Feeling OF Been Used

[Morgy]

Hi everyone, I have only posted a few times, but over this week I have read some interesting posts and I am at a loss with my own self At the momemt.

 

 

I date this girl who I thought was a fantastic person, someone who I thought came into my life at the right time after everything I had been through. We have has this on and off thing happening for 6 weeks and each time she pushed me away and then pulled me back in a week later saying that she missed me and loved me.

 

She used to date this Friend / Boss at work, someone she was also friends with for 6 years apparently. They dated 5 years ago and didnt work and then for a month last year and didnt work ( he broke it off ). She said she was relieved that it didnt work when he broke it off.

 

Well after about 2 and half months down the track after he found out she was seeing someone ( me ), he started with the I want you now which left her in confusion !! What progressed over the weeks was her having confused feelings and always coming back to me. So with this I thought she wanted to be with me and that he wouldnt let it go. She would tell me that she missed me, was in love with me and everything I needed to hear to pull me back in. 2 weeks ago she wanted me to move into a house with her, so thinking thats the kind of committment she wanted I agreed cause I thought she cared enough.

 

What I didnt see before me was the game that was being played between those two and I was just the pawn in the game. I treated this girl sooo well, gave her love and affection and do anything for her. I loved her kids like they were my own and yet i couldnt understand why she was hot and cold ??

 

I swear cause he knew she was seeing someone that suddenly he wanted her back and then played this want you, dont want you game with her cause he knew how to push her emotional buttons. So all the time I thought she wanted to be with me really I was just the fall back guy ! I dont know whether this makes sense to anyone ??

 

We moved in last weekend to a house and she had been talking to this guy and when she does talk to him she changes, thats a pattern I noticed. She becomes stressed and then pushes me away.. Well he must of said something enough for her to say... I am not happy and I am not in love with you the next day and hence I had to move out. love me one day and not the next is not a normal thing to do.

 

I really have this feeling that all along I have been used as a pawn or a fall back guy in this situation. That feeling alone is not a nice one especially when All I did was be the best partner to her and her children... It was always about her and her needs and never mine.

 

Why do people do this ??? Its not fair

[DN]

It most certainly isn't fair. Don't let this manipulative woman turn you off women in general for most are not like that. But whatever you do - don't let her do it to you again because she may try if she can't get what she wants from the other guy.

[blender]

Well, remember to try to learn from all this, and it's going to be okay, but keep a perspective of the "facts" from your "feelings". You had/have many feelings for her, yet the fact was/is she was still talking to or having some feelings (negative or positive) over this ex guy, she made a choice to still have some contact with him, and YOU made a choice to be "okay with that".. (no matter if you protested about it or not, you still stayed involved with her, even though this guy was always lurking in the background).

 

So you have every right to feel "used'... but that "feeling" is different from some of the "facts". The fact is she was not completely over whatever issues she has about this ex, and next time you meet someone you really "hope and wish and want to believe is "thee" girl for you".. well make sure to not only listen to what they are saying (words), but really observe the choices they make, (actions) because no matter what she "said" to you during the relationship, her "behavior and actions" were clearly of someone who was "confused, and still hanging on to issues about her ex"..

 

Give yourself a break here, and know that you tried your best, you took an emotional risk, and your feelings are hurt, but the Fact is you are much better off in the long run to be out of this relationship.

 

For today make a deal with yourself that you will no longer give your energy, (negative or positive) to this girl. And in the future, you will only choose to get involved with someone who is clear about thier intentions, not only with thier words, but by thier "choices, behaviors, patterns, actions".

 

There were some red-flag patterns here with this girl, and sometimes our hearts convince our minds to overlook them when we are emotionally wanting something to work, but trust that you will heal from this, it's HER loss, you're a good guy, you did your best, and she is no longer worthy of your precious energy, or heart.

 

Sorry this all happened and yes it's tough, but "if" she used you, she most likely didn't conscienceously do so.. she was really believing at the time that she wanted to make it work with you, she thought moving in with you would help her move on from the ex, and to give herself and her love to you.. but that is only because she was "ignoring" her own issues.. so do NOT take it personally, instead take it as a gift of discovery.. YOU discovered that SHE can not be emotionally responsible, mature, and loyal because she just can't do it, that's HER pattern.. it's not about you..

 

You're going to be fine, free, better, more wise, more self aware, and will grow past all this to love again in a better, healthier, more realistic way with a more mature, emotionally healthy, self-honest, self aware, loyal, sexy, respectful woman.

 

Remember, Any girl who would ALLOW her ex to keep in contact in an emotional push me pull you type of basis, is NOT someone whom you want to be involved with.. I know you're hurting right now, but you will realize soon enough you are better off.. and thank god you didn't waste anymore time, energy and your heart on this girl who is walking in a big emotional circle, only to keep running into HERSELF over and over again..

 

YOU are going straight ahead into better and more wonderful things..

 

Try not to allow yourself to let those feelings of being "used" fill your mind and heart... just feel empowered that you tried your best, and now you are free to learn from this, move on, heal your heart, and embrace all the adventure, serenity, and loves you will have in the future. This was not a mistake of a relationship it was a "lesson" of a relationship, a lesson you've learned and will now choose not to repeat.. good for you.. her loss... your gain.

[Morgy]

thats whats been happening all along i believe... When he gives her this I want her then doesnt she comes running back to me... I think now that she is getting what she wants from this bloke I am no longer needed.

 

It hurts that I gave and respected and believed her.. but to work it out myself was hard.

 

Why do people play this mind game... If he wanted her why didnt he stay with her last time.. why does he have to wait til he sees her with someone else and happy then he wants her back, yet all along I don think he really did...

[thelonelydoll]

blender - once again, an excellent post - thanks for the inspiration.

 

Morgy - there are many different ways in which we find ourselves feeling used, but maybe what we can all learn is never to put a SO's needs above our own. It's especially hard with those who do the push-pull game like she did with you. But we can all learn from the wisdom of blender's post above, to move on and put your own needs first, hard as that sometimes feels. Best of luck to you.

[spirits]

I'm sorry for your experience. i'm sure you've heard this many times, but all i can remind you is that you don't want to live with mind controller everyday for the next 10 years. You want someone who can treat you the same way you treat others. A foundation that is built upon honesty and trust.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

some people confuse drama and excitement with love, and she and this other guy sound like they play all kinds of games with each other, and pull other people into their game (like you).

 

If she can't decide from one week to the next whether she wants you or him, then she is not stable enough to be involved in a serious relationship with you... you have a right to feel jerked around, because she is obviously not thinking of anyone's feelings but her own.

 

i suspect as soon as you are out he will lose interest again and she will be back to chasing after you again, but please don't fall for it... she doesn't sound like a person who is either stable or steady enough to be in a decent relationship, and you can't change her personality.

 

please find someone else who is worthy of your love, and walk away from the drama and don't let her back into your life again. she will probably do this again and again, with this other guy or even someone else if the other guy tires of this game.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I could not agree more with the previous poster. I was in a similar situation with a woman who constantly jerked me around like that. It took alot, but getting away from her was the best choice I ever made for myself. The experience taught me to have higher standards and not tolerate this behavior from everyone. Best of luck to you.

[mintblossom]

some people suck and are unstable.

[Wandering_Sword]

It's too bad that you had to go through this but at least you recognized the issue and can hopefully move forward with this knowledge. Good luck to you and keep posting, we're here for you.