Do I Really Wanna Be With Him????

[babygurl250]

Hi,

I really need some help with getting my head around my relationship](*,) . I was with my bf for 9 months and i decided i didn't want to be with him anymore, i felt as though my relationship was boring and coming to an end. I found myself longing for the newness of a relationship. He works unsociable hours and worked at the weekends so we never really got to do anything as other couples would. In the the whole 9 months we were together i think the only place we would go out would be to the cinema or out with his parents to their local social club. We never went on any dates, not even out for a meal. Dont get me wrong he is the sweetest guy and doesnt put a foot wrong but i think thats what made me so bored of it. I know loads of people out there are in worse relationships than this one and i should be grateful but it just ended up loosing the spark. Anyway after 9 months i decided to end it with my bf not only because it got boring but i began to get on really well with a close guy friend and i ended up liking him. Anyway when i split up with my bf it didnt affect me one little bit, i didnt cry or anything....i think maybe because i knew that he would come running back to me at the click of my fingers. He tried so many times to get me back but i pushed him away. Two months passed and i spoke to one of his friends, who then told me he was seeing someone else but it was a long distance relationship etc. After 3 months of being split up i cried for the first time about not being with him . I started thinking about everything and ended up thinking i wanted him back. So one night we arranged to meet up after his new gf had gone back home to the midlands. We ended up sleeping together, i really dont know why because i didnt even really want to but i just did it anyway. I dont know if it was because it was a little more exciting because he wasnt meant to because of his gf or what. Anyway we talked for ages after and eventually went back to our separate lives. However after that night i kept thinking i wanted him back and i still loved him . His new gf came down to see him again and stayed for about 2 weeks. In this time me and him would meet up secretly for an hour or so, but just to talk and things. I ended up getting jealous i suppose because i knew he was with her as soon as he left me and ended up telling him i wanted him back. Though at the time i really did feel as though i loved him and wanted him back so badly. I would even cry about it. He would text me sayin things like he wished it was me with him and not her etc and that made me want him more. However eventually he ended it with her and me and him got back together. For the first two weeks everything was great and we were all loved up again . However we have been back together for nearly 2 months now and i find myself thinking is this really what i want?? I know i have strong feelings for him and am very protective of other girls etc but i cant work out whether i would want to spend the rest of my life with him. Hes asked me to get engaged i dunno how many times and i just cant seem to say yes. When we split up i had two short flings with 2 other guys and i ended up falling for both but then they both didnt want anything more than fun. Both of them are what i look for in a guy, sometimes i feel if they told me they wanted me i wouldnt be able to hold back from going. I am just good friends with the one now and i can handle that. However the one of them that i really liked told me a few weeks back he made the wrong decision about me and regretted it but theres nothing he can do now. I think thats when my relationship with my bf started going dwn hill again. Though i know there is no chance with the other guy because he never acts upon his words and ive seen him with other girls etc so i think hes just a player but its really made things get messy with my relationship. I just dont know what to do to sort it out or whether we will be able to sort it out....i really dunno what i want. I can barely stand my bf breathing over me sometimes, i just feel like my emotions are all over the place and my bfs starting to pick up on my behaviour and has even asked me if i do still love him because it doesnt seem like i do.

[hopelesslyyours]

it seems like you have a problem of falling in and out of love easily. Relax, you're still young at an age of 20. You're trying really hard to find true love and you're finding yourself tangled up in having an affair with your ex bf, and falling in love with guys that you know that don't want a relationship.

 

I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend, and tell him how you feel about your relationship. Maybe he's not ready to have a relationship if he is so busy and doesn't have time for a girlfriend. If you're thinking about being with other guys still, maybe it's time you guys took a break again. If you really love him, you won't think you have an opportunity cost with that other guy.

[RebeccaChow]

Well, take a day and think.. whether you really love him or you just wanted him back 'cos he's happy with another girl?

 

If you're just taking him back b'cos he's with another girl, you're being really selfish. Since you guys are together you should put in more effort in loving him instead of thinking about other guys.

 

Think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. Take care.

[Hope75]

It sounds to me like you enjoy the thrill of the chase of wanting someone who is off limits more than than you actually want to be with your boyfriend. You were bored with him until he had someone else... and then when he was yours again, you are eyeing someone else who is not available (since you are in a relationship.)

 

My advice?

 

Break things off with the boyfriend- it's obvious you and he want different things. Be fair to him and to yourself and don't settle where you are not sure you want to be, when he's asking you to marry him.

