Any advice?

[heartbroken32377]

I am having some major marriage issues and last night everything came into full swing and I don't know what to do.

 

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. I knew from the moment I met her that she would be someone special to me and she is by far my best friend. My problem is that I was a jerk for many years as I never thought I was good enough and thought she was going to cheat on me. I never realized I was like this until last year when I made a big scene in public and we almost broke up than. In the course of this, I found that she had been talking to another man to the tune of over $2,000 in cell phone charges.

 

Obviously I freaked as she was freaking about my flipping on her in public. I know the other guy and I had my wife's story checked out (that they were only friends). I guess it would have been easier had they been more, but the guy is very happily married and I guess he just offered her an ear when she needed it. In any event we decided we needed counseling so we started, however the counselor did not want to see us together, she wanted to see us each separately.

 

I think everything went well and some major things got worked out and I was told I needed to make some serious changes and she was told she needed to make some changes. We both felt OK so we stopped going, never progressing to the point where we would see the counselor together. After about 3 months I kind of fell back into being a jerk here and there because I was not getting the support from my wife and I felt like I was working hard and she was not.

 

Well we went along for about 6-7 months OK. Getting along sometimes, but other times not. We also very rarely make love. In paying my most recent cell phone bill I see she had been talking to this guy a little more again. Now they have spoken throughout, but not a ton. Now there were instances that she would call him before me and text him before me. So I blew up on her. Again, I checked it out and she never did anything sexual with this guy, and in fact I don't think he would. But, I told her it was wrong and she agreed and again she has been OK with it and was very sorry.

 

But we had a big fight last night and she said that she did not know if she wanted to try and make our marriage work because she does not feel the same way about me anymore, alot of which has to do with how I was years ago. But don't marriages have hills and valleys? I don't think every married person has the same feelings throughout every year of a marriage as they did when they first got together.

 

I cannot even write words on this page enough to say how much I love her and how she is by far my best friend. If anyone out there has any suggestions please let me know. I told her that we really never fixed our original problems because we gave up on couseling before we even did it (I think we went 3 or 4 times each), and even doing what we did garned us many months of happiness. I cannot see how anyone can know something is not going to work if they have never really given it a shot.

[heartbroken32377]

Sorry, forgot to add that I have been reading these posts for a few days and I have found some helpful stuff, I think this is a great forum and it's nice to know that I am not the only one. My best friend is away for 3 weeks and I have no one to talk to about this.

[RayKay]

You are entirely correct that marriages go through fluctuations; any long term relationship does. And there are times one does NOT know what they want and it is hard to not run away and give up....but you need to remember that you need to be strong and give it your all right now. Not with pressure, but with taking OFF the pressure from her and while you should not stick around if she is being cruel, or it goes on forever...sometimes one of us needs to put forth more effort at some times than others. I read a quote this weekend "love is learning the song playing in the other's persons heart, and reminding them of it when they have forgotten". THat to me pretty much sums up what I mean!

 

I know it is tough, I am going through something similar with my long term boyfriend right now where he was one having doubts....but I can say I BELIEVE in us, and what we have together which was mostly due to external stresses (we hurt ones we love the most sometimes!)...and I am slowly seeing little changes again in him....it is not easy and sometimes just damn frustrating and painful...but I am remaining positive. I believe we will get through this; I know I myself had gone through doubts a while back also due to external stressors....but now am more confident and in love than ever with him and committed to our life together.

 

I am going to recommend two books to you, to read, before you make any big choices right now, or go to her and pressure her again about this or the calls. "Real Love" by Greg Baer, and "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Gottman. The first is good for you to read to understand hers and your own behaviours that have got you here and how to change that...the second is about learning well, how marriage works and yes it is not a romantic ideal we all grow up with. Practical, kinda technical, but very strong advice.

 

Anyway, don't push her right now into something. Be thankful she DID tell you what is going on..you cannot heal without that right now.

 

I am not sure what is going on with this other guy...he is maybe just her main confidante which is a problem....as it shows you together have lost YOUR friendship together and need to recapture that.

 

Read those, then think them through, then decide what you need to do. Good Luck.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think if you got a lot of benefit from 3 or 4 sessions with a counselor, then your best bet is to continue to point this out to her and to go back, and stay with it long enough so that the changes that need to happen become a habit and permanent.

 

The trouble with going only a few times is that you get some instant relief, but the behavior changes are not reinforced for long enough for them to really take hold, as you noticed with slipping back into old patterns.

