Unfaithful or Not??

[Savannahbaby]

Need for someone else to share their thoughts! Last June my husband came home from a weeklong trip and informed me that he wanted a divorce. This is not the first time he has requested one over our 18-year marriage. Matter of fact he uses it as much as someone would change their underwear. For some reason this last request (for a divorce) felt different then all the other times. I felt like someone dropped a brick wall on me.

Little back ground!~ His 18 years in the Military has taken him away a lot more times then most could bear. But I have always supported him.... sitting home along on all the holidays, year after year.. Hiding in my job and schoolwork. Last June he turned the big 40 and I am not sure if that has something to do with it! What I found out after his request for a divorce was that there was another woman he was hanging around with "Friend as he called her". I found out about her by checking the cell phone bill and calling his voice mail. My heart dropped when I hear her voice. Needless to say I was PISSED OFF! I confronted him with the cell phone bill and brought up her voicemail message and their little code names for each other. I even called her and told her to back off. She said they were just friends. I told her that another women "who was "married" should not be with another married man until 3:00 in the morning or go to the moves or talk over the phone for 3 hrs at a time. Anyway, the fights went on all summer long.. he wanted out of the marriage. So I put our home on the market and filed for legal separation. I, never in the 18 years of putting up with his divorce requests went as far as to file for separation, until this time. He said that nothing happened with this woman and that he is no longer talks to her. He has mentioned from time to time that he would like to work things out. My problem is that I can not see the trees through the Forrest. This whole event has really changed who I am and what I saw my life to be. I worked so hard to be that perfect wife. (kept in shape, educated myself, worked to have a great career, and provide support) Now I feel like a washed up 40-year-old women. I am not happy as there is not trust and no relationship.. I am trying to find a way to savage our 18-year marriage, but can't feel any happiness inside. I have no motivation or confidence at work or in my own life. My best friend who was by my side during this whole event even says that I have changed. Her words "you are not the same person" you don't smile or laugh. You appear as if you don't sleep most nights. My face no longer appears bright and vibrant.

 

How do I move on and should it be with him? How do I get to feel like a women again? and will I even find someone to Love me for me? Was he really unfaithful or was she just a friend?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is not the first time he has requested one over our 18-year marriage. Matter of fact he uses it as much as someone would change their underwear.

 

This statement is very telling, and the fact that he was away a lot. You might want to read the book "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. There is also a website link removed

which has all kinds of information about Passive Aggressive behaviours. The archived guestbook is an amazing read. Without knowing other issues in your relationship, I can't say whether or not your husband has passive aggressive issues but repeatedly threatening to terminate the relationship is a common mind game of passive aggressive people. Also, passive aggressives tend to latch on to very strong, capable women and then covertly play games to trash the woman's self esteem.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I recently went through my own issues with a Passive Aggressive man (luckily I wasn't married to him)...he also went behind my back and found another woman. Yes, the betrayal is horrible...but you know what....I am an accomplished, successful woman with a strong sense of self...and that is something he can't take away from me. That is what you also have to realize. You are an amazing and wonderful person and don't base your self-worth on what he feels about you and what he did to you. He is trash and not worth thinking about. If he wants his little honey, let him have her...he will soon be doing to her, what he did to you. You are better than that. You will move on. Who knows what the future has in store for you, but if you are out of the relationship with him, that gives you a world of opportunities to meet someone who will cherish you and not want to hurt you. Please feel free to email me.

[Dako]

I'm very sorry you're in this misery, and I hope my response doesn't offend you.

 

It's pretty unusual for a caring guy to routinely ask his wife for a divorce.

No matter what he's up to, I have to ask a simple question.

How could you put up with a guy who's so cruel?

[annie24]

gotta agree with the others, being routinely asked for a divorce is not normal. YIKES!!!!! Get into some therapy for yourself, and talk things over. I think you can find love again, many people do after their divorce. good luck

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How could you put up with a guy who's so cruel?

 

Passive aggressive behaviour is very cruel and abusive. What happens is that the partners of passive aggressive people tend to be high functioning, caring and forgiving people. Passive aggressives pull the rug out from under you and then do major "grandstanding" gestures to lull their partner into a false sense of security. Since the partner is typically caring and forgiving, the passive aggressive person takes full advantage of that part of their partner's character. They need a partner to play out their twisted games...and if they go too far, then they grandstand to get their partner (victim) back. They only really leave if they find a new victim to play off of.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am so sorry that you are in pain. I love being married and don't want to end my 18 year marriage. But my husband acts as if I am the worst person in the world. I support him 100%. He does what he wants, when he wants to. He never tell me where or when he will be back.

 

This is what you wrote in another post. THIS IS CLASSIC PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY BEHAVIOUR. Please read the book and visit the website I posted above...it will shed a lot of light on your marriage. It is "crazymaking" behaviour and one thing that lot of women on that website wrote is that unless you have been involved with a passive aggressive person, you don't really understand the nature of what these people can do to undermine you and then rope you back in. I think if you read that book and the website, you will feel very validated knowing that it is not you and that countless other women have been down this same road.