 

Spend some time on your own and figure out what you do want.... and don't just jump to the knee-jerk reaction of wanting your boyfriend back because suddenly he's so much more exciting when he's with someone else.

[This Little Lady]

I think Rebecca is right. Just think about what you want. Perhaps you don't like the boredom because you aren't ready to settle down yet. It seems to me like you still want to date if you are chasing after other guys. If he was really the catch he seems to be, you wouldn't want to sacrifice that for a few flings. Maybe you are at two different level. He is at the level where he wants to be with one person and you still want to date.

 

In my honest opinion, I think ennui is bad reason to end a relationship. Your going to have to learn that sooner or later your relationship won't always be exciting. If you want to stay with him why not think of ways to spice up your relationship a little? What hopelessyyours suggested is good to, to talk to him about how you are feeling.

 

Both suggestions allow you to gain some perspective.

[babygurl250]

i do realise its not always going to be fun and games, and i do want to stick with just the one man, im not a confident person when it comes to guys, i have had bad relationships in the past which has caused me to be unable to trust people easily. I think i can trust my bf, however he did used to arrange to meet other girls and have sex with them wen we first got together, i think that was another reason i ended up wantin someone new. But then i never felt ready to let him go and wanted to forgive him. I realise i need to tlk to him about things and try and spice things up its just hard cos he can be quite sensitive and will work himself up about it. but also its hard because tryin to do things to spice it up normally cost money and that we have very little of, he has a little boy to pay for and i have other financial commitments. Though money shouldnt really be the problem so we will just have to work at it

[This Little Lady]

I'm sorry to hear that he was a jerk in the beginning. How long was he running around on you for?

[babygurl250]

for about 6 months. caught him out 4 times and each time he begged for me back and that he wud stop. after the 4th time tho i think he actually realised i meant it and then i think he stopped as far as i know.

[This Little Lady]

No wonder you were having thought of leaving him. You said you went out for 9 months right? And more than half that time was spent cheating on you! Do you feel that still plays a major part in your decision to leave him now?

[babygurl250]

not as much now no, cos i think he has learnt his lesson from the 1st time cos when we split the 1st time he took it bad and cut his wrist etc. Though i do doubt sometimes if he is being faithful to me still but then since we have got back together there hasnt been a chance for him to cos when hes not wrkin he sees me, though before he used to do stuff over the internet as well on webcam so i do still wonder bout that as well. i just feel so confused and i dont wanna go and hurt him again cos the last time we split up was bad enough

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it really sounds like neither of you is ready to make a commitment to the other, because you both keep getting attracted and distracted by other people. it's almost like you are trying to force or talk yourself into a committed relationship with him, when that just isn't the reality of what is going on between you.

 

i think you need to talk about what commitment really means, and whether you are both ready to totally give up dating other people and even thinking about dating other people. if you can't commit to that, then you really shouldn't be with each other in a serious relationship. maybe you just aren't quite right for each other, but are trying to 'make do' because you each don't have anyone else you like better right now.

[Hope75]

for about 6 months. caught him out 4 times and each time he begged for me back and that he wud stop. after the 4th time tho i think he actually realised i meant it and then i think he stopped as far as i know.

 

This kind of puts a different spin on things, doesn't it?

 

No wonder you are gun shy about commiting to this guy- I would be running for the hills if it were me.

 

No trust= no relationship.

[This Little Lady]

I think thet Bestrongbehappy is kind of right.

[babygurl250]

well my bf is dead set that he wants to be with me forever and wants to commit to each other. I do think that he has stopped all the flirting with other girls this second time around. I feel as though i trust him more now than when we was together before but sometimes i do have a little bit of doubt still in me. however i dont blame the problem on my bf, i know it is me because of when me and my bf split and i had a fling with the other guy. I was fine after the fling cos i knew that was all it was but since being back with my bf the other guy has told me he thinks he made the wrong choice. (he didnt know i was bk with my bf at the time he said this). I dont think i would ever actually leave my bf for him because of the way he played me in the past but i do find it difficult to carry on with my relationship when he tells me that he made the wrong choice...it just keeps going around in my head and everytime i bump into him down at the gym or out on nights out it brings it all back again. Though now he knows im with my bf i think he is being unfair sayin things like this to me and i have told him its too late!!

[This Little Lady]

How do you feel about this guy?