 

So take the lead and start going yourself, while trying to convince her to attend some sessions with you and then on her own until you really make the changes you need.

 

Marriages do have hills and valleys, but sometimes if there are too many steep ups and downs, one or both partners can get jaded and think, oh no, another stinking hill, i don't want to do this again. So please immediately put into place whatever you learned at the counselor before to stop any backsliding into ways that cause problems between you, and put your efforts into convincing her that the problem was you never really finished a full program of counseling, and need to do that before you give up on your marriage.

[heartbroken32377]

Thank you all so much for your advice, this has been a great tool for me and I thank you all. I just spoke with my wife and she said that she needs to make a decision and I need to back off. Basically she says that she never had to live or survive on her own and she has this fear that she could not make it on her own. She says that she has this feeling that she needs to be independent on her own for once and that is the choice that she needs to make, weather she wants to try and make this work or try being independent. So, like I am stuck in limbo just waiting.

[heartbroken32377]

Last night my wife was all nice, brought me dinner and stuff. What should I do? She still says she does not know what she is going to do. When I told her our friends wanted to have dinner on Saturday she said that sounded good? How long am I supposed to just sit and wait for her to decide weather she wants to fix our marriage or leave. I am dying on the inside right now. We have a dog that I love so much and she keeps taking her with her in the mornings because she thinks I am going to steal the dog. Does this mean she plans to do this? I honestly don't know how I will handle it if my wife leaves as I love her so much and she is my best friend, I really don't. If she takes the dog too, than I think I may lose it and I am really scared. Should I just tellher to leave even though that kills me to even think about? Or if I do that than am I making her mind up for her? Or do you think she is being nice in order to butter me up for a huge let down? How long is enough time? Anyone that has been through this I would love to hear from.

 

Oh yeah, one thing I neglected to mention is that my wife's best friend is a gay women who does not like men and does not like me for no particular reason other than I knew from the moment they met that she liked my wife more than a friend. My wife made it clear she was not interested and I am pretty confident that my wife is not gay. But she takes advice from this girl, even though the girl definitely has ulterior motives. I confronted my wife about this and she swore that she knows she has ulterior motives and would never take advice from her.

 

If anyone has any ideas on what I should do, please let me know. Every day is just like a marathon that won't end. I called into work yesterday but cannot today as I don't have that many sick days. Today is going to take forever at work wondering what my house will be like when I come home,if my dog will be there, will my wife be there. I don't know anything anymore.

 

Thanks!

[RayKay]

Hey there;

 

Yeah, I know the limbo part is the worst.

 

The problem here is that she still may have the idyllic view of love in her mind. On average this early stage of love lasts two years - though obviously for some it lasts less, or more. This is the stage where everything is easy; where people cannot imagine ever "falling out of love". It is where even conflicts are all solveable, where each wants to do things for the other without thinking of it, it is where you look at other couples in crisis and say "that would NEVER be us, they don't have the real thing".

 

Well the truth is neither do they; the REAL thing comes with time. It comes through moments like these hon, it comes through effort and hard work, and putting each other first even when you least feel like it. Sometimes, one partner is however not ready to give up on the idyllic dream they had of love, and marriage, and will NOT be ready to put that effort in. They will leave and chase it over and over always wondering why things start off so great, and then it falls again into this "loss of love".

 

Now, I cannot guarantee what your wife will choose, but you can decide what you are going to choose right now. Read those books I mentioned before...I mean it, go out, run to the bookstore and get them today and read them before you just decide to leave before she does....they gave me a lot of strength when I was going through something similar. Get the "5 Languages of Love" too if you can. THen read them and set your own timeline - be generous because it did not take overnight to get here, and it won't take overnight to heal it either. 3 months, 4 months.....to apply what you learn, get a new perspective and if by then there is STILL this wishy washiness, then decide if you need to leave or not. But I hope you still give it everything before you do; because I can tell you care and love her greatly and honestly; this stuff is what the real stuff is about - loving someone enough in the hard times even when you sometimes feel like giving up and running away. If she sees how you can do it, and the changes, you never know what change of heart will occur on her end.

[heartbroken32377]

Thank you so much for your help. While I love reading I don't think I can stomach any books about marriage until I know where I stand. I feel as though I would come home with the books and start reading and than that would be the day she tells me its over and if thats the case the reading won't help much.

 

I so appreciate your responses. I am in work today and I am having a real tough time holding it together. I am not a very sensitive man at all, but I feel like a little kid now.