3rd Week and having some really bad days

[Knightm29]

Hey,

 

Well its been 3 weeks since I split from my 5 Year relationship. I tried to do the NC but I sent an email last weekend saying how I love her and want her back. She completely said she had moved on, wanted to live on her own to find out what she wants/needs. This at first put some relief back inside me, complete closure. But now as the week has gone on I am steadily heading back down to where I was before.

 

I have lost a lot of weight and confidence which I find hard when I am out. I am trying to work out whether I miss her or I miss being in a relationship, someone to come home too, to share your problems with.

 

I keep on hoping she might email me, text me but deep down I know its just going to react badly with me.

 

I just wish I could move on, and get some happiness back in my life as this will help me once more find someone I can share life with which I can not wait to happen!

 

This forum is helping loads as sometimes, although I do not wish it on anyone, you feel you are the only one hurting as bad as this!

[honeyspur]

Just time to get up on the NC horse, my friend.

 

I think you did get closure. Do not mistake your feelings as anything else.

You are feeling the separation - your body and mind were used to her on many levels and it will be an adjustment.

They say it takes the entire length of the relationship to truly get over someone.

Until then, the letting go happens in stages. You don't wake up one day feeling normal. You gradually feel that way over - I'd say about a year.

It still may take years before you can think of her on a purely good scale - with no negative feelings attached.

 

If you find yourself, in a months time, still not sleeping, eating, still wrapped up in anxiety - please go see a councellor. In fact - go see one now - if you want to.

 

The steps to letting go are also the same steps to dealing with a death of a loved one. So you are not going overboard here. Loss is loss.

 

Come to Superdave's challenge if you haven't - or re-commit yourself and get more involved with the discussion if you have. Let those in your position hear you and your daily grind.

Let others know you - start practicing letting others into your life - this is a choice, you know - so it says a lot if you aren't choosing things despite your pain. On some level - you may want to stay in pain because it feels safe and sympathetic.

Just remember - pain is never the haven it feels like - it is just a distraction from the real haven - life.

[bar35]

Hey KnightM,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this pain now. It is so confusing. So much just doesn't seem to make sense. But in time you will heal. You are hurt right now and that is ok. It's ok to be hurt, but what is so important is that you don't put your hand back in the fire. You can lick your wounds, tend to them, share your pain with others, but the ex is a no-no. She is the fire and she will tear those wounds open and not even know that she is doing it.

 

Honeyspur made a really good reply there "pain is never the haven it feels like- it's just a distraction from the real haven- life"

 

It is so true, even if it doesn't seem to make any sense. Right now you are off balance, you can't see straight, but sooner or later you will be able too and it will feel right again.

 

It took me years to get over a woman and I am trying to get past one now. The one who it took me years to get over I really am over her. I have the perspective to realize that I would not get back together with her no matter what.

 

I expect that you will be able to reach the same conclusion with the woman who you are presently hurting over. Unfortunately emotional pain is so pervasive, and the things which bring us back to it are so subtle that we can very easily lose sight of our own lives. Hang in there. Stay away from her and move more closely to yourself. It starts off as hard but it does get easier and it even begins to make more sense with time. Thank god.

[Knightm29]

Many Thanks for both your replies.

 

I think its has to be one of the hardest challenges I have had to face, well at the moment it feels like that.

 

I can not wait for that time when life just seems that little bit easier and looking that little bit brighter. I do have hours in the day where I certainly feel alot more positive but I think that certain days, like Sunday Evenings, Monday Mornings at the moment are the darkest days.

 

I have got myself some protein and carbohydrate supplements to try and get my weight back up as that would help with my confidence and hopefully give me some more enerygy.

 

Once again, many thanks and all the best to both of you

[Dr.Amore]

I feel you bro im on week 7 or 8 i cant remember and don't really care anymore. Mine was 5 years to but after the breakup she said nothing is going to change her mind and that this time its over for good. I did nothing it just happened out of the blue. I guess what makes it harder is how fast women move on or at least mine did. Dating 3weeks after a 5 year relationship to me that just shows that she is garbage.

 

Makes the pain a little easier when i think about her in that way. I was blind to see things during the relationship and now that i have all this time to think i see things and realize i was dating a piece a trash all these years. She wants to be friends and said she will call when she feels comfortable but now that i think about it she don't even deserve a big hearted person like myself as her friend.

 

You have to keep busy real busy cause if you don't you will drown in depression. Iv been slipping alot lately and need to get back on the right track. No offense but you don't need a counselor waste of time and money. Not saying all people but the real weak ones with no hope are the ones who see counselor's.

 

It's all in head bro take it one day at a time set goals for yourself. Go to the gym, pick up a new hobby, make some new friends. If you don't have god in your life he is a great healer and without him i would be dead or in jail.

 

Just my 2 pennys

[Knightm29]

Hey Dr Amore,

 

Sorry to hear the rubbish you are going through.

 

I think one of the hardest parts is the ease she was able to move on. Maybe this is only her on the outside as many people who have talked to her tell me, but it still hurts real bad.

 

She has just put a brick wall up and nothing will bring that back. We were trying for kids in November last year and if it wasnt for a miscarriage we could of been still together.

 

Life sucks sometimes but writing on this board is really helping

[astaro]

you should count your stars about that miscarriage. kids can bring a false sense of togetherness, but if you broke up without the child you would have probably broken up after the child was born. i know how much stress a miscarriage can put on a relationship but in the long run you are most likely better off.

