I want her back.. (Pretty long, sorry but it has to be 4 everyone to understand)

[derekjones52]

~~This is strange to me to dump this information out to everyone like this but sometimes it helps just to let it ALL out to complete strangers~~

 

So I was dumped by this girl a little over 4 months ago and I still hurt inside and wish to be with her again... I was with her for 14 months, may not sound long to you but she is technically my first gf and she is my first love... When I first met her I was dumped by a girl from a 1 month nothing relationship (she was very emotionally abusive at the end) so I wasnt looking for any type of relationship, all I was thinking was that I was done with dating for a year and that I didnt want to go through anymore heartache for a while..

 

Anyways after a month of getting to know this girl I discovered that she had MANY of the qualities that I have been looking for in a person for soo long (never had a true gf/relationship for 19 years since I am that picky) and that I couldnt let her slip away without trying to be with her. So we got together, about a month into the relationship she tells me something that really upset me (I wont mention since its her privacy and even though no one knows her name I still would feel bad saying) and eventually I told her that I had an addiction to porn (I was having issues at the time and i got rid of that problem)..obviously she had issues with this porn thing and throughout our relationship we almost broke up 3 times because she wasnt sure if she could deal with the thought of it...I never did anything to make her think about it and I never did it...

 

8 months into the relationship we were having a talk and she said that if I EVER looked at porn that she would break up with me, I agreed that she should. 2 months went by and the relationship was still going strong. College started up again and we had 2 classes together and were spending alot of time together (even over the summer we would spend at least 5-6 hours together everyday...too much, I know now) and I could see that our relationship was going stag and she wasnt as friendly to me as normal but I didnt know what to do and she wasnt very helpful in the matter either.

 

We were saying that we were inlove with eachother and we talked sometimes about "when we marry", "if we marry" and all that stuff for such a long time...the day before thanksgiving of 2006 she gave me a call and said that "she needed to talk to me in person", and that was when she told me that she "needed a break"...I have talked to her before that I dont think taking a break is anything except a break up so I didnt show it to her face but afterwards I broke down hard... I remembered that I had taken a look at porn the week before (dont even know why and I didnt even want to or go through with anything) and I called her about 10 minutes after she left in her car and told her that I had looked, she was furious and hurt and said "WE ARE OVER"...we talked everyday for a week and it just went in circles over this... I appologized and did everything/said everything that I could to show her that I love her and that I wanted to be with her (which ultimatly pushed her away more)

 

She kept contact with me and after a month had past she would call me every 3 days just to talk and say hi...I couldnt handle it because she wouldnt take me back (trust me I tried and I did pretty much all the wrong things), I told her that I couldnt talk to her anymore at all. That worked for a week and a half and she texted me to ask a favor (which I ignored) and later on we randomly ran into each other twice in one day! I decided to make contact again, we talked again every once and a while and we hung out twice over the course of a month...She texted me randomly one night asking how I was with "us" and I didnt know how to answer her so I played it off like I didnt know what she was asking, she just cut the text conversation off by saying goodnight.. She helped me pick out a gift for my mom and shortly after we shopped I texted her asking how she was with "us" and she said "good, im happy that we can be friends"... I told her that I still have feelings for her and she just seemed ackward and said that" its good that your honest but I dont really know what to say to that, you know?"... I just told her that I was saying that just so that she knew...

 

2 days later (havent spoken with her since the present shopping) I see her at church and its kinda ackward..I leave for lunch with family and she later texted me saying that I could of came along with her and her friends...later that day I get a phone call from my friend who said he talked to her and told me that she is interested in some guy (she went to the restuarant my friend worked at and so he got to talk to her a little)...she knows that my friend would bring this info to me...SO I texted her saying that I hear that you have found a new guy, hope your happy... She texted back asking to explain...to cut this part short. I told her that I still love her and that I want a second chance, that this new guy isnt right for her...She turned me down and said "its not going to happen", that she doesnt think that we are right for eachother.. She is basing assumptions of me that I know are wrong but she is too stubburn to let me show her.. The whole texting thing ended with her frustrated with me and seemed pretty angry. I appologized the next day by email and explained myself to her.. She texted a thank you later that night. This guy now seems to me now like nothing serious because she isnt dating him (from my knowledge) and there hasnt been anything said about him through friends (no I havent been asking around, friends share too much information on myspace rather than just emailing).

