Interfering People

[heyadrian]

Hello,

 

As some of you know I've made a few posts here and well, things have gone bad.

 

I'm separated from my partner at the moment because of a drinking habbit I used to have and a few other issues.

 

ANyway, things weren't going so well till she saw that I was trying, stayed sober and lived a clean and healthy life.

 

Yesterday a friend of mine decided to interfere and try sortin us out and bringing us closer. That TOTALLY messed things up. I didnt even know that the guy was talking to Debbie, but after last night I've learnt that he got her chat address from her profile. (thats the last time I proudly show someone on the internet who I'm in love with )

 

She thinks that I was spying on her, and sending people in to try find out about her and what she's up to. She's totally flown off the handle about this and there is no way I can contact her and let her know that I had no part in this.

 

Could someone tell me what to do? I'm worried that my friend (EXfriend) has killed the very little that we re-kindled.

 

Thanks

 

Adrian

[Karhu]

communication is the key to a relationship. if you're going to attempt to re-kindle a realtionship you need very good communication between the two of you. you'll need that to work out past dificulties and grow.

 

you should be able to openly and honestly talk abou tthese things, make it into a joke that the two of you can mutually laugh about.

 

if you have good communication then nobody can mess up your relatinoship besides you.

[heyadrian]

I just wish that could happen, but from the way I was when I was drinking left alot of scar tissue.

 

After what happened last night with that idiot and my partner, I really have NO idea how to fix this.

 

I kept my end of the promise when we separated that I would stop drinking, go to swef help groups, see shrinks etc... Now I'm even as far as going into hospital for assesment so the docs know what medication or treatment to give me.

 

That little glimmer of hope i had from her yesterday gave me the strength to go to hospital and be brave about it.

 

I play the cards right for the first time and it goes wrong again.

 

How can I win?. I dont only mean with her, I mean in loife generally. Everything is belly up at the mo no matter what I do or try etc...

 

-A

[Karhu]

i still think communication is the key. it might be hard, might take time. but is required if you wish to fix the relationship.

openness and honesty is the way to go. and misunderstandings can be straitened out by telling her the whole truth.

 

you are not to blame for what some friend did without your consent. actually i think it's quite funny and would be a good joke for the two of you to laugh about at a later time.

 

it's good you are seeking help with the drinking. that causes a LOT of problems in relationships! I totally gave up drinking 8 years ago, as I wanted to put my life on track, it did so much for me!

 

And it's just as much fun if not more fun when not drinking, (i can be even more crazy then drunk people and have more energy). i think high self confidence helps being steadfast, a lot of people only really start drinking due to because they feel like they have to fit in with the crowd (i.e. low self confidence). Making the stand to take control of my life gives a lot of strength, at the start people had a lot of questions, now everyone respects me for the decision, and steadfastness, and it is a sign that I am in control of my life. also a lot of the woman i date really respect me for it and see it as a huge positive (especially after having drunk abusive fathers/ex's etc). this along with having integrity, morality, confidence, and communication skills goes a long way with woman.

 

I know it's easier said than done, and takes a lot of effort, i think that your effort is praiseworthy. Let deeds not words be your adorning, if you put your life on track then she will see that and it'll mean a lot more than you simply saying that you are going to. Maybe it might take a little time to sort out your life, but by showing her you’re a new man it’ll do a lot more than what some friend says to her.

 

keep at it, you're on the right path

[heyadrian]

i dont think its only communication. this is pretty much complicated take a look at a few of my other posts about this, its alot deeper than plain old communication. its more about the carnage left behind a drunk....

 

Also telling her thoe whOLE truth would KILL any thing which could be left. When I met her I was sober, just past the 90 day mark, but thanks to my weakness and the joys of Christmas cheer I failed She thinks it was a stint that I was going through and it was actually on an off for about 2 years.

 

There were a load of other lies too which seemed important to her. Nothing serious, but they were jsut to big myself up. They had no direct impact on the relationship (So I thought) but looks like they did.

 

Aus, can u drop me a message? I could do with some advice on this matter.

 

- adrian

[Karhu]

You’re welcome!

I know it’s not an easy path to recovery. But it is worthwhile in the end.

 

You have taken a very important step of learning from the past. And putting your life in the right direction.

 

Maybe you can reconcile your relation, maybe all the carnage is beyond reconciliation, but most importantly you have learnt a lot from it. So can put your life on track. And be more happy when you are alone or with a future partner.

 

Often a lot of other problems (abusiveness etc) come out from drinking and cause a lot of challenges in relationships. Removal of alcohol takes away a lot of problems.

 

Taking this time to really sort yourself out will make a big difference to your future. I mentioned communication as being essential for patching up past relations and working on future ones. Also honesty is a key quality to develop, as truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues. And developing listening skills, and hobbies.

 

It takes some time to work on your life, but is worthwhile! I’ve been working on my life for a few years. Putting my energy into self-improvement instead of into chasing chicks. And as a result I found girls starting to chase me, and now I’ve just found the most amazing woman(see my other posts) that is definitely worth the effort put into self-improvement.

 

These qualities also help the relationship, as I know both her and me are truthful it removes pains of jealousy, and both can communicate, making problem solving easier etc.

 

Being in a different country can be challenging at first, which might lead to wanting to fit in with other people, maybe if everyone else is drinking then it’s easier to go with the flow. But by taking charge of your life you develop self-confidence to be who you want to be, adopting the best characteristics from each culture you live in. I’ve now lived in 3 countries, and living in different countries has only strengthened me, becoming a world citizen.

 

I am now so thankful I went through the learning process and took charge of my life!

 

And ‘m glad you are actively working through your problems and putting your life on track. Keep at it