 

i am going through something pretty identical to what you described in your original post, those debilitating doubts that just don't seem to leave you.

 

as for her moving on, after 5 years you can bet she is having a hard time. she might be very good at acting like everything is OK (just like my ex) but i know they are going through just as much crap.

 

you are heading into some rough terrain and probably going to have a very bumpy ride, but every dirt road eventully joins up with a paved high way

 

good luck.

[Wandering_Sword]

I feel your pain brother. I was down that same road of weight loss and just being plain lost only a few months ago.

There is no way to avoid it but to face it. And that is going to be the hardest test. I spent a lot of time moping around until I managed to convince myself that I cannot make her love me again and that whatever decision that she made I would have to accept; as I had already poured my heart out to her and asked her back again. After that realization, I slowly started to move out of my doldrums and get back on to things that were important in my life.

I owe NC for much of my recovery. It gave me time to think and to pull myself together.

I'm glad my friends were there, my training and the members of ENA. Without them I would be much worse off and probably still recovering.

So if you feel alone and need to unload come here and if for one brief moment you feel weak don't call her, post here instead. Were here for you.

[lostinatlanta]

Knightm29,

 

Im going through the same thing as you. 4 1/2 year relationship that began to end about 6 weeks ago, right around Valentine's day. She basically starting having feelings for another guy at some point around that time and decided to leave me a week or two later. I'm still trying to make sense of the whole thing. We've had some contact about every 3-4 days, the longest period without contact being 5 days, and although i haven't asked, for my own sanity, I think she is in a relationship with this guy now. None of it makes sense. The times that we do speak have been very strange , she says things that lead me to believe she misses me and wants to still talk about everything but as soon as i take the first step to initiate that she shuts down. All along still with this guy i presume. I can't figure it out.

 

Our relationship wasn't ideal, love was tough with a lot of ups and downs but I feel like the differences could and can still be worked out if we really had a heart to heart. i've expressed this to her several times but as i said, nothing proactive on her part. Shes also been running away every weekend with him or with friends it seems like to avoid everything.

 

 

The first three weeks were brutal, i still don't know how I got through them. The last few weeks have been somewhat better but I still often relapse into a very dark place. Sometimes it lasts an hour but other times half a day. I can't get over thinking about her with someone else. I try not to think about it but its killing me right now. I feel like I'm getting better but the contact with her makes it tough. I want to avoid it but don't want to avoid a chance to reconcile this either. I say "don't contact me" and she calls upset. Its been back and forth but mostly initiated by me.

 

Anyway, enough about me. hang in there. I'm getting better slowly, and i mean slowly. I feel this rush in me to move on and find someone else but how can I when all of my thoughts are about her. I'm not in any shape to meet someone new and so i've put that on the side for now. Try to do the same thing...

 

I'm on here regularly now as reading about others seems to be theraputic for me. I would advise you try the same. Stay in touch.

[Knightm29]

I am having a bad day today sitting at my desk. Feel very weird, bit spaced out and pretty anxious. I found out my ex is going to a bbq on saturday where I was going to go, but I have changed my mind! Why does something like this make me feel bad

 

I have tried writing down everything that was wrong with our relationship but its not working.

 

I am tempted to Email, or I am hitting send and receive just incase I get that email off her.... I am driving myself insane!

 

I really have to calm down

[lostinatlanta]

I'm going through the same thing. Sitting at work its almost impossible to focus on anything. Its turned into borderline obsessiveness for me. I have one or two hours of focus and then its back to her. Its going to take some time. I've been taking three day weekends now for several weeks and that has helped.

 

Skip the BBQ, why go and put yourself through more pain. Its only a BBQ and you are probably making it out to be a huge decision and event yet its only a BBQ.

 

Pull back from everything right now.

[Knightm29]

Yeah I will skip it.

 

I have calmed down a little bit now. Seems mornings are my worse time. I think I am just hoping there will be some sort of contact but as each day goes by its going to get better, which I ams ure it will for you.

 

I have a 4 day weekend this weekend so i am going to chill out with my friends as much as possible.

 

I am a little scared I might be going down to some sort of depression. My Ex went through a bad spate of it and it is a horrible experience.

 

Just got to try and keep positive.

 

Good luck!!

[Knightm29]

Well I was doing well with NC and now she just emailed me.

 

Firstly mentioning, how spooky it was, as she was driving down my street and she was looking for me as she had a feeling she would see me. I did see her drive past and gave a wave.

Secondly, she made a point that she was going to see a friend of mine and his girlfriend tonight that is literally two doors down from me.

Thirdly, she mentioned she was going to a party on saturday!

 

Why, why oh why. Just messes my head up, i was starting to feel a little better!

[bar35]

Oh man. And i hear you that mornings are the worst. I wake up anxiety ridden, angry and frustrated. It's so hard.

 

That's rough that she contacted you. I wonder what her story is there. I hope that you keep getting stronger. Good luck and i hope that things continue to get better.

[Knightm29]

Well she knows how to hit the right buttons with me, so i have emailed her yesterday saying I want no contact whatsoever as it messes with my head.

 

I had a bad night last night, crying quite a lot but I know it will be for the best in the long run. Last day at work today for 4 days so that should help and the sun is shining!