Third Week of NC

[sebastn7]

First off I would just like to say that this website has really helped me very much and I just wanted to thank y'all for that. It gives me strength and that’s exactly what I asked for when I prayed the day she let me go.

 

I was with my girlfriend for 4 years..I was her first everything...I blame myself...I wasn't the best boyfriend...I mean I was a good boyfriend...I was patient, understanding...I did so many good things, But I also made mistakes ..I took her for granted...I never cheated on her...But I took her for granted and I lied to her once...Yeah once...Guys, if there is one thing I learned, Never ever EVER lie to your girlfriend even once...I tried writing down my whole story but gave up since it was just sooo long...The bottom line is that I made mistakes...But I learned from them...All I wanted was another chance to show her how much I loved her...But it was too little too late...She figured out how much of a jerk I was before, as soon as she went away to medical school...She always brings up the past...She never lets it go...Even when I admit my wrong, she will still bring it up later...She's the most stubborn person I know...It was last september that she went away...

 

3 weeks over there and she called me up to tell me she wanted a break...That she didn't want to be thinking about me while she was studying...At first it was hard for me, but I let her know that I understood and that I still loved her...She was very happy that I understood...I felt like I was in limbo...I mean, I basically was in limbo...She came back for christmas break and as soon as she saw me she said she fell in love again with me all over again...I was soo happy...We were still on break but she said that she still loved me...Again I was patient and actually thought things would work out...Again as soon as she went away, 3 weeks later she told me how much she hated me for all the things I ever did to her...I don't blame her...Like I said I wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, but I still loved her and I learned from all my mistakes...All I ever wanted was a chance to show her how much I loved her and how I could make her happy...Not a chance...

 

She finally let me go 3 weeks ago...At first it was really hard, I just couldn't believe it was over...I think I've been dealing with it well because of the fact that I was in limbo for so long...Anyways, I found this website and found out about NC and how it could help...I've wrote down all the things that I didn't like about myself and went on a mission to improve every single one...I've been exercising 6 days a week...I stopped drinking...I study harder...It also helped me get my mind off of the pain...When I exercise, I channel all my pain into that...It works...Anyways, she wrote me yesterday...She wrote this ....

 

"y am i still emailing u.. only God knows.. all iknow is everyday i think about how much of a mistake it was. no doubt it was great while it lasted but u did me wrong.. n thats screwed up!

..just coz of u.. ah .. life sucks"

 

...Man that feels horrible, but Im so used to it...Every time she talks to me its always something like that...She hates my guts...It's also funny because the way I see it, she still thinks of me...lol...It might be hatefull words...but atleast she thinks of me right? lol...Man, I've apologized for everything that I ever did...I cried for her many times...I just wanted a chance to show her that I changed...Anyways, Im doing NC, Its been 3 weeks and she wrote me this...Do I respond? And If I do, what do I say? I mean...I don't hate her...I still love her...I always will no matter what...Yeah Im moving on...not because I want to move on, but because I have no other choice...But no one compares to her though...I know everything happens for a reason, I know one day I'll be happy again. Im so gratefull that I learned from my mistakes, I just wish she was still in my arms so that I could show her. But yeah guys...What do I do?

[finewhine]

First: STOP TALKING TO HER!

 

Second: BLOCK HER E-MAILS!

 

If you really did treat her horribly, it's well within her rights to vent a little steam in your direction. However, it's up to you whether or not you want to deal with this now or when you're stronger.

 

I would have a better understanding of the situation if you told us why she's so darn mad at you.

 

Oh, and I used to hate my ex because he was horrible to me. I went through a period where I would fantasize about him getting fired from his job, laughed at by his friends, etc. (my favorite revenge fantasy is where a pigeon would crap in his eye, and then he'd get hit in the knee by a bike). Anyway, let me lend you the perspective of the "wronged woman":

 

Your ex is finally realizing she stayed in an unfulfilling and possibly damaging relationship. She's angry with herself for loving you. Let me repeat: SHE'S ANGRY WITH HERSELF FOR STAYING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. This is so important for you to understand. Whether or not you did something truly horrible is kind of irrelevant. She was unhappy, and it was her responsibility to keep herself happy. She failed herself. You may have failed her, but SHE FAILED HERSELF.

 

Do you know how hard it is to fail yourself? To wake up one morning, look yourself in the mirror, and realize you've been selling yourself short by staying in a sub-par relationship? It's awful. First, you want to kill the person who let you down, but then you look deep within and realize you played an equal part.

 

Let her deal with her own stuff. It's not your responsibility to deal with her any more because she dumped you. If you did something really, truly bad, write her a letter. Say, "X, I'm so sorry for the horrible thing I did. You deserve better. Etc." and move on. If not, just ignore her. You won't do her any favors by placating her. Trust me, I've been there and I know I got WAY better by myself, without any help from my ex.

[sebastn7]

All I know is that what I did do, wasn't my fault...But it was still bad...As far as everything else goes...When I think back about all the things like taking her for granted...example...Wanting to hang out with my new fraternity brothers more than her...I was immature...It was a stupid phase and even though I hate myself for making those mistakes, Im also glad that I made them because next time I'll know what to do and what not to do. I know that I am a great guy and Im gonna miss her so much, but I can't sit here and dwell on it...I gotta do something about it and the only thing that I can think of is to keep up with my exercising, my studies, graduate and just enjoy my life as much as possible, because I only have one.