[babygurl250]

I dunno, he made me laugh and would mess around and do silly things with you etc which i loved, a lil more excitement. But then i hate the fact he lead me on the way he did makin me think there would be more and then just standing me up twice and not even make an attempt to talk to me until he bumps into me one day. I know i should be happy with what i have but i just wish sometimes me and my bf could be a lil silly together and play about, you know like when you dnt know some is there when your walkin into a room say, and they jump out on you lol!! I sound immature i know but i am one of the maturist twenty year olds i know and my bf is quite mature for 24 because i think him having a kid made him grow up a lot but sometimes i just long for a little bit of a laugh which we dont do anymore.

Also with this guy and others i have been with, he wasnt affraid to come on to me..my bf however was fine at 1st but now he will never make any attempt to have sex incase i turn him dwn. though he will never know unless he tries. i just get tired of it always me being the one to make the first move

[Hope75]

well my bf is dead set that he wants to be with me forever and wants to commit to each other. I do think that he has stopped all the flirting with other girls this second time around. I feel as though i trust him more now than when we was together before but sometimes i do have a little bit of doubt still in me. however i dont blame the problem on my bf, i know it is me because of when me and my bf split and i had a fling with the other guy.

 

You don't think your lack of trust has anything to do with the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you repeatedly and kept doing so even after you caught him (4 times I believe you said??)

[babygurl250]

no because until he cheated on me i trusted him completely

[boocrab83]

This is kind of an off the subject question. My bf told me this when i caught him with a girl that is supposedly a friend. "we were just haning out" "she is like one of the guys" "we just sat around and talked for awhile" "i have been coaching her sone for 5 years we are cloce friends" hmmm does that sound right to you. Sorry to get off the subect of your topic.

[babygurl250]

well he could be telling the truth i guess. have you always trusted you bf?? also is he the type to be unfaithful??

 

This is a tricky one because he could be completley innocent in this one or he could possibly be covering up.

[boocrab83]

If you read the posting "does he care" you will get the whole picture. He has lied to me in the past about little things that guys lie about but for the most part he has been pretty truthful. (but once you read my posting you will understand) I am having an afair with this guy and so I guess you could say he is not truth ful to his wife but for some reason to me I have not caught him in a lie.

 

I saw her there "at his place of work" 2 times he was the only one there and he said those things to me. I would think if he was having an affair with her too that I would have seen her there more than just those 2 times.

 

But please read my post I think I am in a mess. I do not know if the bf I am with is going to be a fatal attraction type thing.

[Hope75]

no because until he cheated on me i trusted him completely

 

Yes but now you know, he's cheated on you several times, and despite being caught by you a few times, he kept it up. Now you know... you don't think that has anything to do with your feelings now?

[This Little Lady]

What are you thinking of doing?

[babygurl250]

Yes but now you know, he's cheated on you several times, and despite being caught by you a few times, he kept it up. Now you know... you don't think that has anything to do with your feelings now?

 

I suppose it has in a way....i didn't think it did but thinking about it now i guess it does.

 

The past week between us has been better...now that ive not seen or heard of anything of the other guy. Though my bf keeps asking questions like am i happy and he says stuff like he feels like hes loosing me and i couldnt answer them saying things i dont mean i had to be honest with him. So i told him that i do love him and i am happy being with him but there deffinately is something missing. I just feel as though there has never been any excitement in our relationship. We've never done anything as a couple like go for a meal etc. Last night i tried to get us to go out together for couple of drinks etc and he said yea but then was in a right * * * * about it all and we ended up staying in watching tv as per usual. Then this morning while im dwn the gym he started txting me askin me whether im happy i couldnt help sayin 'well i dunno i try to get us to do things as a couple but you never want to' He replied sayin he felt bad about last night and he knows i was only tryin to get us to do something as a couple etc and thats why he felt so bad in the end.

I just dunno what to do now? Do i bother trying to make it work? Is it ever going to be anything more than it is now. Theres just no spark....though there never has been!!! Im just so confused and i know its probably me all in the wrong wanting too much out of this relationship and i should be happy with what i have!!!

[This Little Lady]

Well maybe just tell him that is something you need from your relationship. You said that you guys never actually go out on dates. So just talk to him and tell him that you would like to go out a little more often. I'm sure he'd like to, unless he has a social disorder and doesn't like being around people. Maybe try listing off a bunch of different things to him, or asking him what he would like to do as long as it is getting out of the house.