 

 

So now it seems to me I am at a complete loss...she went on a trip to hawaii the morning after I appologized to her, almost a week after she returned I never received any contact from her..I called her once about 4 days after she returned from the trip and smalled talked (it was a very good conversation actually) and then asked her if she wanted to get a jamba juice later, she was busy with a class she takes during the time I wanted to meet (which is a legit reason because I remembered after I had asked)...I never tried to make contact since

 

 

*What I am on here for is to ask for some advice, whether I should make contact with her now or if I should just wait and see if she contacts me and work from there.

 

*I am trying the NC but I realize that that isnt going to just bring her back, I was hoping though that if I did do NC for a month that maybe the dust will settle and maybe she will be more open minded to the thought that I really have changed (I have! many things about me have changed but I know she doesnt think that right now). I am doing my best to try and move on but I know that I am in love with this girl and I will do anything and everything to get her back, if its even possible to get her back... I know that i dont NEED her to make me happy or anything, but I DESIRE/WANT her to be a part of my life and that I want a relationship with her.

 

*If I am to make contact with her, how should I go about it and just what should I do?

 

*Should I go with NC and "let the dust settle" and try to see whats left??

 

*should I just try and be friends with her, with her knowing that I still have feelings for her and see what develops?

 

 

Just help me with in any way you can...I dont want to lose her, i know right now there isnt a chance BUT I also know that all hope is lost...I think that there is something left but I just dont know how to go about all of this.

 

 

P.S. If you read all of this posting, THANKS! I know its ALOT to read but its all needed to help you understand where Im at, once again, thanks for reading it all.

 

P.S.S. The reply about how you where wondering how many times i have to be turned down til i get the hint... I havent been groveling at her feet asking her everytime I talk to her or anything, the first 2 weeks I asked for us to get back together alot but I know now that that was a big mistake, she was furious at me and I should of just given her space](*,) ... The only times I have asked her is when it seemed that she was more friendly and seemed much more interested, once again I should of given it time and space but I am new at this whole relationship repair thing In aspect there hasnt been THAT many times she has said no to me, but I do know that I am going about this wrong and need help to understand my current situation and how to handle it. Otherwise, I do understand "no means no"...BUT people sometimes say no but their actions means something else so that whole idea goes out the window so im just confused with this whole thing.

[karvala]

You won't like it, but my initial reaction was to wonder how many times she needs to say no, in order for you to believe it? You can't make her have a relationship with you, and by the end of the post, I'd lost count the number of times you'd asked her, and it seems that's she's scarcely even hesitated in her consistent refusals. I realise you want her back more than anything, but sadly it requires more than that for a relationship to actually happen.

 

If you're really determined to keep at it, which I wouldn't advise, then you have basically two approaches: (1) NC for a significant period, so that she can experience life without you, and you might even begin to move on for a while, though in this case you wouldn't be doing NC for the usual reason; or (2) Make a serious effort to be an unconditional friend for her, to be a strong, positive presense in her life while others around her fail at times, never asking for anything emotionally for yourself, until she is ready to give it of her own volition. This is very difficult to do successfully for the necessary length of time, so think carefully before you try it.

 

Really, if it were me, I think I'd have got the message by now, and be in NC for the right reason, but if you're not there yet, then one of the above two, applied consistently, is probably the way to go.

[poke]

karvala is right. Its time to let her go. If you're intent on not letting go, NC is still the what needs to happen.

 

I'm sorry that you dont want to hear it, but it really does sound like things are over, and now you just need to look after you.

[mikeca]

I agreee, its time for you to let go, if only for awhile...start NC...try one month then see how you feel, and whats going on...and if you feel good about it, keep it up.

[derekjones52]

I didnt mention in this posting that when she first said no, that she said that maybe later on she will feel different (that was in the first 2 months of the break). And also when I did break contact for that week and a half and then we saw eachother again, that she was acting very flirty and just acted different around me until the day she went shopping with me to get a present for my mom,that was when it seemed ackward again...ALSO during that time she even would tell me that the guys that she has been hanging out with she has no interest in at all. So it has been mixed signals. Im not just holding on to air here, there is a reason that I am still like this. Sadly I sometimes think that its all just a game.

 

I realize that I cant force someone back into a relationship, I am doing the NC for two reasons though.

 

1. That this time will help me move on more from all of this.

2. Possibly it will have her more "curious" of me again.

 

It has already been a week since I started the NC and I am doing alright thus far. My ex and I have never gone more than a week without talking to eachother (well a week and a half if you count my try at ending all contact that one time). I am usually not the one making contact either so this whole NC thing should affect both myself and my ex in some way.

 

 

I dont know if it changes anything you guys said but is there anymore advice you want to give?