Background Checks?

[crazyredhead]

I've never considered doing one. Still hadn't till talking to a friend earlier today.

 

She's aware of my LDR and that we're planning to meet. While she's not against it, or him, she said I sould get a background check. I know they're available over the net.

 

I trust this guy, we've known each other about a year through a message board and related chat room, we've been in this relationship about 3 months, and although we're still in the getting to know you phase, I think so far he's been honest with everything I've asked.

 

So I guess I'm asking is a background check a bad idea or not?

[annie24]

have you actually met him in person? how far does he live from you?

[shes2smart]

If you have never met this person, I'm of the opinion that any steps you can take to look out for your own safety are worth pursuing...and that would include a background check.

 

It's far too easy for people to misrepresent themselves online...and while it's my belief that most people are fairly honest and basically good people, all it takes is one psycho to mess up your life either on a temporary or permanent basis.

 

I don't know that I'd bother with a background check if you don't have any plans to meet in person. If you do have plans to meet -- particularly if those plans involve you traveling off your home turf, where you have friends/family and are familiar with the area -- then I'd absolutely do a background check. Plus get my own hotel room, my own rental car, and meet at a public place first.

 

A little paranoid? Maybe. But I'd rather be overly cautious at first and then end up laughing at myself because of it than be less cautious and find myself in a whole world of crap because of it.

[Dako]

If you met him at a coffee shop, would you hire a detective to check him out?

 

Seems like your friend is looking out for you, but you have to look out for yourelf.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Hmm. It might be a good idea - but I'd be probably be honest with him about doing it. It's important that your partner understands that you are careful about your safety, and I think you could learn a lot about him from his reaction.

[Batya33]

Since you are not in a real life relationship with him I would have him checked out and not tell him - for purposes of your safety, he is a total stranger and it is not his business how you choose to protect yourself. You do not know him at all for purposes of your safety - he is an e-mail penpal despite your labeling this a romantic relationship. It's so easy to actually believe you know and trust the person because of the attachment through typing and talking.

[SummerGirl38]

!!!!!YES!!!!!

 

I'll try and make a story of what happened to me....

 

Met him over the net. He knew my bosses son Michael. I have known Michael my whole life and considered any friend of his had to be allright.

 

We started to date, went out about a month. He had this girl roomate, which was ok with me. They had separate bedrooms, separate lives and basically they hated each other. They only lived together to share expenses, so I thought "hey, it's no big deal".

 

For some reason at the time I could never figure out why, this roomate hated me. I had never done anything to her, was always nice, but let it slide off my back thinking, "I can't please everybody'.

 

He started to get very posessive and with me just finalizing my divorce two months before, I was in no place to get pushed around by anybody at that point, so I ended it.

 

Once I ended it, he stalked me for about a year, maybe more. He threatened to kill my family, snap my neck. He would call me late at night when I lived alone and tell me what lights were burning in my house. He would wait in the parking lot at work all day long and just glare at me with the most wicked face, so creepy.

 

I had to get wire taps put on my company's work phone. He called my Ex husband and told him that he had been having an affair with me for about a year before I was ever divorced. I KNEW THIS GUY ONE MONTH.

 

It was the most terrifying time in my life, long story short.

 

About a year later, my Mom called me at work and told me to grab the newspaper..... He had just been arrested.... remember the roomate ...... DUH, SHE WASN''T HIS ROOMATE, SHE WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND...so no wonder she hated me.... I felt like such a fool... but apparently they had stopped living together at some point and she came back one day to grab some more things.... he repeatedly raped her over the course of a weekend .... the paper said her body was head to toe bruises....after 7 years.... he just got out of prison in February.... and I am still scared of ever running into him again.

 

Not saying everyone you meet on the net is bad, but honestly, you just don't know. Better to be safe than sorry. Do a public record search on him. "Search systems" is only $5 and you can do a search to see if he has ever had any kind of criminal case in his area. Better to lose $5, than your life.

[SummerGirl38]

Hey, Just wanted to add if your guy turns out to be the guy you thought he was. I would not suggest telling him you ever did this.

 

Since my stalker, I always do a search on someone I date if I don't already know them personally. I told another Ex of mine once that I did a search on him and he took it as such an invasion of his privacy.

 

Honestly though if I would have paid any attention to the Civil suits that were listed against my Ex I would have known way ahead of time that he was horrible with money.

 

Some may call it nosey, I call it looking out for myself.

 

Anyway, Good luck on Mr. Right

[crazyredhead]

WOW SummerGirl...I am speechless.

 

Thank God you got out of the 'rea;tionship' but man....that would definitely scar me for life!

 

Be safe!

[Kalika]

Gah. I'm speechless too. If I'd gone through that, I think I'd be background checking everyone I know.

[fnlyfrei]

Try google too...I found out a man I dated...who was a lawyer, had a disciplinary action against him on a state court website for domestic abuse with his ex wife. It opened up my eyes...and it was free.

[ghost1150]

Whoa, Summergirl, that is way nuts. I'm glad you are OK!

[Dako]

Through the internet,

I found my elderly mother's doctor had his medical license suspended and was in jail for cocaine possession and threatening his ex wife.

Another doc was filling in at the clinic of Dr. Quack, but wouldn't talk.

It finally confirmed my suspicions this guy was a creep.