[Savannahbaby]

Thank you all for your thoughts! I would like to ask each of you what you would do if you were faced with this issue. Would you turn yourself inside out trying to get facts of the other women? What would your say to your husband and how would you react if he turned the blame back on you?

 

Many nights my dreams of him fooling around wakes me up! How can I stop these dreams?

 

I was thinking that he has bipiolor disorder but maybe PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE personality fits him well. One minute he is nice and the next he is blamming me and everyone else around him. As well, he thinks that he is the greatest man and is a good catch. Is his self inflated ego because he is really lacking self confindance?

[Savannahbaby]

Thank you all for your thoughts! I would like to ask each of you what you would do if you were faced with this issue. Would you turn yourself inside out trying to get facts of the other women? What would your say to your husband and how would you react if he turned the blame back on you?

 

Many nights my dreams of him fooling around wakes me up! How can I stop these dreams?

 

I was thinking that he has bipiolor disorder but maybe PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE personality fits him well. One minute he is nice and the next he is blamming me and everyone else around him. As well, he thinks that he is the greatest man and is a good catch. Is his self inflated ego because he is really lacking self confindance?

[bar35]

Passive aggressive is not a personality disorder, it may be a trait exhibited in a personality disorder, like bipolar, because the back and forth of his being married to you and then wanting a divorce is polarized behavior.

 

I don't think that that his frequently asking for a divorce is passive aggressive either, it is straight out abuse and overtly aggressive behavior. It is directly demeaning and really must be a head trip. I have never been married but I have been in relationships with the back and forth swings and it is horrible.

 

One of the problems with a person making us feel rejected is illustrated in your post. "I have no motivation or confidence at work or in my own life". You have been made to feel "less than" or "worthless".

 

This is not the truth. You are a person of incredible worth. You have educated yourself, been a supportive loving woman, developed a career and worked hard to preserve your marriage. These are qualities of profound value, character and strength.

 

You will not wind up alone. Trust me on this one. You won't. But if you don't take action you will wind up being tortured emotionally and mentally for years to come and the pain will only increase over time.

 

Find a smart therapist. Find a good lawyer, and do whatever you need to do to get out of this. From my perspective divorce should only be mentioned once, if ever, in a marriage, and that is when it is going to happen. Otherwise it becomes an instrument of aggression, be it overt aggression or passive aggression.

 

That all being said, it is your life. I do not know your relationship, I do not know your husband and I do not know you. I empathize with your pain, but what i have said here is only my perspective. Please take care of yourself. You sound like a really great person who is going through some really hard times.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Passive aggressive is not a personality disorder, it may be a trait exhibited in a personality disorder, like bipolar, because the back and forth of his being married to you and then wanting a divorce is polarized behavior.

 

Passive aggressive Personality Disorder used to be listed as an official Personality Disorder in the DSM but has since moved to the Appendix of DSM IV until more research is done. It is not simply a behaviour, it is a whole character issue and way of doing things and viewing the world. Check out Living with the Passive Aggressive Man by Scott Wexler and the website

link removed. And yes, threatening divorce many times is a characteristic of this personality type...just check that website and read what countless women have to say. The big problem is that there are too many people who misunderstand PAPD and deny it exists. It DOES exist, and those sources are very very valuable sources. Bipolar and narcissistic tend to be the disorders everyone knows about so people are lumped into those two. If you read about PAPD, you would realize that there are certain behaviour patterns which are classic PAPD and when taken together, match that more than others. As well, people with Personality Disorders often have more than one.

 

The Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde and the blaming everyone else...classic PAPD.

And yes, PAPDs are abusive in relationships...typically emotional abuse which shatters a person's self esteem. PAPDs typically are unhappy and lack self-esteem. They often come accross as Mr. Nice Guy to the rest of the world but act horribly within their relationships. They often view themselves as nice people and their arrogance and sense of entitlement is used to counteract their extremely low self esteem. They are also habitual liars, emotionally distant, lack empathy, guarded, secretive, use various methods to keep their partner from getting what she wants, can be vindictive, spiteful, cruel, self-involved and have one foot in and one foot out the door. PAPD was first described amongst military personnel. If you start reading more about PAPD, it might help shed some light on your relationship and realize this guy is not worth it.

 

I don't think it is a good idea for you to find out more about this other woman. Even if he was not having a full-blown affair, often what passive aggressives do is keep another woman on standby in case their primary relationship isn't working or they try to make their partner jealous even if nothing is going on with anybody else. Since this man has not been a good partner and has been abusive to the point where your self-esteem has suffered, it is time to get out, get counselling, read books and improve your state of mind and body. You will get better, you just have to deal with this tough road first.