[sebastn7]

Alright...Im really really trying to do NC...It does work...It truly does...I've finally accepted that she doesn't want me...She did break up with me about 4 weeks ago, but my heart was broken the day she wanted a break...I mean come on, we all know what a break usually leads too...Anyways, that was last september. So yeah, I've been heart broken since then...6 months of pain...ewww...I shiver when i think of it....I hated every second of it...Anyways, It was really really hard...But Im trying to get over that pain and I've been progressing...My confidence is up...I've been working out...Girls are smiling at me left and right...Feels good...I mean, I have to look out for myself...Yes, I still love her and I always will...But anyways, Im really trying to do NC, but she still e-mails me...Now she's telling me that she's gonna be writing to me like if it were a journal...Honestly, half of me just wants to tell her to not do that because it will just make it harder for the both of us and trust me I've told her and I quote,"Please stop writing me, honestly, the longer you go without contacting me, the sooner you will forget me and be over with me." but now she wants to write me telling me how I made her feel...Honestly, I do want to know how she feels...I truly do because for the past 6 months all she does is just cuss me out and tell me how much she hates me...No real reasons...and honestly guys, yeah I did make mistakes, but they weren't my fault...She just won't listen though...No matter if its the truth...But anyways, Im finally looking out for myself and have accepted what has happened and if I did see her walking on the street, I would smile and say hi like if nothing ever happened...I would...So what do y'all think about it though?

[bar35]

Honestly, i think that she is a little nuts. The first poster said that maybe she was in an unfulfilling relationship that she is angry at herself for staying in. She said it may have been "subpar". Well here's the scoop from my POV. I still don't know what you did that was so wrong. You were living your life. You were hanging out with your frat bothers. That is what you wanted at the time. A reasonable thing to do.

 

If she can't make it out of the times when you weren't perfect in her eyes then she won't make it out of the times when other people aren't perfect in her eyes either. People are not perfect. We are all flawed. All of our relationships will be flawed, because we all are. It is our ability to move forward with another person and to work with them that builds a relationship.

 

Look, they always look so perfect in retrospect, and mabe she was at a place in her life that you didn't happen to be in. She went away to medical school. Her stress level is high and now she is displacing her emotions of stress onto you. That is not fair, but she may not even realize that she could be doing this. We so often choose the closest target, which is why we so often hurt the ones we love the most.

 

It doesn't sound like she is over you and if your worst infraction is that you hung out with the boyz too much then my man you really didn't do anything wrong. If you cheated on her. Killed her dog. Beat up her dad. Hit her. Refused to respond to her attempts to communicated growth. These are mistakes, some of which can't be reconciled, the final one can, it just requires effort. We are not perfect. We don't always do things for ourselves perfectly. It is unreasonable for another person to expect that we will always be perfect for them. That sir is life.

[sebastn7]

never never hit her, never hit her father, killed her dog, cheated on her...etc..etc..I probably will say later what I did, Im just not ready right now...But I do appreciate the feedback Bar...Thanks! It really makes sense what you said.

[sebastn7]

Man, Im so proud of myself...Today I really had this big urge to call her...Don't know why...I guess just like a lot of y'all, the whole getting over her is just like a rollercoaster ride...It's crazy, one day I'll be fine and the next day I feel like its the end of the world...Anyways, after a few minutes of thinking about it, I decided not to...I felt it would be best for me not to subject myself to that pain...It was hard to convince myself not to but in the end I didn't call her...All I want to know is if she is doing ok...I do want her to know that I still care...That I still think of her...But then again, I think that would just push her away even more. Besides, I should focus more on myself right now.

[bar35]

Good move not calling her, well done. Ultimately she is fine, and whether you push her away any further or not is not really the point. You will just be more hurt yourself, and that you don't need.

[Newroses]

Um, I am new to all this and I am still way messed up myself so I don't know if I am in any position to give advice or if my advice will be sound or all messed up too. However, I will try to say what your story makes me feel and how it relates to what I am going through.

 

I think that my ex is doing NC on me which is very difficult to deal with (mostly because I love her two little girls like my own). I have tried to contact her in various ways. At first I think I was doing it because I still wanted to have a connection with the three of them. She has been really strong and hasn't really contacted me at all (she answered a phone call once). So for the past few days I've realized what she is actually doing and I realized why. Just like you I think she is trying to be strong and not contact me so that she can move on with her life. Understanding this only makes it easier in the sense that I want her and the girls to be happy and move on. What I further realized is that I can try NC as well. I need to move on too. I want to call her and try to get her to let me still have a relationship with the girls and everything but I think that I am going to try the NC thing because I can't continue living with all this pain.

 

So the reason I say not to contact her is that when I see that you have made three weeks without anycontact it gives me hope that I can do it to. If you cave in and reach out to her I think it will ruin the progress you've made. Maybe not all of it but it will make it harder to push past week 4 and 5 etc etc. I want to make a week first and then make 3 and like I said the fact that you've make it to 3 weeks with NC gives me hope that this goal is reachable.

 

I hope this makes sense and helps at all. Let me know what you think. Good Luck!

[Newroses]

That's tough man. I don't know that I could deal with that sort of guilt and fear. All I can say is hang in there man. You are still an inspiration to me. Good luck!