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This strange stage of the healing

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Hi my friends


It's been some time since my last visit here. I've kept my NC, since I started it almost 1 and a half month ago. This is my second NC period...the first one (one month) was broken just to e-mail her to ask her to do not contact me anymore (she began to text me with invitations). So, I don't see her since one week after the break up, i.e. since the beginning of January. She has followed stricly my request and never contacted me again...nor even those chain mails she used to send with those power point presentations saying "If you pass this mail to 1000 friends, you'll live until the end of the century."

Well, how am I today? In one word: confused.

I don't think about her that much, I don't have absolutely any hopes about our relationship but I have a plan...My plan is to be her friend so that she can know the real me, which she never did because our relationship was very short, as well as our friendship. She have some common friends and she goes to places where I used to go before we met. I feel restrained because I can't go to those places 'cause I know she's there. In fact, I've been obcessed about the day I go there again and meet her face to face. I don't know what I will find and that's making me anxious. So, first of all I must reach that stage on which I don't think about her anymore, I don't remember her anymore. When that day comes, I will go to those places again and I will be prepared to start a friendship with her. I don't know how long it will take, I really don't know, but when that day comes I want to feel confortable about this issue.

I've been working in my self-esteem issues, my self-confidence..I have started to run twice a week, doing some gimnastics at home, going out at the weekends with some friends, I'm also planning to do some conoeing the next weekend...I've been occuping all my time but, in spite of so many activities, I feel a hole inside me that is very difficult to fill...I stil couldn't find what can fill it, I'm searching for it inside and outside of me but, until now, I couldn't find it. These have been difficult times for me, not because I think about her, but because I don't know what I'm looking for...I'm running to some unkown place.


Lately I've been feeling some needs to contact her again but I know this is my mind playing tricks, I'm thinking she might forget me and that will crash all my plans about her. So, first of all, I must forget about any plans I have, I must fill the hole inside me so that I don't feel the need of making plans, feel the need of her in my life.

If any of you have some advice about how to deal with this stage, please post here.

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Well! Great to hear from you again!


So, first of all I must reach that stage on which I don't think about her anymore, I don't remember her anymore. When that day comes, I will go to those places again and I will be prepared to start a friendship with her. I don't know how long it will take, I really don't know, but when that day comes I want to feel confortable about this issue.


This will never happen.


I dated a guy for a month about 6 years ago. I still haven't forgotten him.

What you must wait for is to no longer feel pain/anger/lonliness when you think of her. And it happens, I assure you.


The guy I dated for a month, was to this day, THE most romantic guy I've ever been with. But I only think of him with fondness and a clearer persepective, since I'm more comfortable with myself now.


I was single for almost a year after him - more like 9 months.

It's going to be some time.


When you say you are going to be her friend, please realize if you still have any kind of volatile, negative emotions that come up - you are probably not ready.

What I hear in your post is excuse making because you certainly feel better/more in control.

This, from what I can tell, is just a sign that you are progressing along nicely.


What needs to be addressed is the belief you have that somehow, waiting longer will hinder a possible friendship between the two of you.

If you are meant to be friends - it will happen. Whether it is this week or next year.


Remember the "unknown" you spoke of and how it makes you feel?


That may be another belief you could change for the better.

Most of us fear the unknown, which leads us back to what we know. Even if it is a partner that needs space from us or triggers bad behaviour in us.


But the unknown is constant - and the doorway to the next stage in our lives. If we internalize this belief, holding onto it in times of boredom or restlessness, we are setting ourselves up for regression.


If we take the time to "practice" the belief that the unknown is actually good, fun and the way to success, one day we find ourselves believing it.

Since it is unknown that you will not be able to find a new friend/lover - perhaps you must spend your time now, thinking to yourself how long you have avoided taking risks, trying new things and meeting new people. And why. Perhaps the "why" is outdated and needs to be discarded. Everything has a "root" - a person, place or thing that started the belief. You may have to reflect on your life to find the root to why you are not choosing to fully let go and fully get out there - putting all you are into your day.


I see the things you have embraced are healthy and mood-altering (you have literally changed your brain chemistry with your excersise routine.) so keep that up. It would be quite an achievement to take this excersise to the next level and make a lifestyle, no? What would you be capable of, physically, I wonder?


Thanks for posting and keeping us up to date. Keep moving ahead!

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Thanks for your reply honeyspur


I think you're right about that day will never come. When I say forget her, I don't mean literally forget her. I will always remember her, even if I don't see her anymore. As I've said, to forget her means to feel confortable near her without bringing our relationship to my mind. I think it will take some time to happen. But I don't know...because I know it might take a lot of time, I'm thinking this is the time to meet her at last. But I know I'm not prepared...when I start to imagine what would happen if I will meet her today, I feel a lot of fear about what I might find and how much it would affect me. So, I need to stop feeling this fear before I decide to meet her again.

I don't feel any anger or ressentment towards her but I do miss her a lot, when I remember her. I miss her that way I don't want to..I don't want to miss her as a girlfriend.

I'm not affraid of the future...I just don't like to do not know where I'm heading to. It's not fear, it's more like a feeling of lacking control about something I cannot control. That's a fact, I can't control the future. And because I can't control it, I'm not shure if I'm doing the correct things to be heading to where I want to. Maybe I still don't know where I want to go...or maybe I know, but where I want to go that's not what I need.

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I hate to say this... but a true friendship? I doubt that will happen. Even after you've gotten over it and time has passed, a true friendship seems unlikely. You want to be her friend now because you still miss her. At least that's what it sounds like to me.


Once you heal, you'll be surprised at the things that happen. I haven't healed completely yet, but I'm in a very similar situation as you, regarding seeing the ex in the future. I'm going to see her throughout next school year, at least 5 hrs. each week. But I see other people at school that often too. Once I heal, I probably won't think about her that much. I won't have those feelings for her. And I won't want to spend time with her anymore than other "friends" at school. Your plan will probably end up discarded at some point, simply because you won't care that much.


I don't think you can ever plan what's going to happen once you heal. Like honeyspur said, if you are meant to be friends, it will happen.


You are doing the correct things to move on. You've been finding things to do, you've been doing strict NC, and you're posting here. Everyone has a stage in their break up where they are concerned about how healthy their feelings are. But it passes, and soon your feelings toward her will pass too. Maybe they will come back, but not without letting them go first. You're doing a good job, and soon, time will reward you.

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