[moonbeam111]

Explose the affair to the married woman's husband. He deserves to know the truth about his marriage and he deserves a chance to work on it if he chooses so. Affairs thrive in secrecy and die when brought to the light.

 

And please, don't believe anything your husband says about being friends with the other woman.

 

Do you have children together?

[moonbeam111]

To answer your question if he is unfaithful:

Is he exhibiting these behaviors and saying this:

1. "I love you but am not in love with you."

2. "I have been unhappy for years...

3. Total, shocking rewriting of history about how BAD the marriage was "for years"

4. Detachment

5. Sneakiness

6. Hostility towards betrayed spouse

7. "I need space"

8. Sudden interest in appearance, weight loss, etc

9. No interest in sex

[Thornycactus]

Couple more to add to Moonbeams:

 

1. sexy underwear

2. change of cologne.......or wearing all the time

3. shaving of the privates

4. increased interest in his looks...........can he pass a mirror without looking into it?

 

And to answer your questions:

Yes they turn the blame back on you.............what does an animal do when it's cornered?

 

I would say too that he is lacking self confidence if he feels the need to tell everyone how great or what a catch he is.............people with, as I call it "quiet confidence" don't have to tell people...............we just know!

 

I personally would not "turn myself insideout" trying to find out about the other woman(unless this helps with the divorce settlement)...........once that stage has been reached............too much has been said.........too much has been done

 

And how to stop the dreams.............don't worry they will stop..........you sound like a intelligent beautiful woman who has a lot going for her..............soon you'll be asking yourself.........."What did I ever see in him?!"

TC

[forgingon]

Thank you all for your thoughts! I would like to ask each of you what you would do if you were faced with this issue. Would you turn yourself inside out trying to get facts of the other women? What would your say to your husband and how would you react if he turned the blame back on you?

 

Many nights my dreams of him fooling around wakes me up! How can I stop these dreams?

 

I was thinking that he has bipiolor disorder but maybe PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE personality fits him well. One minute he is nice and the next he is blamming me and everyone else around him. As well, he thinks that he is the greatest man and is a good catch. Is his self inflated ego because he is really lacking self confindance?

 

 

You sound so much like me! I have woken up about once a year with a nightmare that my husband just got cold and left me for another woman. And he was such a kind and sensitive guy that I thought I was crazy...and then he got cold and left.

 

He said that he wasn't in love anymore, and that he 'didn't want to be'; he said that he wanted someone 'exactly the opposite of me', and that he was afraid that being with me would 'ruin his life'. It was all complete nonsense. I'm not perfect but I have been a loving and supportive wife. I take care of myself, I have a sense of humor and I'm a great mother. I have been a bit depressed about my career (or lack thereof) for the past year...but I realized...

 

When they make it all about us...it is all about them...

 

And then I found out...Lo and behold there was another woman! So...I've been where you are. Nothing you can do will get through to him. Any effort will just push him further away. And the truth is if fooling around is the worse thing that could ever happen...it's likely happened, and you are alive and well (hurting...but healthy). I am in no way making light of it. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights in the past few months (we've been together 13 years, have 2 young children, and were 'happy' until about a year ago). I know how brutal it is, truly. But you are surviving, you will survive, and you will feel ok again.

 

I know it is easy to focus on her, and want details about her, but it is a waste of your time. Focus on yourself. Find ways to make yourself feel good, try to put it all aside and let some time pass so that you can process it.

 

I wish you well.

[houdini]

forgingon,

 

My ex blamed me for the relationship ending. She brought up every argument or wrong thing I did in the relationship down to the smalles mistake. so I can see where you say "when they make it all about us..it's all about them".

 

What do you think the chances of success are in these relationships that they jump into? and is it something they will ever regret doing?

 

Houdini

[Jeffrey01]

I've got to speak up here. I feel very sorry for you. It is awful what you are dealing with, and no one should have to put up with behaviour like that.

 

I am sad to admit that I displayed many of the characteristics of being passive aggressive during my 5 1/2 year marriage. As a result, my wife left me. She was identical to how you describe yourself. 100% supportive of me, the most caring, hard working, and passionate girl I'll ever meet. Yet I acted like a complete jerk.

 

To explain things from my side, so maybe you can try to understand him, I have to first tell you that I had no clue I was doing this while I was doing it. Or I should say, I knew I was behaving wrong, but I had no idea why, and I was unable to stop. It was awful. It was very frustrating for me. I would often talk to my wife openly about "some problem" that I cant understand or get over. I loved my wife very much. I never wanted to lose her, yet I continued to play these games. Now I never cheated, and never threatened divorce, but a lot of the other symptoms were there.

 

I am on my way to being a better person. I am aware of a lot of things I wasnt before. But I have to admit, if my wife had not taken the stand she did, I would not have changed. It took me hitting rock bottom and losing the most important person in my life to realize it.

 

I guess the point of my post is to say, it IS possible for him to change, but its questionable what it will take to make him REALLY do it.

 

For me, I had to lose everything.