who put up the picture is a friend from high school, and this ex-gf is during college time. So it wasn't really reminiscing about old times. And I talked to my boyfriend. He said that he saw the picture and didn't even notice the caption. He was saying that he probably didn't mean it like that at all and that he was more irritated that the picture was even up. Apparently the album consisted of family pictures, a group picture, and then one of him and his ex. Which kinda hurts even more. So this guy isn't friends with the ex, and my boyfriend hasn't talked to her for like a year and a half. To me...I just don't understand how you couldn't realize that's offending at all. My boyfriend understood how I felt and he felt bad...but I don't know if he's going to say anything to him. He said they don't even talk that much anymore...I think just if they're both in town at the same time.

 

On a happier note...I got a job interview today!!

[Daligal83]

Update:

 

My boyfriend messaged him telling him to take it down. I asked him what he said, and basically he said that he noticed he put up a picture of him and the ex and that i mentioned something about the comment, that I didn't want him to say anything but he said he would..and then he changed the topic. He said that he worded it better in the actual message.

 

I don't know..that made me feel worse. It was basically like, dude I got in trouble, take it off. I pointed this out to him and he's like, no it makes me look like a pushover. I just decided to let this go as far as discussing it with him because it's just a stupid comment on facebook, but I still feel like crap. I didn't point this out to him because it's stupid at this point, but there's a difference between saying "hey I'm not crazy about that comment up there, could you take it down" and "my girlfriend doesn't like the comment and I told her I'd say something." And my boyfriend was saying to me that he didn't want the pic up there either (during which I reminded him that he has pix up of him and his exes in group pix), but now the picture is still there just minus the comment. I know this is what I wanted...but I feel like I look stupid and that the message was worded in a way that said I wanted it gone, not him as much.

[Batya33]

His response -- and his attitude about his Facebook page -- sound a bit immature and like he is trying to save face (no pun intended) with his friend. I stand by my earlier comment that this is one of the risks you're going to have to accept if you accept that he has a profile on Facebook. I understand it's the norm in your age group - really, I do - but obviously for him it is important that he have it accessible and that his friends feel free to keep on posting comments and giving him attention.

[Daligal83]

Oh I didn't want him to make it so that no one could comment. You can't really disable that function. All he could do is untag himself in the picture, which isn't a concern of mine. I was just upset last night that it seemed to me all on me, and not something he wanted. I mean to me he said it was something he wanted, but in his message to his friend it didn't come off that way.

 

I'm just going to let it go. Yea it upset me but in the scheme of things it's not that serious.

[Batya33]

I am glad you resolved it and that you feel comfortable with his Facebook activity.

[Daligal83]

Thanks Batya. I appreciate you responding to my thread, as always It's good to know there's support out there.